I’m torn. There are times like today when I want to help, but helping seems like the worst possible thing to do. I sit back and wonder why people come to me for help, I lead them so blindly forward and they refuse the help I give them because it points to them being wrong? There’s no shame in being wrong. We’re all human. We’re all wrong from time to time.
If you ask for my advice, I’ll answer as best as I can. I hold three degrees, one of which is a medical professional degree. I don’t claim to ‘know everything’ but I do know that I know more than a non-compliant person. Doctors and nurses don’t tell people to eat better and watch their weight because they’re “assholes” or because they want to control that person. They do it because it’s a proven path to better health. The same with don’t ask me for advice, and when I answer truthfully and seriously, you tell me that I’m full of shit or I don’t know what I’m talking about, simply because my answer doesn’t match up with your “continue eating a box of salt a day–your doctor is evil and full of shit!” attitude. I didn’t pass three years of nursing school because I gave good head. I passed because I studied text books of over a century of medical testing and science that proves to work in most cases. Granted, most of those cases the patient gives 110% for over a year, not ‘try it for three hours, don’t see any results and gets discouraged and quits’.
It’s hard to care for someone who clearly doesn’t care about themselves. It’s hard to give advice that should be taken seriously to someone who clearly just wants someone to agree with them. I want to give up. I want these illusions to be shattered and I can see things for what they really are. I wish I had the courage and the strength to find the end of the tunnel, but there is no light. The tunnel has no end. I’m tired of walking through this dark, empty, cold tunnel. I want to live in the sunshine again. I want to be happy again. I remember a time when I was happy, but it was so long ago, it’s just a distant memory. At this point, I’m unsure of what will even make me happy anymore. The tunnel has jaded me. The darkness. The illusions. The coldness. It sucks the soul away and destroys smiles.
I’m alienating myself from people. I haven’t talk to Matt in weeks. When he calls, my phone mysteriously shuts off. Yes, that’s my doing, but I just don’t want to hear it right now.
I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. Is that so wrong?
For those of you Googling Costas Mandylor check out that link. Jealous much?