Oceans

Tonight I had my last night of fun with my husband. The walk before we run.

He took me to three different places, and I couldn’t get into any of it. In the back of my mind, I did not feel that I was worth what was happening to me. I knew that I didn’t belong there. The world is a different place when you have cancer raging through your veins. Dates, even with the man whom you know will love you forever, aren’t the same when you know you have to be home by 10pm to start the pre-therapy.

I have already begun to think of how life will be after the treatments have stopped. It will be May, and all traces of winter will have disappeared. The air conditioners will be back on full tilt. The warmth of the sun will heat our home. The stars will shine and twinkle brightly at night. I can take Chloe out for her first meteor showers. I can teach her about the wonders and beauty of the small worlds we see dancing happily above our own world. Flowers blooming. Picnics. Bar-B-Qs. I might take my kids to see the ocean. I haven’t decided which ocean yet. I could go to California and meet up with my friend Josh and show my kids the warm Pacific Ocean. Let them play on a real Californian beach. Bring home a bottle of sand from California’s beach. Or we could go to the other side of the country and see my friend James and play in the cool waters of the Atlantic; the first ocean I played in, swam in, drank from. Also, the last.

I think of building happy memories with my kids, and have their most precious possessions not be the Xbox or Wii, but the albums of pictures of their memories with their family. I thought maybe this fall we could do that. Just go on tour with Dennis’ band this fall/winter, but with my impending treatments, I don’t see how that could possibly happen now. I am holding everyone back by being sick. Cancer picked a bad time to rear its ugly head.

I am going to be sick for a long time with this. My goal treatment end date is May 20th: the two-year anniversary of my oldest daughter’s death. Doc Mick did not know this when he told me the date. I took it as a sign that she is watching after me and as a hint that I am going to beat this. My treatment has already begun, starting tonight, I took the first blue pill that will ease me into not throwing up as much as I should. One of the side effects is chemical amnesia. Oh good! I’ll be back emailing and calling people at 10pm and not even remember it until they send me back their angry replies. *laughs* Fun times!

I think it’s time for me to retire for the night. I have nothing left to say, and a whole mind full that needs to be released with sleep.

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