Rape

The problem with what happened to me is it happens to so many people every single day. So many of these people take the path I took only they don’t do it for the same reason I did.

It happened the day of the Independence Day Picnic. I was going about, helping be hostess when Gee and his brother got into a fist fight. What it was really about, I’ll never know. His brother, Billy, said it was started because he made a comment about Gee’s weight. Gee says it was about Billy making lewd comments about sleeping with me from August of last year up until way after Christmas and the baby I am carrying is his. After what happened to me, I’m more inclined to believe Gee’s side of this. I asked Billy to leave the Picnic. He was causing problems and he has a life online that he could tend to. I, on the other hand, don’t have all this time to sit online and chat on AOL Instant Messenger or update a thousand weblogs, journals and so on. Billy asked me if he could talk to me about something and, like a fool, I agreed to let him. He wanted to talk inside, so we went into the kitchen. That was where he said he needed to use the bathroom. I waited and waited, then I started watering the plants in the kitchen. He got me from behind, pulled me to the floor. I didn’t fight back. I don’t know why. Maybe if I did, I’d have had bruises or something that proved I was really attacked. He pulled my shorts off, and my panties, and raped me on the kitchen floor. I said over thirty times for him to stop. And no. And Don’t. Forced intercourse is rape. No matter what anyone else tells you.

Afterwards, he did leave the party, but left me there on the floor. I had people tell me he left without bothering his brother anymore. I had my friend, Robbie, take me to the hospital where they wanted to know where my husband was throughout all of this. Um, I don’t have one anymore. Why is it that when a visibly pregnant woman comes in injured, the staff wants to get in touch with her husband? I told them I had no husband, and I wanted a rape exam, proof that it happened, and I was filing a police report. I walked into that hospital with the full intentions of pressing charges on Billy. I tried to call his girlfriend, but she didn’t answer her phone. I needed proof, anything, that he fancied me and had always wanted to restart a relationship with me. She never answered either of her lines. I sent her an email before going to the hospital, asking her to call me as soon as she got the email. She has never replied.

The rape exam revealed only seamen inside me. No bruises. No tears. No evidence that I had had brutal sex at all. There were no bruises on my body anywhere. No marks. Not even any tears on my clothing. The doctor had the nerve to ask me after the exam: “What really happened here?” “Meaning what?” “Meaning….Did you really just have sex with someone you’ll regret later on?” I was insulted and horrified. He was implying that I had made up the entire thing. My face burning, I asked for my clothes. He asked me: “Are you going to tell me what really happened before I call the police? There’s no evidence anywhere on you of forced sexual intercourse. You’re not drugged. You’re not drunk. This doesn’t look like a rape to me.” “You don’t have to call the police,” I told him. “Reporting a false rape is a serious crime,” he replied. “It was forced sexual intercourse. I said no. He did it anyway,” I said. He shook his head. “What’s left of your hymen is still intact. You don’t appear to be a victim of rape,” he said. There were tears in my eyes at this point. Keep in mind that I haven’t cried since March.

I left the hospital. I went back home. The next morning, Gee was injured in a stunt on his filming. I don’t believe it was an accident at all. I think he intentionally missed the net. I think he wanted to fall to his death. He only had a broken arm, but that was enough. He thinks I conscented to sex with Billy. Nothing could be further from the truth. I said no so many times and he forced it on me. Just because I am stretched out somewhat down there doesn’t mean that I am not capable of being raped. Old women in their 70′s are capable of being raped. Billy has been gloating around that now he and I have to get married. That no one else will ever want me. You know what? I’d rather be dead than married to him. Seriously. I hate this man with a passion. He thinks he’s god’s gift to women and any woman who doesn’t die of orgasm overload upon looking at him is obviously a lesbian. What’s worse is he hides behind this curtain of “love” for his son and brothers whom he says he raised from babies. There was no love he showed those boys. Almost every cruel thing he has accused his own father of, he has done himself. Making fun of his son for being gay. Making fun of his baby brother for being fat. Making fun of his other baby brother for needing glasses. This man should have never been around his children or baby siblings. I’m just glad that his son came to his senses and chose to leave him before it got too far out of hand.

Part of me still wants to get in touch with his girlfriend. Tell her what happened. At least for her own knowledge. Maybe she knows and that’s why she’s avoiding everyone? Jessy knows. Robbie knows. Looking over Gee’s journal tonight, he knew bits and pieces of it. But whether or not he knows the entire truth is another story. Several times tonight I have gone out to the swing, looked up at the stars and felt myself hitting the speed dial to call her. Just so she can know. Just so she knows the whole truth. This man has turned her against everyone she was once friends with or could have been friends with. His son. His brother. His friends. Me. He tells us all how she is just using us to get to him, and her actions, such as denying to go to my Independence Day Picnic if he wasn’t going to be there, seem to justify this. In the end, yesterday, I sent her an email telling her it wasn’t important, that she doesn’t need to call me, and should forget that email all together. I don’t expect to ever hear from her again. She’s made the choices she has to live with forever. I don’t expect her to suddenly go to Jessy’s presentations or be my friend ever again. I expect some email that reads: “alright. I’m leaving forever. You will never hear from me again.” That is how she is. If she can’t have Billy, life is not worth living. No one else means anything to her. No one else’s feelings mean anything to her except her own.

So why am I writing this? I’m putting it here so people can read my words. So that maybe Gee will read it and not be so mad at me. So maybe people will know my side of all of this. So that when people think Billy is this loving, sweet man, they’ll know what he did to one person. I don’t expect people to jump on my side. You don’t know me like that. I’m not that very active in the online world. He is. He has friends all over the web. I’m sure I will get hundreds of comments on this entry, for the first time that I have had this site, and they will be bad comments. People mad at me for telling the truth because the truth is not something they want to hear. I know what this has done to me. For the first time in three fucking years I want to fall from grace. Never in my life have I wanted a case of whiskey and a handful of rocks as badly as I have wanted, neigh, needed them as I did this week. I feel this is the end of my relationship with Gee. I feel that this has broken the bond of trust that we have built up since October. I was his first. He loved me to pieces because of that. Now he thinks that i had conscentual sex with his brother. I spent a good part of tonight gazing at the stars and listening to songs filed away on a disc made in 2001. I wish it were August 15, 2001 again. The only thing holding me back from falling is knowing I am pregnant with an innocent child who didn’t ask to be a part of this. But I don’t know what I will do after she is born. Maybe I don’t want to know.

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