100th Post

I feel bad. I feel torn. This is the part where I should say that I don’t want to shut my brother-in-law out, especially when I took a look at some of the things he did today. He’s alone. He has no children, no spouse, people just contact him when they want money or a favor. This includes his father, brothers, and various step mothers. I hate that he and I don’t get along, and a tiny part of me feels like I should give him another chance, if he truly stops associating with his “girlfriend”.

After all, it’s Christmas.

I would hate to be alone at Christmas time. No one to trim the tree with, no one to just be with. I’m not a cruel person, and I feel like he acts the way he does because I don’t pay enough attention to him. I may live to seriously regret this, but I think I should at least watch and see if he does anything stupid like gets back in touch with his girlfriend or tells her things about me. I’d prefer it if she really did think I was dead, but with a site and all, she’s going to figure out that I’m not and then the shat shall fly once again.

I feel bad that he’s willing to continue to pay $100 a month to his cell phone company incase I wanted to call him, and then I said I would never speak to him again. That’s low.
I feel bad that he’s so alone, he fantasizes about marrying me, and has convinced himself that while Dennis is away, I can file for divorce and marry him, and we can start a happy family of our own. I hate that he really thinks I would abandon my husband and children just to make him happy or that he thinks that together we could replace them.
I feel bad that his “girlfriend” is basically a succubus and he feels that he should submit to her because she’s all he’ll ever have. No matter what or who it costs him.
I feel bad that I wasn’t a good enough friend or supportive enough family member to him, so he feels that abuse should be something normal in life.
I feel bad that I told him to go pound sand at Christmastime.

Mostly I feel guilty, and I really wish that I hadn’t said some of the things I said yesterday and Monday night. But I really don’t want a repeat of what’s happened over the past four years. They were hard enough without having to worry about someone harassing me because of jealousy. Now that I’ve cooled off, I feel like I should stand back, look at what happened, and then try my damnedest to make things right.

What was all that I said about forgiveness a month ago???

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