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Archive for the 'Friends' Category

Summertime Blues

Jun. 7th 2014

For some reason today I am sad. I don’t know what it is that is making me sad, I just am, and there’s nothing I can do that will stop it. I’ve tried a lot of things, from texting friends to watching TV, to playing with the kids, romancing with Dennis, vaping, shopping, and playing with the dog. Nothing made me feel better. Perhaps it’s because those words are haunting me. Or perhaps it’s because in a week I’ll be thirty four with nothing to show for it. Or maybe I just miss Los Angeles so much. I liked being near the ocean. It reminded me of when I was a child and the family would go up to New Jersey for the summer and we stayed in a house next door to Dennis and his family. When we got to both be teenagers, we’d sneak off and practically have sex. Up until I actually had sex the May before the family went up to the East Coast, I never went much further than fondling, but that summer Dennis got his first blow job. I was quite proud of myself. I made a man cum. I’d never been able to do that before, that I knew of.

That summer excited me. We’d switch off on who got oral sex every night. I never tired of it. I wanted it constantly, both giving and receiving. I liked being excited. I liked being in control of both myself and Dennis’s penis. I also learned how to control Dennis that summer. If he pissed me off or didn’t satisfy me the night before, I’d refuse to suck his dick and he’d shower me with love, affection and gifts until I was in a better mood and would actually go that far. I think we fell in love that summer. When we met up back there three years later, and I was upset over my fiancee dying, I was the one who initiated the sex that made our daughter, Poetry Rose, not Dennis. He offered to hold me all night long after hearing the news of Peter’s passing. I didn’t want that. I wanted control and sex.

That was the last summer we spent on the East Coast in that beach town.

The town is condemned now. The houses are all either burned to the ground or leveled. The sea wall is crumbling and will soon give in to beach erosion, washing away the sand that I played in as a child and teenager. When my doctor told me how sick I truly was, back in March, Dennis offered to take me back to that beach town. He said we’d rent an RV and stay on the beach, just the two of us, like when we were children. I know he meant well, but I told him that would just upset me, seeing the way things were and never were going to be again. I always said that I’d go back to that town with my own children. There’s no cell phone service there, even. It’s not on any maps. When we went there last summer to look at what had happened to the place, FourSquare didn’t recognise it.

I should be excited. I should be happy. We’re going on a road trip on the sixteenth. We’re going to Queens, New York, house hunting. Then we’re traveling to Texas for the same reason and finally Los Angeles again. I should be super excited to be going on another road trip. I usually am, but I just can’t get out of this funk that I’m in.

I see the sunshine, the deep, dark green grass, the bright green  leaves, all traces of winter have gone away, the world is making its way to summer. I should be looking forward to water parks, road trips, picnics, the Fourth of July Blog Meet Up in New York City, seeing my friend James, fireworks, jarflies singing, fireflies sparkling in the night, starry night skies, a wave pool. Summer has so much to offer me, and yet I cannot smile. I cannot even find any excitement in any of that stuff.

I wish I knew what was wrong with me.

Being An Adult

May. 23rd 2014

I went grocery shopping by myself today. More independence. I love it! In the last three weeks, I have become more independent than I have ever been in my entire life. I never dreamed I’d be doing some of the things that I have been doing.

Today was my last day of work until July. In the month of June, Dennis and I are going house hunting in California, Texas, and New York. We don’t know where we are going to put down roots next, but we’re going to be searching. I’m not sure where I’d like to live. I’ve heard good things about all three places, but I don’t know if I like the idea of leaving my job forever, uprooting the kids, and leaving my parents behind. I guess that’s all part of growing up. I’ve done so much growing up in the last few weeks than I have in my entire life. Being an adult, for me, has been quite the adventure, I love every minute of it!

