I’ve been having some weird cravings and thoughts lately. I want to give oral to Dennis, but I don’t know how to tell him this. I want us to cuddle and snuggle, but again, I’m not sure how to go about asking for this. I’m sure if I just came out and said something, we could play around, but I don’t know. Something is holding me back. I kind of like this feeling. *all smiles*
Some times I just want to send the kids to the movies with my father in law or mother in law and just have us to ourselves. Or perhaps just run away to the ocean and collapse into each other’s arms in the warm sand with the waves crashing above us.
But I can’t do that. I can’t abandon Zinnia yet, and I have to get Chloe’s school to give me her information about where her school pictures and yearbook went to, James is sick with an ear infection that goes down his throat and Ashe wants attention, dammit! I just can’t keep up with them these days, and I know that I deserve a vacation, but I just can’t do that right now. I’m lucky to go out tonight and see the stars. I’m lucky to sneak a kiss every so often.
After the rain is gone tonight, we’re supposed to have a starry night, and I want to sit outside and wax poetic under the stars with Dennis, whilst deep in love.
Four years ago, I woke up to a rainy day. Poro’s heavy breathing that I softly fell asleep to was no longer heard. I was hopeful that the breathing treatments had worked and we’d get another two, three weeks with her. I had hope that if there was a God, He would have mercy on me after taking away my nephew at the age of 19.
Walking to her bedroom, I felt the hallway was a little warmer than before. Opening the door I saw that PoRo was laying on her bed in her favourite periwinkle with white snowflakes and long sleeved dress. She was cradled in her father’s arms as he gently rocked her back and fourth. Her arm was draped over his shoulders, her fingers woven among his tee shirt neckline.
She had died in the night. Her tears had long ceased. Dennis told me he gave her double the dose of morphine, fentanyl and hydrocodone. The narcotics aren’t what killed her. He had given her the medicine after she vomited yellow bile.
I remember the police officer that came to the call told Dennis that he couldn’t help her any more. She was taken away in her favourite dress, her arm reached out, as if begging God to make her death painless and swift. . . For her loved ones. PoRo never really thought of others, but this time she did. That one final gift to others that we all make in the end when we know we’re goners. Her eyes were closed tightly, as if afraid of whatnot was coming next. What ten year old little girl wouldn’t?
We were expecting her to die, but still surprised when it happened. Can anyone really be prepared to watch their ten year old child die?
My mother is much better. Thank you everyone who prayed or sent happy thoughts.
According to my stepdad, my mother recognises people and smiles when they talk to her.
Funny thing is, I don’t feel stupid for asking for prayers and for people to send good thoughts. I don’t feel foolish for fearing the worst but hoping for the best. There was one person who talked shit about me in third person on FaceBook hoping to start drama, but I didn’t take the hint. Fucking Bitch. Hahaha.
Quick Update
Here I am, working on finishing Book #21, and thinking about all that is going on. The class I helped teach is graduating today. I can tell which of the male students were crushing on me by their invitations to graduation and Grad Night. I’ve had to graciously decline several times today. I just can’t bring myself to go to Grad Night or the celebration.
My mother is off the respirator. She’s still dangling on the plateau of living and dying, but I feel that she is getting better. Thank you for all the prayers. Please keep sending them her way! Much love!
Happy Mother’s Day
Hope everyone has a happy Mother’s Day!
My mother is doing a little bit better at the hospital. If you’re not on my Facebook profile (and you should be as I don’t bite!), I was given some shitty news from my stepfather that turned out to be a lie. He was either told the wrong information, or he intentionally gave me the wrong information, and that is really an awful thing to do to someone. So I went into panic mode. I was really afraid that my mother was going to die. Then I went to see her on the 8th. She was stable, her body is fighting the infections she had (pneumonia and sepsis with some fungal infection). She was asleep because of the infections and is now on morphine to stop the pain. But she is alive, she is stable, and I want to repair my relationship with my mother. This bad-ass attitude that I have towards her is really for the birds and I have to get my affairs in order.
As of May 7th, for the next few months, I have a new shrink. I’m not crazy over him, but he seems to want to help. First thing he wants to do is stick me in the institution and have some observations and test run. Of course he does. What the hell? Am I the first schizophrenic patient these shrinks have ever encountered? Oh well. Might as well get it over with while I still have time off from work.
Have a fun, safe Sunday, everyone!
Sad
My mother is in the hospital. I’ve known she was in there for a while, hence why I planted the Zinnias and picked her up a pink tote bag with a full bottle of Sunshine perfume.
Today I was told she has 24-48 hours to live. I’ve already made plans to go see her tomorrow. Maybe take her the husky toy I bought her. My stepfather says there’s no reason for us kids to go because she doesn’t know where she’s at or who anyone is. This worked for my brothers, but not me. There are some things I feel I should say to my mother before she goes.
I told my stepfather before he left to go to the hospital that I wanted only two things that belonged to my mother: the strawberry Coach key chain I got her for Mother’s Day back in 2008, and the rice paper butterfly Fossil watch I gave her for her birthday in March 2008. That is all I want, and I want her to know that I want it and am taking it.
I don’t know how I feel about taking those things before she’s dead. The watch stopped at 4:15:5. The battery died. I also have a stack of DVDs of her shows that she wanted me to record while she was in the hospital. My older brother wants her house, the other older brother wants her car. I want something the lawyer can’t give me: Time. My mother never got to hold Zinnia. We were going to take a “Four Generations” photo, but that is not going to happen now. My older brother tells me that our mom had a bunch of antique jewelry that I could sell. Unfortunately I don’t know who to give the money to to give her more time.
Please pray for my family.
There seems to be a new scam amongst the scammers:
Now, I have a friend named Cedric Grimaldo. We’re Facebook friends, and I tutored his younger brothers a few years ago when I was still a student myself. That email address up there is not Cedric’s email address, he never asks how I am, he doesn’t have an Android phone and doesn’t use Yahoo! mail.
I’m not sure where the scammers got his name from, but that is really creepy. Good thing something similar to this happened to me years ago, or I might have been convinced that email was sent from a real friend’s true address!
I believe this is a Facebook scam of sorts, and I’ve blocked that address from sending me mail. Fuckin’ scammers!
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