Archive for June, 2009
I’m torn. There are times like today when I want to help, but helping seems like the worst possible thing to do. I sit back and wonder why people come to me for help, I lead them so blindly forward and they refuse the help I give them because it points to them being wrong? There’s no shame in being wrong. We’re all human. We’re all wrong from time to time.
If you ask for my advice, I’ll answer as best as I can. I hold three degrees, one of which is a medical professional degree. I don’t claim to ‘know everything’ but I do know that I know more than a non-compliant person. Doctors and nurses don’t tell people to eat better and watch their weight because they’re “assholes” or because they want to control that person. They do it because it’s a proven path to better health. The same with don’t ask me for advice, and when I answer truthfully and seriously, you tell me that I’m full of shit or I don’t know what I’m talking about, simply because my answer doesn’t match up with your “continue eating a box of salt a day–your doctor is evil and full of shit!” attitude. I didn’t pass three years of nursing school because I gave good head. I passed because I studied text books of over a century of medical testing and science that proves to work in most cases. Granted, most of those cases the patient gives 110% for over a year, not ‘try it for three hours, don’t see any results and gets discouraged and quits’.
It’s hard to care for someone who clearly doesn’t care about themselves. It’s hard to give advice that should be taken seriously to someone who clearly just wants someone to agree with them. I want to give up. I want these illusions to be shattered and I can see things for what they really are. I wish I had the courage and the strength to find the end of the tunnel, but there is no light. The tunnel has no end. I’m tired of walking through this dark, empty, cold tunnel. I want to live in the sunshine again. I want to be happy again. I remember a time when I was happy, but it was so long ago, it’s just a distant memory. At this point, I’m unsure of what will even make me happy anymore. The tunnel has jaded me. The darkness. The illusions. The coldness. It sucks the soul away and destroys smiles.
I’m alienating myself from people. I haven’t talk to Matt in weeks. When he calls, my phone mysteriously shuts off. Yes, that’s my doing, but I just don’t want to hear it right now.
I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. Is that so wrong?
For those of you Googling Costas Mandylor check out that link. Jealous much?
As much as I appreciate Entrecard.com, they have yet again asked for user input. I’m afraid to comment on the entry due to the fact that the last time I did, my account was wiped clean and I lost about 600 entre-credits. Luckily, I was able to re-submit my two sites and I was allowed back on their clique of a service, yet I never did recover those credits. Now, the squeaking wheel didn’t get oiled. She got deleted, punished, and all sorts of malicious, immature tactics. So I emailed and asked why my blogs were deleted. The answer? “These blogs weren’t updated enough/kept up to date.” Wow. I can point out blogs on their servers that haven’t been updated since 2008. Blogs that pop up when you surf the rings.
But that’s the least of the complaints.
Little Keira’s Bows’ Craft Blog has no widget, but pops up in the ring on a nightly basis.
Buckserv.com was purchased by a scalper on April 10th, but still shows up in the ring.
Cafeteen.biz no longer resolves to any host.
For a couple of days, several of the bloggers who use payperpost.com had pop ups demanding passwords and there is a blog that has a private Twitter demanding a password. Not to mention, one of the blogs in the ring says the user is invalid.
Yet because I made a nice suggestion to their ring, my sites were deleted, my credits lost, and my advertisements were gone as well. Swell group.
If you can’t take constructive criticism, don’t ask for it. If you want user feed back, but you only want bright, shiny, happy, positive pats on the back, say so in your post. It’s really that simple.
On Friday I got involved in a flame war over Michael Jackson’s death.
It was small, to me anyway. On a popular celebrity gossip blog, there were many condolences to his death. I really don’t feel anything over this. Yes, I have some sympathy for his family, but I didn’t know Michael as a person. I wasn’t one of his fans. I liked some of his older music, but I didn’t really listen to it anymore. The last thing I bought of his was nearly 15 years ago: HIStory. I have nothing of his on my iTunes. It annoyed me that so many people were commenting how he was their favourite musician and their lives were pulled to a screeching halt when it was announced that he had died. When Left Eye died in 2002, I seen an equal posting on blogs about how their favourite singer had died. Ok. That would be fine. Except these people never blogged about these singers! I posted a comment reflecting that on the gossip blog:
“I’m glad so many people are touched by the death of Michael Jackson. He was a child predator and still managed to wound the internet the day he died. I suspect it was more than that, but the idea that news stations reported that it was ‘rumored’ that Jackson had died and people ran to the internet for research purposes. I’ve read the profiles of some of you posting here, particularly the ones who claim he was your all-time favourite artist. These blogs have archives. Numerous blogs go back to 2003. In the past six years, all of you have only blogged about Michael Jackson, your ‘all time favourite artist’ once: Today. *snerk*”
Ok. It was mean-spirited, but I didn’t know these people, and I was sick of seeing all these blogs with the same content: Jacko dead. We get it. It only needs to be blogged about once. One of the people in that thread took the liberty of going to my site and digging around in my content. She found a picture of me and decided I was “fat” and being “fat” my comments and thoughts have no business online. It goes a little further than that. She didn’t reply back at the thread, but in my blog, on nearly every single one of my entries for the month of June, and on a few of my May entries. None of these 70+ comments were published, though I was very proud of her to comment 73 times on my blog, which was nearly twice as many comments that were there before she showed up, she made it a point to dissect and examine everything I wrote.
