Dennis says that I have an addiction. That I keep buying these scented candles to live in a fantasy world. *laughs* Do I? Am I? He’s been home four days and already we’re butting heads. Or are we?

I picked out the daisy scented candle because it really smells like a field of daisies. The green, plantish smell that you can only get from a real flower. I loved it. I bought it yesterday while I was out getting his father presents for his birthday today. I have been battling a deep depression. One where the world is closing in on me, and all that I want to do is lie in bed and sob. I cannot find rhymes or reasons to continue anything, and I am not even working on my Paper Project journal or my work. The scent of spring made me feel somewhat better. I think I need some deeper help. The toughest psychotropic drugs there are, and take a few to stop the emotional pain caused by my mother. I watched an old tape of my mum in London, at a time when I was still with her, and I felt increasingly upset that I was not with her.

Dennis didn’t seem to understand my sadness. “Your mom is in the other room,” he told me. Is she? Oh, you mean the monster who bullies me to spend outrageous amounts of money on her and then calls me vulgar, filthy names? Who lies about me to her relatives? Dennis doesn’t understand how or why my mother’s family members and friends hate me before they even know who I am. That’s easy: She tells them ridiculous lies about me, for weeks, months, sometimes years, before I ever get to know them, takes situations out of context, and I have enemies that I don’t even know exist.

Such is life.

Oh, and I’m back on a cancer treatment program. So much for bone marrow transplants, huh?

As you were.

Chloe also made out like a bandit with some toys. A new Barbie doll family (Ken, Barbie, and a little sister), a pink Russ bear a shining star bear. We were kind of disappointed that the Shining Stars website was down. She really wanted to register a star in her own name. Maybe soon. Dennis picked out the pink bear. I picked out the Barbie dolls. While we were out shopping for her presents today (would you believe that we forgot about her physical birthday presents until the last moment????), I got a new TV for myself when I was out. I’m so happy that I can now watch TV again late at night.

After the presents, we took her to Six Flags (A decision was finally made), and luckily, she was allowed on the old Batman ride. Luckier than that, it didn’t get rained out. We also took a trip on the Tony Hawk ride, which were the two that I absolutely wanted her to tried. We all had a blast at the park, and then rushed to the hotel for the rest of the party. It was mostly family members, as always, because it was out of state, but this is the one big birthday party that she’s going to get for a while. So one can see why I am so tired! Plus, I’m going to have to gather up all the wrapping paper in the hotel room and put it in the trash, plus pack up at six in the morning so we can get on the road and get home in less than five hours. Fun! Road trips are always the best. I could travel for the rest of my life and be happy with it.

So that was Chloe’s birthday. She’s six years old now. I’m surprised that she was very generous to her little brothers today. She kept telling me that they couldn’t go on the Goliath (Batman) ride, so it wasn’t fair for me and her to ride it. I guess she didn’t understand that it was a special thing for us to share while her daddy took the little ones to the Kidzopolis ahead of us. My back was hurting after the Goliath ride, so Dennis took her on the Pandemonium (Tony Hawk ride), and mommy got to ride “sit on the bench” while I rubbed sun screen on the boys. Again, Chloe protested the ride because her brothers couldn’t ride with her. Dennis told me during lunch that we should have invested in a baby sitter for the boys, then as a second thought said maybe not because birthdays are meant to be family-oriented celebrations.

We saw fireworks from the balcony of our suite tonight. They weren’t in celebration of Chloe’s birthday, but we let her think they were. What’s the harm? The more she feels special, the better. I hope the next six years of her life are just as good to her as the first six years were. Health, happiness, life and love. She deserves nothing less.

My back is hurting again, so I’m going to sleep now. It sucks that I re-hurt my back, but I’m glad it was hurt on one of my all-time favourite rides and not from something lame like cleaning my house. :p

Steve got it right first! Be expecting 500 EntreCard Credits by tomorrow. New Macro Monday soon. I’ll try to make the next one harder.

Let’s see if anyone can guess the Macro Photo. Everyone else is doing this, so why can’t I? Oh, and there’s a sweetened deal: Get it right before Monday, when I reveal what it is, and you get 500 EntreCard Credits. So…. Can you guess what this is?

Hint: It’s an inanimate object that belongs to my mom.

This one looks like a little bat…

Scoliosis:

Bone spurs:

X-rays;

It’s also my friend Cedric’s 39h birthday, Happy Birthday Cedric!

Leave me some love in the comments. I’d like that.

Sleep tight loves. The world ia a beautiful place.

As for me, I’m worse than I was before. I’ve had to go through things that no one else should have to go through, such as filing a police report on my brother-in-law and then spending the next few hours being tortured by his mother and brother, demanding to know why he was in jail, and why wouldn’t I go get him. Are you kidding me? Yesterday he beat my face in. I may have a broken nose. Today he beat the shit out of little James and that’s where I draw the line. His usual excuse is that a demon possesses him, but I don’t buy that for one minute. He’s nuts. He needs help. He doesn’t need to be here.

Dennis was the first to call me. From San Antonio. Some place he’s not supposed to be anywhere near, but I overlooked that little detail. I always tend to overlook things such as my husband not being where he’s supposed to be. He gave me a hard time for having his brother put in jail. “He beat the shit out of your baby son!” “I don’t care if he crucified Christ on the crucifixion! I told you to take care of him and not let him get into trouble!” “What about how he beat me?” “You should be able to defend yourself!” Good. I’ll remember that.

