I lost some of my entries while waiting on my name servers to get back in whack.
Things in my life are going ok. I’m hanging in there as best as I can. Hope everyone else is having a good summer!
^^That’s a damned shame. 158 hours my site was down in April. That’s also unacceptable. But meh, what am I going to do about it? Change hosts? LMFAO. No. I’ll be here with rackspace until I die. At least I’m loyal. Stupid, but loyal. I’m the same way with people. I’ve had people fuck over me and then come running back, begging for money (It’s kiddie’s birthday! I’m too much of a failure to provide for my child, can you spare a thousand again? Oh, and I’m sorry about all that shit), or favours or something and I fall back in like of helping them. I can’t count how many times my best friend has deleted my page and I still speak to him.
Chloe is eating breakfast and other meals now. It’s just a matter of time before she’s back in the regular hospital room. I’m excited about that because I want her home as soon as possible.
I’m not in the best of health. I really wish that I could say that I felt better and that things were going great, but they just aren’t. Tomorrow I have meetings all damned day. Today I still have to clean up and cook. The temperature is rising, and I want to just sleep it off. But I can’t. I have to get things done as fast as I can. Rushing through time is a bad thing. I want to sit back and take in all that I can, but at the same time I want to get through all this bad shit as fast as I can. Let me be well again. Let the school year never end. Let me be healthy. Let Chloe come home and be well. The hospital still hasn’t told me what the bacteria was that Chloe got sick on. What if it was my cooking? What if it was something she got into at school? I’m sure if it was really bad they’d alert the CDC, but I hate not knowing.
If you’re curious about my mood, go read yesterday’s rant. I was in such a bitchy mood yesterday that nothing could bring me up. Today I am in a crying mood. They just cycle endlessly. I want it to rain, I want to see the sunshine. Makes sense, doesn’t it? The endless, the needless. I have low blood sugars, and I want to stop that. I want that normal, too.
Dennis called me, at least. He’s been ill and didn’t want to make my life any harder by having to care for him, so he’s at Ierrie’s place until he feels better. I told him that I thought he was mad at me. He said he knew that’s what I would think, but it’s not true. I left out the part where I wanted to have the affair with his best friend. I don’t think that would be a good idea at this point, to say anything about it, or even think about that man anymore.
Tomorrow’s gonna be another day!
My site has been up literally ten minutes now, and I couldn’t be happier. But I know it will go down again tomorrow in the wee hours of the morning.
Knowing that, I have decided that it’s worth it to move everything over to Dreamhost.
I just don’t know how, and there’s no one kind enough out there to help me do it. No one I can trust with my passwords, anyway.
I’ve had a lot of patience and I know that good things come to those who wait, but I have to draw the line somewhere. I’m not going to tell rackspace about it because I want that account left open when it comes back up, but I can’t have a site and email that is down most of the day. This is very unacceptable and it’s been going on for over two weeks. Most of my emails to them have been ignored, except for the last one where I threatened to sue them for damages to my ebay account if I got negative feedback because I didn’t get my emails in time. The site didn’t go down until 3am last night!
Enough about the site. If it goes down at 1am or 3am tonight, you’ll know that I am still with rackspace and had no time to turn things over to dreamhost.
I am at my wit’s end, caring for children, helping with homework, making dinner, cleaning up epic messes Zinnia makes. My blood sugar is 56 right now. I haven’t had time to eat since I got home. I tell my father in law to keep my bedroom door shut when I’m not home. He just shrugs at it. I finally got a text message reply from Dennis. Apparently he hasn’t been drinking or doing drugs, just really depressed about everything. I can’t say that I don’t feel for him because I do. But that’s what I’m here for, to comfort him, not a bottle of booze. I really wanted to talk to him on the phone, but he wouldn’t call me and I didn’t want to impose.
Chloe is doing better now. It’s just a matter of time before she’s out of the ICU. I’m going to see her tonight to make sure that everything there is alright. The nurses that I talked to this morning said that she was doing much better, wanting to get out of bed, actually getting out of bed to go to the bathroom, and pick up things from the floor. I was really happy to hear this! Everyone who prayed for her to get well, it seems it’s happening! I know we’re not out of the woods yet, but Chloe is getting better! That makes me so happy! I was floored. Of course I am going up to see my special little girl after dinner. The dinner dishes can wait! I’m going to see her as soon as possible.
Smile. This world is still such a beautiful place to be in!
