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Cancer

I think one of my boys might be autistic. Why:

Give him anything with colours and he matches them up according to colour and then eats it (if it’s food). His brother just eats when he’s given fruity Cherrios. That’s a sign of autism, right?
Pogo woke me up, crying, today. She woke me up at 4am in tears from the pain. I gave her some more pain medicine, but I don’t think it’s really doing any better for her. She just sleeps all the time. When she’s not on high levels of pain medication, she cries from the pain. It’s gotten to the point where Dennis and I don’t even speak to each other about this. I wish there was something else that I could do to prolong her life. It isn’t right that I have to sit by and watch my baby die a slow, painful death from cancer.
This is the part where you can leave your condolences. That little girl went down hill so fast. We knew she was terminal before her birthday, but she was doing great up until this past month. Now we don’t know if she’ll be here in the morning or not.
She tells us about ghosts that are visiting her. Ghosts of the family whom she was close to. “I seen Jess. She couldn’t pass over because of the bruises…” we never told her about her cousin’s bruises. There are many things we didn’t tell her that all of a sudden she knows about. I’m not extremely mad. When I worked at the pediatric oncology center, I watched parents being mad at the doctor, being mad at the staff, and it doesn’t do any good. Being mad at the doctor or the staff doesn’t give your baby anymore time. Killing the messenger doesn’t prevent the inevitable.
I need to go dig a splinter out of Dennis’ foot. This is going to go over well.

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9 Comments »

  • flit (1 comments) said:

    I am so sorry…I cannot imagine how hard that must be.

    - 19 May 2009 at 5:20 pm
  • Kelly (3 comments) said:

    I think that kind of behavior can be a sign of autism, but not necessarily so. I think there needs to be a lot of signs. My nephew and godson both line cars up and do things that have made me watch them more carefully over the last few years, but they are not autistic, it’s just a quirk. I think separating food by color and eating them that way, could just be a quirk too.
    As for you baby, yes, I will offer my condolences. That must be hell to watch, but you are obviously very strong to know the doctor’s aren’t to blame. I’m sorry you are going through that and sorry your little one is suffering.
    Kelly

    - 19 May 2009 at 5:33 pm
  • Daisy the Curly Cat (4 comments) said:

    Saying “I’m sorry” seems so inadequate, but I feel like saying nothing is worse. So just know that I am very sorry and I wish I was eloquent enough to say something that would help.

    - 20 May 2009 at 7:37 am
  • Joe-ann (1 comments) said:

    My son also lined up cars with the same sizes, I think it’s just normal. Your son might just be enjoying the idea of playing the cheerios before finally eating it.
    May you always find the strength to go on. I’m very sorry to hear what you’re going through. My prayers are with you.

    - 20 May 2009 at 2:35 pm
  • Kittencaboodle (1 comments) said:

    I’m so very sorry. I cannot imagine the depths of your pain and I wish there was some way to ease it.

    - 21 May 2009 at 11:09 am
  • Aftercancer (5 comments) said:

    Just wanted to let you know that while stacking like that can be a sign of autism the biggest indicator is how much does it interfere with their daily life. So, what happens if you knock over the cheerios, or mix the colors up. Does your kid have a giant melt down or does he just do it again.
    Hope that helps.

    - 24 May 2009 at 11:46 am
  • Basti (1 comments) said:

    (hugs)
    i know how it feels, a loved one was also a cancer victim… I admire how strong you are, and most of all I admire the strength of your little angel.
    God Bless.

    - 24 May 2009 at 12:17 pm
  • Mamaflo (5 comments) said:

    I wish there was a way to take away your child’s suffering and yours too. My husband has advanced cancer (he was dx almost 6 years ago) and there are times when I just want to run away…….I feel like I mark time by when his doctor’s appts or infusions are scheduled and that something is always making him feel horrible.

    - 25 May 2009 at 10:06 am
  • jesterqueen1 (4 comments) said:

    Oh your baby. Your baby. I had words when I read no words, and I have no words now. That's terrifying that her cousin died covered with bruises that she didn't know about that were so bad that they prevented his passing over so that he visited her as a ghost. Oh God.

    - 8 December 2011 at 9:40 am