☆ comatised.com | february stars ★ » Friends

The Lite that Has Lighted My Life

Echos — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 03:31:18 +0000

When you discover someone isn’t as sincere as they’ve always said they were, you start to wonder, and question everything they have ever told you. If you’re me, you will figure it out the hard way: At the moment that you need them, they are “busy, don’t call me” when you need confirmation where they are so that you’ll have somewhere to go then, they “forget” their own address. But I needed them now. Not in the morning, now. Not when things cool off, now. Not after the doctor’s appointment, now. Not when it’s convenient for them, now. Hey, they’ve always said that you are always welcome, right? I had no idea that the welcoming of friendship had blackout time slots like frequent flier miles. It’s only okay to want to make good on that when it’s convenient for them or when they need something from you (money, expensive items, etc). The only good thing that I can say that came out of yesterday was that the one person who really does care about me, and was not lying when he said he loved me, was able to talk me into not going ballistic and telling the Idiot Gang who someone was, before sealing my own fate. He didn’t say “don’t call me” his only reply was “Can was FT about this? I want to see you.” I want to see you. No one else has ever said anything like that to me. I have conversed with many people online before, and never has any of them asked to video chat with them before.

There I sat, tears streaming down my cheeks in the barely lit room, reading and highlighting pill books and doing bio-chemistry conversions. The master plan, so to say. He didn’t talk about what I was doing, or why I was in the state that I was in. The sheer urgency of needing a light at the end of the tunnel told him the bad parts of the story, so he didn’t have to ask. He convinced me to call a family member in Las Vegas, or that was their last known whereabouts eleven days ago or so. So I called. A familiar but unidentified voice was on the other end of the line. I asked for my family member and there was a pause then, “Oh, he’s already left. I’m sorry.” Before the “sorry” was ever there, I had fresh tears pooling in my eyes. The sure thing, the one who would care for me no matter what, was already gone on to who knows where. I had thrown out his number before hand, so I couldn’t call him.

Feeling trapped I said my thanks and was about to hang up with the man on the other end of the line offered to take a message. “Do you have [his] number?” I asked. “Of course. But I don’t know who you are, so I can’t give it to you. It’s not my place,” he replied. I felt somewhat relieved. While I was giving the info to him via a speaker phone, my friend James was telling me things through FB to ask. Under any other circumstances, it would have been pretty funny. The guy on the phone asked me who was there, and I said I was chatting with someone through a video, and he replied, “You’re not crazy love, I can hear him too.” I had a feeling of who I had on the line, but I had to ask, and I was right. I felt a little embarrassed about calling his room, upset and thinking horrible thoughts, but I wanted out so badly. We finished up the call, he wished me well, I thanked him, and returned to my video chat. James hit the nail on the head when he asked me who it was by name. I saw his eyes light up. “Why don’t you go live with him! And bring me with you?!” Another thing that would have been funny under different circumstances.

I came to many conclusions last night and tonight. One of them is that I know who I can count on. I know who really loved me. The sad part is that I am not as smart as I thought I was. I thought I would never be taken in my another Roxanna again, and it’s very clear that I have been. She used to promise me hope of deliverance from my domestic violence situations, and then never fully able to go through with it. I didn’t need food. I didn’t need money. I needed companionship, someone to tell me that I was not alone. Someone to tell me that everything was going to be alright and that they were going to be there for me through it all. Looking back at those messages, I have to wonder if I was conversing with Roxanna again. Did she change her voice again? Where is she getting those devices? They all sound like different women, but they use the same sentence structures, same words, same phrases and life stories that she presented to me eleven and a half years ago. How does she keep fooling me off of the computer? Will she ever give up? What is so important that I have that she wants? If she just tells me, I will gladly give it to her for her to leave me alone forever. I am no longer even interested in keeping a record of her lies online anymore because I want her to leave me alone. I won’t even white knight for her future victims anymore. Discover the bitch like I did. Carry on the torch as I tried to. Just. Leave. Me. Alone!

In the mail this afternoon, I received a plane ticket to New Jersey. Do I want to go? Not especially. I can bring along the little ones, but only one carry on luggage each. The tickets are one way. There’s no turning back once I do go. I have faith in James, though. I know if I go to him, he will really be waiting for me at the Newark airport. He will really take me to his place. I won’t end up lost and wandering around alone somewhere down Texas way, with no way to get to even an enemy that I know down there. Not that they would help me, but it would be a familiar face. Maybe there’s a lesson to be learned from all of this, but I have to say that I should have learned it a long time ago when I first caught Janna in her lies and then caught Roxanna in similar lies. But I fell for it. Maybe it’s my weakness that every human has a heart and compassion for another human being in help, though I know many who have turned a blind eye to me since childhood.

