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Archive for the 'Life' Category

Motivation

Mar. 23rd 2014

Tomorrow Dennis and I are going to Chloe’s school for a meeting about why she thinks her teachers don’t like her. I don’t like the whole idea of meeting with the teachers, but if this cures her dislike for school before she is permanently turned off by the idea of having an education, it will all be worth it.

I also have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.

That should go over well since I am technically sick. I tried my best and I failed at staying healthy. I failed Friday night, hence the melodramatic post.

On top of that all, I still have to go to work. Busy day tomorrow. But I’m looking forward to it all the same.

I posted about this somewhere else, but I’m going to touch on it here because I feel it’s important. I made some icons that I hoped to decorate my sites with. I know I’ll probably never use them, though. I start all these projects for the web or for scrapbooks, and then I never go through with them. I also bought some fonts that I feel that I will never use. I don’t know what to do to motivate me to pour my heart and soul into my web pages. I know if I tried a little harder, I’d probably get more comments, more repeat readers, more interactions, because right now I look like a fly-by-nighter and that’s just not true. I need to make my pages appear more permanent. Thirteen years on the web and I don’t have anything that makes it appear that I have been around that long. It really frustrates me.

I think I might make some themes and brushes for people to download. I used to design web pages and I had all kinds of designs here, but those days have passed and I just ran out of ideas. Plus I got lazy. That always helps, huh? Haha. Laziness. It seems to be contagious because Dennis is getting lazy with his writing as of late. I want to encourage him, but he doesn’t especially seem to want to encourage me.

Today is the last day of Spring Break. I’m kind of sad that I have to go back to work tomorrow, but at least I have the exams graded, a new lesson plan for the week, and I feel like I’m raring to go. I have so much that I am looking forward to. The end of the school year is one of them. I’ve decided that I possibly won’t go back to teaching in the summer, but take on that job with the medical examiner. I am torn about how I want to progress with that. On one hand it’s more money. On the other hand, it’s not as rewarding as being a professor.

I ordered some MAC lipglass. I can’t wait to try it. I’m not big on wearing lipgloss or lipglass, but I really want to try this. It seems like a wonderful colour. I wonder if anyone will notice when  I wear it?

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School Woes

Mar. 19th 2014

I’ve been enjoying my Spring Break. I almost don’t want to go back to work on Monday. But I have to. I have been writing out a lesson plan that’s killer. I can’t wait to show it to my students. I’m sure they will like it.

Chloe asked me today if she really had to go back to school on Monday. I informed her that yes, she had to go back to school on Monday. I asked her why she didn’t want to go, and she said that the teachers don’t like her. I’m not sure why the teachers wouldn’t like her, she’s a really good student. She said they just don’t like her. I didn’t know why she felt that way until she said that most of her teachers dislike her dad, and she defended him. I told her I was glad that she stood up for her father, but could it be that they disliked what he did for a living and not him personally? She had to think about that for a little while, before saying, “What difference does it matter? Dad is what he does and he’s the best dad in the world! There are so many kids there that don’t even know their dads! I think those dads are worse than mine! At least I know my dad!” I had to smile at that. Chloe has her head screwed on straight, even if it means going against people who are “above” her.

Dennis and I talked about this and we’re debating sending her to a different school. I want to talk to the teachers there and find out if they really have a problem with Dennis or not. Chloe has a really big imagination, and I like to nurture it, and I plan to nurture it for as long as I possibly can, and some times that imagination can run wild. She thinks things that are not always true. She gets that from me. I let my mind run wild some times, and I think that people are mad at me when they really are not. Still, if the teachers have a problem with Dennis or what he does for a living, maybe it’s time for a new school. One that is not so critical of where their money comes from. It’s not as if he’s doing something illegal.

I put on some powder foundation for the first time in ages, today. It seemed a little strange, wearing make up. I never do. It’s not that I think I’m too pretty for make up, it’s that I’m too lazy to put it on and take it off properly. Dennis said I looked “bright and sunny” today. I didn’t tell him that I was wearing foundation. I was a little embarrassed to admit to wearing it.

I’m going to go back and watch movies with Dennis for the night. I made a layout for spring (tomorrow!) that I think everyone will like. I worked hard on getting it to work properly on WordPress. I used to use the layout on MovableType back in the day. But it’s simple and clean and that’s what I was going for in a layout. Plus I can have my ten entries on the page and not worry about it looking too cluttered.

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Posted by Christina | in Family, Kids, Life, Married Life, On My Mind | 4 Comments »

Billy’s Loss

Mar. 17th 2014

I just read an essay online about someone’s experience with my brother in law, Billy. I feel like projectile vomiting. Fans are so… disgusting. The way they tear each other down and the way they think they are the world to their celebrity. I remember when a fan girl tore into me for posting pictures of my own husband on a forum. I never did that again!

I’m feeling particularly nostalgic because I may actually be getting Roxanna’s old domain after all. The idea of making a shrine to a dead woman and letting the world know what happened to her makes me think of my own death. Who will tell the world when I die? Almost all of my accounts are private from real life friends and family. I like it like that. I once had a freak print out my blog and physically mail it to my mother thinking they were doing harm, but my mother said I wouldn’t write things like that and just threw it away. I was so relieved.