Chloe’s discharge papers were signed by me on Monday (I think that’s the day I signed them, it’s been so long, I’m sure I’ve forgotten the exact date. Eh, I’m human). The hospital has been promising that she’s going to be released any day now. First it was the major infection that was coursing through her body. Then her electrolytes were messed up because she had been throwing up so badly from the antibiotics used to fight off the infection. Recently, it was her potassium was out of whack. I was invited to a movie premiere in Los Angeles for the Thirtieth, but if Chloe isn’t out of the hospital by the Twenty-seventh, I am not going. I can’t abandon one of my little ones and go off and have a good time. I just can’t do it. I don’t care how famous the guy is, I know why he invited me and not Dennis, and quite frankly, I’m insulted.

I’m going back to work in July for the second semester summer school. I’m excited about that. I really want to start saving up the money for our move sometime next summer. I’m unsure about moving. On one hand, I’m ready to be independent away from my parents and their constant drama. On the other hand, moving clear across the country scares me. I know I can do this, I know that I am ready for a change, I just don’t think I can handle a big change like this. It’s time that I grew up, even if it’s just a little bit.

Next month is my birthday. In fact, it’s in about three weeks. You may want to think about buying me something. I’ll love you forever if you do. :) I’ll be thirty four years old. I’m getting pretty old. I don’t feel or look my age. But just to be sure, you’d better buy me lots of stuff for my birthday. Never know when I’ll have another one! I’m looking forward to my birthday. As always.

A Decade Ago

May. 19th 2014

On this day in 2004, I became the foster parent of my nephew. Everything was legally set up, and he began high school in the fall of 2004. There are days when I miss him incredibly. I find something on the web, or I want to tell him that he is safe now, the monster has died, and I can’t, because he already beat her to it. Today is a celebration. Tomorrow will be the five-year anniversary of my oldest daughter’s death. Cancer has taken so much away from me, but it hasn’t taken away my ability to love, care and hope.

That being said, my nephew was the one who helped me design and set up most of this site. With him gone, and with the change of hosts, I don’t know if I can get it back to its original state or not. Have faith in me, for I am a learner and I want to learn to get this website fixed and back on track. At the same time I don’t want to have it as cluttered as it once was. Just my content, thanks, and a few buttons, a FB like plugin, and so fourth. Right now I am working on wrapping up work for the semester and Chloe’s healing. I wish that I had the time and interest to keep the site pristine, but one has to have next to no life to do something like that. :D I mean that in the nicest way possible.

Yesterday I went and had time with Chris. No one else goes there, it seems. I keep expecting to see fresh flowers or a plant or something that proves that other forms of life have been there, but there’s nothing. That’s a shame. Chris was such a wonderful person that it really makes me mad that he is ignored in death. Maybe this is because people think that he killed himself. I remember when Rachel first died people thought that she had killed herself too, but she really hadn’t. Then they started leaving little trinkets at her grave.

Last, but not least, the LJ Cross posting plugin no longer works since LJ changed their software. I don’t know if I’ll be bothered to cross post there anymore or not. I really want to because I don’t want to ignore the people who care about me there, but I already have four blogs that I tend to. A fifth one just seems excessive. Or I could cross post the same thing to all five blogs. That would make for an interesting internet!

So now it’s time to stop goofing off and make some more CDs, drink some more Very Berry juice drink, and just chill out waiting for Carl to get sick of grading papers so that I can take over and make for an interesting day at work. There are no students here, so I have no lectures to be at all week. We professors have to be here until Memorial Day or later. Sucks.

Posted by christina | in Adventures, Family, Friends, Work | Comments Off

Chloe's Sick

Apr. 18th 2014

Chloe’s in the hospital. She’s going to be in there over Easter. This is the first Easter I’ll have to go through with my baby sick in the hospital with a bacteria infection. The bacteria is all through her. They have it under control with antibiotics, and she’s expected to make a full recovery in two weeks. But I don’t want to wait that long for my baby to get well. I want her well now. I feel bad about going shopping and buying new clothes and makeup while my daughter was getting sicker and sicker. I feel like I have neglected her. For the first time in my life, I truly feel like a shitty parent. I hated that we had to leave her at the hospital. If she were in her right mind, she would be scared to death. She doesn’t like to be away from her family for long periods of time.

