New Uses

November 3rd, 2004 by Echos

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How long has it been since I last blogged? Has a whole season come and gone already? I’ve decided what I’m going to do with these site. This site will be used to log drama and other crap. Stellar! will be used to write about my work and family life, and my Livejournal will be used to write about my sex life. Like anyone really reads these sites anyway! Sometimes it’s hard to keep three sites running, but I’ll do my best.

On to the first drama entry!

When people often talk about their friends killing themselves on here, they’re usually written off as a fake. I wish I lived in their shoes. I wish I had that type of control over people and what they do on my friends list. If I did my life would be a whole lot easier. I’m stepping out of the shadows now. Though I may take Sean’s advice and stop journaling all together this is what has been happening for me for the past month until around 4:20 this morning when a “friend” of mine pretended to be suicidal.

A month ago, I went to Harvest Moon. It’s a Pagan holiday that comes on the first full moon of the fall season. I have been celebrating it since the fall of 1995. I love the celebration, the music, the fun of the festival. This past year, a close friend of mine told my friend Billy that she was committing suicide. I’m extremely raw when it comes to intentional self-deaths. My sister and girlfriend killed themselves just last year. Another friend on here attempted a couple of weeks ago. Suicide threats and attempts make me uneasy. When my sister killed herself, I thought no more and vowed as long as I lived, I’d never let another friend hurt themselves like that again. When this woman said she was suicidal in September, I rushed home to lies and tall tales. Decided I’d had enough, I started actively looking into getting away from people like her. This hoax went on for three days. I nearly lost John. This was the lie I was talking about back then. Lies suck. Unneccessary lies really suck. This is where I started hanging out with William and getting the best sex ever.

Eventually, I had to go to work, but when my contract runs out, I will not be continuing my job there. I am moving far away in December and possibly getting a new journal and domain. I’m just finished with the lies this woman has told me. I have always acted out of sheer love for her as a friend. If she’s intimidated by me being bisexual or “sleeping around” as it’s more commonly feared around here, that is her problem. I won’t force her to like me. I don’t really have any other friends like that online, and I have decided this is the last. No more long AOL Instant Messenger Conversations. No more long emails. No more proving myself to Josh. No more $200 phone bills. Am I free? No. After what happened last night/early this morning I will never be free again. I have been hurt too much to ever be free again. :*-(

First, I will show you the Instant Messages. Though this was done with the same two screen names, I took over the conversation in the second cluster. I have tried to lable them as best as I can, though I know I must have made mistakes somewhere in all of this.

This is somewhere in the first 30 minutes of the conversation. She mentions suicide right off quick:
her:whats the easiest way to commit suicide?
her:pills? slitting your wrists?
Billy:i’m going to stop talking to you.
her:no a friend asked me that
her:and I didnt know
Billy:i’m sure they did. i’m not into this psycho shit. i asked you a question you ignored it. that shows how well you like me.
her:no they did, it was a report they are doing in class

Here we see her planning what’s going to be on her tombstone:
her:that will be written on my tombstone
her:I promise
her:*********
her:haahahhaha
her:rememer that
her:hahaahhaa

Here she is “planning on getting drunk”. This is relevent later on in the post:
Billy:i’m planning on doing something this weekend.
her:think Ill go back to my land and die there
her:yessssssss but you will just blow me off
her:hahhaahah
her:its okay
her:Im used to it
her:Im going to get drunk

Then she gets mad at me for having leukemia and Billy picking me up Wednesday evening:
her:I just am no longer her friend
Billy:why? she did nothing to you. ever. nothing wrong anyway.
her:all comes down to loyalty
Billy:you didn’t want me telling our conversations, so i never did. she never knew if we’d made up or not.
her:she was talking to me, she knew, how I felt what had happened
her:I was crying my heart out
Billy:i wanted to throw out your broken tiara. she took it out of the trash and fixed it.
Billy:she didn’t know what you’d sent me.
her:yessssssssss she did
her:and I thanked her for that only to get this post latere
Billy:she asked ************** if you could go to the green day concert, knowing 4 other people wanted to go.
Billy:she did not see what you had emailed me. i over reacted.
Billy:that is not her fault.
her:let them go
her:I dont want to go
Billy:no one’s going.
her:I dont want any more to do with this
Billy:it’s alright.
her:I went to the doc today
Billy:do you think i’m upset?
her:guess what?
her:I have luekemia
her:haahhaaha
her:sooooooo retarded
her:my lungs are shot
her:couging up blood
her:soooooooooooo stupid