But this thing with Billy has me feeling sad. No one really likes him in the family. He gave up his family for a fling, and now he has no close family members. I’d feel sorry for him, but he’s mean to me and has been for the last twelve years. I liked him much more before he met his fling, who is dead now, by the way. Billy thinks he can just pick up where we left off and be the best of friends again. I remember though. I remember the cruel things he said to me in defense of someone I’m fairly sure picked up the other end of the line because she was harvesting pictures and videos of me for my stalker. But I can’t convince Billy of that. I also can’t convince him that he was unreasonably hateful and mean to me during his eight year relationship with her. After I spent money buying him websites to email this woman at, and time setting up blogger/movabletype/wordpress accounts, designing them so that he was “unique” all so that he could write cruel things about me on the pages. In my full name, nevertheless.

But those websites are gone now, and I rarely get hits from them, if ever. I find myself on the WBM to remind myself what he did to me. I also read entries that people made about him to remind myself about the people who could have hurt me deeply. Crazy people. People who will do what someone says, no matter what the consequences. People who won’t second guess hurting a woman, even if she is disabled or unable to defend herself. And that is who Billy surrounds himself with.

As long as those people are around, I am going to make myself scarce. I don’t answer Billy’s calls. I don’t answer the door when he knocks. No birthday card this year, no Christmas cards with the family photo in it. Actually, we omitted him from the family photo in 2009. He doesn’t seem to have noticed.

Until today, he was completely oblivious to the fact that I have been ducking him for four years. Now he wants me to pay attention to him. He wants me to love him, to be his friend. I say fuck it. You made your choice, now go live with it.

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The Last Week

Mar. 13th 2014

I’m using the beta testing of WordPress 3.9, so if my site is acting funny, I apologise. I also apologise for any weirdness that goes on within this site. I’m working on getting the site better organised. I keep saying that, and eventually I will make it true!

I got a new journal to write in. I’m not even finished with the two big ones that I have and already I am planning the next journal. The next book in the series that is my life. Anyone else joining the Paper Project? Yeah, that’s where you can read these books. I’m supposed to not take more than three months in writing a book, but there’s just so much going on that I am going to take ten months to finish these books together. Writing just comes so easily to me that I do it with my eyes closed. I write and people love to read it. I like that. I wish more people would join the Paper Project so I could get more readers and more feedback.

I am effectively archiving all of my posts elsewhere. I love that I am saving them for others to read, and for me to have later on. I have bad dreams that I lose all of my data, and some days that’s a reality. I didn’t know about downloading entries by hand or what not. I just took what was in the FTP and transferred it to another blog and my entries were nowhere to be found! Well I found them, but by then it was too late.

I am ready for spring break next week. I just want this winter weather to be over. I want to wear shorts and my jelly shoes and not look like a weirdo. I’d live in shorts if I could. When I get home from work I change into shorts and a halter top. I just love wearing less clothes than I seasonally should. I talked with Michelle about being shirtless in the warmer weather, and she said I’d probably get a raise if my boss walked in on me shirtless. Seeing my tits, he probably would give me a raise! I don’t have any big plans for spring break this year. My brother in law’s birthday is over spring break, and so is my one month sobriety/clean anniversary. I am actually proud of myself for not giving in. The first few days all what I could think about was heroin and my next fix. Now that I have to shoot up insulin, I have no desire to shoot up anything else. I even looked at the huge needle I used to do heroin with, and it seemed too big to stick in my body anywhere.

So, am I going to keep living clean? That I cannot answer. I would like to, but there are set backs. There is bound to be a time where I will fall from grace. Especially if my arms have those weird sensations in them or I can’t sit at my doctor’s office by the hour, waiting on him to come back into the exam room. My body is just too worn out to sit around. I really need physical therapy, but I can’t afford it. I also need stronger pain medication, but I don’t have the courage to ask.

It’s too nice out to be inside typing away at a computer. Time to go out and live a little before the sun goes down. Smile! It’s a beautiful day!

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Posted by Christina | in Adventures, Coping Mechanisms, Drugs, Illness, Journal, Junky Life, Life, On My Mind | Comments Off

Changed Plans

Mar. 9th 2014

Life is good today. Tonight. Whatever. I am happy, and for the first time in a long time, I am looking forward to tomorrow. I have written a lot this weekend, and while I didn’t update yesterday because I had a terrible stomach flu, I’m feeling much better now, I am happy to report that it didn’t effect my writing at all, and I got so much done. I was surprised.

Weird thing, since getting off the patches and heroin, I have been taking more baths, at least every other day. I feel so clean. I think I may go back to taking one every day. I don’t know, though. I’m also considering going back to work for the medical examiner. I want to just work at saving more money for as long as I can. That’s the priority these days and I don’t like the thought that I am a burden on my family. I know they would never think that, but I would think it, and that’s enough for me to want to do something about it. I think going to work for a higher wage would make me feel better. There’s only so many cards and such that I can accept before I can say, “Hey, this doesn’t fill the gas tank!” and besides, if I am going to have more treatment, I may or may not be able to stand for three or four lectures per day and a couple of labs.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my job. I just wish it paid a little more.

