I tried to go shopping tonight. Christmas candy and some fruit and nuts for Christmas Eve. But my damned knees! When did they start hurting so badly? It’s not while I’m walking around, but when I’m at rest that they both tingle with pain. I hate that. I wonder if I could get cortisone shots in my knees to make the pain less? I’d love to have that done, but I’m not sure if I’m a candidate for it or not. Back injections are one thing, but my knees? I cringe just thinking about it. And not much makes me cringe these days.
I also have started throwing up more. I haven’t had a treatment in over a month, yet I’m nauseated and vomiting? I’m going to blame the Code Red Mountain Dew for making me sick. Ever since I first tried it in January 2002, and threw up because I was on such a high dose of narcotics, I can’t stomach the stuff. It comes up cold, which makes me even more sick. If that’s possible. I think I spoiled myself from ever enjoying Code Red again. It’s just the Code Red, too. I can tolerate the orange and blue Mountain Dews, just not the red.
I was able to fit into a size six today. And by fit, I don’t mean that I had to lay down on the bed to get the jeans to close and zip. I was standing up, I was able to close the zipper, all just by standing. I was also able to comfortably breathe and inhale and exhale large amounts of air while I was wearing them! I don’t understand it. A year ago, I could barely struggle into them, now that I’ve gained 13 lbs, I can fit them like nothing! Not that I’m complaining. I’m glad my mass has changed. Even if my weight has not.
So today’s the first day of winter. I love the night sky in the winter, but so far it’s been overcast for days. I miss seeing the stars at night. I miss going out just to see the stars. I saw plenty and over twenty shooting stars in Los Angeles, but I can’t go back there for a long time. I promised. But the sky at night was amazing. There were so many stars for a city infested with light pollution. So many shooting stars. So bright was the moon and the stars that were visible. It was like I was a part of the galaxy, just gazing up at them. I was asked if I got any pictures that night, but I didn’t. Not of the night sky. I only had my camera phone, and that was not powerful enough to take pictures of the night sky and have them come out worth a flip.
Hope everyone has a good start to winter. I’m heading off to bed now, so I can get up bright and early tomorrow morning and get my sutures pulled. I’m excited for that.
I get my sutures pulled Monday. It’s about time. I’m ready for this surgery to be put behind me! I want to be able to go to the Winter Lights Festival, at least one more time, before they shut it down on December 31st.
Not much is happening here. I’m surviving as best as I can. I have an appointment with the oncologist Tuesday afternoon to discuss my upcoming treatment for the brain mets that I was diagnosed with a couple of months ago. I’ve been resting comfortably, but something has to be done to stop the growth and progression of the tumors. I wish I could go into greater detail, but I just don’t know anymore details. I know that I will probably undergo Cyberknife treatment, and there’s a good possibility that I will have a good prognosis afterwards, but that can all change, too. I don’t like to think about the change that could mean.
I’ve been having horrible headaches all day. The brain mets, I suppose. The headaches cause vision disturbances, but there’s no sensitivity to light, no nausea. It’s not migraines. It has to be the tumor pressing on a certain part of the brain. I seem to get them at certain times of the day, so I’m not sure what to think of them. I know that I want this cancer out of me. I want to get well and stay well. Doc F says that by missing so many treatments, I may have to have more tests, more scans, more surgeries. But we’ll get this cancer, even if we have to get it piece by piece. Which it seems that is what we’re doing.
I have yet to wrap any gifts. I wonder if we’re even doing that this year. I wanted to. I wanted to buy the wrapping paper and the tape and just wrap things all damned day. I love Christmas and the surprises it brings. I wish we would have another white Christmas. I really liked that year there was snow on the ground and big, floppy flakes fell from the sky. It made me think that I was in a better place. I guess I can’t get everything I want for Christmas. I have only been shopping once this season. I really enjoyed myself. I wish I could shop like that every day. Get something for everyone, get a little something for myself. ha ha. I can really see myself running up a huge credit card bill.
So now it’s time for my night time meds, time to bring the dog in, and time to get settled in bed. I feel kind of depressed this year because I see happier people, healthier people, and I just want to be happy and healthy too. I want to be well. I want to be able to enjoy life without having to be stoned on morphine or drunk on chemotherapy. It sucks. It really does. Especially at this time of the year when everyone else is so happy and joyful.
I have treatment again on the 29th. The Monday after Christmas. Things are getting back into a routine. Same thing, every day, from now on. I guess that’s what I wanted, or I’d still be in Los Angeles. I made the choice to come home. Sid wanted me to stay with him. He kept using the line, “If you were my wife [insert some cure for an injustice I was suffering from].” But I’m not his wife. I don’t see myself as his wife. The first reason being is he has a fairly good woman right there in LA. Second, he has too many female friends for my liking. I know I have male friends, but the majority of them are gay, so there’s no chance I’d end up in the sack with them. Not that I really believe that Sid is sleeping with his female friends, but he may be. I dunno. I can’t speak for them. I know that I do miss the respect that I got there. I miss being special. Here I’m mom. I’m wife. I’m “that one”. There I was someone. If that makes sense.
