WHAT have I done???
Last night…. well this morning since I didn’t get to sleep until 5am (thank you very much MT upgrade) …. I had a dream that I married Billy and we were so happy together. It was really weird. He didn’t beat me, he didn’t force me to have sex with him. He was happy. I was happy. Life was good.
I woke up to my mom screaming at Chloe, and right after I got dressed I went over to Billy’s and told him about the dream. What did he do? He didn’t laugh it off or even smile. He said it was a “prophetic dream” and he’d been having prophetic visions of us being married since 1990–when I was nine/ten years old. Then he called his psycho girlfriend and told her it was off between them because he’d found someone new all the while, like a dumb ass, I’m telling him in the background to not call her so she knows it’s me ‘he’s with now’ because it was prophetic and written in the stars that he and I be together.
I blame this on getting high and wired last night before even attempting to upgrade MT, and then falling asleep jittery.
I just know that his psycho girlfriend will come after me again. We’ll start seeing these “hurry up and die!” communities and blogs pop up written by an “anonymous” person who happens to live in the same state and small town as her and just happens to have digital pictures of prints of me that I sent her over the years.
Randomness: I heard Helter Skelter for the first time today, and I didn’t turn into a demon or instantly hear voices telling me to kill. I’m kind of disappointed in that.
It’s 4am and here I sit analyzing things on the internet. Boring things, mind you. My pain isn’t back, but I’m awake and wondering what the hell is going on.
My husband knows I’ve been involved in drama, but he doesn’t know what. I promised him when I got my new domain, I wouldn’t get involved in drama anymore. I’m trying to make good on these promises. Being a forgiving person isn’t the only thing I’m working on! I’m afraid to talk to others about what’s on my mind because I know deep down that Dennis can Google my name and his name and find this drama and take away my sites or my internet. It’s something that I live with wondering.
I need to get to bed. I’m wasted. It’s 4am. I’m going to attempt to upgrade to MovableType 3.0. In the middle of the night. While wasted. This should prove to be fun.
The pain is nearly a memory today. I’m not sure if it’s because I put medicine on last night or because I took that hot bath. Either way, I’m happier without it. It has no place in my life right now. 
I seen something amusing on MSN today. Some neat-freak defines “clutter” as a drawer of unorganised things. Um…Do these reporters live in the real world? Stuff that can’t be seen isn’t clutter. Clutter is stuff messily thrown on shelves and littering the floor. If it’s in a drawer that can close it’s not clutter. Outta sight, outta mind.
Oh, this was sitting on my curtain, sharpening its fangs at me for the past ten minutes:
It’s now squished on the floor. Sorry. I can’t help spiders that strike at me when I go to shoo them out the window.
Chloe’s first ever picture:
Taken by her daddy’s guitarist because her daddy was passed out on the floor. xD
Pain Returns
I’m updating this from my phone, so it may be short and sweet and the punctuation might not be the best.
The pain came back later on today, with a vengeance. It made me cry, it made me double over. Mostly, it brought fear to me. I’m all alone here with four little kids and I’m in excruciating pain. Crippling pain. I cannot properly care for them. I can barely feed them and change their clothes. I sent Dennis a text, but that was at 5pm. He hasn’t answered me yet. I want to go to the hospital and get something done for this pain, but I can’t just leave these little kids with no one.
I’ve called everyone, from my friends to my parents, to my brothers, and everyone is “too busy” to help me out in this situation.
I’ll survive. I promise.
The Pain Worsens
The pain got bad last night. Bad enough that it kept me awake from about midnight until dawn. I writhed in pain for hours. I was at that point where I was willing to do anything to get rid of it. I even slept cross-ways in the bed. I tried to sit up. I adjusted the temperature on the bed. Nothing relieved it. I finally fell asleep around 7am and woke up relatively pain-free. The pain is still there. I can still feel it. It’s just not as bad. At least this time around I didn’t scream and throw remote controls down behind the bed. *g*
I called my doctor today about the pain and he said there’s probably nothing he can do about it. Oh joy. I get to suffer for about ten more days while I wait for surgery and he won’t do anything for me? It’s not like I can’t have narcotics or morphine for the pain. Just a year ago, he was giving me weekly morphine injections to stop the pain I was having. Now I get this line that he ‘doesn’t know if he can do anything’ about the pain?! Yeah, right!
