Even Angels Fall

They did it again. Once again. That thing that I was promised would never happen again? It happened just a few minutes ago. Here I sit, with that coldness running through my arms, shaking, on the verge of tears.
please don’t leave me … please don’t hurt me this way …
I know it’s necessary. I know it’s not permanent. But I still don’t like it. I was doing pretty good, too. I was off the blue pills. I was taking a bath every night, eating less, losing weight, I had a memory, I didn’t shake, I was better. Then they go and gang up on me again, with the icing on the cake being that I’m going to be alone for a few days next month. I feel sick.
I called the doctor. “Take one blue pill. Induce sleep, and in the morning this will be all better.” I took several. I want that induction now. More than that, I want this to end. The depression, the misery, the sadness. I want us to be a family again. A real family. Ever since I got married, it’s been this way, as if we’ve stopped trying to better each other. As if our friends or education or bands are better than our hearts. It’s not right.
I tried reaching out to several people tonight before taking the blue pills. I was pushed away, roughly, by those who actually chose to respond. The others? “Oh, that’s just Krazy Jamie again–ignore her.” Good idea. It’s easier to ignore someone asking for help than being there for them. It’s easier to watch someone get triggered and walk away from them once the physical aspects of it are over. I wish I took the easy way out with people. I wouldn’t be in the position I’m in now.

Comments RSS Both comments and pings are currently closed.