Mother’s Day. Yet another holiday created by the Hallmark corporation to stereotype women. :0) Just kidding! I don’t live with that type of an attitude! So, for a simple treat, I am going to go through my day, from the time I woke up until now. I realise that even though I share a lot on this page, I don’t share enough. If I share too much, I am accused of putting my family in danger. If I don’t share enough, I risk some bozo claiming that I am lying. I have a funny story about that, but today is not the day to post that. Today I am going over how the majority of my summer days are going to go. After getting the little ones fed and off to their toys, I sat down at the computer and figured up what all I needed to purchase and download. I had three seasons of a show that I needed to get downloaded, and I got right on that. The next part involved me fiddling with the site while trying to correct my error that I keep getting here. I gutted the site and started over from scratch, except for my WP data base. That ate up twenty minutes. While I was waiting for files to delete and upload, I sorted the laundry and took out some shirts, panties and socks to change into tomorrow, for court. Yes, I have court tomorrow. It’s nothing that I really want to get into yet, but I will in due time. I also set out my new inhaler, keys and synced my iPhone so that I’ll have something to listen to while I’m waiting to pass the time tomorrow. I dumped my extra coins in Chloe’s tin piggy bank, and folded and put away some clean laundry that I have been putting off for a few days. I listened to fifty-seven songs on one of my favourite playlists on iTunes, and sorted out my papers for court tomorrow. I have to remember to pack my meds and some water and ginger ale for the afternoon. In case I become ill during court.

Good thing that Dennis is fixing dinner tonight, and caring for the dishes. He’s going to fix the bed while I am taking my bath tonight. Work, work, work. I’m glad University is out for the next three months, so I don’t have exams to attend or papers to grade. Although I would rather be trotting down the isles of medical work stations at the University and cutting arteries on goats for surprise features of exams, and reading grad students suck-up papers than preparing to go to court over something that truly has had my heart tied in knots. It has me second guessing things. Am I doing the right thing? Well, at one time, I think I was conscience enough to not want to be put in a mental asylum, so I assume that I will always never want to go in one. How could I put someone else through it for the rest of their lives? Some one that I care so deeply about? But do I have the will power to take care of another person? Do I have the strength to be the person I once was, or am I going to lay down on the job simply because a few years have passed?

I’m afraid.

Dennis is going away this weekend, on an artist job thing, and I will be alone with my medicines and sickness and children from Friday through Monday. If court is short, I will be, basically, one child more in my care. I have been feeling better since kicking the risperidone, but for how much longer can I possibly fake it? There are so many questions, and I have no answers. I cannot come up with any on my own. I have searched my soul and the text books of my life, that I have been penning since I was eleven, and the answers are not there. That tells me that I am on a new path, one I have never had to take before, and I am afraid. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid of going it alone. Afraid, afraid, afraid.

And that’s not being fair to my family or the people who love and need me.

Leaders aren’t supposed to be afraid. Leaders aren’t supposed to be questioning themselves at the time of a new path to go down. Leaders take lead, and lead their family down that new path with courage and strength. Here I sit packing Vicodin for a court date in the morning, telling myself that I will do fine in the court room as long as I have my narcotics. It’s like spinach to Popeye.

I think the best thing for me to do is go and enjoy myself. It is my day after all! Mommie Dearest was on earlier. What a movie to show on Mother’s Day, huh? There’s a thriller/slasher flick from the late 70′s/early 80′s titled Mother’s Day about some women who get lost in the woods and some demented hillbillies chop ‘em up. I think it was made before the days of Jason. Whenever it was made, it’s one of a thousand reasons why I will not go into the woods to this very day. Only thing better to watch? Sybil. Yeah. Let’s get the child abuse themed movies on today in honor of our mothers! Because nothing says I love you Mom! like watching horrific depictions of child abuse or slashers! Even if it’s watered down with Hollywood-isation, it’s the idea that counts. Remember and celebrate your mother with love, not evil moms or hillbillies gone wild with chainsaws. It’s her day, after all, and mom does a lot for you and everyone in your life. Even if you can’t see what she has done, you know she has been there. You’re gonna miss her when she’s gone, or if she went on strike. I say this from experience.