☆ comatised.com | february stars ★ » Health

The Bitter Return

Echos — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 04:11:19 +0000

My site was down for over 24 hours. While that’s not uncommon, I sent an email to my hosts asking what the problem was. I got no response. All of my files were in the FTP program, so I knew it wasn’t a crash, and it wasn’t a hack because my other site was down as well, and that site does not have any software installed on it. For a short time yesterday, the site was available. Then it would redirect to wilwheaton.net, as if he needed more hits. My payment is due this month, but not until the 26th, and I thought I should at least get a reply. Then my emails were coming through.Then my site was back up. I’m thinking of minimising my sites. That being said, crimsonsparkle.net will be moved over to my Dreamhost account as soon as I can get a few minutes time to switch everything over. My photo blog is on there, as well as my experimental sites and my husband’s page. Why not put the personal site on there as well? There’s no blog on crimsonsparkle.net anymore, and the archives that were there are now here, but it’s still a good place for my family to go to see photos and read about upcoming things in my life. This is the site they don’t know about. *grins*

Just incase this ever happens again, I have a couple of off server blogs, Recovering Beauty and Comatised, a tumblr, and several scene journals, gamine, stxr and Christina. What can I say? I love to write, I love to get feed back on my writing, and I always want that option there to write online if I need it. But I have been online for way over a decade, so I’ve gotten around some.

I am back on my Cymbalta. I don’t remember why I stopped taking it, but I did. I don’t know if I’m happy with being on it or not. I am also on another diabetic drug that I don’t know if I want to take. Low blood sugars scare me so much and I don’t know how many of them I can take. I was already put under ‘watch’ today, having to have a ‘baby sitter’ to go out and buy Valentine’s Day gifts and a little somethings for me. I picked up some illuminating foundation for my face that leaves a small shine of glitter after I put it on. It goes with the power foundation I bought last year. I now have the whole set! WooHoo! I picked up some Venom DooWop lip stain, and a tiny little tin of peppermint mints for Chloe. She wanted her own make up and lip stains, since I was getting some. I had to explain to her that like with her pierced ears, she has to wait to get to use make up. But then I ended up giving her a small make over in the hallway outside the candy store. Our skin tones are practically identical, and she acted as though she was a princes after the make over. I wish I would have thought to take pictures.

The last stop of the day was Walmart, so I could get more DVDs to record more movies for my mother. I picked up some candy for the family. Those large Carousel Lollipops. I gave the boys and Chloe each a Wild Cherry pop. I think the DVDs are going okay. I’m sleepy from my meds, so I haven’t checked on them. I should be napping. I have a lot to get done tomorrow.

TIme and Time Again

Echos — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 02:04:14 +0000

Oh. We’re doing SOPA again? Didn’t that end last Wednesday?

I was in a relatively good mood today. The weather was nice once again, and I got to talk to Nick about what we were all going to be doing when I get to the Golden Coast. I still want to make that perfume I mentioned in yesterday’s post. I want to gather the wildflowers by the seaside in Sydney. Those flowers are in full bloom right now, and they will be so nice for the next four months. I want to get to the batch in the mid-summer, so they will put out better, stronger scents. I have a feeling I will be doing this the Friday before we leave. I hope Mandy likes them!

I’m still cleaning up after my harasser. The lies were against me eleven years ago, after a two-year tango with my harasser lying to me. Ten years. That’s too long to be thinking about things like this. I should have let it go. I was doing so great, even though said racist harasser commented nearly fifty times an hour, for twenty-four hours from the same IP and computer. Damn. I attracted a shut in! But today, all of that is gone, forgotten. I am saddened that I lost all of my first round of archives. I’m going to print out some more pictures that my mother wanted and hope that she doesn’t destroy this batch. I’m unusually tired tonight and it’s not even 8pm yet. What is wrong with me?! Speaking of my mother, this is probably the last batch I do for her for a long time. I found out that she stole more of my medicine for her meth-addict sister, so I get to go to work suffering.

I called Nick in tears over this, and he said that he would get me another bottle or two of the syrup, and we could be together on the plane going over. Just us and Chloe. I could sip or chug as much of that syrup that I could take. I smiled at that thought.

When we get home from this magically summer ride, we’re supposed to start prepping to go to Las Vegas! Another road trip! Good thing I am up for these things! I feel so lucky and so blessed, even if I am one kidney short and my heart is still weak, and I am exhausted. I will get to Las Vegas and I will see Mandy. Those are just two of the things that I want to do now that the only thing holding back is my own tight grip on the railing to the stairs. If I leave, my place will get robbed, my pets killed, and my house trashed; possibly burned down. Or maybe the fire won’t happen, and someone comes in and steals our computers, DVD-R, flat screen HD TVs, Wii, you know, all the stuff we worked very hard to have and got with in a few years of being motivated.

