Je ne Peux pas Vous Pardonner

I have sat down several times to update this site, but I cannot find anything worthy of posting about this sunny Sunday afternoon. I find that it sucks that I am trapped indoors for what seems like an eternity, in the springtime, all because I had an accident. I know, I know. You’re siding in with the cop who said that I shouldn’t be driving if my diabetes is that out of control. Well, it wasn’t that out of control! I didn’t have it! But I forgive that police officer; he was only doing his job. I forgive my doctor for hurrying through the test and then prescribing me something that caused my blood sugar to drop several times over the past six months, and when I went to have my medication adjusted–which I made a special appointment to see him about–and he upped the dose because he said I didn’t look like someone who had low blood sugars; he was only judging me based on my mother’s actions and doing his so-called job. I forgive the woman I hit for lying about me shortly after the accident and lying about me again Friday; she only wanted a ton of cash or a brand-new-car out of this.

The person I can’t seem to forgive is myself.

Not because of the accident, but because I am out of creativity, and my blogs are coming to a fast head. I can’t decide whether I want to keep them or let the domains expire. I cannot forgive myself because I have not kept a promise I made to myself last year. I cannot forgive myself for giving up on my eighteen-year-old dream of being a famous writer some day. I cannot forgive myself because people tend to not like me. I cannot forgive myself because I have been mean to people in comments lately. I don’t mean to be mean, the words just flow that way, and they are mean spirited. I certainly don’t mean to be that way. I don’t mean to offend people. Some of them have exploded in single-sided flame wars because I refuse to play back, but I am the one who enticed these people, and it’s not right. I doubt that I would be blogged, commented and posted about had I not left an ill-thought comment. I have gone back and apologised to those people, told them I forgive them for lashing out at me. That has caused these people to post what a “wimp” I am. Ok. Whatever. I’m done. I won’t play the game. I won’t post link backs to them with snarky, sarcastic comments. I forgive them for calling me a whore and a slut. I forgive them for taking my pictures from my page and writing “whore” and “slut” on them to display on their blogs and as icons on forums. I forgive them for taking my apology and twisting it into something that it wasn’t meant to be.

I can forgive all of that.

But I cannot forgive myself.

Where did it all go wrong?

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