We put the Christmas tree up last night. It’s about time. I was afraid we weren’t going to have one this year. It’s fake, but it’s still a tree. I think this is the last year we’re going to use it, though. It’s getting a little ragged. I was wary of taking pictures. This makes twelve years that I’d post pictures of essentially the same tree. It gets boring after a while. If you’ve seen it once, you’ve seen it the next year. And the next. And the next. Dennis got the tree down three flights of stairs, while I waited in the living room. I then went up and got the antique German ornaments that we bought in 1998 for our first real Christmas as a couple. We were expecting our first child. We were young, stupid and in love. But it was our very first Christmas together. The ornaments are beautiful. They are gold, green, blue and red bells and balls. One of the bells got broken by Poetry Rose, but we still kept it in the box. It’s weird that she would break an ornament and then not be alive for the next Christmas. I think about her a lot. Mostly I think about the fact that if she were alive, she’d be thirteen years old this Christmas. Then I cry because she’s not here. I cry because Jess isn’t here. I cry because our dogs aren’t here. So many changes. So many people and things gone from our lives.
I wanted to go to the Winter Lights Festival again before Christmas, but that doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. I just don’t feel well enough. My bladder hurts like hell when it gets full, and I’m afraid Dennis pulled a few sutures when he changed my bandages this afternoon. I know he didn’t mean to, but that doesn’t take away the fact that he hurt my sutures. Oh well. I forgive him. I’m still drug-free. =) I’ve been taking Excedrin Extra Strength like it’s going out of style. My surgery hurts. My back hurts. My stomach hurts. But I am surviving without narcotics. I think it’s a good thing, since there are bottles of morphine and baggies of fentanyl here, and I have no desire to use any of it. I feel that I have truly beaten my drug addiction this time. And yes, I went through hellish withdrawal. I don’t recommend it to anyone.
I want to write again. I want things to go back to the way they were, but we all know that isn’t going to happen. Too many things have gone down and too many things have happened. I wish I could forget the last month of my life, except that short period when I stayed with Sidney in Los Angeles. I liked it there. His friends were so nice to me, and his producer was nice to me. I guess in general, I just want people to be nice to me. Isn’t that what we all want, really?
I had surgery on Monday. I just got home today. Three days I was in the hospital. I haven’t had a treatment in over a month. I went into strike mode a month ago, and refused everything. My medication, my treatments, my doctor visits. I felt like the only cancer patient in the history of man being denied pain management. I went through withdrawals. I overdosed on SRNI drugs. I spent more than a night at the hospital. I can’t say that I’m better, but I can say that I am back at square one with my medical problems. Suicide and attempted suicide don’t pay. They just complicate things more than one can imagine. I never revealed to anyone that I was suicidal. I certainly was. In a way, I was too far gone to start with. I didn’t want to go through the pains of withdrawal. It scared me. I knew what I was doing when I took that SRNI.
While I can be honest about some things, I can’t be honest about why I wanted to die. I can’t be that fucking honest. I want to be, but there is a part of me that doesn’t want that known. Not yet anyway.
And let’s be fair. That’s all anyone really cares about anyway, isn’t it?
I get to go home tomorrow. I get to see my kids, my husband, my pets. I’m really looking forward to it all. Not that I am not grateful for what I have been given. I am truly grateful. I know things could have been much worse than they were, and because of my gratefulness, I am sure that things will turn out for the better.
Tonight Sid and I are going to watch the Geminids fall. Flaming rocks crashing towards the earth. I can’t imagine a better way to spend the last night here.
While going home excites me, I’m sure that I will miss Los Angeles. There will be equal things that I miss, such as the quite. The peacefulness. No drama. No pets to trip over. But what fun is that? Chloe has stopped eating and just hangs out in her room all the time since her parents have not been home. I must say that this whole “informal separation” was the biggest joke of them all. Who the hell suggests that a family break up at Christmastime? I’ve had it with asshole doctors. I’ve had it with most things. It’s time that I took the pen from the poet and wrote my own happy ending. And don’t use that last line without quoting me. I’m sure that when I get home, I’ll make it into a quote block that you can post on FaceBook or where ever and let it go viral.
It’s almost time for the meteor shower to be visible from the cityscape. I’m so excited to see all the shooting stars! The last time I witnessed this meteor shower it was 2006. I saw 14 shooting stars. How many do you think I’ll see tonight? I’ll post the answer tomorrow before my plane leaves!
I watch your videos every night. I fall asleep watching them. I pretend you’re away, just “traveling” as we tell the kids. I pretend the kids are in school and I’m visiting a friend for the afternoon.
Then I start crying and fall asleep.
I wake up numerous times in the night, in a strange, cold bed, in a strange room where the stick on glow stars we put up don’t shine, and the moon beams don’t flow through the blinds. Here there are no kids to look after, no husband to care for, no meals to attempt, no dog to watch out for, no laundry to wash.
And I am as alone as I ever could be.
I’m not going to make the Lennon Memorial this year for the first time since 1994, because I am on the opposite side of the country with my friend Sid. But I’m there in spirit. Take lots of pictures for me, James!
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