House Cleaning For The Soul

I’m still working on things on this page. Yes, I feel the need to make an entire post on the fact that I’ve managed to make a couple of image styles for my new layouts coming this spring. Yes, I’ve made the decision to kiss the Simplicity good bye. It’s a lovely theme, but it hasn’t been updated in nearly three years. WordPress has evolved since that theme was made, so I don’t think it’s a good idea to continue to use a theme that is out of date. I want the best possible experience with WordPress, and I can’t continue to do so with an out-of-date theme. Yes, I emailed Stacey about this, but I have not heard back from her. It’s ok. I have some lovely designs in my Dashboard, and I think I can live with them. I just need some time to tweak them after I get them going.

I’m starting to feel trapped. Trapped in my mind, trapped in my world. I’m no longer happy just being me. The depression makes it hard to get anything done or even get excited about anything. I feel worse because I remember when I used to be happier. I remember when I could get excited about things and get a lot accomplished in just an hour, and that was with a slow computer and a dial up.

I wish I knew what was happening to me. I wish I knew what to do about all of the stress going on in my life. Most of the people I considered friends were just fair-weather friends who were always there wanting advice and help, but never willing to give any support themselves. Just once I wish I could have been able to pour my soul out to any of them and not have them ridicule me or post what I said in a public forum. I know the rules of the internet world, don’t post what you don’t want that Wide World to see, but when others do it to you, it’s cruel and heartbreaking. Particularly when the information was exchanged when you were friends.

One friend I particularly liked turned out to be just using me to get to my other friends. He eventually ditched her, after the fact, but the pain remains fresh in my heart. Even four years later. The shock still floods me when I cross her old emails accusing me of ridiculous things, as if they were just sent today. The tears still come when I think about all the times I really, honestly thought that I had a friend, and how fooled I was for over two years. Maybe even three. I still have the emails, the voice mails. I don’t know why I kept all that stuff; I’m a glutton for punishment, I suppose. I shouldn’t have kept all of those things. I should have let them go, but part of me just can’t. I don’t know why I’m holding onto these things so tightly. They aren’t good for me, and they’re progressing the depression further. The question that always comes to mind when I see these things is, “How could I have been so stupid?” I wonder if other people were deceived too, until I realise that most people wouldn’t have invested anything into someone like that after the first outburst. Many people wouldn’t have been so damned gullible as to continue to have anything to do with someone who verbally mistreated them and laughed at them for being so stupid.

I think that’s what I need to do. I need to clean out those emails and throw them away. Throw away the text messages. Toss everything out. It’s not like I’m going to sue the woman for what she did to me. I don’t have a case at all. She never screwed me out of any money, and I didn’t screw her out of any either. I’m not sure if there’s a logical reason to hang onto those emails other than I don’t want to suffer the emotional anguish that I did three years ago, ever again. I want to move on. I will move on. I will survive.

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