When I came home from work today, I noticed that Chloe was in bed, asleep, but she hadn’t changed into her night shirt or any pajamas. When she’s somewhat sick, she changes into her sleep clothes so she won’t get her school clothes or other clothes “sick” as she calls it. I put away the stuff I had bought today and went to check on her. Her fever was 103, she could barely open her eyes and she was talking in partial sentences. So I loaded her up in the car and took her to the emergency room. I didn’t even tell Dennis where I was going or why. I hurried all the way to the ED, Chloe was asking where we were going, multiple times, and each time I answered her as best as I could. I kept telling her that everything was going to be okay. Or was I telling myself that?

After three hours in the ED, Chloe was moved to a room, where she will spend the next two weeks. I tried to make it a little more cheery by opening the window shades and turning on Cartoon Network. I even left a note for the nurses that Chloe could watch Adult Swim tonight if she feels up to it. I picked up a teddy bear and a stuffed labrador puppy from the gift shop and brought them to her so she would feel like she was surrounded by her stuffed toys from home.I also picked up a colouring book, a little notebook, a pack of pens, some cross word puzzles, word search puzzles, a book mark, some lollipops and a bottle of hand sanitizer I left all the goodies with her when I left tonight.

Chloe was in better spirits when I left. She said that it was okay for me to go back home, and she would see me again tomorrow. I hesitated and she said that Zinnia needed me, and the boys were probably in her stuff. I laughed slightly at that. I think with all the emergency antibiotics they pumped into her, she’s already feeling a little better.

Chloe’s going to be fine. She just has to be separated from her family for a full week She’s mostly scared and weak, but the doctors joke that this place.

Any ideas on what else I could bring Chloe to brighten her stay in the hospital?

Posted by christina | in Adventures, Almost Wordless, Coping Mechanisms, Family, Friends, Kids, Life | Comments Off

Playing For The Weekend

Mar. 28th 2014

No MAC review. Sorry to disappoint. I have plenty to review, I just don’t have it all yet. Yes, there are more orders coming in and I hope they get here before Monday. Tuesday at the latest. I want to review them all in bulk and be done with it. I know I’m no good at applying or using cosmetics and I don’t pretend to be. So I’m probably using 90% of these things wrong.

My new site is going swimmingly. Heh. Get the reference? Anyway, I’m getting decent traffic there. I was informed that I got over 1000 visitors to this site as of late. I was even asked what my secret was. It’s simple: Be real. People love to relate, and I am no exception. I can relate to many people, and they can relate to me. I also have a new Flickr account going. So add me over there! Lots of pix of me, my adventures, my work, my co-workers, and my family. It’s so liberating, having this new freedom, knowing that my good stuff isn’t going to be ripped off by some hairy-assed, pathetic bitch up north. I’m sure you’ve all read my rant on her though. No need to rehash that here. ;P

Work was interesting. We’re writing the final exams for the year, and I’m stuck on the third question. I wish we could write Seth MacFarlane song questions and astronomy questions. I could write a novel of questions on those subjects. I love them so much. But we’re all stuck on the third question! All the professors! It’s like that is going to be the death of us, either we get something that’s completely Mickey Mouse and give it as a free question, or the exam just be two questions plus the four essays. I say we stick to the original twenty question exam, but we’re all stumped! It’s so funny.

I’m glad it’s Friday. No more rushing around, no more getting up at the crack of dawn. We get paid on Tuesday, so I’ll be able to go shopping with my money. More MAC stuff? We’ll just have to wait and see! I really want to get some more Lipglass since the writing is rubbing off on mine. It just doesn’t look authentic without the writing on it. I know, OMG, how will people know I’m using MAC?????!!!! Haha. It’s just the idea that they made a shoddy product. My MAC labels don’t rub off on the other stuff that I have.

