☆ comatised.com | february stars ★ » Among the Stars

The Lite that Has Lighted My Life

Echos — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 03:31:18 +0000

When you discover someone isn’t as sincere as they’ve always said they were, you start to wonder, and question everything they have ever told you. If you’re me, you will figure it out the hard way: At the moment that you need them, they are “busy, don’t call me” when you need confirmation where they are so that you’ll have somewhere to go then, they “forget” their own address. But I needed them now. Not in the morning, now. Not when things cool off, now. Not after the doctor’s appointment, now. Not when it’s convenient for them, now. Hey, they’ve always said that you are always welcome, right? I had no idea that the welcoming of friendship had blackout time slots like frequent flier miles. It’s only okay to want to make good on that when it’s convenient for them or when they need something from you (money, expensive items, etc). The only good thing that I can say that came out of yesterday was that the one person who really does care about me, and was not lying when he said he loved me, was able to talk me into not going ballistic and telling the Idiot Gang who someone was, before sealing my own fate. He didn’t say “don’t call me” his only reply was “Can was FT about this? I want to see you.” I want to see you. No one else has ever said anything like that to me. I have conversed with many people online before, and never has any of them asked to video chat with them before.

There I sat, tears streaming down my cheeks in the barely lit room, reading and highlighting pill books and doing bio-chemistry conversions. The master plan, so to say. He didn’t talk about what I was doing, or why I was in the state that I was in. The sheer urgency of needing a light at the end of the tunnel told him the bad parts of the story, so he didn’t have to ask. He convinced me to call a family member in Las Vegas, or that was their last known whereabouts eleven days ago or so. So I called. A familiar but unidentified voice was on the other end of the line. I asked for my family member and there was a pause then, “Oh, he’s already left. I’m sorry.” Before the “sorry” was ever there, I had fresh tears pooling in my eyes. The sure thing, the one who would care for me no matter what, was already gone on to who knows where. I had thrown out his number before hand, so I couldn’t call him.

Feeling trapped I said my thanks and was about to hang up with the man on the other end of the line offered to take a message. “Do you have [his] number?” I asked. “Of course. But I don’t know who you are, so I can’t give it to you. It’s not my place,” he replied. I felt somewhat relieved. While I was giving the info to him via a speaker phone, my friend James was telling me things through FB to ask. Under any other circumstances, it would have been pretty funny. The guy on the phone asked me who was there, and I said I was chatting with someone through a video, and he replied, “You’re not crazy love, I can hear him too.” I had a feeling of who I had on the line, but I had to ask, and I was right. I felt a little embarrassed about calling his room, upset and thinking horrible thoughts, but I wanted out so badly. We finished up the call, he wished me well, I thanked him, and returned to my video chat. James hit the nail on the head when he asked me who it was by name. I saw his eyes light up. “Why don’t you go live with him! And bring me with you?!” Another thing that would have been funny under different circumstances.

I came to many conclusions last night and tonight. One of them is that I know who I can count on. I know who really loved me. The sad part is that I am not as smart as I thought I was. I thought I would never be taken in my another Roxanna again, and it’s very clear that I have been. She used to promise me hope of deliverance from my domestic violence situations, and then never fully able to go through with it. I didn’t need food. I didn’t need money. I needed companionship, someone to tell me that I was not alone. Someone to tell me that everything was going to be alright and that they were going to be there for me through it all. Looking back at those messages, I have to wonder if I was conversing with Roxanna again. Did she change her voice again? Where is she getting those devices? They all sound like different women, but they use the same sentence structures, same words, same phrases and life stories that she presented to me eleven and a half years ago. How does she keep fooling me off of the computer? Will she ever give up? What is so important that I have that she wants? If she just tells me, I will gladly give it to her for her to leave me alone forever. I am no longer even interested in keeping a record of her lies online anymore because I want her to leave me alone. I won’t even white knight for her future victims anymore. Discover the bitch like I did. Carry on the torch as I tried to. Just. Leave. Me. Alone!