This is shortly after she said she hated me:
Billy:you’ve worried a lot of people tonight.
Billy:i’m not saying that to be mean.
Billy:i promise.
her:I dont care
her:Im seirious
her:fuck them’
Billy:you don’t care that you worried me?
her:crying of course I did
her:you are the only one
her:no one else
her:Ive had it
Billy:what?
her:cant take it anymore
Billy:i thought we were okay?
Billy:all of us now?
her:me and you are
her:I love you
her:no not all of us
Billy:i don’t understand?
her:its okay
her:doesnt matter
Billy:yes it does.
her:its okay
Billy:why are you doing this to me? i want things to be right. why can’t you at least make an effort to make them right?
her:I will
her:what ever you want me to do
Billy:the good way. not the other way.
her:yessssssssssssss
her:conitions
Billy:?
Billy:i don’t think i fully understand.
her:dam I love you that is all I know, and here I sit alone
Billy:you’ve pushed people away.
her:okay

Oh the grand finale. This part of the conversation is where I took over. She said she had taken pills and alcohol that when I googled the name of the medicine it didn’t turn up, but gave an alternate spelling. I took the alternate spelling and discovered this page which clearly stated that she was having signs and symptoms of an overdose and the alcohol she’d consumed was making her sicker.
her:I cant cant see its the medince
me:you took medicine?
me:what kind?
her:they gave me it
me:what kind?
her:amnitiriptoline
me:what’s it for?
her:I cant see
me:what’s it for?
her:they didnt tell me
me:look it up on webmd.com.
her:said it woulld be good for my hormones
me:oh no…
me:i thought you said your hormones were fine?
her:crying
me:this seems to make it worse. i wouldn’t take it anymore if i were you.
her:like as if amuppe cars
her:fickl t[
me:and you taking it, and verbally abusing me, is going to make you really regret things.
me:because this is not helping you.
me:it’s like those shots.
her:O, ;eavomg
me:stay
me:i’m not being mean.
me:i’m telling you.
her:U cant take it
me:i think you’re having a bad reaction.
me:i think you are.
me:how are you feeling physically?
her:ao qhRR NO ONW WAAREA
me:I CARE. NOW CALM DOWN AND TELL ME HOW YOU’RE FEELING PHYSICALLY.
her:SO WHAT NO ONE CARES
me:I CARE.
me:NOW CALM DOWN
me:AND TELL ME HOW YOU ARE FEELING PHYSICALLY.
her:Im drunk
me:did you drink any alcohol?
her:took six of their so called pills
me:how many were you supposed to take?
her:like the y tol dm to do
her:just taht
me:okay.
me:did you drink any alcohol?
her:Im going away
me:no. stay.
me:did you drink any alcohol?
me:i’m trying to help you.
her:yesssssssssss
me:if i didn’t love you, i’d be gone.
me:but i love you, so i’m staying and trying to help you.
me:how much alcohol and was it beer or wine or vodka?
her:no one loves me you are just trying to convvvivt mmmme
me:no. i’m not.
me:if i was going to convict you, i’d have done it a long time ago.
her:you want me put awau
me:what did you drink?
her:brown ale
me:how much?
me:is that medication possibly spelled amitripyline?
her:you are going to narc oneme
me:no i’m not.
me:i’m doing an evaluation.
her:you are going to have them tak me aay
her:you arecallin them now
her:I hate you
her:Ihate yu
me:no. i’m not. i’m doing this because i love you and i think you’ve done something really bad.
her:Im npt bad
her:O,Imm not
me:no, but the chemical reaction you have going on is.
me:and you’re not a chemist so you can’t have known.
her:fuck you
her:see you
her:bye
me:wait.
me:hear me out.
her:you are going to bust me
me:i will call for someone. i think you may have done something bad.
her:nooooooooooooooooo
me:you need to get to the er.
her:fuck you
me:alcohol + that medicine
her:that is ot
me:is a LEATHAL combo.
me:you need to tell them.
her:I will never trust you agan
me:tell someone.
me:then i will tell them
her:ever
her:mever
me:because i don’t want you to die.
her:ever
her:fuck you
her:never
her:crying
her:ever
me:you need to see a doctor.
her:fine
her:bye
her:never
me:any dizziness?
me:are you dizzy at all?