Of course, because I dared challenge her point of view, she set out “looking for a fraud” on my site, and because she did all of the research herself, based on her disposition of me, and she never left her computer to conduct this research, she found her fraud. No solid proof. No phone calls to my school. She didn’t even Google Chris’ name or my professor’s name. She blatently commented that it was all lies and how she came to this conclusion: she says so. Googling Chris’ name brings up his obituary. In that obituary is my name because I submitted it. It doesn’t bother me that my life was a lie to some stranger on an internet forum which serves as a magnet for brain dead sheepies. It bothered me, however, that in amongst her comments of dissecting my life in her prejudiced way, she took glee in my daughter’s death. She said she deserved to die. She said it was “karma” for me being apathetic towards Jacko’s death.
Last time I checked, Pogo died nearly a month before Jacko, so if anything, it wasn’t ‘karma’ for being apathetic towards the death of someone I never personally knew. Reeling, I checked with the email address she provided in all of her comments. It matched one in the thread on the gossip blog, in a profile that listed a birth year of 1972. I was being trolled by a thirty-seven year old. So I emailed her. Asked if she was leaving me the comments or was someone else doing it. In email, she denied it–it had to be someone else who hated her. Why, she’d never been to my site before, never heard of me before this, rarely visited the gossip blog, didn’t care for Jacko, and felt that I was only emailing her so I’d get more hits to my “shite” site. Alright. Fair enough. I checked the header of the email, and low and behold, the IP that sent me the email was the same IP that had left all those comments. I replied to her with my findings and guess what? She sent me an reply calling me a “stalker”, had banned my email address from sending her anymore email, reported me to my host, reported me to my ISP, called the cops, called the FBI, made a “PSA” announcement on her blog warning the internet population about me, and basically went nuts. I had a good chuckle, blocked her IP and went on. I find it amusing that since then, my blog has been hit by several proxies. I assume they’re proxies; either that or I’ve suddenly gotten a massive over-seas fan-base. Of course I doubt that. The countries that are visiting from these IPs visit every twenty minutes or so, and they’re from countries that don’t generally speak American English. I guess said person wants attention and goes to great lengths to get it.
Why do the crazies come to me? Am I a crazies magnet?
I could spend hours scanning receipts, medical receipts, medicine bottles, digging through my archive of CDs from when I took my digital camera to the hospital, post pictures of my daughter’s tombstone, scan the funeral leaflet, scan the funeral guestbook, have her pediatrician post a page about how she really existed with links to my sites on it, make my Flickr public (showing all the pictures of us dated from 2004 through last month via the camera’s date setting and the comments there), the thing is, I shouldn’t have to, but because people like Beccah Beushausen will spend years defrauding and misrepresenting themselves, I feel like I have to prove my own continuity and my own life and my own truth, just so I can vent or voice my opinion on forums.
My greatest sorrow in all of this is for so many good, kind people whose belief was broken, whose hearts were broken, and whose trust was shaken. Though it was a fiction, it was a beautiful fiction, and there’s no shame in believing the best of people. I still have hope and faith, and it helps me to think that there are people out there who will always strive to find the truth, or ask me to question what I believe.
I’ve been through this before. This too, will pass.
My mother decided to play hooky from work today. She tells me that she doesn’t feel well, she has a sore throat, she can’t function in the work place, but she’s spent the entire day on the phone, eating, and watching TV. I’m really baffled by this because when I was a little girl and too sick to go to school, I had to stay in bed all day. No TV. No video games. No leisure books. No phone. No toys. Homework/make up work was ok though.
Speaking of leisure books, I need to get on with my summer reading. Before JournalCon starts. I have the first Twilight book and the final Harry Potter book to begin on. I don’t know which one to start with. Suggestions? It’s hard to start books around here and find the time to read when you have three toddlers, one of which knows her birthday is coming up soon.
Oh, and find the lie while you’re at it!
I cannot punish Chloe. I tried tonight, for tearing up some of Dennis’ papers. The papers were trash, but I don’t want her feeling that it’s ok to tear up paper lying on the floor. I didn’t hit her, but I said angrily to her that she was bad. She paced from one end of the bedroom to the other, starring down at the floor. I angrily told her to go to bed, then got out my night shirt and some clean undies to take a bath, and she laid down on the floor. While I was setting up the bathroom for my bath, Chloe came running into the bathroom, arms outstretched, begging me not to stop loving her. What…?
After that, I had to tell her that I loved her. I asked her if she was sorry and she wrapped her arms around my legs and hugged me tight. “Please don’t stop loving me! I-do anything for you to love me again!”
Talk about a guilt trip! Where did that baby learn this? Was she really worried that I didn’t love her any more? Are three-year olds really that developmentally advanced? I haven’t told Dennis what happened. I really don’t want to because he’ll accuse me of being to harsh in punishing her. On the other hand, if we talked about this, there’s the chance she’s done it with him and I’d probably feel a little better. Are three-year olds really that emotionally manipulated? She seems emotionally better now, so am I the one who is over-reacting?
I had to re-download WordPress again because for some reason, my installation is lagging again. I don’t know what’s up with this buggy software, but it makes me want to convert over to MovableType for this blog as well. I think I might have to. It might be worth it if I have to re-install my blog program every ten days. I don’t know how I’ll get all of my entries over there, but I may have to just so I can blog again. This site may be neglected and abused but I still like to update it every once in a while. *grins*
So I’m off to find a suitable program. Or maybe this will fix itself. I just know I’m sick of doing tech support on this site. A site should be bug free.
Our ISP/Cable went out yesterday afternoon. I had to call them, and the man who came by asked if he could come in and check the jack. I said yes, and I guess the dog thought he was the pizza man and jumped around in the living room, knocking over a wooden chest of my toys. Rubber dongs and vibrating phalluses danced across the living room floor, in front of the cable man.
It didn’t help that I was in my night shirt and undies.
“Well, I can see you were busy…I don’t need to check the jack,” he said, and stepped back outside. I hope he didn’t think I had those in my hands (or anywhere else) when I answered the door.