In the mail this afternoon, I received a plane ticket to New Jersey. Do I want to go? Not especially. I can bring along the little ones, but only one carry on luggage each. The tickets are one way. There’s no turning back once I do go. I have faith in James, though. I know if I go to him, he will really be waiting for me at the Newark airport. He will really take me to his place. I won’t end up lost and wandering around alone somewhere down Texas way, with no way to get to even an enemy that I know down there. Not that they would help me, but it would be a familiar face. Maybe there’s a lesson to be learned from all of this, but I have to say that I should have learned it a long time ago when I first caught Janna in her lies and then caught Roxanna in similar lies. But I fell for it. Maybe it’s my weakness that every human has a heart and compassion for another human being in help, though I know many who have turned a blind eye to me since childhood.

James put a light at the end of the tunnel that I was in. I didn’t know if it was a train or the sunshine, but I could see a light and that was all I wanted to see. It was all I needed. I’m happy that he gave me that hope and didn’t just push me away when I reached out for help. Even if he had not sent me any tickets anywhere, and just conversed with me last night, not shooed me away because his mind and heart were on other things, I would have been just as grateful. I’m saddened a little that I did not marry James when I had the chance, but that’s just one of a thousand regrets that I am going to have to live with.

Spare A Kidney ?

Echos — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 01:17:27 +0000

Well, it’s finally happened. Come Monday I am going to be briefed on dialysis and then scheduled for my first trip some time next week. The whole idea depresses me like I have never been depressed before. Why is this happening? I have asked that question to myself many times. While I know why it happened, biologically and chemically, it was only a percentage that I was in, and the majority of this not happening was on my side. Yet it happened anyway.

My (asshole!) doctor wanted to blame the chemicals that I work with. They can cause severe kidney damage. Sure. If I had worked there for fifty years. He then blames the metformin that I have been on for the past four years. Well, he wanted me to take it because it causes weight loss. He also told me there were no horribly wrong side effects. Um, sure. See, I knew better. If I were an everyday person I could have a lawsuit against him at the moment, but as a bio-chemist, I knew the risks of taking the medicine and I still took it. Having my mother tell me that at 173 lbs, losing 30 lbs since Halloween night, made me less of an embarrassment to her. Of course she’s in her 60s and living off me, but I’m the embarrassment because I was a few pounds overweight. Technically for my height I wasn’t even obese, but I stopped eating, got depressed, and here I am. Though my loving doctor and mother want me down to 100 lbs even by summer. I was encouraged that I could do this. Ever see a 100 lb 6′ 1″ person? We don’t look good. We look like we survived the holocaust. We have no energy. Ten years ago I was down to 100 – 90 lbs and I looked like total shit. No tits. No energy. Constant pains. But damn, I wasn’t an embarrassment to my mother, her family, or my doctor. The people whom I should have truly been trying to please weren’t interested in my weight; I’ve always been perfect to them.

I was put on a double transplant list yesterday. Monday I pick up my pager to wait for the news that there is a kidney or lung (yes, those are fucked up too). I’m not sure if this will affect my trip to Sydney, or the trip to Las Vegas in March. I’ve already paid for my tickets and I want to go. My plane to Sydney is supposed to leave on Thursday morning and I return on Sunday the fifth. I had everything planned, from a new camera to a ton of GBs of space to take pictures and video. I even stocked up on spare batteries and a fast charger so I wouldn’t run out of juice on the trip. Then there’s my “artisan” make up because I was supposed to be a part of the filming we’re going to. I can’t get on camera with a dialysis cath in my arm with the bruises to go with it. This all has screwed up my entire pleasure in looking forward to the trip; I haven’t been to Australia for pleasure since 2003. Dennis was also looking forward to seeing DW again. I guess he can do that without me there, though. Nothing would be stopping him. I haven’t told anyone about this, other than posting it here, for people to sympathise with me over it. Let’s have that Pity Party for me!

On a lighter note, I have a couple of family members who are going to take blood tests and such to see if they match and I can get a kidney from them, possibly. I know my cousin BJ got tested. I’m not sure if I truly need my lung(s) replaced. That’s one of the things we’re going to discuss at the doctor’s office Monday afternoon.

Oh, and my TimeCapsule died and went to hell a week ago. I’ve gone through the motions of removing the hard drive in it (and have the pictures to prove it), and now I am waiting on my check to go into my card so I can get a cord for it. I have another TimeCapsule, but I can’t get the computer to recognise it. I hope that wasn’t the error with my older drive. After harvesting that drive, I feel as though I can harvest the drive from my old strawberry iMac, just to get the data off it. That would be pretty awesome if I could get that drive too. I may update next with pictures of me harvesting my TimeCapsule drive and the iMac drive, if I can get it out. Right now I have to sit at my desk and update, and that’s a bitch. I usually update from my bed while I’m watching TV. Not anymore! Not until I can figure out how to get that TimeCapsule working. Any suggestions? Advice on anything I’ve posted? Email me if you do. Or leave a comment. Whichever is good for you.

