My second patch fell off in the tub yesterday. I thought I wouldn’t need another one, but around one this afternoon, the extreme pain came back. It brought tears to my eyes and a lump form in my throat. I grasped the blankets, knowing what was coming next.
The horrid pain rushed over me, causing the tears to flow in a steady stream. I clenched my teeth, clenched my fists, squeezed my eyes shut, held my breath, breathed slowly and steadily.
Nothing caused the pain to go away. Nausea followed the onset of the pain. I tried to force myself to throw up, under the false impression that would make the pain go away. But I could not get the pains to go away or throw up. I was at a stand still.
At about 10pm, the pain melted away enough for me to tolerate it to write, take my medication, hold Zinnia, wash my hair and slip on a second patch.
The pain begin to elevate again. And here I am. Trapped by my own body by something no one else believes I have.
I’m severely tired again. Back to where I can’t get enough sleep. I don’t understand why I am so tired that I just want to sleep for days and days. Any ideas?
No stars for me tonight. We’re getting rain and cloudiness for the entire week, and as long as it keeps the heat down, I’m all for it! I can’t stand the super heat.
To I am going to give Dennis a little early Father’s Day present from me. The kids want to make the cake tonight, so if I can stay awake for longer than fifteen minutes at a time, I would love to bake a cake. Maybe that will get my mind off of things, get my mind on other things. Later on tonight, Dennis and I are going to another Couples’ Club party. I really like these parties.
For the first time in years, I got to go to the water park! I never thought I would be able to go just for me, you know? No kids, no other family members, just Dennis and I, gliding over the calm, sparkling water of the Lazy River circle pool, to riding the wild waves of the Ocean Motion wave pool. I even down a huge slide! We had a blast, just the both of us, for my birthday. That may be why I’m so tired today. I know it’s why all my muscles are sore. So sore that I had to pop a tizanidine when I first woke up this morning. By some miracle, AKA sun screen and sun block, I didn’t get burned out there in the warm sun. I sure hated to leave, after spending three hours having so much fun. Coming home, I took a bath and collapsed into the bed. No cake and ice cream, didn’t even open my presents or upload the water park pictures to Flickr, I was just so tired.
So today I get to open my presents, have some cake and ice cream, and have Happy Birthday sung to me. It’s like my birthday is such a big event, it lasts two days!
I think the best present I got was Billy had officially left me alone for six months now. Six whole months of me not having to turn down his advancements. Ahh, peace is wonderful!
Have a fun and safe weekend! Smile! I insist!
I’ve been on a semi-hiatus because I’m having trouble with sleep. I have to sleep after being awake for just an hour at a time. During this hour, I usually take a bath, brush my teeth, or write in my Paper Project book, feed the dogs and then pass out again. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I wish I did. I’m going to the doctor on Tuesday, so I can ask while I’m there. Not that I have a lot of faith in my doctor, or anything.
Yesterday I picked up my dad’s Father’s Day gift — a portable chair in blue. I also picked up another bottle from the DKNY Pure collection and two bottles from the Field of Flowers collection. I have yet to use any of those Field of Flowers soap. Maybe I should start?
I know I can’t wash my hair. I can’t reach my head and then I can’t lather my hair once I can get my hands up there. Dennis has been washing my hair a couple of times a week. For the first time in a long time I have been able to appreciate all that he has done around the house, and I feel sad that I tore his band apart. How many other women force their husbands to quit their jobs, give up their liveliness? Maybe it’s time he and I talked this over.
I spent a few hours on the site, jazzing things up for now, and asking on forums what I can do to make it better. I really want to make the site “prettier” if I can.
My mother is going to be coming home, so the hospital says, but they said that it’s going to be a long time to rehabilitate her. I’m happy that it’s even a possibility!!
Today was the last day of school for Chloe, and guess what? She didn’t bring home a yearbook or her class pictures. I paid over $150 for two yearbooks and over thirty pictures of her and her class. I’ve already filed a complaint with Josten’s, but I’m not sure how well it will do with the three-day weekend coming up and people just busting to get out of their offices and get to their vacations for the summer. I wish I could relax and have a good start to summer, but the whole idea of losing $150 is really unsettling with me. I emailed the school and they said she wasn’t there on picture day. I know that’s not right because we got a receipt from the photographer.
Working on the site reminded me how bad my back truly is. Cancer eating through a spine is a real doozie. Don’t let it happen to you! Just sitting here for an hour really hurts. So editing the pages, tearing my hair out, crying to Josh via webcam, and all that other shit was truly painful. I hope that if you’re passing this site you at least leave me a comment telling me how awesome I did on the site! Or leave me some constructive criticism! I’d appreciate either/or.
I never got that sex I’ve been craving. I’m sure you wanted to know.
Have a good night!
I’ve been having some weird cravings and thoughts lately. I want to give oral to Dennis, but I don’t know how to tell him this. I want us to cuddle and snuggle, but again, I’m not sure how to go about asking for this. I’m sure if I just came out and said something, we could play around, but I don’t know. Something is holding me back. I kind of like this feeling. *all smiles*
Some times I just want to send the kids to the movies with my father in law or mother in law and just have us to ourselves. Or perhaps just run away to the ocean and collapse into each other’s arms in the warm sand with the waves crashing above us.
But I can’t do that. I can’t abandon Zinnia yet, and I have to get Chloe’s school to give me her information about where her school pictures and yearbook went to, James is sick with an ear infection that goes down his throat and Ashe wants attention, dammit! I just can’t keep up with them these days, and I know that I deserve a vacation, but I just can’t do that right now. I’m lucky to go out tonight and see the stars. I’m lucky to sneak a kiss every so often.
After the rain is gone tonight, we’re supposed to have a starry night, and I want to sit outside and wax poetic under the stars with Dennis, whilst deep in love.
Here I am, working on finishing Book #21, and thinking about all that is going on. The class I helped teach is graduating today. I can tell which of the male students were crushing on me by their invitations to graduation and Grad Night. I’ve had to graciously decline several times today. I just can’t bring myself to go to Grad Night or the celebration.
My mother is off the respirator. She’s still dangling on the plateau of living and dying, but I feel that she is getting better. Thank you for all the prayers. Please keep sending them her way! Much love!
Hope everyone has a happy Mother’s Day!
My mother is doing a little bit better at the hospital. If you’re not on my Facebook profile (and you should be as I don’t bite!), I was given some shitty news from my stepfather that turned out to be a lie. He was either told the wrong information, or he intentionally gave me the wrong information, and that is really an awful thing to do to someone. So I went into panic mode. I was really afraid that my mother was going to die. Then I went to see her on the 8th. She was stable, her body is fighting the infections she had (pneumonia and sepsis with some fungal infection). She was asleep because of the infections and is now on morphine to stop the pain. But she is alive, she is stable, and I want to repair my relationship with my mother. This bad-ass attitude that I have towards her is really for the birds and I have to get my affairs in order.
As of May 7th, for the next few months, I have a new shrink. I’m not crazy over him, but he seems to want to help. First thing he wants to do is stick me in the institution and have some observations and test run. Of course he does. What the hell? Am I the first schizophrenic patient these shrinks have ever encountered? Oh well. Might as well get it over with while I still have time off from work.
Have a fun, safe Sunday, everyone!