I think I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight. My tee shirt is down to my knees now. I know that I shouldn’t have lost any more weight, but with the diet I’m on, it’s pretty easy. I eat mostly salads these days, and I feel better about myself.

We’re going bowling tonight, Dennis and I. We might pick up Matt if he wants to go. Possibly Michelle and Lance. I hope not, though. I’ve had enough of Lance that I can stomach. I know that’s mean to say, but it’s the truth. The truth hurts some times. Right?

Life Is Good

Mar. 6th 2014

Finally, a clear night! I can see the stars tonight! It’s also kind of cool out, so I’ll need my coat.

But to see the stars again… That is amazing.

My site is running slow. I apologise for that. I don’t know if it’s my internet or the site, but it was slow getting my page to open.

I hurt my foot with a splinter this afternoon. I tried to sleep it off, but it still hurts like hell. The splinter wasn’t even that big! It was kind of square. I’ve been limping pretty badly since then and that’s causing my back to hurt. I’m off the patches forever this time, so I can’t take a patch or a pain pill. I’m wondering if there’s not more wood in there that I missed. It’s in a pretty awkward place on my foot that was really hard to reach, so I can’t exactly see it very clearly. It hurts like hell, I can tell you that.

Lance, Michelle and I had our meeting today. If I desperately needed the money I’d go back to working for the medical examiner. It pays about $5,000 per month. My job only pays about $2,500 per month, half of what I was getting by sitting on my ass making electrophoresis gel runs all day long and running the DNA through the gel. I miss doing that. I could do it with my eyes closed and I was good at what I did. But there comes a time when you have to do what is right, no matter what anyone says. I’m glad that we can work in the forensics fields again, but I have no desire to go back to work with Lance and Michelle. Especially Lance who called me to death the last time he worked with me. In teaching I feel that I am giving something back to the community. I feel that I am making a difference in how people operate in the medical field. I know that I leave impressions on the minds of my students, just like the professors I had left impressions on me. I often get emails and comments from students that I was their favourite professor at the University.

Lance and Michelle probably need the extra income. They’re supposed to be getting married sometime in this lifetime, and with Lance having Huntington’s, Michelle would need the extra income to take care of him some day when he became very ill. I don’t have that much time left to work. Probably a year and a half at the most. The last doctor I saw said I had a year and a half to five years life expectancy and I want to leave something behind for my children to fall back on in case Dennis’s book career and writing specialty doesn’t go so well. Although his last book sold pretty well. I still feel that the doctor that made that diagnosis was wrong; I feel great. I don’t feel like I’m about to die, so maybe that was a misdiagnosis. A mis prognosis? Ha ha.

Smile! Life is good!

Posted by christina | in Adventures, Cancer, Family, Friends, Work | 1 Comment »

Something NU

Mar. 5th 2014

I’m transferring files, mostly WordPress Themes, over to my new domain. Don’t worry, I still have a few months here, so I’ll make the best of it while I’m here. I just need a change of pace, you know? something new, something NU. Ha ha. Get it? No? Oh well. It’s taken hours to transfer all of those files over to the new domain. I wish it didn’t take so long and that I knew how much longer I had to wait. I’ve made a DVD, ate dinner, had three shots, all of this since I got home and started the transfer.

Can you tell I love to talk about geek stuff? I could talk about my pages and times on the web all day if I had nothing else to talk about. But there are other parts of my life, and I have to split it up equally.

In the mean time, Zinnia has started babbling more. She’s walking now and talking somewhat plain. I can understand her. Chloe can’t understand her, but Chloe is very impatient with her little sister. I often wonder if having another baby was the right thing to do. We didn’t exactly plan Zinnia, but we love her very much. I could have terminated the pregnancy, but I chose to keep my baby. I believe that choosing to keep your baby is just as important as choosing to abort or adopt out your baby. It’s still a choice, and one that Dennis and I made together. But something just doesn’t sit right with Chloe and the new baby. It’s been almost a year now, and they just don’t get along. I don’t know why.