Don’t forget to add my feeds:

here, there, and facebook or just plain add me on facebook. I’ll love you forever!

The Colours of My Life

Echos — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 22:29:49 +0000

Hope you guys like the new layout! I certainly do. Looks a tad more professional. I’m going to go lay down before this seizure hits full

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Keep watching the skies! Santa’s bound to be out there somewhere!

Winter Is Here Again

Echos — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 05:45:45 +0000

It’s snowing. Big, floppy flakes that stick to everything they touch. From the ground to your eye lashes. It’s truly the first day of winter.

Being that, I was going to change my layout today, but my heart just isn’t in to updating a page today. I had to force myself out of bed to type these few sentences.

Maybe I’ll be more into it tomorrow.

The Leonids Fell

Echos — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 00:26:47 +0000

Thursday night the Leonids fell for the year 2011. I watched in awe and silence as the meteors fell as fiery streaks across the sky. The rain of meteors, as they silently streaked across the velvet sky, calmed me, in a way. I wrote about it in my journal, but I cannot find said journal now, so I cannot re-write what I wrote as I watched them. I did take some photos with my star app.

I got a battery for my newer camera, and I was able to use the silly thing for more than a few seconds. It’s strange that the camera works better with a rechargeable battery than with brand-new, super-powerful batteries that work so great in my other toys. The zoom is wonderful. The “night scape” is awesome. It picked up my glowing isotopes perfectly in the dark with no flash.

Zoom example:

Poor dog didn’t really want her picture taken. She’s a really fairly reserved dog, who shies away from people. I caught her licking her nose, and snapped the picture a second too late, so she looked like she was sticking her tongue out at me. Good thing dogs can’t Google themselves and find these embarrassing photos of themselves online.

The isotopes’ photo. You can see them glowing and the glow radiating from them on the left-hand side of the photo.

Yes, it’s perfectly safe for me to have those sitting out on my dresser top. These particular isotopes are only dangerous if you eat them, and if you’re that ignorant, well, I can’t help you. They do make an erie glow late at night when I wake up.

I’m still getting used to the side effects and behavioural changes from the increased dose of Cymbalta. I’m also still puzzled as to why I really need that. Why I was prescribed it. I noticed that I do not eat as much as before, I almost never laugh or smile, and I don’t make an effort to catch my favourite TV shows anymore. I feel like … a zombie. A living corpse. It really is worrying me, especially since I’ve noticed these side effects more so than others. I’m also sleeping much more. I’ve slept for eighteen hours at a time, when given the chance. That cannot be good.

Oh, and yesterday I finally got the new iPhone, the 4S. I haven’t played around with it much, other than to put the anti-glare screen protector on and the new Speck Candy Shell case.

That’s it for me! To all my readers in the USA: Happy Thanksgiving! I’m going to catch some more sleep until dinner time.

Fearing the Past

Echos — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 04:04:45 +0000

Today was not much of an improvement of my mood. I spent a good part of it working on a new theme, shut away from my family, as they played video games in the other room. I still feel pretty tired, and I’m going to be going to bed pretty early tonight. Early as in before 3am. Most nights I spend too much time working on themes or worrying about the past. Yes, I worry about things that have happened. I got thinking about the cunt today, and then realised that today is our 11th anniversary. Jannaversary. *pukes* Thinking of that made me feel incredibly guilty. If I had been braver, if I had not been afraid of Janna’s threats and empty arguments, I may have saved at least one other person from getting involved in the drama that is Janna St. James.

Or maybe delayed someone else from the heartbreak of deception.

Who knows?

It’s too late for me to be wondering “what if”.

There will be one change tonight: No more spammer’s comments will be allowed through. I’m going to start reporting spammers where they belong. Hopefully they will stay faaaaar away from my site for a while.