I keep thinking about seeing my friend there with me in Las Vegas. Maybe Dallas. I have a seminar there about blood cancers, what treatment worked best for me, what to expect, and what parents and care givers can expect when their child is on chemotherapy. I usually hate these seminars, but this time, I am looking for an excuse, any excuse to get out of the house for a little while, drive down town and come home. I’ll feel like I’ve had a “real job” as my harasser says. Because a job should never be something one enjoys to do for larger salaries than some boring cashier at a video store. But I guess they truly value their child-hating cashier who laughs hysterically when kids get hut in the store. Make snide observations and then check their name when the pull out their credit card, to see how much more money they have. Strange that for someone who was running the family into poverty but was going to be the World’s Next GOD, they never finished their degree. They just got a professional degree and they’re working in a Blockbuster video along side people who are physically 16, 17, 18, 19, not just mentally.

Yes, the person who made fun of me for working at Arby’s when I was 16, is in their 40′s today, and they still work as a drone in a Blockbuster store, where they have been since 2003. It’s great, right? I got a PhD while they were on the web making me look bad. I ignored them. They lost their jobs, lost their schooling, their spouses, and here I am, independently working on my own research, research that was unique to the University before I came here. I have been doing work like that since I was thirty. My learning days and test taking seminars are over. I teach at those now. I have three to go and teach at, get my complimentary meals, snacks, and I can leave without cleaning up. Perfect.

Not as perfect as being on the Golden Coast, but I’ll take it. *all smiles*

It Felt Like Springtime

Echos — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 00:07:20 +0000

It was beautiful out today. It felt like spring time in January. The wind was a little strong, but I loved it anyway.

I didn’t venture out, but stayed inside with the windows and doors open, letting the warm breeze sweep though the house, cleaning out the dirty air, and replacing it with fresh air. The zing zing made working on anything a little harder. I feel like my foot is swollen, but I don’t believe it is.

With all the good things that happened to me today, I am still dreading next week and the start of dialysis. Dialysis is what caused the septic infection that eventually led to Jess’ death. His body couldn’t fight off the infection, so the doctor did not supply any antibiotics. They went ahead with the transplant, though. Smooth move, doc! There’s that tiny thought in t he back of my mind that I may or may not end up like Jess. In so much pain from sepsis that I swallow too much codine or too many Percs and I don’t wake up. Champ offered to bring me over some barbs. No thanks. I have enough to worry about, with how I could fight off the pain, should I get an infection.

All that being said, I am excited to get the first dialysis over with, because that means I can board the plane to the Golden Coast and nothing will stop me from being with my man and family. It’s summer in Australia right now. Where I am is about to get covered with several feet of snow. I still have plenty of time off, and nothing to occupy my mind. I have read Chloe every book that is appropriate for her, played dolls and video games with her, read just as many books to the boys, and played hide and seek with them, letting them win a few times, of course, that the three kids are tired of playing. Ashe asked me if I was going to start dinner soon because he wanted his supper and to go to bed! How many other people have the luxury of their four year old asking them for bedtime?! Didn’t think so.

I myself am going stir crazy. I finished my spiral notebook that I started back in October, I started a new journal, and even ordered a new one from Amazon. I’ve done all I can do with this site and the design. I have looked through more layouts, chosen one for March, and then I actually turn off my computer. I have watched every single show on cable in HD several times over. I am bored with everything. Bored and brilliant is a really bad combination. When I get those two together, I usually end up having a seizure and wake up sucking some stranger’s cock in the men’s room of the Cherry pub, stoned off my ass on a narcotic or two, in the early stages of alcohol poisoning, only to stagger out and be informed by Champ that I had a fourth man who wanted to take a turn. Whoa. I have called all the friends I have numbers for. I brushed the dog. The kitchen is spotless. I have an open bottle of Jack Daniels here, and I have had several drinks from it. Oh downward spiral, take me on another magic carpet ride…

Nick finally called me last night. He said they weren’t going to take me out of the filming. I was secretly relieved. I really wanted to work on that with him. The director is just going to shoot some other scenes that do not include me. I really want to go back to the gardens there in Sydney. I want to relive the beautiful flowery trails, collect wildflowers and have them pressed and made into perfume. That’s always been a favourite thing for me to do in Australia. I want to make a bottle for my friend Mandy, too. I hope she likes it!

