I have no motivation these days. Some times I think that I should just walk away from everything for a little while, and come back when I truly want to do this. No matter what I do, in terms of keeping the home, working outside the home, tending to the family, it’s not enough. We don’t even talk anymore. I almost wonder if this is because of the upcoming JournalCon this week? Or the Premiere in four months? Part of me wants to fall into the arms of the one man whom I know will love me and wants to be with me. But the other part of me tells me that is not right.

I work hard to make things right, but I have my own limitations to what I can and will not do, and that does not seem to be enough. I wish it were enough. I hate that I have to go through with this, the way that it is. I wish that I were not so afraid to just talk to him. Let him know that I don’t want to be punished anymore for whatever it is that he seems to think I have done. Whatever that might be, I am sorry. I can’t start making the wrong things right unless I know what those wrong things are. I don’t feel as though I have done anything that is wrong, but that may be where I am wrong. Clear as mud, right?

The therapist tells me that this weekend will be the true test. The dreaded Fourth of July. The anniversary of when the abuse started, six years ago. Then it escalated the next year. We don’t have good memories of the Fourth of July. I want things to be better this year, but I can’t put down my defenses. My own senses tell me that is not a wise decision. Time will tell.