Back in the fall of 1999, I was a college senior. I was going to graduate in May 2000 with a Bachelor’s in Telecommunications. However, that September, once it was too late to drop our courses, the company that was sponsoring our degree program went belly up, and we were all informed that we would not have jobs once we graduated in May. We had two choices: Continue and get graduate with associate’s degrees or change majors. Crushed, I looked through the other majors offered by the University, determined to get something higher than an Associate’s. I settled on Nursing. The school had a 100% NCLEX rate, and the degree in Nursing was a Master’s Degree. Looking back, I should have gone to a different University. The road through that nursing program was an easy one, and it was then that I decided that taking the easy road was not worth it to me. We were allowed to have notes and text books during exams, our instructors simply corrected us during skills check offs. We literally had nothing to learn. Two and a half years after I graduated from nursing school, I was bored with nursing, and tried to pursue a career in the chemistry field. Unfortunately, I needed a PhD to work in that field, and that is when I found out that going into the chemistry field was not the easy road.
I worked hard to get where I am now, and I am happy with who I have become. Not just academically, but spiritually and emotionally. I like me. I like me very well.
There are many people who will take the easy road in life. Whether it’s with their academic life, or with their own life. They are not doing themselves any favours. It’s easier to send out negativity in the world. It’s not so easy to be the positive light in someone’s life. That is how I want to see myself. The ray of sunshine in someone’s bleak life. The positive that makes up for all the negative that comes their way. For me, this makes everything better. The world is a better place because I am a better person. It’s worked more for me than any pill, drink, ever could. Being a good person: It’s the ultimate high.
Someone sent me a single yellow rose while I was in the hospital this time. No one from my real life is taking responsibility for it, so I assume someone from here or my journal sent it. Whoever sent it, thank you!
I got a little bit more information on what happened last night verses why Dennis refused to go to the hospital.
It turns out that he took the wrong medication and was having a severe side-effect from it. It was bad enough that he couldn’t function properly, but not bad enough for him to go in the hospital over. Good lord. I had a nice, big, fat needle of epinephrine waiting for when he stopped breathing. Needles seem to cure all of his ailments. But the whole thing still made me pretty mad.
After the fighting today, I set my mind to getting other things done, and guess what? I finished everything on my list! I even had a couple of extra things I had to do that miraculously got done! Of course, it was liberating tearing the sheets off the bed and throwing them in the trash. I hated those sheets. They’re over a decade old, but they’re falling apart. Didn’t I spend $500 on new sheet sets back in March? What’s the point of buying new stuff if you’re not going to throw out the old?
Oh, and yes, all is beginning to be forgiven.
My friends and family members are driving me crazy today. They seem to think that I am in some kind of trouble, and they want to teach me an “important life lesson”. It’s kind of backfired. Instead of being grateful that people care about me, I’ve resolved to never tell anyone anything again. No matter what. Not my mother, not my husband, not our friends, no one. Sure, that will probably seriously come back on me, and I may end up the victim of a serial killer, but at the moment, I really don’t care. I’d rather become and unsolved murder victim than to take more of the verbal abuse that I have been subjected to today.
I have reassured them that I knew what I was doing when I did it. I have reassured them that I thought this time of making a friend was different than the other times. It fell on deaf ears. I have been labeled “stupid” and “vulnerable” by people who are supposed to have my best interests in mind. I have been asked many times “how much was it this time?” by people who should not even have a say so in the entire ordeal.
Don’t get me wrong. I understand that many people are without caring people in their lives or people who really, truly care what happens to them, but I feel the people in my life have taken this into overkill, and I don’t like it one bit.
In accordance with my job, I have to have a physical and psychiatric evaluation. It’s pretty standard, but I have a bad feeling that it may go bad. I’m going to be honest: I am depressed and the medication that I am on is no longer helping me. I feel trapped. I feel isolated. I feel as though I am just a machine who is ordered to clean, wash, tend to the kids, and be ready for sex whenever it’s demanded of me. That’s no way to live. I hope when they do these tests, I don’t lose my job. I’ve worked hard to get where I am today. This is where I want to be. I don’t understand why I’m so unhappy, if that’s the case.
I have a flight in a few hours to go see my friends. I put in for three days off from work, from tomorrow through Monday. I’m happy to be going to the convention later on, but I am still uneasy about leaving home for the few days. The family therapist says I need this trip. We’re going to leave the kids in the care of my husband’s younger brother. Speaking of him, I had a very weird dream about him last night. It was knocked up a few notched of awkwardness when we were cleaning the bedroom out this afternoon. He was helping me make my bed, and my navy blue vibrator was tucked in the sheets somewhere. It tumbled out onto the hardwood floor and started vibrating. I grinned, grabbed it, and switched it off. “Um, I think I should take out the trash,” my brother-in-law said, and turned and left the room. I’d really forgotten that thing was in the bed somewhere!
