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in the end

I’ve known this for about an hour, but my request to keep my RN was denied at yesterday’s meeting.
I am no longer a nurse.
This directly affects my degree, as I need an RN to finish the PhD that I was working on. Aside the fact that being a nurse was my livelihood. It’s all I’ve pretty much known this entire decade.
I don’t know where I’m going to go now since the email I got on this was pretty vague. Maybe I just need another semester of good grades to get in. Maybe there was a misunderstanding. I hate not knowing. That is worse than knowing and being able to work out a plan because you can’t work out a plan for an invisible problem.
people around me are generally positive about this. “You’ll bounce back” “You’re a survivor” “You are strong”. Bullshit. I’m not one of these good people that bad things tend to happen to. I’m not a good person at all. I dislike many people. I have bad thoughts about many people. I wish I had the abilities to send them to cornfields like the kid in The Twilight Zone. I break the law. I don’t pay my bills on time. I feel like my family would be better off without me, not in a suicidal way, but if I just wasn’t a part of their lives anymore.
If I left home so they could have a better life without me dragging them down.
Maybe. Someday.
Of course there’s always the chance that I am jumping the gun here. There’s probably a door open for me somewhere. I just haven’t found it yet.

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3 Comments »

  • RE (2 comments) said:

    Jamie – did you renew your license since you are in school and not working ? how can they take your license if you are not in violation ?
    I had my lpn at 18 and decided not to continue in nursing so I never renewed or retested. that’s in michigan. I’m not sure where you are, but I’m sure if you appeal to the board of licensing in your registry you should be reinstated. you may have to take the cec’s to keep the license, but you should be able to keep your license.
    I got my Ph.d years ago – 97′; an it’s not in a medical discipline – but religions. I took ethics a my cec while I was in school. but ultimtely have no plans to renew my license as I have no interest in nursing.
    hope you get it sorted out dear.
    holla back and let me know wht happens.
    hope you are feeling better today, as I saw you were pissed at the blackmailer. forget them.

    - 19 August 2009 at 1:36 pm
  • Hitesh (18 comments) said:

    This can be a big decision………and the more you think about it……the problem will seem bigger……….don’t have much of experience on this issues……cause haven’t faced much on my own…..but my wishes with you…….you do well…
    woo hoo……..\,,,/

    - 20 August 2009 at 12:39 am
  • Chris Mollo (1 comments) said:

    I know how you feel, Jamie. I’m not going to tell you to tough it out and that it will get better because I’m a realist. Just because you don’t pay your bills on time doesn’t come close to making you a bad person, by the way. And bad thoughts about others are totally natural, too. It’s not bad, simply human. I am an unemployed Food & Beverage Director. I moved to Arizona about 2 years ago for a fresh start. I am Ieaqi Freedom Vet and I had a lot of issues after my tour. Couldn’t hold a job, drinking, drugs, debt, car accident, depression etc. I had a great job at a resort as a manager that I loved and then I was laid off in early May. It came totally as a surprise. They were very apologetic but that doesn’t help pay the bills. To make a long story short, I’m right back where I started from 2 years ago. I did the right thing, it didn’t matter. Just some food for thought, didn’t mean to ramble on. Nice blog.

    - 20 August 2009 at 11:28 pm