I spaced a little on the whole Orientation Day. I started drinking at 10am, again, and didn’t stop until just a few minutes ago. My life is so much better when I’m living a drunken blur. Things just make better sense to me. Like this whole law suite against my ex employer, and my mother’s intentions, and the spell checker cleans up my horrible spelling from hitting about four keys at once while I am typing, so I feel like I am getting something done. I also upped my medicine to 100 mcg today because the pain is unbearable. I couldn’t even think straight when I woke up this morning. I don’t know how I got to and from the University, or even if I helped Chloe get her school supplies ready. I just know that I kept falling asleep and having those weird lesbian dreams that I have.

Maybe I will quit this in twelve hours or so, when I get through with my dentist appointment tomorrow, and have a little chance of sobering up. Get some more of my external drive cleaned out, and go from there. Wish me luck, kiddies. I’m gonna need it.

I think the reason I started hitting the sauce again is because I really dislike my job and life right now. My husband is gone until October, and then we’re spending our anniversary with him working that night. At least I am going with him. I don’t remember quite what he had in mind for the anniversary, but I think it’s something that we’re both going to like. Something like a three day vacation where we’ll both be happy. We’re going to spend Halloween there, too. My job sucks because I don’t want to spend my life as an Assistant Professor at the University that I spent three years of my life longing to get away from. I want to be back working in the morgue, where I was happy, working with DNA samples, gel runs, isotopes, and things like that. Speaking of isotopes, my burn is much better. It’s just slightly peeling past my elbow. I expect the peel to reach my finger tips before it’s through. That’s the price one pays for science. Or science mixed with carelessness and extreme exhaustion.

Ok, time for bed. Night, night kiddies. Here’s hoping that tomorrow doesn’t go so badly.

After the graduation ceremony, my mother hit me up for money. What. The. Hell. She only came to my graduation to ask me for money? I told her I didn’t have any on me, and she suggested that I sell my things again. What…? How many people have their moms come to their graduation only to have her demand money out of them? Yes, I think I am in a class by myself. She picked a fight with me. She told me she knew who I was married to. Good for you, you’re now in the same boat as 90% of the rest of the world. I was stressing. I was losing it. I slipped out of the auditorium, mooched a cigarette and from a group outside, and stood there in the canopy of the auditorium, watching the rain fall, as I blackened my lungs some more.

I didn’t hear Matt come out of the auditorium. I didn’t know he was there until he spoke. “I thought you quit,” he said. I shrugged. “I did,” I replied, taking another drag. “It was a nice graduation. You were third in the class,” he said. “Lance beat me,” I muttered. “His father is a doctor. And alumni of the school,” Matt replied. I scoffed. So because his dad graduated from the school and became a doctor, they should just pass the guy? I think I saw him all of five times in the three years I was in medical school. “I know I didn’t know you when you started, but I’ve seen you through most of the journey. I’m glad that you finished,” Matt said. I sighed. “Chris was supposed to be here,” I replied. “How many people made it through? Twenty out of a hundred?” Matt asked. “Twenty two out of one-seventy-five,” I replied. It was true. Out of the 175 people who had been in ‘freshman orientation’ in the fall of 2007, 21 of us made it across the stage that day. Most people had dropped out. The next largest group had been unable to continue their education due to finances. The next changed majors. Some had to leave. One person had died. Chris. “They’re still going to put his name on the wall,” Matt said. “Yeah. Right under Jess’.” I replied. We were quiet for a few moments.

“Look at that!” Matt said suddenly and pointed to the Eastern Sky.

Spread across the darkened sky was a bold, double rainbow. The sun had popped out in the western sky, yet the rain still pounded down on the Eastern horizon. “Do you know what double rainbows mean?” I asked. “Scientifically, I do,” he replied. I smiled. “According to legend, it means someone you love is saying good bye from beyond,” I replied. I didn’t go into the details of how I had been having nightmares about Chris, where Chris was mad at me. I didn’t understand those night terrors. I had done nothing to make Chris mad at me when he died.

We watched the rainbow until it dissolved into the darkened horizon. Matt snapped a picture of it with his camera (it’s terrible web-quality).

While the violent storms were going on tonight, I thought of that rainbow. I thought of the journey I have been on for the past three years. I’ve forgotten why I even came down this road. The job I loved is gone. The person I loved to do it with is gone. There seems no rhyme or reason for me to continue, or to even be here. But here I am. That window will open for me again. I just know it.

I think communication is not my strong point because people started piling in today, for my graduation. Here. In our house. Fifteen people who all assumed that they could crash here in our puny four-bedrooms-that-are-all-occupied home. We don’t have a couch anymore, and the floor is littered with boxes of movies my mom brought over for me several days ago. Movies that I am getting rid of on Listia.

So where are all these people going to sleep? They’re not like Dennis’ band mates and able to just tent out on the floor. Josh is complaining that he needs a mattress because his back hurts. James said the floor smells funny. Michelle…well, she doesn’t sleep on floors. Those are just the ones not being difficult. People are also expecting us to feed them. That’s not so bad because we had a ton of food here and they’re only going to be here for a few days, but shit… Where are all these people going to sleep????

Dennis suggested we give up our bed to Josh and anyone else who couldn’t sleep on the floor due to health reasons, but then my back would be killing me, and I wouldn’t be able to get across the stage tomorrow.

Who’d have thought getting a degree would be this hard?

Also, we’re close to the 500 comments. Who ever posts the 500th comment will get 500 EntreCard credits. So why aren’t you commenting already??

Anyway..

This week is the long stretch week at school. I have 31 pages of essays to write, including the test on Thursday, then an assignment on Thursday night and Friday’s assignment. We’re getting our final lab notebook Thursday and turning in the one we got on the second on that same day. Actually, we’re pretty pressed until May 7th, which is finals. It’s all over after that. No more schooling unless I decide to change my major. I’ll have the highest degree in my major. The road was long, but it’s come to an end. I’m a little sad. I’ve lost my way a little on the journey, but I’m glad that I stuck with it. I’m glad that I went through with it all. But mostly, I’m glad that I had friends to support me. Thank you.

Matt’s coming to visit me while my husband is away. It just dawned on me that this is our last week together until he leaves till the first week of March. Of course there’s always that chance that we may never see each other again, so we’re going to make the best of what time we have left. Yeast infections and all.

I will say that I love watching the ice through the orange barf glow of the street lamps. The glittering is so calming. To make matters better, the University is closed tomorrow, but I still have to get up and do an assignment, and then email it back to my professor. “Just because the University is giving you a day off doesn’t mean that I am. Anyone who doesn’t turn in the assignment by 9:50am tomorrow morning will have their final grade lowered a whole letter grade.” Wow. I log in to get the assignment, and it’s not there, so I email the professor. This is what I got back:

“Why do you students not talk to each other? I am NOT UPLOADING THE FILE UNTIL 9AM. YOU MUST BE AWAKE AND READY TO DOWNLOAD IT BY 9:05AM BECAUSE AFTER THAT, I WILL PULL THE DOWNLOAD!

And print out a copy and do a hard copy to bring to class on Monday. We’re behind schedule already.”

Geeze, teach, did they take away your mental pills or something? He’s the third person to give me a hard time today. I think it’s time to go slink off and take my meds and get to bed.