I think I made some progress. I cleaned out my desk. I threw away some things that I have been holding onto for over ten years. They’re of no use to me anymore. I have more to go through, more to toss out, but for now, I feel as though I’m headed in the right direction. After I cleaned out the desk, I cleaned off the shelf above the desk. More stuff tossed out or put away. It’s empty now. A little sad.
Now it’s time to pack and head out. I will try to update, but there’s no promise. I want to take pictures, but for some reason, my camera cards won’t hold more than 20 pictures at a time. Is there something I’m doing wrong? They’re 8 and 16 GB cards and the pictures are 10 Mega Pixels. Advice?
Sorry about the downtime.
I don’t understand what is wrong with my site. If I get more than 500 hits per day, something breaks. I’ve never experienced anything like this before. Luckily, I saved the theme via DreamWeaver CS5. I wish I knew what was doing this to my site. It happened back when I used MovableType, and now it’s happening with WordPress. Guess it’s time to email my hosts again.
I’m still very unmotivated to do much of anything, other than sit around and think about what I should be doing. For the first time in weeks, the fitted sheet is completely off the mattress, and I have no motivation to fix it. I keep thinking about the up and coming meet up this Thursday, and I’m both nervous and excited. I haven’t saw my friends for almost a year, and I always wonder if things aren’t going to go well. What if someone doesn’t come because they’re mad at me over something extremely petty? What if someone who flat out dislikes me shows up? I know it’s a sign of abnormality to not go because someone there dislikes me. Though I can’t help but feel a little anxious. We’ll know in a couple of days, won’t we?
I Quit
I tried to help a friend out today, and I “went too far” and he got upset at me over what I did. WTF? I didn’t break the law. I didn’t put anyone in danger. Why am I the bad person? When I called him up with the stuff I had, he went bonkers and gave me hell over the phone. So you know what? I quit. I was a strong link in his little game, and I didn’t go any further than any other person in the game, I just had an advantage as well as I was able to get some more info, and I’m the one who is going too far? What…? The game is over now, I couldn’t win.
On a related note, I texted several of my friends and they didn’t get back to me. It’s like “You did it, bitch, now lie in it!” So whatever. I’m going to pop my pills and go to bed. Sorry for trying.
La maison Encore
One of the things about coming home after having a day away from the internet is that I have a lot to come home to. Thirty-seven emails that I had to reply to. Over five-hundred tickets. Not to mention the comments! 
Some loose threads; Megan deleted all of her sites. Even the laylastormz.com site is no longer registered. I wonder why that is? Couldn’t be that she was guilty, was it? Her other pages are still on the web, though. I’m sure another hate site written by someone who has been following my blog ‘for a long time’ will pop up and ‘expose’ me. I don’t know what’s there to expose; I don’t steal pictures of other people, I don’t fraud people out of money, and I don’t make up things about my life to put on the web. What would the point of that be? I’m sure Megan will lay low for a while, and then start her fake whore sites back up, and when she does, I’ll be there to kindly remind her that stealing other people’s money and prostitution and the promotion of adultery is not very Christ-like. 
Matt cleaned a little (or a lot, depending on what your definition is) while we were gone. He dusted and cleaned my computer, my TV, my desk, my dresser, the little case of drawers on my desk, my drive, and he even re-connected the DVD burner to the TV, so I can watch movies again! In his note to me, he said the Saw movies had to go. Why? *snickers* He also fluffed my pillows by leaving them in the dryer for an hour; they were flat. He cleaned the bedroom floor, and washed some of the sheets here. His note said that he can’t imagine how I live in the conditions that I live in. But for all the good he did, he erased my Palm Pilot. He said he was just going to charge it, but it was frozen on a certain screen and he said the only way to unfreeze it was to erase it. Which sucks because I had nursing software on there and my pharmacy apps. 
My birthday is coming up in June. If you want to get me something, my wish list is here. If you put a return address on there, I’ll send you a thank-you card after my birthday.
The Seth MacFarlane pictures are in my husband’s Flickr. So go check them out. They’re public as far as I know.
When my husband gets back from the bank, we’re going to go out to Doc Dan’s office and see what my test results are. I may or may not post them tonight. We’re going to get severe weather and you know me, I love to watch that. Smile! It’s a beautiful life!
Jamie aka: The being known as Wonder Girl, 30, mother of four, wife to one, she is a senior biomedicine student who is learning to fit in in the world around her. After nearly three decades on this planet, she still doesn't know where she belongs. Best friend of Matt, sarcastic, spoiled, apathetic, kutie brat, babe. Just your average woman, living in a not-so-average world, surviving by her incredible super power of being able to see right through you while
accomplishing more tasks than you ever thought imaginable. She is the being known as Wonder Girl and she is speaking, I believe. More? Aren't you brave!