It’s supposed to snow tonight, so no star gazing for me. I wanted to go out and see the stars tonight, too. Instead there’s a cold rain falling down on  the rooftop. I can hear it so clearly, yet no one else here can. It drives me nuts sometimes, the constant patter of rain on the rooftop.

My friend, James, sang to me over Skype tonight. I don’t know why I felt the need to mention that, since it was so private and intimate at the time that it was happening. I really enjoyed it. Sing to me and I’ll love you forever. Smother you with hugs, kisses and huge tits. *giggle* If you want, that is. I really have a thing for musicians, I can’t explain it. There are some that I just can’t stand, but the majority of them I just want to screw their brains out, you know? Maybe you don’t. I just really love singing and hearing songs that aren’t available on iTunes. Something private and just between us. I was surprised that James would sing to me. He’s supposed to have this better life these days, but something keeps him coming back to me. I guess deep down I love him too, but it’s one of those things that just isn’t meant to be. Love is something special. It can’t be separated or forced. And I love my life that I have now. I assume that he loves his life too. We could never be together. Not in a million years.

Posted by christina | in Adventures, Among the Stars, Family, Friends, Journal, Kids, Life, On My Mind, Sex | Comments Off

Missing the Night Sky

Mar. 4th 2014

Being on insulin has changed me. I check my blood sugar more often now, and I’m rotating my meters. The place that I keep them is a mess. I keep promising myself that I am going to clean up the bedroom, but then I get distracted. I’d rather be updating this site or writing than cleaning off the shelves where I keep my meters and medication, or cleaning out the desk. I really need to do both, though. It’s just that cleaning is so boring. There’s so much more fun things to do than clean off shelves, clean out a desk or sweep a floor.

We curbed Iha Baby last night for the vet to pick her up today for her autopsy. While Dennis and I were dragging her out the front door Zinnia waved and babbled “bye-bye doggie!” She even waved. It reminded me of when Chloe was three years old and her cousin, Jess, died. I don’t think she realised what happened other than Jess left us forever. Sometimes she talks about wanting to see Jess in Heaven, asking if Heaven is some place she can visit. Even to this day, Chloe talks about visiting Heaven, as if it’s a town down the road or something. I think she was especially close to Jess because Jess was her baby sitter for so long, they bonded.

Tonight is a clear night for a change. I tried to see the stars from the bathroom window since it’s the only window we have on the west side of the house that I can get to right now (Dennis is on the land line and blocking the kitchen window on the west side of the house), without an awning blocking my view. I saw the moon, but no stars. I miss seeing the stars at night. I want to go out some night and just gaze through my telescope at the night sky until I’m too tired to stand up any more. That probably won’t take long knowing me, but at least I’d be able to see the stars for a change. I spend much of my night alone with Zinnia. Maybe some day that will change, but right now, it’s mostly alone for me. I really should get back into spending time with friends, going out. I haven’t done much of that since Zinnia was born almost a year ago. Although I am meeting Michelle and Lance on the 6th for our “do we really want to go back working for the Medical Examiner” meeting, I feel as though I am essentially alone. Chloe does her thing alone and usually only comes around when she wants nail polish or for me to fix her hair. The boys entertain themselves, and all I have is Zinnia and Ziggy, mostly because Ziggy is lazy and wants to sleep on my soft bed and Zinnia can’t walk away yet.

Lonely, oh so lonely.

I start to think about what happened to me. Why am I so alone all of a sudden? I got my wish, my husband is home now, he could take me out at night or I could go out with friends. He certainly goes out with friends every once in a while. I don’t even call my friends anymore. It’s as though since Zinnia was born I have crawled into a shell and not come out. I haven’t gotten sicker, that I can feel, but I am pushing people away. I’m certain that my friends would love to hear from me, other than facebook updates. Since starting insulin, I have holed up even more. It’s as though I am ashamed of being on the medicine. What is there to be ashamed of? I didn’t get this way from being morbidly obese, not that being fat would be shameful, but I think some of my friends are that shallow. I’m afraid to go out for very long because I have insulin to take morning, noon, night and bedtime. I keep a strict schedule all of a sudden. A schedule with no “me” time.

