The Darkness That Surrounds Me

It’s my fault. I take 100% of the blame. I was up late, making stupid icons and EntreCard ads, and now I am dealing with the punishment of my actions. The simple solution: I should have been in bed hours ago, therefore I wouldn’t have been awake to answer the phone. I would have been sleeping, dreaming of John and of a better life that I will never have.
When it happened, when the conversation took place, I had an urge. The urge to reach back into my drawer and take out all those pills once again, swallowing them, bottle by bottle, until I closed my eyes forever. Until there was no more worry, until the pain was gone. Until all the problems were gone.
What would that accomplish? A senior citizen stuck caring for several young children for days? A toddler who would be motherless just days before her fourth birthday.
Yes, I’m nuts. Yes, it’s my fault. I take full responsibility for what I do to myself. There has to be an easier way, but I just can’t seem to find it. I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. Just more darkness that surrounds me.

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