Nightmares are plaguing me again. I dream of being held against my will by someone I cannot see. It’s a person, I know that much, because they have the body of a person. Their voice is clear, and I understand the orders to stay in the corner or jump in the furnace. Up until last night, I stayed calmly in the corner, safe with my thoughts. Then, for some reason, I went through with jumping into the furnace. I dreamt of being in that steel house again on the ocean side. I dreamt of watching the water get close enough to touch outside my bedroom window. I watched the sun sink in the sky. Then the person appeared and pulled me down into the basement next to the furnace. Some of my personal items were thrown into the fire. It barked orders at me. Sit in the corner. Don’t touch the walls. Sit still for fuck’s sake. At the last order, I bolted directly into the fire. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. The flames were on all sides of me, yet I was not burning. I did not feel a burn. I seemed to be floating in the fire, waiting for the grande finale, when I woke up. My legs were hot, but that was all. I think I am coming down with a fever.
The bad dreams reoccurred when I took a nap. This time starting with me already in the furnace. I swam through the flames, waiting, wondering, searching. I don’t know what I was searching for, after all, what could be found in a fire? The fire was endless in all directions. There were no burnt smells. My hair, clothes and skin were not burnt. All I could smell was the fire. The scent of heat. Of flames. Waking up to the alarm on my phone, I took my medicine and quickly scribbled down the dream in my dream journal. How can I be in a fire yet not burning at all? It means something. It means nothing. It means everything. It’s just a dream. Just waves of my mind when I don’t want to concentrate on anything. When I am concentrating hard on one particular thing.
Looking out the west-ward window, there’s a brightly shining star in the sky. It comes around every March to remind me of something. It’s connected to the dream, but I don’t know how.
I’m feeling somewhat unwell today. Just the other night, I was throwing up and clutching the sink again. I wonder what’s wrong with me? Why do I do this? What can I do to stop it? I have been mainling ginger ale since I threw up the other night. Today, I tried to relax, but that was next to impossible. My arm was tingling again, but I don’t dare go back to the doctor to get it checked out. I don’t want to hear it. The night mares have come back. Mostly ones of me being deserted for long periods of time by my family. They were really weird dreams. I don’t want to have them again, as long as I live. :\ I woke up and wandered the house, wondering if I had been abandoned.
Falling asleep here, and I still have to wash up for he night. G’Night Every one!