Finalizations

Someone told me they loved me today. Love between myself and this person isn’t an option anymore. I have moved on. I am happy where I am. I know that I am happy. I tell myself that I am happy. I looked around at all I did today, with the cleaning and the catching up.

I feel like I’ve done nothing. Sure, I threw away two big garbage bags full of my childhood debris, and things from days that are better left as memories, but what did I really accomplish? A longing for the past that I have left behind me. I cannot go back in time and relive those things. So I threw away their momentos. I came across the box from my first iPod. The diary that I secretly wrote in at my first job. Printouts from my first time on the internet at a library in 1997. Has it been a decade? Time flies when you’re having fun. All of these things were kept as though I planned to go back in time and relive those days of previous happiness. It doesn’t work that way.

Throwing away things like that did not make me stronger. I feel a sad sensation of finalization in life. Things are gone. Days are gone. Moving on means not to think about them anymore than I have to. I asked Dennis if he was happy with all that I had done. He said the living room “looked better but there was room for improvement”. To hell with that, I have to catch up for Monday. I have to be prepared for the avalanche that awaits me next week. This was my rest week and I managed to delete the past from my presence. That doesn’t mean that it never happened. That means it’s out of sight and on my mind.

I never thought of those days until I cleaned up that little corner of the living room. I never looked back on what happened. Now I think about them constantly. I guess I will for a while now. That’s the funny thing about my mind. It works in ways a ‘normal’ mind does not.

Comments RSS Both comments and pings are currently closed.