I have been having screaming pain. I say screaming because that is how I deal with it — by screaming. The pain almost makes me black out. I see black spots dancing in front of my eyes.
Last night I broke my no opiates vow by taking some morphine to stop the pain. I took some more tonight. I also slapped on a fentanyl patch.
I just can’t live with this pain much longer.
Doc F wrote me the prescription last night, but he also talked to me about going into a long-term care nursing home. Apparently I am a burden to my family because I need help getting in and out of the bath tub, and I can’t rely on my husband for everything. Especially since he’s going over seas next month. In less than two weeks. That alone frightens me because there will be no one here with me for nearly a month. What if I fall? What if I get deathly sick and can’t take care of the kids? I’ll still be the number one source of transportation here, and I’ll be in charge of feeding, cleaning up after, and putting the kids to bed, on top of going to treatments, doctor’s appointments, taking care of my own medication needs. It’s so overwhelming. I sometimes wonder if I can get through it all.
I’m happy that I have a doctor who takes my sickness and pain seriously now, but now I want him to get rid of it! Make me better! Do something other than load me up with pills that make me just as sick as the illness itself does.
I guess I should be happy. I’m taking baby steps to get better. I don’t know how much longer I’ll have to get better in, but the idea of going to a nursing home makes me think that Doc F doesn’t see me getting well in a reasonable time. And that scares the living beejeebus out of me. This is the third time I’ve danced with Cancer, and I was hoping it would be my last, but not because I’m going to die! For the record, when I’m not in terrible pain, I don’t feel that badly. I feel quite normal. I’m sure that after tomorrow I won’t feel as normal as I should because tomorrow I have a treatment for the first time since November. I am not looking forward to it.
As for tonight, I am sipping water and about to go write in my notebook. Treatment tomorrow means that I’ll have four hours to sit and get sicker and sicker until I can barely keep my eyes open. Sometimes I dream. Sometimes I just cry. I plan on bringing my iPad with me tomorrow. Maybe I’ll just spend the time watching music videos, or maybe I’ll watch some stuff on YouTube. I never know what I’m going to do until I get there, and how I’m feeling gets settled in. It’s time for me to go to bed now. See ya tomorrow!
We got our first major snowstorm of the season last night. It started out as rain, then sleet and now we’re seeing big, floppy snowflakes fall from the sky. Everything is covered in a dusting of white, and I’m getting ready for a snow fest! My husband and I are going to make a snowman with the kids, make snow angels, and have a snowball fight! What a perfectly fun way to spend a Saturday afternoon. Oddly enough, the roads are clear. I love the snow. I love watching it fall and accumulate on the ground and the branches. It’s different, that’s for sure. I’m amazed that every little snowflake is different in some way. All tht uniqueness, and to be surrounded by it, is amazing. The one thing I dislike is the cold and wetness that is the snow. I hate being out in the elements in cold, wet clothing. It’s just something that I have a pet peeve about. But then we’ll get to come in to hot chocolate and marshmallows (none for me thanks, I can’t stand marshmallows). It’s just too bad that the snow waited two days after Christmas to get here. I’ve longed for a white Christmas, and I was spoiled with one four years ago, so now I want one every year. But this is good, too. I like watching the winter wonderland before me.
So now it’s time to head out and play. I haven’t gone out to play in a long time. This is so welcomed. Smile. It’s a beautiful world!
One of the presents I got for Christmas this year was a combination album of Alone Together and A Time For Us, both by Donny Osmond. My husband bought it for me during the time we were separated, which made me feel bad, since I didn’t get him anything while I was in Los Angeles. Back to the album. At first I was confused. I hadn’t asked for this, it was just something that he bought for me on a whim. So I asked, wondering if my thoughts on why he really bought it were correct. Here’s what he said:
“Back in 1994, I bought you the album Alone Together before your first cancer surgery. You really loved the song, Sunshine Rose, on the album. As time went on, you looked for it online, and the only one you could find was full of skips and pops. But you downloaded it anyway. It was a vinyl rip, and a very poor one at that. So when I saw that CD, I checked and your two favourite songs from 1994 were on there. I thought you’d like a clean version of them both for your iPhone.”
I was so happy I threw my arms around him and kissed him.
Not because he bought me that double album, but because he remembered when we were kids, we used to listen to that album all the time, up until my cancer surgery, when my mother packed away all my vinyl albums. I haven’t seen the album Alone Together since I was fourteen, but I remember the song Sunshine Rose, and I remember it well. I was so happy that he remembered the little things that we used to do together that I cried.
I put both songs, Sunshine Rose and Life is Just What You Make It on my iTunes, then synced my iPhone, and I made a CD rip of my favourite songs so far to listen to in the car.
I got some other nice things, jewelry, fragrance, a few 3DS and DS games, and the Saw series on DVD. But nothing tops that album. Nothing. The nostalgia and the precious memories that surround the songs and album can never be replaced with other things. My husband, the greatest husband in the world, can never be replaced. I feel incredibly lucky that I have such a wonderful family at this time of the year. I couldn’t have asked for a better turn out for the people who love me.
