I’ve known this for about an hour, but my request to keep my RN was denied at yesterday’s meeting.
I am no longer a nurse.
This directly affects my degree, as I need an RN to finish the PhD that I was working on. Aside the fact that being a nurse was my livelihood. It’s all I’ve pretty much known this entire decade.
I don’t know where I’m going to go now since the email I got on this was pretty vague. Maybe I just need another semester of good grades to get in. Maybe there was a misunderstanding. I hate not knowing. That is worse than knowing and being able to work out a plan because you can’t work out a plan for an invisible problem.
people around me are generally positive about this. “You’ll bounce back” “You’re a survivor” “You are strong”. Bullshit. I’m not one of these good people that bad things tend to happen to. I’m not a good person at all. I dislike many people. I have bad thoughts about many people. I wish I had the abilities to send them to cornfields like the kid in The Twilight Zone. I break the law. I don’t pay my bills on time. I feel like my family would be better off without me, not in a suicidal way, but if I just wasn’t a part of their lives anymore.
If I left home so they could have a better life without me dragging them down.
Maybe. Someday.
Of course there’s always the chance that I am jumping the gun here. There’s probably a door open for me somewhere. I just haven’t found it yet.