The Buck Stops Here

Not that I think anyone reading this really gives a flying fuck anymore, but after my appointment today, I was told that there was nothing more the doctors could do. I can play along with the treatments until June and suffer twice as much as I would if I were to stop them this week. I will never be cured. But that’s just the bad part. The ironic part is that they don’t feel I need anymore pain management medication, so therefore, I guess all the armchair lunatics on the internet were right – cancer isn’t something that requires anything stronger than Tylenol. But we have another goal! Would it be possible for me to drop an insane amount of weight, far more than anyone in their right mind would tell someone who is not even over weight, to lose, by March 18th? Perhaps if I stopped eating all together?

I left the medical building in tears. Went directly to the University and put in my two week notice. Came home and changed my phone number to cut down on the harassment that is going to ensue when the rumors get around the school that I have resigned.

I was doing so well, too.

Sunday I was able to walk all around the mall, never took a rest. I was able to park far away from the stores and walk without stopping. I was able to go through the grocery store, without having to take a break at the bench while my father in law paid for his food. I was able to get dressed, to go to work, to move about without any pain. I felt like I was getting well. Then I get this news that I am not well, but worse. Rather than 70%, my heart is at 55%. It’s getting worse, but because of my other health ailments, they don’t want to do anything for it. Why bother? There are other people who need the space in the cardiology department, and I’m just a drain on their resources.

One of the weird things was I was actually looking forward to being able to wash my own laundry, making my bed, being able to get around. But I guess I won’t be able to do that now. To quote my insensitive ex: At least my hair didn’t fall out.

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