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NaBloPoMo November 2013


::Rings ‘N’ Things::

Worsening

23/12/10 2:51 PM

It’s a dark day. I feel pain all over. My head is pounding. My pulse is racing. I want to reach over and jerk the wires and tubes off the monitor. It gets to be so aggravating. I’m trapped. I know what it must feel like to be a caged animal. I wonder if this is truly Hell. No escape from your own misery.

What can I compare this too? I don’t even know. I closed my eyes and willed my thoughts to let the spirit of my soul rise up. My body was screaming, “Please!” My mind was whispering and begging, “Please.” I could almost hear the dark side laughing, “Give up.” Tears slipped from the corners of my eyes. I could feel them travel slowly down my face.

I won’t be angry, pain and darkness thrive on anger.

I have to be bigger than the pain. Bigger than the darkness. I have to snatch my thoughts back and fight to keep them from being overpowered. Sometimes it’s the hardest thing in the world to accomplish. I sink into this deep abyss where I have to face my fears one by one. No one can take this journey but me. No one can overcome the fears but me. I have to face the weakness and shut it down. Rationalize it. Dissect it. Abolish it. Find peace with it.

I know my thoughts are all screwed up. I don’t know why it has to be like this. Pain brings on the weirdest thoughts. I’m trying to deal with them as they come. What jumps into my mind…

I don’t want to die alone. I’m not sure it’s fair to even think those type of thoughts. But I have to deal with it for my own well being. There comes a point in all of this reality and insanity that you have too. It’s true, I’m not afraid of death. I’ve come to terms with all of that. But, when the times comes I don’t want to be alone, and yet, is it fair to put someone you love through the tremendous sorrow of being with you when you depart?

I don’t know the answer. I guess it’s not something we can choose. Maybe I’m not so much afraid of being alone as I am about being able to say my final I love you’s. I guess that’s why it’s so important to express those things when you feel them right now. I try to do that. I don’t want to forget. I want my actions to leave no doubts of my love.

To Love is to receive a glimpse of heaven.

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Posted by Christina | in Health, Illness, Life, Medical, On My Mind | Comments Off

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