Archive for the ‘Depression’ Category
Hurting Heart
After yesterday’s drama, my heart is still hurting over this entire thing. Was it right of me to express my thoughts on this so harshly? I have a small sensation that there’s a snowball’s chance in Hell that I might be wrong in all of this, and this will be the one time this woman is not lying through her seamen-stained lips about her health.
Of course I think that every year. Every time she has another crisis. Every time another catastrophe happens.
I am the villain and the fool all in one day. I fall for it that easily.
I don’t know what I want. Either someone has cancer and they are sick, or I’m being told another tall tale. I don’t know which I would rather be the out come of all of this. I really don’t.
Ever since 2001 I have been the victim of lies online. I hate being the victim. A few years ago, I actually experienced this whole ‘someone being critically ill and dying at Christmastime’. It was one of the worst things I have ever been through, and I’d never wish it on someone else as long as I lived. Not even those who think that I am their “enemy”. Someone having cancer and dying around Christmas time is horrific. But lying about it makes people, such as myself and some others out there, who are telling the truth about their lives that much harder to believe. I shouldn’t have to publish my medical records, photos of myself hairless and full of needle holes just because some gold-digger wants her Christmas bonus this year.
These things also make me skeptical when I shouldn’t be. I shouldn’t be skeptical of people who are in real need of help because of what someone else is doing. But I fall into that category of “are you telling the truth?” when I’m faced with others telling me their hardships. How do I know for sure that they’re telling the truth and aren’t just using me for money? It’s times like this that I wish I were just as bad off and poor as everyone else. At least then I’d know for sure that I wasn’t being used for money.
But yes. I have regrets. I have a hurting heart. I have skepticism. There is a .01% chance that I am wrong, and while many other people would say that the only thing wrong I have done in all of this is not exposing this woman or that I continued to be her friend, even after over half a decade of lies at Christmas time, I can’t help but shake that bad feeling.
Someone kick me.
Out of Words
The problem with updating every day? Eventually, you run out of things to say.
Look around at the blog world. Everything has already been blogged about, just not by me, but I like to pride myself in having a site that is unique or the content on it is unique.
I’m sure people are sick of coming here, looking for something that I am obviously not providing. The lack of comments tells me that much.
No, I’m not going to get rid of this site. I love updating, I love the site. As long as I have the funds to run it, this site will remain. It’s become my passion. But there are times when I think it would be a good idea if I didn’t participate in the every-day-postings or it might be a good idea if I took a break from this blog.
When I first had a blog, I used to update every single day without fail, because I wanted to. I’d wake up every day, excited that I could share my feelings with the rest of the world. Now I wake up and dread that I have to update. My attitude towards blogging has changed over the past decade. I wish I could get that passion back, but I don’t believe I ever will.
All that aside, tomorrow is the anniversary of something big. No, not the beginning of winter, but something bigger. 
The Art of Letting Go
One of my character flaws that I’m not too proud of is the fact that I cannot let things go. Not just emotional arguments, but physical things. I freak out when I’m told that I need to clean out a closet or just stop dwelling on things. Sometimes I think about things for days at a time, and I get no other cognitive thoughts in my head. My doctor doesn’t think this is a problem. I just need to “stop”. It’s not that simple.
I know part of letting go with things is a part of the healing process and part of the forgiveness process. I still want to be the forgiving person that I set out to be last year, but it’s very hard to be forgiving in this day and age.
Part of letting go doesn’t mean that I need to delete my archives here or throw away my old journals and diaries at home. It means I have to stop daydreaming about what should be or what could be and focus on what is and what will be. The art of letting go is moving on to the next thing in my life, and I’m ready to move on, no matter what that next thing may or may not bring me.
Trapped
I did something today. Something I’m not particularly proud of, but at the same time, not particularly ashamed of. What I did, when I did it, I thought that I was doing the right thing at the right time. It just felt right. There’s a teeny part of me that wishes it had all pulled through, and I’d be on my way somewhere far away now.
I’m not going to go into what I did, but it wasn’t really the responsible thing to do. I feel trapped, yet again. I feel like things go wrong because of me. I feel like I am the reason people are unhappy and without me in their lives, they would be able to be happy. I’m not suicidal, but at the same time, I want to remove myself from the situation that has become my life.
The bottom line is, people are fighting around me, and I want to be happy, just as I feel they have the right to be happy. At the same time, I have a deep feeling that as a group, we can’t be happy at the same time or while we’re together. Yes, it breaks my heart that people choose to do this at the time of the holidays, but this is something that I feel is a long time coming. I feel this is my fault. I feel that people are unhappy because I am in their lives. And that is unfair, for both myself and them. Mostly, I feel guilty that I can do something about this situation and I have not acted.
So tonight, I tried to act. I tried to make things better. I wanted to make things better. But I was too late by about twenty minutes. I’m at the point where I don’t know what to do to make things better, now. This too, will pass. :\
Hostess
★
☆
comatised.com
on Google+
Countdown To Halloween!
NaNoWriMo
Click, Drop & Roll
Plurk
Visuals