James put a light at the end of the tunnel that I was in. I didn’t know if it was a train or the sunshine, but I could see a light and that was all I wanted to see. It was all I needed. I’m happy that he gave me that hope and didn’t just push me away when I reached out for help. Even if he had not sent me any tickets anywhere, and just conversed with me last night, not shooed me away because his mind and heart were on other things, I would have been just as grateful. I’m saddened a little that I did not marry James when I had the chance, but that’s just one of a thousand regrets that I am going to have to live with.

It Felt Like Springtime

Echos — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 00:07:20 +0000

It was beautiful out today. It felt like spring time in January. The wind was a little strong, but I loved it anyway.

I didn’t venture out, but stayed inside with the windows and doors open, letting the warm breeze sweep though the house, cleaning out the dirty air, and replacing it with fresh air. The zing zing made working on anything a little harder. I feel like my foot is swollen, but I don’t believe it is.

With all the good things that happened to me today, I am still dreading next week and the start of dialysis. Dialysis is what caused the septic infection that eventually led to Jess’ death. His body couldn’t fight off the infection, so the doctor did not supply any antibiotics. They went ahead with the transplant, though. Smooth move, doc! There’s that tiny thought in t he back of my mind that I may or may not end up like Jess. In so much pain from sepsis that I swallow too much codine or too many Percs and I don’t wake up. Champ offered to bring me over some barbs. No thanks. I have enough to worry about, with how I could fight off the pain, should I get an infection.

All that being said, I am excited to get the first dialysis over with, because that means I can board the plane to the Golden Coast and nothing will stop me from being with my man and family. It’s summer in Australia right now. Where I am is about to get covered with several feet of snow. I still have plenty of time off, and nothing to occupy my mind. I have read Chloe every book that is appropriate for her, played dolls and video games with her, read just as many books to the boys, and played hide and seek with them, letting them win a few times, of course, that the three kids are tired of playing. Ashe asked me if I was going to start dinner soon because he wanted his supper and to go to bed! How many other people have the luxury of their four year old asking them for bedtime?! Didn’t think so.

I myself am going stir crazy. I finished my spiral notebook that I started back in October, I started a new journal, and even ordered a new one from Amazon. I’ve done all I can do with this site and the design. I have looked through more layouts, chosen one for March, and then I actually turn off my computer. I have watched every single show on cable in HD several times over. I am bored with everything. Bored and brilliant is a really bad combination. When I get those two together, I usually end up having a seizure and wake up sucking some stranger’s cock in the men’s room of the Cherry pub, stoned off my ass on a narcotic or two, in the early stages of alcohol poisoning, only to stagger out and be informed by Champ that I had a fourth man who wanted to take a turn. Whoa. I have called all the friends I have numbers for. I brushed the dog. The kitchen is spotless. I have an open bottle of Jack Daniels here, and I have had several drinks from it. Oh downward spiral, take me on another magic carpet ride…

Nick finally called me last night. He said they weren’t going to take me out of the filming. I was secretly relieved. I really wanted to work on that with him. The director is just going to shoot some other scenes that do not include me. I really want to go back to the gardens there in Sydney. I want to relive the beautiful flowery trails, collect wildflowers and have them pressed and made into perfume. That’s always been a favourite thing for me to do in Australia. I want to make a bottle for my friend Mandy, too. I hope she likes it!

While I was going through my meds this morning, I noticed that my fentanyl was gone. A whole five patches. I found out that my loving mother gave them to her drug addicted sister because she “needed them more than I did”. What? Really? All that is wrong with my aunt is she’s a chronic drug abuser. I really have a broken back and tumors that are causing me horrible pain. After the argument, I locked my med box in the trunk in the closet. Double locked, I might add. Let’s see anyone break into that! She started to tell me that maybe I should move out and earn my own money for my medicine myself. What kind of a selfish bitch was I to totally rely on my husband to work and support me and my ‘drug habit’ I had because of my cancer diagnosis. Wow. I’m not allowed to rely on my husband to buy my meds and work to support the household? I should move out of my own home? What the hell is wrong with her family!

That trip cannot get here fast enough. Have a great rest of the weekend, everyone! I have some pictures to upload after a while from when I tore apart my TimeCapsule and old iMac and harvested their drives. Now if I can only get some USB cords and connect them, I can get my data back. I’ll be so glad to get it, too. Never ever rely on media that you cannot connect to your main computer. I learned that the hard way.

I’m off to finish the bottle of Jack Daniels!

The Colours of My Life

Echos — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 22:29:49 +0000

Hope you guys like the new layout! I certainly do. Looks a tad more professional. I’m going to go lay down before this seizure hits full

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Keep watching the skies! Santa’s bound to be out there somewhere!