her:I fell going to the bathroom
me:okay. i want you to read something as best as you can. can you do this for me?
her:I have had these blinding heaaches
me:read this page:
http://www.drugs.com/amitriptyline.html
her:nooooooooo fuck youi
her:go help christine
her:I am going up innto the hills
me:wait.
her:Im gone
me:did you start having these headaches after taking this?
her:help her
me:talk to me.
her:yessssssssss
me:okay.
me:when did you start taking this?
me:today, yesterday?
her:and I got shaky and fell donw
her:wtf?
her:its juist me
me:when did you start taking the pills?
her:no one special
me:when did you start taking the pills?
her:tuesday
me:okay.
me:you are special.
her:same day they saiud UI was allerigic
me:and i want you to prove you love me. can you do that?
her:noooooooooo fuck that
me:can you prove you love me and do a small thing?
her:fuck you
me:no…just hear me out.
me:can you stay awake for another 30 minutes?
me:can you do that small thing for me?
her:IM going back into the hills
me:no. you’re not.
me:there are ticks out there.
me:you’re going to sit here with me.
her:I dont care
me:you will.
her:Iwill die out ther
me:they suck.
me:literally.
me::-)
me:and not in a good way.
her:nothing means anythig
me:it should.
me:when did you start drinking the alcohol?
her:fuck you
her:ayah yahaha ahahaahhaah
me:no thanks. when did you drink the alcohol?
me:was it tonight? after i left the first time?
her:I quit
me:no. tell me.
me:i’m being nice.
her:after it mad me sick
me:the pills?
me:did the pills make you sick?
her:sop tell me I m a driml wjte trash whoere
me:i’m not.
me:hey….
her:drunk
me:would you like to see me tonight?
me:or tomorrow?
me:when the sun comes up?
her:crying
her:FUCK YOU
her:FUCK YOU
her:TEASE ME
her:fool me
her:Im sorry
me:brb. bathroom
her:soooooooooo sorry
her:Im leaving
her:fucl
her:fuck it wont let me post[[‘
her:ca;lling the cops are you>
me:no. i was taking a shit.
me:i shit every night at this time.
me:it’s nice being so regular.
her:i qas leaving’
me:glad you chose to stay.
me::-)
her:you are/
me:yeah. i love you. i like being with you.
her:Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh man
me:don’t you like being with me?
her:I love being with you\\\
her:more than anyting
me:are you feeling any better? physically, that is.
her:noooooooooooo Im sicker
me:what’s wrong?
her:doesmmt maater
me:it matters to me.
me:tell me where it hurts. let’s play doctor. let me take away the pain.
her:pjjjjjjjjj tjano up babuoe
her:bito ot dpesmmmmt fp ,,e
me:you’re going to have to try a smidgen harder.
her:unnreynnr
her:vuur rhwy
her:qonr lllwr mmw aww
me:you can do this. try. wipe your eyes and try.
her:im
her:truyinng
me:i know.
her:bbut
her:tjhey
me:just try a little harder for me. okay?
her:wobt llllet mme see
me:i can’t take away the pain if i don’t know where it is.
her:they raaabbb mme uupp withhh sommwthing
me:do you have a headache? is it worse?
me:just type y or n.
her:uitss soooooooo worsse
me:are you more dizzy?
her:suuzzt’uzz6\\\\\\\\
me:did you drink anymore?
her:zzt
her:noooooooooooooo
me:you did
her:noo
me:okay
her:I hasd 3 beers
her:gppdbue
her:i fucckkkd uup
her:bbue
her:bye
me:i’m here
me:how much do you love me?
me:do you want me to tell you how much i love you?
me:i can do that.
her:wjja
me:y for yes n for no.
me:do you want me to tell you how much i love you?
her:,pte nore than my wholfe lffe”
her:help me
her:yesssssssssssss
her: I doooo
me:okay. it’s long. because i’m not the only one who loves you.
me:and don’t say no one else loves you because they do.
me:they want to tell you too.
me:i wake up every morning, glad that you’re in my life.
her:Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh bie
me:i get through the day knowing you’ll be here for me at night.
her:teaas*
me:to share a laugh, to make me smile. to tell me i’m needed.
me:to let me know it was all worth while.
me:to make fun of the morons.
me:knowing that i’ll be seeing that when i get home at night makes any bad thing that happens to me worth it.
me:did you fall asleep.

