Last New Year’s Eve I watched the celebration across the world.
From my bleak and lonely hospital room, my window held a distant view of bursting colors in the sky. I vowed then I’d be anywhere but where I was for the actual beginning of the New Year. I guess I can at least say, “I’m not where I was.” Geographically speaking, of course.
I teased my friend James that for 2010 I’d meet him in New York City for some serious celebrating. I hope his wife and him get the chance to go. Unless I can manage the great escape I’m pretty much stuck.
I spent almost 4 weeks in the hospital at the beginning of the year. That’s the longest I’d ever been and I almost went crazy. I came out knowing how wonderful freedom was. The smell of smoggy air never seemed so magical before.
I spent a week savoring the knowledge of remission. I searched my soul on the beaches of Corpus Christi and realised it would be so easy to start a journey and walk away from everything I knew. I wanted to. Something inside me changed. I’d sit watching the sunsets I’d missed and I’d cry at the beauty. I cursed the Cancer that wanted to make me run away from everything I knew and loved. I felt a new power radiate within me. A determination to make myself stronger. I felt I had many more things to do. And there was a fear that drove me. It was the fear of knowing Tomorrow is never a promise.
I returned home vowing to pour all my energy into my writing. I’d made a promise to myself and I intended to keep it. My battle was over, I had fought the great fight to the end. This final season would close the chapter of school. I’d be my best or I’d go down trying.
It was my best. And it was worth every bruise, elbowing, and burn I received. I let loose the warrior in me and had fun. It wasn’t about winning, it was about finishing. It was about walking across the stage with my head up and my smile telling the story of how awesome life felt.
There are a lot of lessons in life and I think I suffered most of them throughout the year. Love can stink but it’s also an awesome thing. Prejudice lives and if I could smother or strangle it I would. It affects everyone but unless we stand up to it it’s not going to back down without a fight. Heartache is around every corner, there’s no way to prepare for it. We have to ride it out and hope for the best. Shedding tears doesn’t make us weak, it gives us strength to go on. To every beginning… there’s an end and a new beginning. Everything has a price, nothing we receive comes freely. Know what you’re willing to sacrifice to get it. Life is truly awesome.
I guess I packed a lot of mischief, mayhem, and laughter in all those months. I feel like I accomplished many things. I suppose what I wanted most was quality. I don’t think I’d want to change anything, because even through the heartaches the quality of what I experienced was primo. So in that respect I don’t have regrets.
Did I have happiness? Yes. Did I lose my smile and the laughter? Sometimes but I always found it again. Were the tears worth it? For every tear I was given the brilliance of the sunlight, so yes, they were. Did I find the rainbow? In every friend, most definitely.
That’s a lot of rainbows. It’s been an awesome year.