The Draconids Fell

Echos — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 23:44:04 +0000

Last night the Draconids fell. I wanted to stay awake until I saw the first meteor fall, but I dozed off some time after 10pm. It’s hard to stay awake when the sun is your only means of light. I was surprised that I made it to the camp site. The walk wasn’t that far, maybe a mile or so. Nick set up camp while I took Chloe to the lake to teach her to fish. That part was pretty fun. Chloe wanted to jump in the lake to catch the fish that way. We caught several fish, and brought them back to the camp site. Nick had set up the tent and put our back packs inside, as well as set up the three air mattresses. Chloe and I were going to share a mattress and he had his own, and Billy had the third.

Around 7pm last night I changed into my sleep shorts and a cami. It wasn’t as cold out as I thought it was going to be. The wind was cool, but I like being a little cold. The night sky was bright and I was eager to see the stars. Unfortunately, I fell asleep after dinner, and woke at 4am to look up at a sky of shooting stars. Maybe it was because we weren’t in the city, or maybe it was because I had just woken up, but the meteorites were just brighter. I watched as every few seconds another meteorite blazed across the sky and burned out bright at the end of its journey. The tiny particles of celestial matter glittered across the view that I had from inside the tent. Nick had left the rain shield off of the top of the tent, and I had almost all of the night sky to myself. With all of my fellow camper-mates asleep, it was as if the dazzling show was just for me. I enjoyed every second of it.

New Camera

Echos — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 03:03:40 +0000

Before I get to posting all that has been going down with life, I want to apologise to anyone who is having trouble with this site. I think I need to optimize the data bases and then do a clean install of WordPress. I noticed that my archives are missing, but people are still able to see the entries. I think I need to cut back on the Plugins.

Last night, Chloe lost her first tooth. She was just as excited as I was about this, and I told her that the Tooth Fairy would be bringing her something awesome in exchange for her tooth. I wasn’t sure what to get her. She talks as though she wants her daddy to come home. That’s something that just can’t happen. I was saddened by her request, and fell asleep fitfully, and partially in tears. I woke up late this morning and had to rush around and get ready for work, and to drop her off at school. Getting home later than I thought, since I had to stay an extra hour at work to grade mid terms that were today, I didn’t have time to pick up anything for Chloe. She really laid on the guilt trip about how the Tooth Fairy was a huge disappointment. I almost regretted telling her about it, when we were pulling into the drive way, and there was a box on the front porch.

Inside the box was a professional digital camera for me and a $50 iTunes gift card. Dennis had sent us a care box! I handed Chloe the iTunes gift card and told her it was from the Tooth Fairy. She gave me a big hug, and hurried inside to start downloading things to her iPod. Nice save, dear.

The new camera I have is supposed to have an 18x zoom, 14 mega pixels, Super Macro, and an HD video recorder. In other words, pure awesome-ness. I finally have a high-definition video camera! I have wanted a professional camera for so long! However, in the words of my friend Josh, there’s always the after thought that the reason my photos and videos suck has nothing to do with the camera I shoot with. Much like why my graphics and HTML is awful, neither Photoshop nor Dreamweaver and ultimately Creative Suite, did not help me any there, a professional camera will not help my photography and video skills. I am just neither creative nor talented in any of the five aspects that the more successful people online are. I have played around with the camera a little bit, and I was able to take a perfect panoramic photo with it, and some good Super Macro shots, some extreme zoomed shots. The quality of the images are a little low. I like the quality of my CoolPix better, but maybe I just need to play around with this one a little more.

The shapes of the photos are not like the CoolPix. They are a little more wider. I have some samples that I am going to post at the end of the entry.

I decided to test it out on the dogs and the boys as they played today. I also tested the zoom on the machine at the end of our back yard. There are so few photos that are actually good enough for me to post online. I can’t wait to try out the video recorder!

After Chloe got her iTunes downloads and I had played with my camera a little, I went out shopping to buy some new clothes for work. I bought three new blouses: a long-sleeved green blouse, a short-sleeved blue blouse and a pink mole-skin blouse. I also picked up two new pairs of jeans, three sizes smaller than I remember needing. I picked up all of this at JC Penny, and spent nearly three hundred dollars, but I enjoyed the shopping trip. I also picked up Chloe’s Halloween and Christmas bears while I was at the mall. I think the new clothes look good on me. I have to wash them soon, before my mother ties up the washing machine again. I always like to wash my clothes before I wear them the first time. I think I am going to look really good when I go to work next week.