In other news, my older brother, Scott, is coming home for a few days next week. This should be good. He and I don’t generally get along, but we put on good acts for mom. His dad, Paul, is turning 75 next week, and he’s throwing him a small birthday party. I’ll probably post pictures. That’s what you want to see here, right? The Carrot Tops eating cake, getting fatter and wearing silly hats.
I love how petty people can be on the internet.
Maybe ‘petty’ isn’t the word for it. Maybe ‘down and out stupid’ is a better way to describe what’s been going on these past 24 hours.
You see, I’m piecing together a puzzle that is nine years in the making, and I think I have found the remaining pieces and a chance to put it all in the past. When I voiced my opinions on forums, mainly one echoing another poster, I was attacked by the missing link. Not just on the forum, but here I have several comments that I won’t be approving because of their idiotic nature. It seems people on the internet come to this site, dig around through my archives hoping I’m one of the more stupid people who posts her skeletons and major faults on a public website, and when they can’t find something to complain about me in, they always try and throw the same, tired thing up in my face: My daughter is dead.
They act like it’s something that I don’t know, then they act like it’s something I did on purpose. Pogo didn’t die in a hospital, so the police were involved. They are in every death that doesn’t happen in a hospital or clinical setting, even though I am a nurse.
They act like I murdered the girl and then forgot all about it, thus leaving snark-tastic comments about how my daughter is dead, I’m a terrible mother, and so on, and said comments are supposed to make me cry or something.
It helps if you actually know someone before attempting to insult them or hurt them emotionally. All these comments do is waste a second of my life to delete them and move on. I really don’t care who says what. Apparently I hit raw nerves when I state medically researched information to strangers begging for help from other strangers in cyber space, and it’s information they really don’t want to hear, so they come to my site and attempt to hurt me back, even though I was quoting facts and never meant to hurt them at all.
I think I’ll make a list of things that could potentially hurt me, should anyone shallow and stupid enough want to attempt actually hurt me on the internet again. Here’s a list of things to work with, though I’ve heard all of these to my face so it’s not like they’re original or even going to make me flinch:
1. I’m fat.
2. I don’t think I’m that attractive.
3. I screw up all the time.
4. It takes me a really long time to learn the simplest things.
5. I was only an honor student for 9 years.
6. My layout here sucks.
7. I can’t design in HTML or Photoshop.
8. I’m 29 and still get pimples.
9. One of my best friends is gay.
Now, if you’re a normal person, none of that would matter about another fellow human being. But the people who come here and attack me aren’t normal. They seem to have the idea that throwing the fact that my daughter died in my face is somehow a fair fight for me telling them it’s a bad idea to smoke 3 packs of cigarettes an hour or drive drunk and stoned. So that list up there is a perfect list for them.
Ok, I’m going to go buy fonts to try and clear my head.
If anyone thinks I’m in a bad mood, you thought right! I just went through FOUR HOURS of pain for the sake of art. I can’t put pictures up right now because I have no one to take the pictures. But believe me when I say it’s worth it!
yum
ice cream +narcotics + wine = me
Chloe had a wonderful birthday. We spent most of the day watching videos of her daddy. She wants him to come home. As badly as I want to call him to find out when he’s coming home for sure, I don’t dare to. Some people are better left alone. Or at least until things cool off. I want him to make the first move.
Tomorrow it will be one week since Dennis went on his reality show. I guess he’s doing some good because they haven’t sent him home yet. I figured he would be the boobie in all of that. =)
I kind of almost wish it were August 10th. But not really. It’s not a good idea to wish time away.
Jamie aka: The being known as Wonder Girl, 30, mother of four, wife to one, she is a senior biomedicine student who is learning to fit in in the world around her. After nearly three decades on this planet, she still doesn't know where she belongs. Best friend of Matt, sarcastic, spoiled, apathetic, kutie brat, babe. Just your average woman, living in a not-so-average world, surviving by her incredible super power of being able to see right through you while
accomplishing more tasks than you ever thought imaginable. She is the being known as Wonder Girl and she is speaking, I believe. More? Aren't you brave!
