No Words
I woke up an hour ago to the awkward silence all through the house. I’d fallen asleep in tears sometime around 3am, to the sound of Pogo’s raspy breathing, remembering her last day. She was teaching Chloe how to read, she wanted her to carry something with her always, something that she had given her. She had made out a last will and testament, though it’s not legal, I fully intend to do whatever it says. Like Jess, she refused pain medication at the last of it, as if she wanted to be alert, or possibly aware of what was happening. Maybe she knew that pain medication couldn’t stop the inevitable. I don’t know what her decision to be alert was, and I don’t know if I want to know. I woke up to silence and stillness, and I knew immediately that Pogo was gone. My father-in-law informed me that “they” had come and taken her at around 8am. He was going to go into more details, but I stopped him. I don’t need to know that just yet. Her room wasn’t covered in body fluids and her bed was only slightly messed up. I wasn’t awoken to her screams, so I assume she went peacefully and fairly painlessly, in her father’s arms.
Pogo will never have her own online journal or .com now (we were waiting for enom to let go of a name they were scalping that she wanted).
She will never see if Adam Lambert will be the next American Idol.
She will never go to middle school or no longer have to wear those bad private school jumpers.
She will never see me graduate with my PhD.
She will never get to see the two final Harry Potter movies.
She will never know if her little sister learned to read or not.
She will never get to see Rod Stewart at the BOK center.
I’ve spent the last few minutes trying to think of something positive that could come from this, but I can’t think of anything.
Very, very sad. I am so sorry.
Do you really want a positive out of this? You will never ever hurt this bad again (neither will she) – I have lost 2 children. There is nothing anyone can say. I cried when I read your entry – for your daughter and for you. Life sucks.
I couldn’t believe everything in the world went on like normal when this terrible thing had just happened. How could people be laughing, going to work? My thoughts will be with you.
I’m so sorry and I feel your pain, I was lucky that I at least had 38 years with my Son, he died in December 08 leaving a 5 month old baby which he didn’t really get to enjoy because of all the treatments that made him feel even worse. I’m so sorry her life was cut so short, it’s just not fair.
I am very, very sorry. I can’t imagine the pain you are going through.
There is much about our lives in this world that appears to be so grossly unfair from our own ground-based points-of-view, but please try to take comfort in the fact that her suffering is now over. In any event, I feel for you in your time of such a great loss.
may her spirit rise up and greet the goddess…
I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to say except that I am so so sorry.
Kelly
So sorry.
I am so very sorry for your loss.
There are no words…..
From you or me that can change anything.
Just know that I am thinking of you and Pogo, and I am sending you {{{hugs}}} wherever you are.
Kat
I am so very sorry for your loss. I am sorry that Pogo will not get to experience all those things, and that you will not get to experience them with her.
My thoughts are with you at this time.
Take care,
hugs
So very sorry for your loss.
I just found your blog and started reading. I realized that you are in Tulsa, like I am. I also realized that I needed to go way back into your blog to catch up on the story of your beloved Pogo. My heart goes out to you and your family. I’m so so sorry for your loss.
Sometimes the silence is the hardest sound to bear. Touching memoir of that day. Thank you for sharing. (I stopped by from SITS today).
Really touching.
That was a powerful post. I'm sorry for you loss.
Enjoy your SITS day.
Wow! I'm not sure how Pogo is related to you but sounds like you were close and she was very young to die. Very sad.
Oh my gosh, I am soooo truly sorry for the loss of your child….I can't even grasp what that must be like….
Oh I'm so sad. All the things she will never do are heart wrenching. I hope you were able to carry her across the stage in your heart. It doesn't bring her back. But with love like this, I don't think you'll ever lose her. What a brave girl to refuse the pain meds. I know I couldn't, if the position were mine.
I'm so sorry. It's hard to comment on posts like this because all words seem inadequate. Thank you for sharing this with us, I wish you and your family the best.
As you so perfectly titled there ~ there are No Words. Thank you for writing from your heart, your grief, your love.
You are so right Comatised..there are no words..I'm sorry.
Blessings to you.
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