Christmas

Echos — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 06:00:54 +0000

If you want to get me something off my wish list, that is here.

If you want to send me a Christmas card, that would be great. I’ll send one back to each one that I get, and on Christmas Day, I will scan all the cards, make a collage and post them here in my journal for all to see.

For Josh

Echos — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 05:37:32 +0000

Happy Birthday, Josh.

In unrelated news, I won’t be posting tomorrow in support of AIDS Day. I haven’t posted ever on December 1st, I think. I could be wrong. I’ve had my medicine for the night and my brain isn’t at its best.

Court went fairly well. I think my testimony is going to win the case, or at least get us a verdict in a favourable way. I was the only one who really seemed to care about the case as a whole. Lance came to court drunk and during recess he drank more. Michelle was on narcotics. Harvest joined in. Justin and Patrick chain smoked during recess while gawking at a nudie magazine. I was the only one who attended court who wasn’t in jeans and chucks. I spent the recess taking photos of the skyscrapers downtown. Why in the world would these people just brush off their court date? It really upset me, and I told them this on the way back to the court room. I don’t think Michelle had had a bath in a few days. Everyone on the opposing side had fancy lawyers. We had a simple lawyer, who probably was still studying for her bar.

Coming out of the court room, our lawyer pulled me aside and said that because of my testimony, there was a good chance that we were going to win the case, and if not, we can appeal. This has only been going on for nineteen months now. How much longer can they drag it out?

Have a safe and happy weekend, everyone!

Camping Out

Echos — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 22:34:21 +0000

When I was in high school, I always assumed I’d become a famous jewelry designer. Four kids and two husbands later, my assorted beads and earring backings were packed away in a plastic sectional Keep Box at the back of the top shelf of my closet. I only discovered it by accident while looking for my FUD (female urination device) to take camping out tonight. Some of the people who love me seem to think that if I tent out under the stars and miss some hours (70 hours or more) of my mother throwing out my things, I may feel better about my life and want to actually live to see my anniversary at the end of the month.

In digging out the FUD, or a box that I assumed it would be in, the plastic box of jewelry supplies tumbled to the ground. Luckily the lid stayed closed. I was amazed at all the pieces in the box that never quite got used:

My favourite are the little pewter cowboy hats that you know are going to become dangly earrings:

Among the pewter hats are ceramic beads, wooden beads painted all colours of the rainbow, copper beads, glass beads, and the material to make one pair of silver french-hook dangly earrings, several gold french-hook dangly earrings, numerous post earrings and two pins. Maybe this is something I can do late at night when Chloe and Nick have fallen asleep and there is nothing more for me to do but stare at the walls of the tent that we are going to be using. I would suggest that I’d be putting some of my creations on Etsy, but I’ve been banned from there for leaving bad reviews on people who have ripped me off. Hey…! Just a thought…. Anyone wanna commission me to make them some earrings or a pin? $10 per pair of earrings, $15 for pins. Limited supplies, designs are originals, and first come, first serve! Meh. Who am I kidding? No one would buy these. There are far too many good designs out there for me to even compete in.

Time to go out for the grand camping trip. Hope I have enough pain medicine. See you on Monday night, or so.

Back In The Arms of a Good Friend

Echos — Tue, 13 Sep 2011 04:15:03 +0000

The trip to James’ apartment was a quiet one. He didn’t ask why I raced away from my brother-in-law, and I didn’t offer anything. I kept glancing out the window at the sun setting over Manhattan, wondering what the next day was going to bring. I didn’t want to go to the conference. I didn’t want to get out there and accept an award package for my husband. Why couldn’t he do it? The big city doesn’t scare me, even when I am alone. Even if James had not been there. I have walked down those streets at dusk and back, several blocks, and I never once was mugged, raped or murdered (obviously). But I didn’t like being there with my memories, haunting memories, alone, in the city where it all happened. I thought of Paul and the life he never gave me because he was killed in the twin towers. I thought of the game my fellow bloggers and I played just two months before the towers fell. I thought of many things as we crept along the crowded streets. Much of it wasn’t very positive. I remember these things for a reason, and that reason is because I was happy then, and I know I will never be able to do them again.

James’ grandmother was waiting for us at the apartment. His two little boys were parked on the living room floor, playing with an assortment of toys. “We don’t have an extra bedroom,” he said, quietly. I smiled. “I don’t mind sleeping with you.” Yes, it was just as suggestive as I intended it to be. I won’t hide it. I’m a little attracted to James. I always have been.

