I’m torn. There are times like today when I want to help, but helping seems like the worst possible thing to do. I sit back and wonder why people come to me for help, I lead them so blindly forward and they refuse the help I give them because it points to them being wrong? There’s no shame in being wrong. We’re all human. We’re all wrong from time to time.
If you ask for my advice, I’ll answer as best as I can. I hold three degrees, one of which is a medical professional degree. I don’t claim to ‘know everything’ but I do know that I know more than a non-compliant person. Doctors and nurses don’t tell people to eat better and watch their weight because they’re “assholes” or because they want to control that person. They do it because it’s a proven path to better health. The same with don’t ask me for advice, and when I answer truthfully and seriously, you tell me that I’m full of shit or I don’t know what I’m talking about, simply because my answer doesn’t match up with your “continue eating a box of salt a day–your doctor is evil and full of shit!” attitude. I didn’t pass three years of nursing school because I gave good head. I passed because I studied text books of over a century of medical testing and science that proves to work in most cases. Granted, most of those cases the patient gives 110% for over a year, not ‘try it for three hours, don’t see any results and gets discouraged and quits’.
It’s hard to care for someone who clearly doesn’t care about themselves. It’s hard to give advice that should be taken seriously to someone who clearly just wants someone to agree with them. I want to give up. I want these illusions to be shattered and I can see things for what they really are. I wish I had the courage and the strength to find the end of the tunnel, but there is no light. The tunnel has no end. I’m tired of walking through this dark, empty, cold tunnel. I want to live in the sunshine again. I want to be happy again. I remember a time when I was happy, but it was so long ago, it’s just a distant memory. At this point, I’m unsure of what will even make me happy anymore. The tunnel has jaded me. The darkness. The illusions. The coldness. It sucks the soul away and destroys smiles.
I’m alienating myself from people. I haven’t talk to Matt in weeks. When he calls, my phone mysteriously shuts off. Yes, that’s my doing, but I just don’t want to hear it right now.
I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. Is that so wrong?
For those of you Googling Costas Mandylor check out that link. Jealous much?
My mother decided to play hooky from work today. She tells me that she doesn’t feel well, she has a sore throat, she can’t function in the work place, but she’s spent the entire day on the phone, eating, and watching TV. I’m really baffled by this because when I was a little girl and too sick to go to school, I had to stay in bed all day. No TV. No video games. No leisure books. No phone. No toys. Homework/make up work was ok though.
Speaking of leisure books, I need to get on with my summer reading. Before JournalCon starts. I have the first Twilight book and the final Harry Potter book to begin on. I don’t know which one to start with. Suggestions? It’s hard to start books around here and find the time to read when you have three toddlers, one of which knows her birthday is coming up soon.
Oh, and find the lie while you’re at it! 
I cannot punish Chloe. I tried tonight, for tearing up some of Dennis’ papers. The papers were trash, but I don’t want her feeling that it’s ok to tear up paper lying on the floor. I didn’t hit her, but I said angrily to her that she was bad. She paced from one end of the bedroom to the other, starring down at the floor. I angrily told her to go to bed, then got out my night shirt and some clean undies to take a bath, and she laid down on the floor. While I was setting up the bathroom for my bath, Chloe came running into the bathroom, arms outstretched, begging me not to stop loving her. What…?
After that, I had to tell her that I loved her. I asked her if she was sorry and she wrapped her arms around my legs and hugged me tight. “Please don’t stop loving me! I-do anything for you to love me again!”
Talk about a guilt trip! Where did that baby learn this? Was she really worried that I didn’t love her any more? Are three-year olds really that developmentally advanced? I haven’t told Dennis what happened. I really don’t want to because he’ll accuse me of being to harsh in punishing her. On the other hand, if we talked about this, there’s the chance she’s done it with him and I’d probably feel a little better. Are three-year olds really that emotionally manipulated? She seems emotionally better now, so am I the one who is over-reacting?
Our ISP/Cable went out yesterday afternoon. I had to call them, and the man who came by asked if he could come in and check the jack. I said yes, and I guess the dog thought he was the pizza man and jumped around in the living room, knocking over a wooden chest of my toys. Rubber dongs and vibrating phalluses danced across the living room floor, in front of the cable man.
