In accordance with my job, I have to have a physical and psychiatric evaluation. It’s pretty standard, but I have a bad feeling that it may go bad. I’m going to be honest: I am depressed and the medication that I am on is no longer helping me. I feel trapped. I feel isolated. I feel as though I am just a machine who is ordered to clean, wash, tend to the kids, and be ready for sex whenever it’s demanded of me. That’s no way to live. I hope when they do these tests, I don’t lose my job. I’ve worked hard to get where I am today. This is where I want to be. I don’t understand why I’m so unhappy, if that’s the case.

I have a flight in a few hours to go see my friends. I put in for three days off from work, from tomorrow through Monday. I’m happy to be going to the convention later on, but I am still uneasy about leaving home for the few days. The family therapist says I need this trip. We’re going to leave the kids in the care of my husband’s younger brother. Speaking of him, I had a very weird dream about him last night. It was knocked up a few notched of awkwardness when we were cleaning the bedroom out this afternoon. He was helping me make my bed, and my navy blue vibrator was tucked in the sheets somewhere. It tumbled out onto the hardwood floor and started vibrating. I grinned, grabbed it, and switched it off. “Um, I think I should take out the trash,” my brother-in-law said, and turned and left the room. I’d really forgotten that thing was in the bed somewhere!

I think I made some progress. I cleaned out my desk. I threw away some things that I have been holding onto for over ten years. They’re of no use to me anymore. I have more to go through, more to toss out, but for now, I feel as though I’m headed in the right direction. After I cleaned out the desk, I cleaned off the shelf above the desk. More stuff tossed out or put away. It’s empty now. A little sad.

Now it’s time to pack and head out. I will try to update, but there’s no promise. I want to take pictures, but for some reason, my camera cards won’t hold more than 20 pictures at a time. Is there something I’m doing wrong? They’re 8 and 16 GB cards and the pictures are 10 Mega Pixels. Advice?