That night we slept with the windows open and the cool night air drifting over us. I love James’ bedroom. It has three large windows with the headboard of the bed underneath the middle window, the other two curved ever so slightly, as the room curves. I love it. We get a three-way breeze every night, and it seems that no matter which direction the wind blows, we get a good breeze. All of Manhattan twinkled below and above. I didn’t feel lost. I felt as if I were home. After sitting at James’ desk writing in my journal, I closed the book and laid down beside him. He was already asleep. The wooden antique bed was appropriately made with an antique quilt. I wasn’t used to sleeping in a standard bed. I kept waking up. I kept wondering if there was something more there.

The next morning found us at Ground Zero, as slide shows and speeches commenced. When The World Stopped Turning was played. Billy and I received our packets. I returned immediately to James’ side as to not give in to Billy’s begging of forgiveness. Many tears were shed there. James remembered his camera, and took many photos. I remembered Paul’s photos from the slide show. They were donated for the project. The View from the 100th Floor of the World Trade Center.

I indulged a little on the trip. NYC pizza. Bagels. There are just some things that I will always love about the place, that will always keep me coming back. James is a big part of that, but he’s not the only reason. I made it a point to remove my Fentanyl patch before going, and James noticed the marks and scars left behind. How could he not? We explored and loved each other that night, with the windows wide open. It ended peacefully, and I was happy. The next morning, James asked the question he always asks me: “When are you going to marry me? I’ve been waiting eleven years.” I smiled and said when the time was right. I don’t know if the time will ever be right.

That’s what in vivo narcotics does to a person.

I promised James I would be back. He gave me a soft kiss before I borded the plane. I know he watched the plane take off. Whisk me away, far away, as my eyes kept gazing on the bracelet on my right wrist..

Recovering

Echos — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 23:23:55 +0000

I want to open my photo blog, Pixie.nu, again, and I thought that simply paying a friend’s bill on Dreamhost would reactivate my account, but alas, it’s gone. All my entries, all my photos, all my information, wiped clean. This really depresses me. I thought they were better hosts than that. What’s really wrong is that I did not know when the hosting was up on the account. So I did not know when to pay up the account. Lesson learned, I guess. In October, or earlier, I am going to get my own Dreamhost account and host my photo blog, my brother-in-law’s site, and anyone else in our family or circle of friends sites that needs hosting. Besides my site, I lost my designs and photos. That really upset me. Losing my personal parts of my site really made me cry. I’ve never cried over virtual things before, but I did those things. I guess it would be the same as if I lost my computer or phone. The money that the item cost would be nothing compared to the memories via media inside it.

Random images from work today:

Goodie Bag

Echos — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 03:29:03 +0000

My husband is home.

He came home about 7am, and so did several members of the band. They have taken to wash in the bath tub and use the entire tube of tooth paste. It’s a little annoying because I don’t know how much of that tooth paste was used for brushing teeth. I’m glad Dennis is home. We were looking into amusement parks to take Chloe to for her sixth birthday in two weeks. I wanted to take her to Six Flags New Orleans, where I spent my 20th birthday when it was Jazzland, but the place never recovered from Katrina. So, we’re looking at other Six Flags places. Preferably one with a Batman ride, Yo-yo Swings, and a Pandemonium ride. I loved those. I remember I was one of the first guests to Six Flags New Orleans, and I was one of the last guests. I was there when I was pregnant with Chloe, and I was denied access to the rides because I was visibly pregnant. Then I went back just three days before the park was permanently closed. I remember riding the Batman, Yo-yo and Pandemonium rides. Those are the ones that I want Chloe to experience. Dennis and I came to that conclusion ourselves. So that is what we are looking for in a Six Flags location. Any suggestions? They will be greatly appreciated!

My sticker photos from Moo.com came in today! Woo! They are the new round photo stickers. I can say that these are much better than the little square photos in the sticker books that you can buy. I got the 52 set and I love them to death. I have been decorating my binder for when I go back to work, my journal pages, and other places I wanted photos of my family and friends and just couldn’t bear to put an actual photo there for fear it would get ruined. These are pretty good quality, too. They are vinyl, water resistant stickers that won’t run or fade if they get wet. I really recommend if you want photo sticker, Moo.com should be your first stop!

Lastly, before I shuffle off to bed, I downloaded the 8 mm iPhone App. I love shooting videos with my phone, but this one is really a great app. I can edit and shoot the videos at the same time! I have a really lame trio of videos that I shot with the app yesterday on Flickr, and they’re basically just shots of the walk-in closet that I sleep in alone with the dog when Dennis isn’t here, but if you want to watch my lame attempt at shooting a vintage vid, I have uploaded it here. There’s no sound, and I don’t know how to get the sound to work properly on the app. Ideas? Help a techno-wannabe?

G’night everyone!

Happy Birthday James

Echos — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 00:44:45 +0000

Happy birthday, James. Where ever you are.