Archive for September, 2011
I worked on improving this theme, which made a brief appearance in 2008 during the Presidential Elections, for nearly four years. The theme was originally thought up in 2005 by my nephew and given to me as a MovableType layout in 2007. Except I was getting ready to merge to WordPress then, and, well, we all know that WordPress themes are nothing like the simple layouts we were used to making for the past eight years.
I want to thank everyone who leaves personal support and love for me here. I appreciate it. As for those of you concerned about the personality stealer (which is all that I will refer to her as), I don’t care what she does. If she wants to claim that she and I have the same interests and likes, that’s fine with me. I know that she does not, and in doing so, she isn’t impressing me or anyone out there because I don’t like myself in the state that I am. I feel there is room for improvement and nothing that she says or does will make that any different. It scares me a little to think that she feels that she is a perfect person in mimicking me, and I feel bad for the next person that she pretends to be, but what can one say? I’m annoyed about it a little, and a bit amused, but that is all. Again, thanks for telling me. I appreciate it.
I haven’t been feeling well these past couple of days. I don’t know what it is. I am going to try to clean things up around here and see if I feel any better. I feel pretty bad tonight. Bad enough that I flushed my supper down the toilet rather than eat it. I wasn’t that hungry anyway, and spent a good part of the day trying to sleep. I still feel pretty bad. Back pain. Leg pain. Calf pain. Head aches. I was put on Coumadin a few days ago, and since then I have been a little dizzy. I am thinking of going off of it. I also want to get my act together and see a doctor, even if it is the asshole that I despise, because I need some of my old meds back. I need them to get my life back on track. Or maybe it’s the idea that my mother has been living with us for a year now with no signs of moving out or reconciling with dad? That has always made me feel exhausted because she harps on everything I do, and she can always do so much better than me. On top of that all, she hates Chloe. Yes, she hates her granddaughter for two reasons: One, the girl was born out of wedlock (as if my mother was even married before I was born, and even then, I belonged to another man) and two, I “baby” her too much by getting her a pristine education, won’t let her walk and run the streets at night, and on Halloween I (GASP!) won’t let her trick-or-treat at the registered sex offended (pedophile)’s house! What the hell kind of mom am I, not letting a child who hasn’t hit puberty get molested?!
Okay, I’m being sarcastic and witty. Time to publish my post, close my browser and get to bed!
It was brighter and cooler out today. There is rain on the way. The darker clouds cause a nagging pain in my back, but it was tolerable. I searched for things that I know I will never find. In the darkness, fumbling around, unsuccessful. I have been unsuccessful in working on new projects. I just can’t get inspired to do anything other than sit and look at the projects and wonder why I even started working on them to begin with. What’s the point? The sad thing is that I just have to add some final touches to them and they are done. But I can’t seem to find the strength to do much of anything anymore.
Looking back on the last week, I wonder if I have done the right thing. Then I have a conversation or two with my horrible mother, and I don’t look back. Not on what I did. Not at all.
Randomness: Paper Dragons
With the weather getting cooler, and the days getting shorter, I actually have the strength to go shopping and do some work around my house. I’d love to get some favourite fall and winter recipes from anyone who wants to share. I also need some good ideas for mystical fall layouts. I have a really good layout that I have not used in a long time; not as a WordPress layout, anyway. I think the last time I used it was when I was actually hand-coding for Greymatter and MovableType. How long ago was that?? Anyway, any ideas will be appreciated. I know all about Google, but I’d like to have some live feedback from people who enjoy my site. So I am open to tons of feedback on this. 
I am posting a photo of my wedding band here. It’s supposed to simulate falling stars and one star for every year Dennis and I loved each other before getting married. I love it to death, even if it doesn’t quite reach to my palm.
My new and improved Fentanyl patch. It’s smaller and I don’t need to apply tape to it, so there’s no itching, no burning, and no crinkling. I can’t even feel it. I love these smaller patches! I may never go back to my old patches.
I found out the hard way that my watch glows in the dark.
Finally, the new fall candles. I love the Autumn Leaves. It really smells like spicy, wet, fallen leaves in the fall. I want to get a bigger jar of it when I can get back out to the candle shop.
I saw some clothes that I want to buy in the next few weeks or so. They’re awesome. I really need to get ready for the trip to New Orleans. Physically ready, that is. I am excited to be going, because that’s where I’m spending my anniversary with Dennis at. Perfect present, if you ask me.
