Archive for March, 2010
Simple Pleasures
Tonight I tried I Love Juicy shampoo and American Cream conditioner on both myself and my husband. We took turns washing each others hair and then conditioning each others hair in the bath tonight. I love both of them! I’m going to buy some more when I get the money. The spices in them are a little overwhelming at first, but they rinsed out pretty well and I can still smell a hint of the spices. I think Dennis used too much shampoo in my hair because it took forever for him to rinse it out, when it only took me a few minutes to rinse his out. He has less hair than I do, but I still think he used a little too much. I wonder what our hair is going to look like in the morning? Super shiny or dull?
Overall, the entire bath experience was quite enjoyable. I got to relax and not think about the birthday party in May, and I haven’t touched my narcotics in over 24 hours. That’s not to say that I won’t break down and take more of them between now and then, I just haven’t been tempted. I did indulge in the hypnotics last night because I couldn’t sleep. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to fall asleep before 5am and that really makes me dangerous in the pharm lab. Speaking of Pharm, we’re having our lab final on Friday, and then Professor Buchanan is going to release us to clinicals (internships) in real pharmacies, chemical companies, hospitals, and other places that we’re needed. We’re going to be on our own until the lecture final and then graduation. Then it’s back to the real world. I’m kind of excited and kind of scared at the same time. I don’t have much confidence when I’m working with chemicals, even though I triple check my weights and measurements before I mix anything, and I read over the instructions several times before I even begin lab. It’s just nerve wracking, working with potentially dangerous chemicals all the time.
Tomorrow I’m taking Chloe for her “entrance exams and immunizations” to get into school in the fall. The school has a list about three feet long of things that we have to do, that Chloe has to go through, before she is going to be allowed in. It’s a private school, so their standards are higher than most public schools, but on the list of things she must have accomplished before being accepted is she has to be able to read at a “standard first grade level”. She can read, but to be safe, I ordered some of the text books and workbooks that I used when I was six. I found several of them via Amazon.com, and I’m going to start working with her all of next month. We’ll have a one-to-two hour reading session per day.
Oh, and before I forget….My mother has a FACEBOOK ACCOUNT NOW! OH LORD HELP YOU ALL! YOU HAVE OFFICIALLY BEEN WARNED!. I haven’t added her back yet, but it’s the principle, right?
I was talking to a friend today who reminded me that my husband is throwing his ex a birthday party for him in May. She complimented me on how calm I was about the whole thing. How I had nerves of steel. No honey, it’s not nerves of steel, it’s the coke, it’s the pills. Seriously, I’m crying inside.
The Easter Bunny Came Early
Actually, momma went to see the Easter Bunny today. 
I was debating on how to pay the bills Friday and still get an Easter basket for Chloe, when I decided to just pick up the candy this morning, before class. The store didn’t have an actual basket, but I got a free box, and I think that I remembered everything that I’d gone over with Jerry last night. I even bought the extra bag of chocolate eggs for $15. I took $20 over what I thought it would cost, and I’m still $15 over! Woo hoo! How’s that for frugal? I’m also happy to report that I got everything that was in the Spring Delights basket, except for the actual basket because the store didn’t have a basket. Still, I think I did great:
Oh, and a little something for me, for now:
There were actually six of those, three milk chocolate, three white chocolate, but Mark, Lance and I ate them in class today.
Actually, momma went to see the Easter Bunny today. I was debating on how to pay the bills Friday and still get an Easter basket for Chloe, when I decided to just pick up the candy this morning, before class. The store didn’t have an actual basket, but I got a free box, and I think that I remembered everything that I’d gone over with Dennis last night. I even bought the extra bag of chocolate eggs for $15. I took $20 over what I thought it would cost, and I’m still $15 over! Woo hoo! How’s that for frugal? I’m also happy to report that I got everything that was in the Spring Delights basket, except for the actual basket because the store didn’t have a basket. Still, I think I did great:
Oh, and a little something for me, for now:
There were actually six of those, three milk chocolate, three white chocolate, but Mark, Lance and I ate them in class today.
Last, I joined TribalBlogs.com. You should too! Then add me as a friend!
I Have The Power
I am falling back into my old habits. Medication that makes me forget things that are important to me. Narcotics. It eases the depression somehow. I don’t like what I have been doing lately. I have started a recovery process that will be about 61 days long. If I can go that long without falling back into my old habits, I just may be ok. But I don’t know.
I know this is not the way to handle an illness. I hate that I have fallen back into my old habits. I know my family is suffering because of it. I know that I can do better. I know that it’s just a matter of getting my priorities in order. Right now, I just want to feel better. I want someone to tell me that I am better. I want someone to appreciate what I do. I want to see results that all of my hard work has paid off in more ways than one. Right now I’m in a standstill at school and life. I have done some things that I seriously regret while taking this medicine,and I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. I’m trying to correct what I did last night while on the medicine. I don’t know if I can do it in time. I should be able to.
I have not told Dennis what I have been doing. I fear that he will be disgusted at me for taking the easy way out of my problems. I have never gone so far as to actually indulge like I have this past week. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Part of the problem is my doctor doesn’t take me seriously. He thinks that my emotional well being is a joke. He has actually laughed at me for suggesting that I might need something different for my medication. Something that suppresses the urges, crushes the pain, and brings back my feelings. I am emotionless, but my body is still responding to despair and sadness. My habits are still responding. I have found myself tossing things out left and right. The shelf above my desk is bare, where once my things were. I have gotten rid of nearly all of my audio CDs. I even sold my DS. It’s only going to get worse from here.
I will find a solution for this, even if I have to do it alone. Even if Dennis won’t help me. Even if I have to walk the path alone, I will do it. I don’t like where I am right now, but I have the power to change who I am and where I am going. I can’t change my past, but I can change my future. Just like I changed my husband’s radical hair from Kool Aid red back to a normal shade.
I am thinking about doing something radical. No, not slitting my wrists in extreme…whatever. It’s a little more intense than that. No, I’m not going to load a gun and blow my brains out. You. Guys. It’s not suicide! Well, not in a formal form. I am thinking of purchasing two WordPress Themes and a Photoshop Actions set for my personal blog for $45. I need a new layout, one that works well, and I need something that screams “SPRING!” So for $45 I’m going to request the themes and actions set.
This month has not been good, financially. I deserve a little reward, right? I was good all month long. I went to school. I didn’t charge anything. I walked that line. So…. Other than a layout, what else could I reward myself with?
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