I have a new email address. Please take note.
It’s raining out. I left Chloe with a bottle of lotion, and some hand sanitizer that smelled like the perfume that I use. I want her to feel that she is close to me when I can’t be there.
I helped her wash her hair this evening, and I noticed that she had little spots of blood on the inside of her gown. She said the nurse did it. When I questioned the nurse, she said they were from the shots they had to give Chloe; heparin shots, to keep her from getting a blood clot because she lays in bed all the time. After helping her wash her hair, we put on some of the lotion I use as a perfume, and Chloe got really weak. She closed her eyes and didn’t open them, even after I left. We talked about what was on the TV (The Waltons), what all she was going to do when she got out, and how much home work she was going to have when she got home. Chloe was very confused and thought we had given her up for adoption. She kept asking me if she could come home, and how good she would be if we let her come home. It really broke my heart. Weren’t the nurses telling her where she was? Wasn’t it their job to make sure the patients aren’t as confused as Chloe is?
I told her I would help her with the homework, if she really tried, when she got home. We then rubbed on some loveswept lotion and I kissed her goodbye and left.
Before leaving the hospital, I asked the doctors when they expected Chloe to be well. They said that the infection was lower than it was when she came in, so the medications are working. They just can’t give me an exact date. I really wish they would, though, it would make me feel a whole lot better. I also complained about Chloe thinking that she was being adopted out I told the nurse that I spoke to that she needed to make sure that Chloe knew that she was just sick and highly contagious, not being put up for adoption, and that she would be back with her family soon. The nurse agreed with me that Chloe needed to be reassured about where she was, and said that while she did not tell her that she was being adopted, she would talk to Chloe and tell her that all was well, her family loved her and that the would be back for her as soon as her infection was under control. I thanked her and left the hospital.
I’m exhausted. I need to have a snack and get to bed. I could just pass out. It’s really hard taking care of someone when they are in the hospital. The pouring rain isn’t helping matters. I feel like I weigh a thousand pounds. I just want to crawl into bed and go to sleep.
Chloe’s in the hospital. She’s going to be in there over Easter. This is the first Easter I’ll have to go through with my baby sick in the hospital with a bacteria infection. The bacteria is all through her. They have it under control with antibiotics, and she’s expected to make a full recovery in two weeks. But I don’t want to wait that long for my baby to get well. I want her well now. I feel bad about going shopping and buying new clothes and makeup while my daughter was getting sicker and sicker. I feel like I have neglected her. For the first time in my life, I truly feel like a shitty parent. I hated that we had to leave her at the hospital. If she were in her right mind, she would be scared to death. She doesn’t like to be away from her family for long periods of time.
When I came home from work today, I noticed that Chloe was in bed, asleep, but she hadn’t changed into her night shirt or any pajamas. When she’s somewhat sick, she changes into her sleep clothes so she won’t get her school clothes or other clothes “sick” as she calls it. I put away the stuff I had bought today and went to check on her. Her fever was 103, she could barely open her eyes and she was talking in partial sentences. So I loaded her up in the car and took her to the emergency room. I didn’t even tell Dennis where I was going or why. I hurried all the way to the ED, Chloe was asking where we were going, multiple times, and each time I answered her as best as I could. I kept telling her that everything was going to be okay. Or was I telling myself that?
After three hours in the ED, Chloe was moved to a room, where she will spend the next two weeks. I tried to make it a little more cheery by opening the window shades and turning on Cartoon Network. I even left a note for the nurses that Chloe could watch Adult Swim tonight if she feels up to it. I picked up a teddy bear and a stuffed labrador puppy from the gift shop and brought them to her so she would feel like she was surrounded by her stuffed toys from home.I also picked up a colouring book, a little notebook, a pack of pens, some cross word puzzles, word search puzzles, a book mark, some lollipops and a bottle of hand sanitizer I left all the goodies with her when I left tonight.
Chloe was in better spirits when I left. She said that it was okay for me to go back home, and she would see me again tomorrow. I hesitated and she said that Zinnia needed me, and the boys were probably in her stuff. I laughed slightly at that. I think with all the emergency antibiotics they pumped into her, she’s already feeling a little better.
Chloe’s going to be fine. She just has to be separated from her family for a full week She’s mostly scared and weak, but the doctors joke that this place.
Any ideas on what else I could bring Chloe to brighten her stay in the hospital?
Gonna be a short one tonight, guise. I’m tired and my eyes are blurry.
I went shopping today. I bought a new spring outfit: Pink plaid boxers and a white tee with a purple flower on the side. I also bought a mint green sleep shirt, some MAC Lipstick (Pink Plaid) and Lipglass (Rihanna) and some MAC face wipes to get my make up off at the end of the day. I didn’t even spend $200. I feel so proud of myself. Before the week is up, I’m going back to get two pink shirts that I saw and liked. I seriously need to lay off the make up. I bought $400 worth of foundation the other day simply because I didn’t know what one to buy. There were so many good recommendations and so many that I wanted to try. I bought huge bags full of bottles, jars and compacts of foundation. I feel kind of foolish buying all of that, but I really needed some.
I have a meeting with the University next week to get on the school medical insurance. Once I’m on that, I’ll be set for the summer. No more worrying about where my next medical bill payment is going to come from. Contrary to popular belief, I think that buying make up, craft items, wine, recreational paraphernalia and clothes is a better way to spend my money than on x-rays, MRI’s and hospital stays. Such is life, though. You can’t always spend money on what you want. My dad says that’s a huge lesson for me to learn, in growing up. I still don’t like it.