Of course, because I trashed his gospel album on Twitter, my older brother, Scott, got me a bottle of Febreeze for my car. He says the “dog smell” chokes him every time he gets in the car. Every time? He’s been in it all of three times in his entire life! Oh well. I used it today to spray the seats and the carpet on the floor so his Highness wouldn’t be offended by the smell of my dog. Personally, I prefer my dog’s smell to Scott’s, but I didn’t tell him that!
I called the parents of my friend who passed away back in September. I asked if I could bring my family by for Christmas lunch or dinner. They were thrilled to have us! Doc Dan is such a wonderful doctor and person. I was so saddened when his youngest child died at the age of 29. I picked them each up something today while I was out secretly Christmas shopping.
I spent more than I should have buying gifts for everyone. I spent about $5,000. No kidding. I maxed out two credit cards, wrote checks, and purged my debit card. I estimated that it came to $5,000. It may be more or less. I told my husband that I spent $500 and he had a fit. Wait till the bill comes in, sugar. Ha ha.
I tire easily these days. It’s gotten worse since I returned from Los Angeles. I think it’s guilt and depression making things hard on me. I keep thinking about the friend that I left behind and how much he loved me. Thinking back on these things, I believe that he may have been in love with me. I don’t like to think about that, but it’s possible. I keep thinking about how I lead him on, how things are bad because of me. I know deep down that’s not true, but it clouds my thoughts. I think about him often. Daily. Hourly. I watch videos of us from when I was out in Los Angeles, and I feel like crying. I see how happy we were, but at the time all I can think of is that I wasn’t happy because I was away from my family. I can’t start anew. I have to deal with the cards I’ve been dealt. I can’t just abandon my family because things got bad.
The kids are excited for Christmas. To be honest, I am too. Chloe thinks that she’s getting a pony for Christmas. Another one? She already has a horse. Yes, I spoiled my little girl. But up until last year she was the only little girl that I had. I had to spoil her! She also wants a Christmas dress. I told her her periwinkle snowflake dress would be just fine. She doesn’t think so. She wants something new, like I get every year, made special. I’ve told her that when she’s older and can appreciate a dress more, she can have a dress made special. Mostly I want to wait until she stops growing like a weed before we invest in a specially made Christmas dress.
So it’s back to wrapping presents for me. I have so much that I have to wrap. At five grand, spending minimum, I guess so! I have three bags of stuff that needs detagged, wrapped and labeled. Then I have to get ready for bed. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I have two Christmas parties to go to and three people I have to deliver presents to. Yup, I get to be Santa Claus tomorrow to my friends. It’s going to be magical.
The sun is trying to come out. I hope it does. I’m sick of the dreary days. I want some sunshine, even if it is short lived!
My sutures are out! Now the real healing begins. Now I can try to do things that I’ve been watching others do all week long, and maybe join in. Maybe. I’m still sore.
People I sent Christmas cards to should start getting them today. I hope that they like what they got. I try hard, anyway.
Now to go out and live that life that is calling me. Or write some more in my notebook. I can’t decide!
I tried to go shopping tonight. Christmas candy and some fruit and nuts for Christmas Eve. But my damned knees! When did they start hurting so badly? It’s not while I’m walking around, but when I’m at rest that they both tingle with pain. I hate that. I wonder if I could get cortisone shots in my knees to make the pain less? I’d love to have that done, but I’m not sure if I’m a candidate for it or not. Back injections are one thing, but my knees? I cringe just thinking about it. And not much makes me cringe these days.
I also have started throwing up more. I haven’t had a treatment in over a month, yet I’m nauseated and vomiting? I’m going to blame the Code Red Mountain Dew for making me sick. Ever since I first tried it in January 2002, and threw up because I was on such a high dose of narcotics, I can’t stomach the stuff. It comes up cold, which makes me even more sick. If that’s possible. I think I spoiled myself from ever enjoying Code Red again. It’s just the Code Red, too. I can tolerate the orange and blue Mountain Dews, just not the red.
I was able to fit into a size six today. And by fit, I don’t mean that I had to lay down on the bed to get the jeans to close and zip. I was standing up, I was able to close the zipper, all just by standing. I was also able to comfortably breathe and inhale and exhale large amounts of air while I was wearing them! I don’t understand it. A year ago, I could barely struggle into them, now that I’ve gained 13 lbs, I can fit them like nothing! Not that I’m complaining. I’m glad my mass has changed. Even if my weight has not.
So today’s the first day of winter. I love the night sky in the winter, but so far it’s been overcast for days. I miss seeing the stars at night. I miss going out just to see the stars. I saw plenty and over twenty shooting stars in Los Angeles, but I can’t go back there for a long time. I promised. But the sky at night was amazing. There were so many stars for a city infested with light pollution. So many shooting stars. So bright was the moon and the stars that were visible. It was like I was a part of the galaxy, just gazing up at them. I was asked if I got any pictures that night, but I didn’t. Not of the night sky. I only had my camera phone, and that was not powerful enough to take pictures of the night sky and have them come out worth a flip.
Hope everyone has a good start to winter. I’m heading off to bed now, so I can get up bright and early tomorrow morning and get my sutures pulled. I’m excited for that.
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