Archive for November, 2007
We had our family Christmas pictures taken today. Pan dishes of pressed powder and smiles hide abuse well. The powder hides the bruises on my skin and the smiles hide the bruises on my soul. I worked the powder in until it felt like it was a part of my skin. I was careful not to get any on the black top of my dress. That dress cost a lot of money. The skirt is golden coloured. Maybe it’s made out of real gold? I wondered what I had done this time. All he told me was that “I knew.” Did I? I can’t be sorry for something I did or feel the repercussions of punishment if I don’t know what I did that was so bad. I have ideas, ideas of why things have to be this way. He told me some day my husband would know. He told me I couldn’t keep things from him forever. I think he’s planning on telling him.
The photographer said I was “absolutely beautiful”. I am? Since when? I guess I looked presentable on the outside. I didn’t feel beautiful. Normally when I get my new Christmas dress and I pose for the seasonal pictures, I feel so much better than I did before. It puts me in the mood for the season. This year? It’s just going to be a constant reminder of the fact that I did something wrong, I don’t know what, and I was marked for it. There’s hidden pain in that picture. Pain in my heart.
I didn’t just let this happen. I tried to reason. I asked what happened. I asked what went wrong. He wouldn’t tell me. Today he was more open, after the pictures were taken. He said his love rejected him because he couldn’t father lots of babies for her. They’re not spring chicks, they’re in their forties. They should be planning their retirement, not a family. I laughed. Is that what he’s going to tell about me? That I’m that much less of a woman and wife because I’m sterile? Does he think my husband will leave me because I can’t make anymore babies for him? We’re done having babies. We have a concept of reproductive responsibility and we knew when enough was enough.
I’m ok with what happened. It’s something that sucked when it happened but it’s over now. I told him eventually he’d feel better too. He didn’t have to hit me repeatedly because I sent his love a Christmas card. I send lots of people cards. She used to be my friend. She used to brag about liking me better than him. Was that what I was punished for? Sending a card? He didn’t have to hold onto my arms until bruises appeared up and down them because I wouldn’t get my friend’s tattoo removed. Was I punished for not getting every single tattoo on my body removed? I kept one. The one my friend gave me the year before he died. The one that he said would keep us connected for the rest of our lives. I miss him too much to get it removed. I got all the others taken off. I submitted to “not being white trash”. I played the game as best as I could and I still wasn’t good enough to get the high score.
My husband doesn’t believe me. He asked what happened to me and I said I ran into a door. A large door. One that towered three inches over me, and outweighed me by 20-30 lbs. He laughed and said that must have been one big door, and I needed to watch where I was going. I wonder if he would have shrugged it off so much if I had said the doorknob to the door unwillingly ended up in my vagina?
It’s ok though. It really is.
It looked like it was going to snow today, when I woke up. The sky was gray and the leaves were gone from the trees. Typical fall day. The sun eventually came out, but there are still hints of clouds in the sky. The sun through the golden leaves is beautiful. I wanted to sit at the window and watch it forever. But then life called. It said I needed to wash the dishes. I needed to make lunch. I needed to buy some groceries and feed the dog. I didn’t want to take the call, but I’ve lost my answering machine and voicemail is down. =) I’m weird, aren’t I?
I downloaded several themes over the past week, but I can’t get them to install properly. I think I’ve lost interest in working with sites. I’ve been doing this since 1999. I feel like there’s nothing I can do that hasn’t already been done a million times over again. People have emailed me to tell me I have a unique voice, a unique outlook on life, and the talent to write it on the web so it comes alive. I believe them, sometimes. Then there are the other people. The people who say I suck, and I should stop writing all together. These are people who have almost no comments (other than themselves) and nothing to offer the world. I believe them, more than I should.
I’ve said this all over, but I feel like it’s a lesson we could all learn from. I’d rather have one or two good friends who truly cared about me and my life than to be surrounded by phonies and fakes who base friendship on comments and hits. People who think they have friends but are so blinded by the fact that their hit counters are high they don’t think twice about things. If there’s one lesson I’ve learned in life it’s to watch who is on your friends links. Look at how they treat others, even people who are “enemies” of many other people but never did anything to them personally. Do they treat them with respect? Or do they make snide comments about them? How do you think they’ll treat you? If you think they’re not archiving your posts or right-clicking your pictures, possibly re-distributing this, then you need to think again, especially if you’ve seen them do it before.
I leave you with these thoughts: Do you know who’s on your link bar? Do you think they’re your friend? Or are they just collecting information on you to turn on you with?
I went shopping for some clothes today. I have a presentation in one of my classes Tuesday and we have to look good. We have to look professional. I thought I looked good enough in my jeans and a t-shirt, but apparently that’s not what the other professors had in mind. So while I was clothes shopping, I got a good look at myself in those full-length mirrors. I’m ugly. There’s just no way that I’m at all anywhere attractive. It dawned on me right then why Gee chases those 15 year old fans of his, looks at other women and said he didn’t love me anymore. I can’t imagine why anyone would love me or want to be with me.
That shouldn’t be the goal of my life, to have a companion. I know of plenty of people who are single and their lives are just swell. I fear being alone. When I run out of Corn Flakes or milk, it will be up to me to go to the store and get more. No one will wake up before me and do this. I’m responsible for what happens to me. I don’t like it. I would go insane without other human contact. My goal in life should be to make the world a better place for future generations. My goal in life should be to make it a better place for the present generation. I spend so much time looking in that mirror when I pass it, that I’ve lost touch with what I originally set out to do.
Long time no see? =) I wish I could write about all the things on my mind, but I just can’t bring myself to do that. I have to start over. I hate starting over. I need to do so much when starting over. I keep telling myself that I did all of this seven years ago, but here I am today, with a gutted domain.
Part of a good fresh start is not making the mistakes of the past. I keep thinking about all the dumb things I did and how I wish I could make a time machine and stop myself from doing them. Who doesn’t have regrets? It’s not just social regrets, it’s regrets for things I’ve done to myself. I want my blog to be a positive experience. I want people to click away thinking, “I’m glad I went there.” I can’t do that with distractions and other things pressing down on me. At the same time, I can’t be what people expect me to be. I can just be me. But I can control that me.
I want to write about my experiences. I feel that I have a unique outlook on life, and I want to share that with others. I’d like to think that everything that happened to me happened for a reason. I didn’t suffer for anything. Did I suffer? I think I did. Does it matter what I think? To me, yes. I feel like I have something to offer people. Whether it’s insight or a shoulder to cry on, I feel like I have something inside of me to make people feel better, to make a difference in someone else’s life. I want to be seen as a positive person.
So come and join me in the journey of survival. Join me in fighting to the end! This is a journey we can win if we don’t give up and just fight to the finish!