Smile! It’s a beautiful day out! It’s good to be alive.
Head Like A Hole
The trip to James’ apartment was a quiet one. He didn’t ask why I raced away from my brother-in-law, and I didn’t offer anything. I kept glancing out the window at the sun setting over Manhattan, wondering what the next day was going to bring. I didn’t want to go to the conference. I didn’t want to get out there and accept an award package for my husband. Why couldn’t he do it? The big city doesn’t scare me, even when I am alone. Even if James had not been there. I have walked down those streets at dusk and back, several blocks, and I never once was mugged, raped or murdered (obviously). But I didn’t like being there with my memories, haunting memories, alone, in the city where it all happened. I thought of Paul and the life he never gave me because he was killed in the twin towers. I thought of the game my fellow bloggers and I played just two months before the towers fell. I thought of many things as we crept along the crowded streets. Much of it wasn’t very positive. I remember these things for a reason, and that reason is because I was happy then, and I know I will never be able to do them again.
James’ grandmother was waiting for us at the apartment. His two little boys were parked on the living room floor, playing with an assortment of toys. “We don’t have an extra bedroom,” he said, quietly. I smiled. “I don’t mind sleeping with you.” Yes, it was just as suggestive as I intended it to be. I won’t hide it. I’m a little attracted to James. I always have been.
That night we slept with the windows open and the cool night air drifting over us. I love James’ bedroom. It has three large windows with the headboard of the bed underneath the middle window, the other two curved ever so slightly, as the room curves. I love it. We get a three-way breeze every night, and it seems that no matter which direction the wind blows, we get a good breeze. All of Manhattan twinkled below and above. I didn’t feel lost. I felt as if I were home. After sitting at James’ desk writing in my journal, I closed the book and laid down beside him. He was already asleep. The wooden antique bed was appropriately made with an antique quilt. I wasn’t used to sleeping in a standard bed. I kept waking up. I kept wondering if there was something more there.
The next morning found us at Ground Zero, as slide shows and speeches commenced. When The World Stopped Turning was played. Billy and I received our packets. I returned immediately to James’ side as to not give in to Billy’s begging of forgiveness. Many tears were shed there. James remembered his camera, and took many photos. I remembered Paul’s photos from the slide show. They were donated for the project. The View from the 100th Floor of the World Trade Center.
Photos © 2000 Paul B. Used without permission, for non-profit. Credit Paul if you use these photos anywhere else online.
I indulged a little on the trip. NYC pizza. Bagels. There are just some things that I will always love about the place, that will always keep me coming back. James is a big part of that, but he’s not the only reason. I made it a point to remove my Fentanyl patch before going, and James noticed the marks and scars left behind. How could he not? We explored and loved each other that night, with the windows wide open. It ended peacefully, and I was happy. The next morning, James asked the question he always asks me: “When are you going to marry me? I’ve been waiting eleven years.” I smiled and said when the time was right. I don’t know if the time will ever be right.
That’s what in vivo narcotics does to a person.
I promised James I would be back. He gave me a soft kiss before I borded the plane. I know he watched the plane take off. Whisk me away, far away, as my eyes kept gazing on the bracelet on my right wrist..
The Big Apple.
I never thought I would be back here so … soon. That’s a little misunderstanding since I was here back in December, but James and I have not spoken much since January. I looked forward to seeing him again. The entire trip here, I got stuck next to my brother-in-law, who bragged about being back with his psycho ex. AKA: The woman who wanted to put his dying son in a nursing home because she was oh-so-scared that the kid was getting attention that she deserved. When Billy didn’t fall for that, the bitch wanted the kid killed. Or for the cancer to hurry up. Whatever was good for him. When Billy told me this as we were in the air, I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. For five years I had to put up with this woman and her lies about Don Henley, her lies about friends being murdered every day at concerts and how this was Billy’s fault and he should pay the damages, how she had abortions at age seven, how this and that had happened to her, and that we should take pity on her and send her money and expensive gifts. Yeah, that cow ran dry a long time ago, and I’m not in the mood to go back to being bothered by her anytime soon. I made small talk with Billy and answered his questions with as little effort as possible. When the plane landed, I hurried up to my friend James and asked if we could go somewhere, leaving Billy still on the plane for the time being. I grabbed the first suitcase and back pack that even resembled mine (luckily, I was the only one traveling with a black, silver-star-studded back pack and suitcase), and hurried James to his car. I’m sure the airport people wondered if I was hiding something. Nope. Just wanted to get away from someone, before things got worse.