Chloe is doing much better in school now that she knows that her teachers don’t hate her parents. Is that love or what? She defended us against her teachers, based on what she thought was the right thing to do! I’m really proud of her for following her gut instinct and standing up for her parents. I told her that she should always defend her family, and always be on their side, even if she knows they’re wrong. There’s no shame in being wrong and you can’t be wrong if you’re defending someone you deeply love.
I’m tired and lethargic tonight. I want to try on my new Lipstick and Lipglass, but I’m just so sleepy. I’ll have to do it tomorrow. Maybe then I can play around with it better.
Smile! Life is good!
Today I am thankful for never ending credit card credit!
I need a good foundation. I need something I can throw on in the morning and go. Not something I have to screw with all damned day. I’m looking into many foundations and it’s not like picking out a good fragrance. I have to match skin tone, texture, and blendability. Is that even a word, blendability? It is now!
As of today, I have filled up my third makeup bag with MAC lipsticks, Lipglasses, and other MAC products. Dennis says that I have too much makeup, and that just four years ago, I wasn’t like that. Of course. But since my skin has gotten progressively worse from cancer treatments, I need something to hide the ugliness that the treatments are leaving behind. My doctor says that some day my skin will clear up, but that day has yet to come. I look forward to the day that I no longer need makeup to make myself presentable and then I can show my real face personally. But until then, I need a decent foundation. Have I already said that? I also need a decent, non-cakey, powder foundation, if at all possible. I really just want to be able to look good without worry.
I’m glad to have the weekend off. Dennis and I went out for a little while tonight. We went back to Brookside, and ate out. I wore my retro dress, and my jelly shoes by Crocs. The night was the perfect temperature, and I felt so comfortable there with him. I felt safe, too. I dream these bad dreams of him getting into trouble and us getting killed, most nights, but tonight felt like one of the good dreams. Ones where we’re in the middle of a deserted forrest, where just the moon and stars up above are moving, as they shine down upon us. With a gentle rustling of the grass and trees as a calming wind rushes through. That’s how peaceful I was tonight. I wore my Honey fragrance, and the scent of honeysuckle will always remind me of the peace that I felt tonight. I live for these nights. There’s no hurrying, no emails, no kids, no insulin, no needles, just us, two souls who were made for one another.
I want us to have nights like this forever. I wish they would never end. But soon it will be too hot to go out at night, and then too cold. I know this. I know that we’ve got limited time, that’s why I cherish this time of the year. I can go out and just feel at ease with the one I love. After the walk down the boardwalk, we came home and took a hot bath with rose scented soap. It was so peaceful and relaxing, I almost fell asleep in the bath. I felts so happy.
Now I’m just waiting for bed time, so I can climb into the warm bed, smelling of honeysuckle and roses and dream of how happy I can be, while wrapped in Dennis’s arms.
I wish life could be like this always.
I’ve been incredibly busy this week. Dennis had a birthday yesterday, and so did Zinnia. We celebrated at a restaurant on Brookside. I got a new favourite picture of the girls there. Then we came home and Zinnia opened her presents. I put up pictures on my other site that I am slowly merging onto. I tried to stay away from the camera, but I think there are quite a few there that I was in. Oh well. Speaking of the new site, I added a photo gallery on there, with pictures of me on it. I know that I rarely do anything like that, but I thought it was time.
I’m also working on the final exam for the University. We have to get that turned in before May First. I never thought I would be glad that I am finishing up my semester, especially since I may not be coming back in the fall. We’ll have to see where I am, physically, and then go from there. I feel great, though. I don’t feel like I am sick or dying, even though my doctor says that I am seriously sick.
I spent the last couple of nights watching the sun set with Dennis. We’re skipping tonight because he has some writing to do, and I wanted some “me” time. Part of that “me” time was supposed to be spent working on the final exam, but I am so relaxed and I wanted to just lay down and nap.
Chloe and I are going to decorate my journal with stickers that I bought a week ago. They came in on Monday. Tons of stickers. I really love ordering stickers from that place and putting them in my journals. They make the pages come alive. I also love Moo’s round stickers. I have stickers of all my friends stuck on my computer, in my journals on their birthdays, anniversaries, or just because, and it really makes me happy. Weird little hobby that I have.
Another addiction/hobby that I have is collecting MAC Lipsticks. I’ve spent about $1,200 on MAC Lipsticks alone. With 80+ shades, I have quite the collection. I have three makeup bags full of MAC Lipsticks. That’s not even counting the Lipglassees that I have. I tried to match them with the Lipsticks that I have, but I just couldn’t get all the colours that I wanted. Plus, mixing them up is a good thing, right?
It got well into the 80′s today. And it’s only April! I really hate the heat. I’ve got the air conditioner going full blast. Ahhhh…Recycled air! But it makes for great sun sets and the stars look amazing this time of year. Maybe they look amazing all year long. I’m going out to gaze upon them again tonight, if my neck isn’t too stiff and hurting. I wake up with my neck hurting all the time. I think I need a new pillow.
Smile! This world is a beautiful place!
Today I am thankful for soft, fluffy pillows!
Chloe saved up her allowance and bought me a Build-A-Bear tye-dye bear.
She named the bear “Hope”. I think this was a sweet thing to do. We really taught Chloe compassion and empathy and love. I couldn’t ask for a better kid.
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