I apologise for my site being down. I have half a mind to download my entires and change hosts because I am being ignored by my current hosts on this issue where my site goes down every night around 1:29am. You can set your watch to it. Some times it’s down for 24 hours or more. People are complaining, and while my Dreamhost sites go down for blips of time, they don’t go down by the hour. But I don’t know how to move a site completely, and I’d lose all of my entries and have to start all over again. I’d rather not do that. Plus we all know that I can’t change my DNS on this site without going through my friend who registered it. If I were to stop writing on it, he’d let it go. I have to update at least once a month, or risk lose it.
That and my daughter is in the hospital’s ICU for a bacterial infection and her father seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth. Here I am, tending to three kids plus a senior citizen round the clock, while holding down a full time job. Properly maintaining a website has been the last thing on my mind. If it wasn’t for my email not coming through and people posting on the FB page, I probably would not have noticed.
But I plan on keeping my site for as long as I possibly can, and keeping everyone updated on Chloe’s condition. I just sent out my fifth email to my hosts about this whole downtime thing, mentioning that I feel ignored because of their lack of replying to me and that they could at least tell me that they don’t know what is going on, and I don’t know how long I can keep a site that isn’t online 90% of the time. I feel privileged that I can write on my site right now.
As I mentioned above, Chloe is in ICU. Her infection has gone from bad to worse, and I have been spending every moment I can with her. I don’t know where her father is, but we had an argument the other day and he stormed off. Not uncommon. He’s more on the dramatic side of bisexuality, so I’m used to it. Chloe has asked for him several times so I know he’s not visiting her in this spare time. I’ve thought about calling him, but the idea of budging first isn’t exactly ideal. I’m sure he’s off with one of his friends, getting drunk, living up the idea that he never wanted kids to start with and was just “going through the motions” with me, as he put it. The really sad part? I didn’t want kids, either. They just sort of happened. An extension of the love Dennis and I are supposed to have for one another.
I say “supposed” because I don’t think he loves me anymore.
Though he said something to that effect back seven years ago, I really wanted to believe that it was just something else taken out of context. Now I don’t know.
I’m going to be taking some puzzle books, a colouring book, some crayons, a few small toys, a couple stuffed toys, and some other little trinkets to Chloe tomorrow after work. I’ve been sneaking out of work early to go see her. Some of her classmates came to see her this weekend, seeing how it’s not Easter weekend and they weren’t tied down with their families.
So I have to go and prepare for a long, hard day tomorrow. Prayers are welcome. I thank everyone who contributed to Chloe’s Candles. That really warms my heart!
I’m updating at work. Oooh, bad girl!
Chloe isn’t getting any better. I hate to report that, but it’s the truth. She may be hospitalised longer than two weeks. This bacteria infection is causing her organs to shut down. All we can do is pray that she makes it through and makes a speedy recovery. I’m going to see her in a few minutes. I had to wait on a call from an admin to make sure I still had a job here. I do, thankfully. One of my students posted a test question on Facebook, and it got back to the administrative offices and all the professors who worked on the test had to give sworn statements that we didn’t leak the question. Turns out it was a lucky guess from the text book, but now we can’t ask it or any question pertaining to the information on the question in the final exam. Which means that we have to write the final exam over again. Suck. My. Balls. I was hoping we’d have that over with by the end of the week, but it doesn’t look like that is going to be the case now.
That phone call took forever. I’m glad it’s over with and now I can get back to listening to my new love song on repeat while I finish up some work here.
When I get my work done, I am going to clock out early (ooooh, bad girl!) and go see Chloe. I haven’t been to see her since Sunday. That isn’t right. If she’s critically ill, I should go see her every single day. Dennis has been going to see her every day, and my father in law has been watching the other kids. I don’t know what I would do without him. He has been such a blessing to us in this time of need.
I’m going to pack a little care package for Chloe. Maybe get her a teddy bear, some toys to play with while she’s sick. I know that she’s not going to want to play with them while she’s there, not until the end of the infection, but I have to do something. I have to get her something. We have the money now, so I don’t see why I can’t stop at the gift store and get her something small. I have some little puzzle books and crayons here that I can take with me. Something familiar. Something that reminds her of home.
I’ve debated sending flowers because she’s allergic to some flowers and I don’t want her sneezing all the time while she’s there. That would not be good.
In the meant time, Zinnia is walking so much lately. I’m really missing out on her childhood, so I feel. I feel like I am torn between my two children. One is sick and needs me to be there at her side. The other is growing up and hitting milestones everyday. The sad part is Zinnia calls her grandpa “daddy”. I hope she’s just mimicking Dennis and I and doesn’t really think he’s her biological father. That would be embarrassing and something we’d probably need to take her to therapy over later on in life.
