It shouldn’t matter to me what others think, but it does. I play dumb. I give people a lee-way out of things, the lies I catch them in, and it never gets any easier. I shouldn’t play dumb. I should nail them to the cross like the liars they are, and not look back.
My friend James tells me this is not in my nature, and when I changed to the forgiveness doer last November, I changed for the better and forever. I have to forgive people for their shortness towards me. He says he likes me better as the forgiveness giving person that I became instead of the vindictive, hateful, snarky bitch I used to be. Life is better as a forgiving person, but many times that vindictive, hateful bitch rears her ugly head and wants vengeance on the world. Especially when people are smug about screwing me over. I want to say the joke is on them–I forgive them for me not them. I forgive them so I can heal, not them. I’m not condoning what they did, I just want to move on. It’s hard when someone is smug about “getting away with” hurting me. It makes it seem like I’m an open door mat, waiting for the next person to come along and screw me over.
Oh, and I’m also partially mad because I went clothes shopping today and I tried on the biggest size shirt that I liked and it was snug at best. All of that sleeping and chugging Mountain Dew these past few months has done terrible things to my weight. I need to get on a diet. I bought the shirt anyway. So what if my boobs can’t fit into it properly? If I diet and lose the weight, I’ll be able to fit into it. =)