At that point, I called the National Boys and Girls Town Hotline for help. They wanted me to have her call for an ambulance but of course she wouldn’t. I did everything I possibly could. I googled for hospitals, help lines, etc. I called the Poison Control Center. I was scared. My heart was racing. As far as I knew, my friend was killing herself and I was sitting there doing nothing. Just like I did with my sister. As a last resort, I asked the NBaGTH counselor if I would be in trouble for calling 911. He told me no, so I did. By now, she had signed off. I was in a state of panic. I told the disbatcher what happened. She transfered me to a Federal line. We talked. I was transfered to the county disbatcher. It was now 4:20 AM. I was worried. All I had was an AOL conversation and her word. They assured me the police would be there soon. It looked like a possible suicide to me. She asked for help. She knew the name of the medicine. She had the signs and symptoms of an overdose. After the call, I felt empowered, as though I had saved the life of a friend. That feeling soon disappeared when I got called back from the police there. They checked on her, and she had just been drinking. Denied taking pills, denied symptoms. In other words, she had lied to Billy and I. She took our deepest fear and heart-twisting situation and played us.

In the end, I was fined $4,000 for making a “false emergency call”. WTF?! She told us she was taking six pills with alcohol. She could have at least told the cops “Oh I was lying to those retarded fools. They take the internet too seriously.” She made me look crazy in the eyes of the police. They’ll probably never take me serious again, no matter what. That $4,000 could have paid Micah’s medical expenses. And what really pisses me off? She never once returned my phone call. I called her this morning. She didn’t respond at all. She told Billy she was never talking to me again and actually pressing charges on me if I contacted her. I altered my last entry because she took offense at it. I held together a broken tiara she desperately wanted for three hours while the craft glue dried. I altered my schedules to call her when she was down. I took verbal beatings from other people on the web for being her friend. I lost friends over her. I lost my webhosts over her. I gave up going to San Francisco on my birthday cos she couldn’t make the trip too and I felt bad for her not being able to go. I invited her to the Green Day concert when neither of the guys providing the tickets can stand her. I asked people here, real-life people not to comment rude things to her when I should have believed them when they were saying she was calling them the “F” and “Q” words. Billy has been ridiculed, harassed, and forced to have his journal suspended cos of people bothering him about her. We have turned every cheek on our bodies for her, and she cannot even consider us friends? I am the “lying bitch” who’s got no loyalty? Um, to hell with that.

I know where this is going to lead us. I’ll be defriended. Billy will be cussed out on AOL tonight. It was a no-win situation. I know now that she is at least alive and possibly thinking about what she did to us. As for me, well, I’m pretty much done. $4,000 will never be paid off in my book. I’m working to support a liar who doesn’t even care about me. Cute. But I care about people. That’s what makes me shine where I stand. And I’m satisfied knowing that.