I have a new email address. Please take note.
It’s raining out. I left Chloe with a bottle of lotion, and some hand sanitizer that smelled like the perfume that I use. I want her to feel that she is close to me when I can’t be there.
I helped her wash her hair this evening, and I noticed that she had little spots of blood on the inside of her gown. She said the nurse did it. When I questioned the nurse, she said they were from the shots they had to give Chloe; heparin shots, to keep her from getting a blood clot because she lays in bed all the time. After helping her wash her hair, we put on some of the lotion I use as a perfume, and Chloe got really weak. She closed her eyes and didn’t open them, even after I left. We talked about what was on the TV (The Waltons), what all she was going to do when she got out, and how much home work she was going to have when she got home. Chloe was very confused and thought we had given her up for adoption. She kept asking me if she could come home, and how good she would be if we let her come home. It really broke my heart. Weren’t the nurses telling her where she was? Wasn’t it their job to make sure the patients aren’t as confused as Chloe is?
I told her I would help her with the homework, if she really tried, when she got home. We then rubbed on some loveswept lotion and I kissed her goodbye and left.
Before leaving the hospital, I asked the doctors when they expected Chloe to be well. They said that the infection was lower than it was when she came in, so the medications are working. They just can’t give me an exact date. I really wish they would, though, it would make me feel a whole lot better. I also complained about Chloe thinking that she was being adopted out I told the nurse that I spoke to that she needed to make sure that Chloe knew that she was just sick and highly contagious, not being put up for adoption, and that she would be back with her family soon. The nurse agreed with me that Chloe needed to be reassured about where she was, and said that while she did not tell her that she was being adopted, she would talk to Chloe and tell her that all was well, her family loved her and that the would be back for her as soon as her infection was under control. I thanked her and left the hospital.
I’m exhausted. I need to have a snack and get to bed. I could just pass out. It’s really hard taking care of someone when they are in the hospital. The pouring rain isn’t helping matters. I feel like I weigh a thousand pounds. I just want to crawl into bed and go to sleep.
Chloe’s in the hospital. She’s going to be in there over Easter. This is the first Easter I’ll have to go through with my baby sick in the hospital with a bacteria infection. The bacteria is all through her. They have it under control with antibiotics, and she’s expected to make a full recovery in two weeks. But I don’t want to wait that long for my baby to get well. I want her well now. I feel bad about going shopping and buying new clothes and makeup while my daughter was getting sicker and sicker. I feel like I have neglected her. For the first time in my life, I truly feel like a shitty parent. I hated that we had to leave her at the hospital. If she were in her right mind, she would be scared to death. She doesn’t like to be away from her family for long periods of time.
When I came home from work today, I noticed that Chloe was in bed, asleep, but she hadn’t changed into her night shirt or any pajamas. When she’s somewhat sick, she changes into her sleep clothes so she won’t get her school clothes or other clothes “sick” as she calls it. I put away the stuff I had bought today and went to check on her. Her fever was 103, she could barely open her eyes and she was talking in partial sentences. So I loaded her up in the car and took her to the emergency room. I didn’t even tell Dennis where I was going or why. I hurried all the way to the ED, Chloe was asking where we were going, multiple times, and each time I answered her as best as I could. I kept telling her that everything was going to be okay. Or was I telling myself that?
After three hours in the ED, Chloe was moved to a room, where she will spend the next two weeks. I tried to make it a little more cheery by opening the window shades and turning on Cartoon Network. I even left a note for the nurses that Chloe could watch Adult Swim tonight if she feels up to it. I picked up a teddy bear and a stuffed labrador puppy from the gift shop and brought them to her so she would feel like she was surrounded by her stuffed toys from home.I also picked up a colouring book, a little notebook, a pack of pens, some cross word puzzles, word search puzzles, a book mark, some lollipops and a bottle of hand sanitizer I left all the goodies with her when I left tonight.
Chloe was in better spirits when I left. She said that it was okay for me to go back home, and she would see me again tomorrow. I hesitated and she said that Zinnia needed me, and the boys were probably in her stuff. I laughed slightly at that. I think with all the emergency antibiotics they pumped into her, she’s already feeling a little better.
Chloe’s going to be fine. She just has to be separated from her family for a full week She’s mostly scared and weak, but the doctors joke that this place.
Any ideas on what else I could bring Chloe to brighten her stay in the hospital?
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