I’m not sure how Billy can just take back his ex after all the trouble she caused this family. She is the reason Billy and his brother don’t talk anymore, after twenty-eight years of having a wonderful relationship. I told Billy a long time ago, if he got mixed up with her again, to forget me. I am not going to put up with her interference in my life again, and he had to make a decision: Me or her. It’s apparent that he has chosen her, so I am going to avoid him this entire trip.
I begged James to let me stay with him. I cannot be in the same hotel as Billy, knowing what he has been up to. I did ask how long this has been going on, and he said over a month. Ok. You know what? I give up. He can have her and her lies and her drama. I’m through with living like that anymore. I don’t want to expose my family to that. It’s bad enough what went on all that time ago. I won’t make that mistake again. He’s tried to reassure me that she has changed. Um, how many other times did she “change” only for the same thing to happen again and again? I’m still at that point where I don’t believe she has cancer, nor do I believe that because I wouldn’t spend copious amounts of money on her, that I cost her her job. I have gone through stacks and stacks of emails, many dating back to 2002, and I cannot see where I have ever promised her anything, other than friendship.
Not to mention that I am suspicious of her. Every time we talked, she wanted photos of me. Why? I’m not sure. It was suspicious because my stalker at the time swore he was going to get photos of me, even if he had to pay someone to do so. Which freaked me out, to say the least.
Enough of that.
Yesterday was a good day, incase you missed it on Twitter. Here’s a good list of five things that happened yesterday:
#5: ALL of my paperwork is caught up for work! WOOHOO!
#4: In 12 hours I will be in Manhattan! *winkwinknudgenudge* *heknowswhoiamtalkingabout*! (Actually, he’s drunk and passed out … for now!
#3: I fixed my SuperDrive, so I was able to burn my digital copy of 1986′s Trick or Treat to DVD to watch tonight! Been waiting to see that! (it was quite disappointing, although I needed the distraction on the plane to get my mind off of Billy and his bullshittery)
#2: I got a HDMI cable for the DVD burner AND hooked up the cable properly, so the DVR and the Wii can be connected at the same time! Yay!
#1: PIXIE.NU is BAAAAAAACK on the web! I own the domain name AND the hosting is on MY VERY OWN DREAMHOST ACCOUNT!!
Yes, I finally did it! I got a Dreamhost account! No more worries about hosting, because I’m hosting five domains on one account for just $8.95 per month or something like that. Also, there’s Green hosting, there’s virtually no limit to the space I use or the bandwidth I need, which is good because I get linked from high-traffic sites quite frequently, and I don’t have to limit my sites to simple blogs anymore! I out-grew the “domain as a blog only” scene years ago. I just never upgraded my hosting to reflect that. I haven’t transferred this site over there yet, but I will. I have a blog, a photo blog, a fan community, a family website and headquarters and I’m hosting a friend’s domain, all for less than $9 a month. If that isn’t a good deal, I don’t know what is! After Christmas, I’ll probably purchase the hosting for a few years, and go with that. *does a happy dance*
Here’s hoping tomorrow goes well for me. I am supposed to be one of about 150 people to get to go through this for survivors of 9/11, in the place of Dennis. I have no idea where he is, just on the road. I still have some work to go over, and them I’m going to get to bed. Long day tomorrow. Even longer day on Monday. I may not be able to go to work this week, that’s how long and hard things are going to be for me. (*giggles* I said “long” and “hard” and “for me”)
I want to open my photo blog, Pixie.nu, again, and I thought that simply paying a friend’s bill on Dreamhost would reactivate my account, but alas, it’s gone. All my entries, all my photos, all my information, wiped clean. This really depresses me. I thought they were better hosts than that. What’s really wrong is that I did not know when the hosting was up on the account. So I did not know when to pay up the account. Lesson learned, I guess. In October, or earlier, I am going to get my own Dreamhost account and host my photo blog, my brother-in-law’s site, and anyone else in our family or circle of friends sites that needs hosting. Besides my site, I lost my designs and photos. That really upset me. Losing my personal parts of my site really made me cry. I’ve never cried over virtual things before, but I did those things. I guess it would be the same as if I lost my computer or phone. The money that the item cost would be nothing compared to the memories via media inside it.
Random images from work today:
★