It didn’t help that I was in my night shirt and undies.
“Well, I can see you were busy…I don’t need to check the jack,” he said, and stepped back outside. I hope he didn’t think I had those in my hands (or anywhere else) when I answered the door.
Hot Town, Summer In The City
My neck feels better. Thank you for all the well wishes and prayers! I still have to stay in bed for today and then take it easy this weekend, but the pain is gone. *all smiles* It’s as if I never got hurt! I know that anything could easily set off the pain, so I’ve asked Dennis to put more water in the mattress and make the bed. I just want a slightly firmer sleep tonight. Monday I am going back to the doctor for a check up and some x-rays. I still get sore from time to time, so I have to be careful with that.
In the mean time, I’ve cleaned a little in the bedroom. I tried my mom’s Shark Sweeper. It’s amazing. I can’t stand sweeping with a dust pan because there’s always that line of dirt lingering. This is like having a vacuum cleaner for hard-wood floors. I just wish we still had the charger so I could charge it back up. It died last night while I was vacuuming the dog’s rug.
I’m also preparing for JournalCon 09 and Chloe’s birthday. My baby is turning four next month. I can barely believe it. I’ve asked her what she wanted for her birthday, but she won’t tell me. I think it’s time to go window shopping with her.
The heat isn’t as bad today as it was yesterday. I’ve kept the blinds closed and the lights off. Nice, cool dark house. We’re still getting triple digit temperatures. It’s supposed to rain later on this weekend, and maybe that will cool it off here.
I was outbid on that desk I wanted. But I have emailed someone else who has one like it, I just hope they can ship it. I did some measures and it’s the same size as my desk, but it’s a lot prettier.
It’s been an incredibly hot summer here these past few days. A couple of nights ago, I noticed the cicadas singing in the warm night. I long to go outside and sit under the stars, watching them twinkle and sparkle, but I can’t just yet. First there’s my injury. I have to heal. Then there’s the fact that there’s no place for me to sit outside. The temperatures have been in the triple digits all week long. Nuclear summer? There’s not much to do since the temperatures are so high and the air conditioner is frozen up. Yes, it’s 103°F outside and the air conditioners are covered in heavy sheets of ice.
30 And Then Some wants to me participate in a picture meme… I’m not sure what folder I’m supposed to look in since I don’t have any online and I purge my computers every month. I have no idea where to even start. The 1800+ pictures in my Flickr?
Speaking of images, I’ve decided to change the header on my blog. The pink is just so out of place. Other than that, I think I’ll stick to the basic design. Hey, making graphics is a good way to stay inside out of the summer heat! It’s times like this that I wish I were healthier and could go to water parks or something. *sigh* Next year?
Ow.
Monday evening, I was sitting at a red light, minding my own business, when a pickup truck, turning, over-corrected the turn and smashed into the passenger side of my husband’s car. I was driving the car back from getting gas. My head smacked into the driver’s side window, and I spent yesterday in a great deal of pain. I couldn’t move my head to the left at all. I could barely get the dishes done and take a bath and get to bed. I took one of my pain pills and passed out around 10pm. I’m still drowsy, and my head still somewhat hurts, but it’s not as bad as it was yesterday.
I called the police on this because the driver of the truck just backed up and took off! He didn’t even stop to see if I was hurt or dead or alive. Nice man! Just when I think there’s hope for humanity, something like this happens.
Right now, I’m starving. So I’m going to get some breakfast and relax for the rest of the morning. Maybe check the mail this afternoon.
Memorial Page
Hey all. Ceej’s sleeping, but I can still update!!
Go visit Pogo’s Memorial page! Sign the guest book! Ceej says because of people faking their lives online, others don’t believe those who are really telling the truth about their lives. Give her some love! She needs it!
Jamie aka: The being known as Wonder Girl, 30, mother of four, wife to one, she is a senior biomedicine student who is learning to fit in in the world around her. After nearly three decades on this planet, she still doesn't know where she belongs. Best friend of Matt, sarcastic, spoiled, apathetic, kutie brat, babe. Just your average woman, living in a not-so-average world, surviving by her incredible super power of being able to see right through you while
accomplishing more tasks than you ever thought imaginable. She is the being known as Wonder Girl and she is speaking, I believe. More? Aren't you brave!