I suppose I could ask for a raise, but have I been there long enough?

I always thought that I would want to work for the medical examiner, that I would be my dream job, but now I don’t think so. I think I want to stay right where I am. I love my work, my students, I get to meet all sorts of interesting people, I love working with Carl (even if he does steal my parking place at least once a week!), and I love the satisfaction that I get in teaching. In the eighth grade I was voted “most likely to become a teacher” and now I am one. I love working with the students. I get my fix of cutting up dead bodies in the GA Labs, which starting next year Carl and I would be alone in teaching.

Next week is Spring Break. I’ll have more time to think about this than I thought, and I can make my final decision in May. That’s still nearly two months away. I still plan to teach this summer, whether I stay or not. I won’t be teaching any remedial classes, just classes where students want to get ahead. I think physiology 3 will be a good subject to sink my teeth into this summer. Of course that’s not the official name of the course, but it’s what the students all call it.

Zinnia is talking more and more these days. She babbles a lot more than she talks, but I can understand her more and more every day. Her birthday is next month. It’s the same day as her daddy’s. We’re planning a dinner party for her daddy, and we’re taking her along for the fun. I think all four kids will benefit from the party. Chloe and I are getting dresses made for the special occasion. I can’t remember when I had a dress made specifically for me to wear. It’s been at least Christmas 2006 since I had one made. I wish I could have all of my clothes specially made. That would really be a treat.

It’s nearly 10pm here, and I have to get the kids in bed. This week is their last week before Spring Break. I think we’re going to love being a family again for a full whole week before the kids have to get back to school. Chloe hates her school. I’ve tried to talk to her about it, and the importance of staying in school, but I have a bad feeling that if she doesn’t graduate by the time she’s seventeen, she may drop out. Right now she’s far advanced from her peers, so that’s not a problem, but I still have to worry. It’s just a natural thing for a mother to do, right?

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Spelling Bees

Mar. 7th 2014

I am unusually sleepy today. I took three naps and I want to sleep some more. It’s like I can’t get enough sleep.

Chloe is going to be in her school spelling bee this year! I  knew she could do it if she just tried. I hope she wins. I was in a spelling bee in middle school, and I’m really excited that the torch has been passed. Maybe some day Zinnia will be in a spelling bee, or the boys. Maybe there will be a time when all four of our kids will be spelling bee winners. Wouldn’t that be awesome?

Dinner is ready, so I have to go. Here’s hoping I get enough sleep tonight! I can sleep as late as I want to tomorrow. It’s Saturday, after all!

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Posted by Christina | in Adventures, Kids, Life | Comments Off

Something NU

Mar. 5th 2014

I’m transferring files, mostly WordPress Themes, over to my new domain. Don’t worry, I still have a few months here, so I’ll make the best of it while I’m here. I just need a change of pace, you know? something new, something NU. Ha ha. Get it? No? Oh well. It’s taken hours to transfer all of those files over to the new domain. I wish it didn’t take so long and that I knew how much longer I had to wait. I’ve made a DVD, ate dinner, had three shots, all of this since I got home and started the transfer.

Can you tell I love to talk about geek stuff? I could talk about my pages and times on the web all day if I had nothing else to talk about. But there are other parts of my life, and I have to split it up equally.

In the mean time, Zinnia has started babbling more. She’s walking now and talking somewhat plain. I can understand her. Chloe can’t understand her, but Chloe is very impatient with her little sister. I often wonder if having another baby was the right thing to do. We didn’t exactly plan Zinnia, but we love her very much. I could have terminated the pregnancy, but I chose to keep my baby. I believe that choosing to keep your baby is just as important as choosing to abort or adopt out your baby. It’s still a choice, and one that Dennis and I made together. But something just doesn’t sit right with Chloe and the new baby. It’s been almost a year now, and they just don’t get along. I don’t know why.

It’s supposed to snow tonight, so no star gazing for me. I wanted to go out and see the stars tonight, too. Instead there’s a cold rain falling down on  the rooftop. I can hear it so clearly, yet no one else here can. It drives me nuts sometimes, the constant patter of rain on the rooftop.

My friend, James, sang to me over Skype tonight. I don’t know why I felt the need to mention that, since it was so private and intimate at the time that it was happening. I really enjoyed it. Sing to me and I’ll love you forever. Smother you with hugs, kisses and huge tits. *giggle* If you want, that is. I really have a thing for musicians, I can’t explain it. There are some that I just can’t stand, but the majority of them I just want to screw their brains out, you know? Maybe you don’t. I just really love singing and hearing songs that aren’t available on iTunes. Something private and just between us. I was surprised that James would sing to me. He’s supposed to have this better life these days, but something keeps him coming back to me. I guess deep down I love him too, but it’s one of those things that just isn’t meant to be. Love is something special. It can’t be separated or forced. And I love my life that I have now. I assume that he loves his life too. We could never be together. Not in a million years.

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Posted by Christina | in Adventures, Among the Stars, Family, Friends, Journal, Kids, Life, On My Mind, Sex | Comments Off

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