While I was going through my meds this morning, I noticed that my fentanyl was gone. A whole five patches. I found out that my loving mother gave them to her drug addicted sister because she “needed them more than I did”. What? Really? All that is wrong with my aunt is she’s a chronic drug abuser. I really have a broken back and tumors that are causing me horrible pain. After the argument, I locked my med box in the trunk in the closet. Double locked, I might add. Let’s see anyone break into that! She started to tell me that maybe I should move out and earn my own money for my medicine myself. What kind of a selfish bitch was I to totally rely on my husband to work and support me and my ‘drug habit’ I had because of my cancer diagnosis. Wow. I’m not allowed to rely on my husband to buy my meds and work to support the household? I should move out of my own home? What the hell is wrong with her family!

That trip cannot get here fast enough. Have a great rest of the weekend, everyone! I have some pictures to upload after a while from when I tore apart my TimeCapsule and old iMac and harvested their drives. Now if I can only get some USB cords and connect them, I can get my data back. I’ll be so glad to get it, too. Never ever rely on media that you cannot connect to your main computer. I learned that the hard way.

I’m off to finish the bottle of Jack Daniels!

Spare A Kidney ?

Echos — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 01:17:27 +0000

Well, it’s finally happened. Come Monday I am going to be briefed on dialysis and then scheduled for my first trip some time next week. The whole idea depresses me like I have never been depressed before. Why is this happening? I have asked that question to myself many times. While I know why it happened, biologically and chemically, it was only a percentage that I was in, and the majority of this not happening was on my side. Yet it happened anyway.

My (asshole!) doctor wanted to blame the chemicals that I work with. They can cause severe kidney damage. Sure. If I had worked there for fifty years. He then blames the metformin that I have been on for the past four years. Well, he wanted me to take it because it causes weight loss. He also told me there were no horribly wrong side effects. Um, sure. See, I knew better. If I were an everyday person I could have a lawsuit against him at the moment, but as a bio-chemist, I knew the risks of taking the medicine and I still took it. Having my mother tell me that at 173 lbs, losing 30 lbs since Halloween night, made me less of an embarrassment to her. Of course she’s in her 60s and living off me, but I’m the embarrassment because I was a few pounds overweight. Technically for my height I wasn’t even obese, but I stopped eating, got depressed, and here I am. Though my loving doctor and mother want me down to 100 lbs even by summer. I was encouraged that I could do this. Ever see a 100 lb 6′ 1″ person? We don’t look good. We look like we survived the holocaust. We have no energy. Ten years ago I was down to 100 – 90 lbs and I looked like total shit. No tits. No energy. Constant pains. But damn, I wasn’t an embarrassment to my mother, her family, or my doctor. The people whom I should have truly been trying to please weren’t interested in my weight; I’ve always been perfect to them.

I was put on a double transplant list yesterday. Monday I pick up my pager to wait for the news that there is a kidney or lung (yes, those are fucked up too). I’m not sure if this will affect my trip to Sydney, or the trip to Las Vegas in March. I’ve already paid for my tickets and I want to go. My plane to Sydney is supposed to leave on Thursday morning and I return on Sunday the fifth. I had everything planned, from a new camera to a ton of GBs of space to take pictures and video. I even stocked up on spare batteries and a fast charger so I wouldn’t run out of juice on the trip. Then there’s my “artisan” make up because I was supposed to be a part of the filming we’re going to. I can’t get on camera with a dialysis cath in my arm with the bruises to go with it. This all has screwed up my entire pleasure in looking forward to the trip; I haven’t been to Australia for pleasure since 2003. Dennis was also looking forward to seeing DW again. I guess he can do that without me there, though. Nothing would be stopping him. I haven’t told anyone about this, other than posting it here, for people to sympathise with me over it. Let’s have that Pity Party for me!

On a lighter note, I have a couple of family members who are going to take blood tests and such to see if they match and I can get a kidney from them, possibly. I know my cousin BJ got tested. I’m not sure if I truly need my lung(s) replaced. That’s one of the things we’re going to discuss at the doctor’s office Monday afternoon.

Oh, and my TimeCapsule died and went to hell a week ago. I’ve gone through the motions of removing the hard drive in it (and have the pictures to prove it), and now I am waiting on my check to go into my card so I can get a cord for it. I have another TimeCapsule, but I can’t get the computer to recognise it. I hope that wasn’t the error with my older drive. After harvesting that drive, I feel as though I can harvest the drive from my old strawberry iMac, just to get the data off it. That would be pretty awesome if I could get that drive too. I may update next with pictures of me harvesting my TimeCapsule drive and the iMac drive, if I can get it out. Right now I have to sit at my desk and update, and that’s a bitch. I usually update from my bed while I’m watching TV. Not anymore! Not until I can figure out how to get that TimeCapsule working. Any suggestions? Advice on anything I’ve posted? Email me if you do. Or leave a comment. Whichever is good for you.