The weather was so nice out while I was shopping. It should stay this nice out all the time. My sinuses were clear, the air was a bit chilly, but not ice cold, and the skies were clear blue. Tonight the stars are out dancing in the black velvet sky. I am not really sleepy, but I am going to bed soon. I want to stay awake and try out different patterns with my new clothes and have Nick take photos of me in them! But then what could I do with the photos? It’s not like I can put them online, my harasser would steal them. Well, maybe I could put them on Facebook…

Okay, on with the pics so I can clean up tonight and get ready for bed. I bought a new Asian cherry blossom and ginseng shampoo and conditioner set at JC Penny while I was clothes shopping, and I’m really eager to try it out, even if my hair is just ultra-short and spiky. I need to sit down and bleach my hair again. When my hair is this short, it looks better bleached. I don’t know why. Red hair just doesn’t look good spiked on me. I’m thankful that it has stopped falling out..

Randomness: Can anyone else tell that I had a pain-free day and I am happy to be alive? Well I did and I am. There are so many days that I have gone through with either chronic, everlasting pain, and/or sickness that all I can do is get up, go to work, come home, and lounge in bed for a few hours, interacting with my family from the bed. It was getting worse and worse, and then I broke my toe, and then today I had a good day. A good day and some sunshine!

Autumn Arrives

Echos — Sat, 24 Sep 2011 04:49:15 +0000

I worked on improving this theme, which made a brief appearance in 2008 during the Presidential Elections, for nearly four years. The theme was originally thought up in 2005 by my nephew and given to me as a MovableType layout in 2007. Except I was getting ready to merge to WordPress then, and, well, we all know that WordPress themes are nothing like the simple layouts we were used to making for the past eight years.

I want to thank everyone who leaves personal support and love for me here. I appreciate it. As for those of you concerned about the personality stealer (which is all that I will refer to her as), I don’t care what she does. If she wants to claim that she and I have the same interests and likes, that’s fine with me. I know that she does not, and in doing so, she isn’t impressing me or anyone out there because I don’t like myself in the state that I am. I feel there is room for improvement and nothing that she says or does will make that any different. It scares me a little to think that she feels that she is a perfect person in mimicking me, and I feel bad for the next person that she pretends to be, but what can one say? I’m annoyed about it a little, and a bit amused, but that is all. Again, thanks for telling me. I appreciate it.

I haven’t been feeling well these past couple of days. I don’t know what it is. I am going to try to clean things up around here and see if I feel any better. I feel pretty bad tonight. Bad enough that I flushed my supper down the toilet rather than eat it. I wasn’t that hungry anyway, and spent a good part of the day trying to sleep. I still feel pretty bad. Back pain. Leg pain. Calf pain. Head aches. I was put on Coumadin a few days ago, and since then I have been a little dizzy. I am thinking of going off of it. I also want to get my act together and see a doctor, even if it is the asshole that I despise, because I need some of my old meds back. I need them to get my life back on track. Or maybe it’s the idea that my mother has been living with us for a year now with no signs of moving out or reconciling with dad? That has always made me feel exhausted because she harps on everything I do, and she can always do so much better than me. On top of that all, she hates Chloe. Yes, she hates her granddaughter for two reasons: One, the girl was born out of wedlock (as if my mother was even married before I was born, and even then, I belonged to another man) and two, I “baby” her too much by getting her a pristine education, won’t let her walk and run the streets at night, and on Halloween I (GASP!) won’t let her trick-or-treat at the registered sex offended (pedophile)’s house! What the hell kind of mom am I, not letting a child who hasn’t hit puberty get molested?!

Okay, I’m being sarcastic and witty. Time to publish my post, close my browser and get to bed!

Reflections of My Past

Echos — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 04:52:48 +0000

It was brighter and cooler out today. There is rain on the way. The darker clouds cause a nagging pain in my back, but it was tolerable. I searched for things that I know I will never find. In the darkness, fumbling around, unsuccessful. I have been unsuccessful in working on new projects. I just can’t get inspired to do anything other than sit and look at the projects and wonder why I even started working on them to begin with. What’s the point? The sad thing is that I just have to add some final touches to them and they are done. But I can’t seem to find the strength to do much of anything anymore.

Looking back on the last week, I wonder if I have done the right thing. Then I have a conversation or two with my horrible mother, and I don’t look back. Not on what I did. Not at all.

Randomness: Paper Dragons