Archive for June, 2010
In accordance with my job, I have to have a physical and psychiatric evaluation. It’s pretty standard, but I have a bad feeling that it may go bad. I’m going to be honest: I am depressed and the medication that I am on is no longer helping me. I feel trapped. I feel isolated. I feel as though I am just a machine who is ordered to clean, wash, tend to the kids, and be ready for sex whenever it’s demanded of me. That’s no way to live. I hope when they do these tests, I don’t lose my job. I’ve worked hard to get where I am today. This is where I want to be. I don’t understand why I’m so unhappy, if that’s the case.
I have a flight in a few hours to go see my friends. I put in for three days off from work, from tomorrow through Monday. I’m happy to be going to the convention later on, but I am still uneasy about leaving home for the few days. The family therapist says I need this trip. We’re going to leave the kids in the care of my husband’s younger brother. Speaking of him, I had a very weird dream about him last night. It was knocked up a few notched of awkwardness when we were cleaning the bedroom out this afternoon. He was helping me make my bed, and my navy blue vibrator was tucked in the sheets somewhere. It tumbled out onto the hardwood floor and started vibrating. I grinned, grabbed it, and switched it off. “Um, I think I should take out the trash,” my brother-in-law said, and turned and left the room. I’d really forgotten that thing was in the bed somewhere!
I think I made some progress. I cleaned out my desk. I threw away some things that I have been holding onto for over ten years. They’re of no use to me anymore. I have more to go through, more to toss out, but for now, I feel as though I’m headed in the right direction. After I cleaned out the desk, I cleaned off the shelf above the desk. More stuff tossed out or put away. It’s empty now. A little sad.
Now it’s time to pack and head out. I will try to update, but there’s no promise. I want to take pictures, but for some reason, my camera cards won’t hold more than 20 pictures at a time. Is there something I’m doing wrong? They’re 8 and 16 GB cards and the pictures are 10 Mega Pixels. Advice?
Sorry about the downtime.
I don’t understand what is wrong with my site. If I get more than 500 hits per day, something breaks. I’ve never experienced anything like this before. Luckily, I saved the theme via DreamWeaver CS5. I wish I knew what was doing this to my site. It happened back when I used MovableType, and now it’s happening with WordPress. Guess it’s time to email my hosts again.
I’m still very unmotivated to do much of anything, other than sit around and think about what I should be doing. For the first time in weeks, the fitted sheet is completely off the mattress, and I have no motivation to fix it. I keep thinking about the up and coming meet up this Thursday, and I’m both nervous and excited. I haven’t saw my friends for almost a year, and I always wonder if things aren’t going to go well. What if someone doesn’t come because they’re mad at me over something extremely petty? What if someone who flat out dislikes me shows up? I know it’s a sign of abnormality to not go because someone there dislikes me. Though I can’t help but feel a little anxious. We’ll know in a couple of days, won’t we?
I have no motivation these days. Some times I think that I should just walk away from everything for a little while, and come back when I truly want to do this. No matter what I do, in terms of keeping the home, working outside the home, tending to the family, it’s not enough. We don’t even talk anymore. I almost wonder if this is because of the upcoming JournalCon this week? Or the Premiere in four months? Part of me wants to fall into the arms of the one man whom I know will love me and wants to be with me. But the other part of me tells me that is not right.
I work hard to make things right, but I have my own limitations to what I can and will not do, and that does not seem to be enough. I wish it were enough. I hate that I have to go through with this, the way that it is. I wish that I were not so afraid to just talk to him. Let him know that I don’t want to be punished anymore for whatever it is that he seems to think I have done. Whatever that might be, I am sorry. I can’t start making the wrong things right unless I know what those wrong things are. I don’t feel as though I have done anything that is wrong, but that may be where I am wrong. Clear as mud, right?
The therapist tells me that this weekend will be the true test. The dreaded Fourth of July. The anniversary of when the abuse started, six years ago. Then it escalated the next year. We don’t have good memories of the Fourth of July. I want things to be better this year, but I can’t put down my defenses. My own senses tell me that is not a wise decision. Time will tell.
It seemed appropriate that the storms came today. The rain was on the west side of the house, but the dreary skies were on the east side. It’s going to be a dreary, starless night. I never quite miss the stars as when it is cloudy at night. Other nights I take them for granted. I take many things for granted these days. By day I clean house, organise things, and work on my research. By night I have nightmares. Ghosts from other times haunt my dreams and remind me of a past that I regret. Mistakes don’t mean a thing, if you don’t regret them, but I have regrets. There are times when I wonder if I should have stayed a little longer or said something a little more comforting. The ghosts wake me up in the night. Sometimes they don’t leave until well after dawn. There is nothing I can do to stop them from their visits. I cannot calm them. I cannot even calm myself.
The storms are starting back up. Chloe is deathly afraid of thunder and sitting right up against my leg. Through the rumbling thunder, jar flies are singing in the distance. That doesn’t comfort her. It’s my cue to go work on dinner. I can’t cook it until Dennis gets home, but I can make it and put it in the fridge until then.
Does anyone have any experience with Creative Suite 5? Is it worth the upgrade, or will I be seriously disappointed in about an hour when it gets done downloading?
I’m so fed up from my family that I am considering throwing away things they got me from my high school days, just so they can’t dangle that over my head anymore. “OMG! How can you be SO UNGRATEFUL as to NOT come over and vacuum my floors in your spare time?! I bought you 99¢ earrings once!”
Fucking greedy fucks.
My boss gave me several pages of forms to fill out and have back to him by next week. He didn’t give me an exact deadline, but he said “Next week, sometime”. Hmm. Always makes me a little nervous when I know the forms are important, but I don’t have to return them for a week or so. I finished them at work, and I was late getting out, and consequently, I was unable to pay one of the bills yesterday with my paycheck. I was supposed to cash my check and pay the bill, but by the time I got to the bill pay center, the woman was already closed, even though I still had about five minutes left. Oh well. There’s always tomorrow, right? What upsets me is I did not get the forms turned back into my boss when I finished them. I brought them home. I’m not sure why I did this. I could have easily just dropped them off at his office, even if he was no longer there.
After my bill-pay fail, I picked up some Scroos for my hair-it’s gotten somewhat longer than last year, and I have had trouble with my Scruncci-these really keep my hair out of my face and eyes. I have a new cord for my iPhone, so it’s charging right now. I’m so happy to get it back! Apple went the extra mile and gave me a new battery, even though I didn’t especially need one.