Don’t forget to add my feeds:

here, there, and facebook or just plain add me on facebook. I’ll love you forever!

It’s Not Writer’s Block

Echos — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 04:07:20 +0000

I had plans to post tonight. I would love more than to write about my experiences with working for the first time since December, and following up on my post about New York, with some Christmas pictures, write about the next up-coming trip in a few weeks, but my heart just can’t do it tonight. I just can’t. I wish I could go into why this is, rather than pussy-foot around the reasons, but believe me, they are good reasons, and some day I will be able to write about them openly and honestly, just not tonight. I have to let what I know and what I witnessed sink in. It’s just part of who I am. It’s job related, and it upset me dearly, but I will survive in the end. Some days, such as the job today that I finished, I wish I had never left my previous profession and was still passing meds and doing procedures. Life was simpler then. It didn’t involve an emotion-less task of playing in a freezer with a familiar human corpse.

It’s not that I’m not skilled at autopsies, nor do I dislike doing them. Nothing satisfies my curiosity than finding out why or how someone died, but there comes a time when you want to draw a line on what corpse you have to slice up, and unfortunately, in my profession, I do not get that option. It was “do it or lose your license”. Nice people. Half my crew chickened out at the last moment, but that didn’t phase me at all. I’d prefer to do the operation on my own; nothing distracts me more than wondering if someone else has found something I’ve possibly missed in the micro-alleys of the human body. I just hope those that chose to run don’t think they one upped me.

I finished the job, kept my license with flying colours, and then came home to take a bath, wishing the pain and shock would run down the drain with with soapy water. It’s not that easy. It never is.

Okay. That’s all I can blog tonight. Till we meet again!

No Shugah Tonite

Echos — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 03:43:21 +0000

I hope everyone is having a good, happy, and safe New Year. So many people are so hopeful of 2012, from what I’ve read from several blogs around the net. Here’s hoping that it brings everyone everything they have been hoping and wishing for for the past eleven years!

As for me, I’m ill tonight. I have a doctor’s appointment bumped up to Friday, the same day as Chloe’s. I’m just not well. I have several cuts and wounds that are not healing properly (I’m not picking any scabs, I promise!) and I think I need some prescription medicine for them. I also have some problems with my feet; they’re suddenly cold at night, and stiff, and they never warm up. Ever. I have an idea of what it is, but I want some medical tests done to make sure I’m not just imagining things.

In other words: No Shuggah Tonite guise! If not, can you see/guess the minut little change I made? No? Oh well. I tried.

Hearing an Itch

Echos — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 04:02:01 +0000

On the day after Christmas, I became the world’s worst parent and allowed Chloe to get her ears pierced. Since that day, she had been pulling on her ear lobes, then shaking her head, as if she had a bug down in her ear canal. Not on the posts, per se, but the actual lobes. This morning she was doing it, and then complained of hearing a pop and then nothing. Like me, Chloe has implants in her ears so that she can hear. She has had them since she was a couple of months old.

I took her to the doctor today. Surprisingly, it was a very simple procedure to fix the implants. He just put something down her ears that looked like a long ink pen and she could suddenly hear again. He told me that the pulling on her ear lobes caused the implants to slip and she wasn’t to pull on her ear lobes any more for any reason while she has implants in. By some miracle, she didn’t have any infection in the piercings. When her hearing was restored, the doctor asked her why she was pulling on the ear lobes, and she said they itched inside. We were both stumped by that since the itching phase of the healing process should not have started with in the first hour of getting her ears pierced.

I guess one would want to know why I would approve of getting my six year old pierced ears. Well, her sister did her own self-piercings when she was about six, after begging, demanding, asking, threatening, and blackmailing, she pierced her ears herself. Much like I did when I was ten years old. PoRo and I had the same complications: infections, crooked piercings, uneven piercings, and to this day the only type of earring I can really wear has to be sterling silver because of all the infections that my ears have gone through. I am very fortunate that I didn’t lose my ears to gangrene or from my hair constantly being tangled in the cartilage piercings.

Since coming home from the doctor, she hasn’t pulled on her ear lobes, but she’s still shaking her head from time to time. I asked her why and she said she didn’t know. Back to the doctor, then.

