Archive for March, 2011

I’m running on empty. I have to. Just a few more hours, and I will be in Texas, ready for the procedure on Friday, chemically comatised and dead to the world. All the arrangements have been made, the kids will be well taken care of, and my workplace has offered to hold my job for me; they went the extra mile and told me I was off until June, when the summer courses start. Isn’t that nice? A three-month vacation.

I haven’t heard from the person who turned me in. It’s as if they disappeared off the face of the earth, and I couldn’t care less. They think what they did was sly, funny, and cute, but what it did in reality, was dirty and cruel. Right now, any money that I want to play around with, I have to earn it. Dennis’ money is going towards our bills and my medical procedures. I was shocked this person turned on me like they did, but in the end, I guess I was expecting it. I’m just glad the whole thing didn’t go any further and when it was proven that I was not intoxicated at work, they were written off as a liar and the University washed their hands of the whole mess. I’m now wondering if they were the one who reported me three and a half years ago, when I was reported for a similar ordeal. They used the illusion that many people disliked me, and I bought into that illusion. I took comfort in knowing that person was there for me. Then I was mysteriously reported for being pregnant and partying down on a drug that has zero recreational value. I’m sure that person knew that, but they were just causing trouble.

I am going to finish packing and rest a bit until my ride is here. Yes, I’m heading out tonight. I’ll try to make a small post tomorrow to let everyone know that I am doing okay and they shouldn’t worry. My pain is pretty bad, nothing relieves it but bed rest. That shouldn’t be happening. I should not be in this much pain, physically. I overheard my mother talking to someone on the phone, probably her mother, about how invalid I am because I will be putting her 100 DVDs on hold while I go in for this procedure. Even though I have told her that I will continue to make the DVDs when I get back, and she will have two full shows plus several movies she can watch in the meantime, I’m sure she won’t run out of things to watch, I am still an invalid. She brags about her co-workers’ adult children, and how, even though they are greedy and demand fast food and gas money plus cash as payment for taking their sick and elderly family members out to buy medicine, and demand the relatives buy for their friends, too, they are wonderful because they do it without taking a break. I wonder how many of them are seriously ill? Hearing her tell this to someone made me cry. What’s the point in helping my mother if nothing will ever please her, and I am the black sheep because she chose to sleep around and have me? If she was so ashamed of getting pregnant by another man, she should have had an abortion. Point blank. They were legal in 1980.

The key in my life that many people miss is that I am seriously ill. I’m not given high doses of dangerous medicines because I want something to do on the weekends. I am sick. I am in pain. Very few, if any, of the medicines really work for me. Much of my day is spent in pain. Chloe has to come to me and tell me at my bedside about her day. On most days, I cannot pick her up from school because of the pain. I have to rely on my father in law. I hope this procedure will fix much of that. I welcome your happy thoughts, good vibes, and prayers!