In the meantime, I am buying professional themes and wasting money left and right. Dennis is going to kill me when he gets the credit card bill this month. But it was all worth it.

And the dog is laughing at me.

Valentine's Day Gifts

Feb. 14th 2014

So here are the physical gifts that I got for Valentine’s Day. I really liked them all, and I am really fortunate enough to have a husband who is not too proud to go into jewelry stores and buy me things. Like the entire Open Hearts Collection from Tiffany’s!


Or the Godiva teddy bear with candy:


Maybe getting the diamonds re-set in  my wedding band:


I think I’ll make a bold move…

Do I really dare to wear that outside of the bathroom???? I know what my doctor said, but I think we’ll make our next baby tonight. ;-)

I hope your Valentine’s Day was just as fun and fun-filled as mine was. I’ll write about the Sock Hop tomorrow night. I’m just so tired from all that dancing and singing and more dancing. I think Justin is just as tired. We won second place in the dance off, and more people cheered when Dennis and I were singing than at the entire Sock Hop.

One of the better things that I got for Valentine’s Day was a song Dennis sang exclusively to me, in our bedroom. I really married my best friend when I married him! He’s happy with me working, he’s happy with the house being a mess, because with four kids plus a senior citizen, there’s no way this place could possibly stay clean. So I just don’t try. Why bother? I missed so many of PoRo’s milestones scrubbing the bath tub, washing dishes, vacuuming, and taking out trash. I’d rather have the memory of the boys’ first loose teeth than the thought of me lugging heavy bags of trash out to the curb. I can’t believe I used to rush home to wash dishes, clean floors, clean a bathroom and chuck trash outside. What was I thinking?! I have more fun these days and I don’t have to worry abut that is getting done or not.

So I’m tired and heading off to bed. Here’s hoping that I don’t sleep too long tomorrow. I have a lot of writing to get done this weekend. Plus I may opt to teach in the summer. I think that would help keep my mind off of that bad bill of health I got the other day. I’ll touch on that tomorrow. I wish things were better, but it just doesn’t seem to be that way. Pray for me,


Jan. 25th 2014

In celebration of 2000 posts, I am writing about the years that match up with the post numbers. This post is about the year 2001.

The year 2001 was the year that I really took off with posting, blogging, and writing online. I was a member of an online forum that encouraged people to write online. I was given this domain in January 2001, and I set up Blogger on it in April. By June, my one year blogging anniversary, I set up Greymatter (remember that?) on the site and used it through out the year.

In July 2001, I remember going to a blogging convention with other bloggers, a meetup if you will, in New York City. The odd thing was that I chose the game that year, and it was to race to the top of the World Trade Centers. Sick with cancer, I was unable to finish the race on my own, and a couple of my blogger friends carried me to the top of the South Tower. I remember looking down from that tower and saying, “Imagine having to jump from this building,” My friend James said that could never happen. I won’t go into why that was somewhat … wrong.

In December 2001, I outed my first faker. A man using my images to represent his wife online. He was also using my blog entries as her own and had fooled several of my real-life friends into thinking his blog was really run by me. The scary part was he had come to my home town to photograph me in my every day errands so my friends really thought that it was me writing the blog. He screwed them out of money, support, and when this all went down I got flames and threats from my real life friends via the internet that I was a liar and a phony. It wasn’t until I confronted them in real life and over the phone that they realised that it was me they were flaming.

2001 was a banner year for me. If there was a year I had to relive, I would pick 2001, despite the fact that I lost one of my best friends in the entire world in the September 11th attacks. It was a time when my writing flourished, when I was finally acknowledged for being the writer that I had always wanted to be, and a time when I felt comfortable with writing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I was comfortable with writing, comfortable with myself, and comfortable with my life. I long to be that comfortable again, because my 21 year old self was far more confident than my thirty-three year old self is today.


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