The Colours of My Life

Echos — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 22:29:49 +0000

Hope you guys like the new layout! I certainly do. Looks a tad more professional. I’m going to go lay down before this seizure hits full

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Keep watching the skies! Santa’s bound to be out there somewhere!

The Lucky One

Echos — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 04:41:38 +0000

It’s good to be home. It’s good to be able to be home. It’s good to be able to just be.

I had another bout with a blood clot. This time in my right leg. I had severe leg pain and went to the doctor just to be x-rayed, ultra-sound-ed, and told that I needed surgery to remove the clot. I was afraid I was going to miss Christmas. I was absent during my own SITS period, and I’m sure that people out there think I abandoned the site or lied when I said I was going to return comments. I got over sixty comments, and I am trying my best to return them today. I’m just so tired, even after being home a full day. The surgery required a little incision in my chest, which then required sutures to close up. Infection spread within a day of the sutures, causing my delay in getting home, and escalating my sadness for possibly missing Christmas with my family.

I sorely underestimated how much love my family has for me.

They waited for me to get home just to clear a space for the Christmas tree to be put up. For over a week, Dennis fed, clothed, washed and entertained the little ones, going so far as to cancel a meeting with his mates to be at home with the kids. One of the activities they did was make cards and drawings for me, nearly every day, which Dennis brought to me on his daily visits. I did cry when I saw Chloe’s drawing. It was of me, as an angel, with the words: “Don’t spend Christmas with Jesus this year!” at the bottom. I’m not sure why she is so certain that I will not be around to see her grow up. I am going to be around for a very long time, I am planning on that. Something I set my mind to.

Coming home yesterday was a relief. I am thankful all over again for what I have and how I have been blessed in this life. I was thankful for every little thing I had, from my cell phone, to my bed, to being able to watch TV on my own set. I missed so much by being in the hospital, yet I gained so much in perspective on how much I am loved, appreciated, and thought of by my family. Though there wasn’t really anything that made me think otherwise. *all smiles*

As for my health, my doctor doesn’t know what is wrong with me, or how to “fix” me. He’s actually told me that I will never be cured, and I should make arrangements to reflect that. But why? I don’t feel worse, except for after dinner tonight, I felt as if I was going to throw up, though that may be because I’m not used to eating much lately.

In the end, I feel incredibly lucky to have the family and support that I do. Even in the comments and emails I get from this page, people are so wonderful to me most of the time. Big thank you if you were one of the people who have left me support, humor, and general happiness.

For now, I’m off to bed, to sleep off this nausea and just dream. G’Nite everyone!

The Leonids Fell

Echos — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 00:26:47 +0000

Thursday night the Leonids fell for the year 2011. I watched in awe and silence as the meteors fell as fiery streaks across the sky. The rain of meteors, as they silently streaked across the velvet sky, calmed me, in a way. I wrote about it in my journal, but I cannot find said journal now, so I cannot re-write what I wrote as I watched them. I did take some photos with my star app.

I got a battery for my newer camera, and I was able to use the silly thing for more than a few seconds. It’s strange that the camera works better with a rechargeable battery than with brand-new, super-powerful batteries that work so great in my other toys. The zoom is wonderful. The “night scape” is awesome. It picked up my glowing isotopes perfectly in the dark with no flash.

Zoom example:

Poor dog didn’t really want her picture taken. She’s a really fairly reserved dog, who shies away from people. I caught her licking her nose, and snapped the picture a second too late, so she looked like she was sticking her tongue out at me. Good thing dogs can’t Google themselves and find these embarrassing photos of themselves online.

The isotopes’ photo. You can see them glowing and the glow radiating from them on the left-hand side of the photo.

Yes, it’s perfectly safe for me to have those sitting out on my dresser top. These particular isotopes are only dangerous if you eat them, and if you’re that ignorant, well, I can’t help you. They do make an erie glow late at night when I wake up.

I’m still getting used to the side effects and behavioural changes from the increased dose of Cymbalta. I’m also still puzzled as to why I really need that. Why I was prescribed it. I noticed that I do not eat as much as before, I almost never laugh or smile, and I don’t make an effort to catch my favourite TV shows anymore. I feel like … a zombie. A living corpse. It really is worrying me, especially since I’ve noticed these side effects more so than others. I’m also sleeping much more. I’ve slept for eighteen hours at a time, when given the chance. That cannot be good.

Oh, and yesterday I finally got the new iPhone, the 4S. I haven’t played around with it much, other than to put the anti-glare screen protector on and the new Speck Candy Shell case.

That’s it for me! To all my readers in the USA: Happy Thanksgiving! I’m going to catch some more sleep until dinner time.