The next person to call me was their mother. How could I do this? What was wrong with me! Her baby’s in jail and going to have a history now because of my lack of problem solving. Alright. That’s where I drew the line. I couldn’t figure out how to shut off my iPhone, so I shut it off by slamming it into the wall. When it’s in several pieces on the ground, it tends to stop ringing.

Shortly after that, I put on some slacks, some slippers, and snuck out of the house and down to the diner. I was hoping to see Byron there, but he was no where to be found. Guess he got busted. Mark hangs out there, and he’s a user and a buster. He’ll by dope off of someone, then bust them for possession. Nice cop.

How about some pictures?! They speak louder than the font on this page!

The bruise on my arm. I won’t upload the ones of my face, while I do have some, nor will I upload the pictures of my three year old, who has yet to stop crying because his uncle beat him up. But this was taken yesterday. It’s much darker now.

Gingerbread lollipop chocolates.

Chloe’s Christmas present.

Something a little extra for me.

I dug through my mom’s picture albums today, after the excitement died down and little James was sleeping soundly after his trip to the ED. I can’t help but wonder… I think I resemble my grandmother and her sister. It’s almost scary.

Like you’re even reading this!

I went out trick-or-treating with Matt and my kids tonight. I wasn’t going to go. My back is broken. I have bone spurs, bulging discs and scoliosis. To make matters worse, that has lead to arthritis in my back and knees because I walk funny. We went three blocks, hitting both sides of the street, and then came home. Chloe kept running ahead of us, and I was so afraid she was going to get hit by a car. Almost every house was dark, cars were zooming around with no lights, and the mayor turned the city lights off months ago to save money. Add that to the fact that we have no sidewalks here, and I only have two hands to hold onto James and Ashe, and you get the perfect recipe for disaster. A tragedy waiting to happen.

I don’t know why Matt didn’t hang on to Chloe better. Oh yeah. Because he was painted gold, which oxidized before we got half way done, and with all that body glitter, not to mention he was just wearing short-shorts, no shoes, in cold weather, he could barely walk! And he laughed at me because I was dressed like an alien, but walking like Frankenstein’s Monster because of my back problems. DW tagged along behind us, not saying a word. I don’t know if he was scared or worried or both. Pictures in my journal soon. I promise.

The boys turned three today. Has it been that long? Three years? James is completely potty trained, but Ashe can read better than his brother, though he still has accidents sometimes. The kids are in bed now because of sweet overload. Two cakes plus bags of candy is going to equal some really bad belly aches in the morning. I’m debating not sending Chloe to school, but she may have missed too many days already and be in danger of failing.

Dennis called me from France this afternoon. France! Whoa! We talked and it seemed he just wanted to yell at me. He told me no more giving Chloe lunch money. WTF? The girl needs to eat, right? Then he told me to hurry up and pay the credit card bill so the card is turned back on because he may need to use it Friday. I hate to say this, but he’s supposed to be home for Thanksgiving on Saturday, and I am not looking forward to it, if he’s just going to complain about all of the things I haven’t done. He also made it a point to complain about the car being in the shop because it broke down Friday and stranded me. I didn’t do it. The thing breaks down every time I drive it. I think it’s time for a new car. But what do I know?

My anniversary cake was delivered this morning, and I’m still getting pictures of it to put online. I have so many images to upload, it’s crazy. I’ll catch up. Eventually. Even getting up at 4am I don’t have enough hours in the day to get everything done. I’m starting to wonder if I should have gone on that fun trip or not.

We had a huge birthday party for my brother-in-law. Of course dealing with the in laws meant that I had to deal with the man that I dislike. Dislike. That’s a strong word. So is despise, hate, and detest, but those are words that accurately describe how I feel towards my husband’s older brother. The man follows me around like a horny puppy, expecting me to sleep with him and leave my husband and run off with him because he has money. Money doesn’t turn me on. Sure, it’s nice to have money and you can’t live without it, but my husband’s older brother has treated me fairly badly the past eight years of my life. He has mercilessly made fun of me. He let his insane girlfriend lie about me and torment me. He let her set me up to get photos of me to distribute on the internet without my permission. Most of what I dislike about him was things he allowed his girlfriend to do to me. Of course, he can’t control what she does, or what she did, but he had the choice to continue to communicate with her or cut her out of his life. He had the choice to not give her photos of me, especially digital photos that were easily distributed on the internet. He had many choices that he chose to make. Choices that he had to have known, that at the time, he was making a bad choice.

That’s just the stuff he did to me. Don’t even get me started on how badly he treated his son or how awful he was to his family members in the name of protecting and satisfying her.

Tonight he was different. He seems like a different person because he is no longer associating with his girlfriend. Now that she is no longer part of his life, it’s as if he’s tolerable. I still don’t trust him, but time will tell. I doubt that I will ever have the same relationship with him that I had a decade ago. I once thought that we could repair our relationship, but no. It’s changed forever, not for better.

But tonight I ate too much. I feel bloated. I feel as though all the weight I lost over the past couple of months was gained back in just one night of binging. There was Irish Coffee, chocolate cake, a baked chicken. I think I was the only one who drank any liquor tonight. I had four cups. I was stumbling as I walked out of the restaurant and to the car. Yes, I found my car and made it home just fine thanks. I some how managed to drive myself and my husband home, in thick traffic. It was warm tonight with a crescent moon and a single, lonely star in the sky. I think overall, my brother in law had a good birthday. I don’t know if he liked my gift because I left before he opened it. I just couldn’t stand his brother hitting on me, silently, all night long. That’s why I drank so much. It eased what I was going through. Maybe someday it won’t have to be this way.