Because of circumstances beyond my control and the people of power whom had control over this, I will not be making it to the Golden Coast, the one thing that could have made my miserable existence worth fighting for. By the time I am free to go there, Nick will be home and unwilling to go back until no one knows how long. In the mean time, mommie dearest has set me with some guy I don’t even know the first name of, insisting to me that I will like him. Ummm *glances down at shooting stars forever ring* That’s really unnecessary. Then she casually mentions if it doesn’t go right that she can tell him that I am Chloe’s baby sitter. Really? That’s always a good way to start out a relationship: Dishonestly. Her answer to that was, “Doesn’t matter if they’re born c-section or not, no man wants to sleep with a woman who has kids. It’s a guarantee that she’s not a virgin.”  At this point I would be willing to walk to the Golden Coast if I had the strength. Those of you who wanted my life twelve years ago … I’m willing to trade now. Hey, come back! I’ll gladly trade!

I called James and asked what was taking so long. He didn’t know for sure. I made two more calls. Even Champ was busy tonight. I made a small joke to myself that if I had somewhere to be, I’d abandon me too. Bad joke. Very bad joke.

Too sick. Entertain yourselves tonight.

When you discover someone isn’t as sincere as they’ve always said they were, you start to wonder, and question everything they have ever told you. If you’re me, you will figure it out the hard way: At the moment that you need them, they are “busy, don’t call me” when you need confirmation where they are so that you’ll have somewhere to go then, they “forget” their own address. But I needed them now. Not in the morning, now. Not when things cool off, now. Not after the doctor’s appointment, now. Not when it’s convenient for them, now. Hey, they’ve always said that you are always welcome, right? I had no idea that the welcoming of friendship had blackout time slots like frequent flier miles. It’s only okay to want to make good on that when it’s convenient for them or when they need something from you (money, expensive items, etc). The only good thing that I can say that came out of yesterday was that the one person who really does care about me, and was not lying when he said he loved me, was able to talk me into not going ballistic and telling the Idiot Gang who someone was, before sealing my own fate. He didn’t say “don’t call me” his only reply was “Can was FT about this? I want to see you.” I want to see you. No one else has ever said anything like that to me. I have conversed with many people online before, and never has any of them asked to video chat with them before.

There I sat, tears streaming down my cheeks in the barely lit room, reading and highlighting pill books and doing bio-chemistry conversions. The master plan, so to say.  He didn’t talk about what I was doing, or why I was in the state that I was in. The sheer urgency of needing a light at the end of the tunnel told him the bad parts of the story, so he didn’t have to ask. He convinced me to call a family member in Las Vegas, or that was their last known whereabouts eleven days ago or so. So I called. A familiar but unidentified voice was on the other end of the line. I asked for my family member and there was a pause then, “Oh, he’s already left. I’m sorry.” Before the “sorry” was ever there, I had fresh tears pooling in my eyes. The sure thing, the one who would care for me no matter what, was already gone on to who knows where. I had thrown out his number before hand, so I couldn’t call him.

Feeling trapped I said my thanks and was about to hang up with the man on the other end of the line offered to take a message. “Do you have [his] number?” I asked. “Of course. But I don’t know who you are, so I can’t give it to you. It’s not my place,” he replied. I felt somewhat relieved. While I was giving the info to him via a speaker phone, my friend James was telling me things through FB to ask. Under any other circumstances, it would have been pretty funny. The guy on the phone asked me who was there, and I said I was chatting with someone through a video, and he replied, “You’re not crazy love, I can hear him too.” I had a feeling of who I had on the line, but I had to ask, and I was right. I felt a little embarrassed about calling his room, upset and thinking horrible thoughts, but I wanted out so badly. We finished up the call, he wished me well, I thanked him, and returned to my video chat. James hit the nail on the head when he asked me who it was by name. I saw his eyes light up. “Why don’t you go live with him! And bring me with you?!” Another thing that would have been funny under different circumstances.

I came to many conclusions last night and tonight. One of them is that I know who I can count on. I know who really loved me. The sad part is that I am not as smart as I thought I was. I thought I would never be taken in my another Roxanna again, and it’s very clear that I have been. She used to promise me hope of deliverance from my domestic violence situations, and then never fully able to go through with it. I didn’t need food. I didn’t need money. I needed companionship, someone to tell me that I was not alone. Someone to tell me that everything was going to be alright and that they were going to be there for me through it all. Looking back at those messages, I have to wonder if I was conversing with Roxanna again. Did she change her voice again? Where is she getting those devices? They all sound like different women, but they use the same sentence structures, same words, same phrases and life stories that she presented to me eleven and a half years ago. How does she keep fooling me off of the computer? Will she ever give up? What is so important that I have that she wants? If she just tells me, I will gladly give it to her for her to leave me alone forever. I am no longer even interested in keeping a record of her lies online anymore because I want her to leave me alone. I won’t even white knight for her future victims anymore. Discover the bitch like I did. Carry on the torch as I tried to. Just. Leave. Me. Alone!

In the mail this afternoon, I received a plane ticket to New Jersey. Do I want to go? Not especially. I can bring along the little ones, but only one carry on luggage each. The tickets are one way. There’s no turning back once I do go. I have faith in James, though. I know if I go to him, he will really be waiting for me at the Newark airport. He will really take me to his place. I won’t end up lost and wandering around alone somewhere down Texas way, with no way to get to even an enemy that I know down there. Not that they would help me, but it would be a familiar face. Maybe there’s a lesson to be learned from all of this, but I have to say that I should have learned it a long time ago when  I first caught Janna in her lies and then caught Roxanna in similar lies. But I fell for it. Maybe it’s my weakness that every human has a heart and compassion for another human being in help, though I know many who have turned a blind eye to me since childhood.

James put a light at the end of the tunnel that I was in. I didn’t know if it was a train or the sunshine, but I could see a light and that was all I wanted to see. It was all I needed. I’m happy that he gave me that hope and didn’t just push me away when I reached out for help. Even if he had not sent me any tickets anywhere, and just conversed with me last night, not shooed me away because his mind and heart were on other things, I would have been just as grateful. I’m saddened a little that I did not marry James when I had the chance, but that’s just one of a thousand regrets that I am going to have to live with.