Archive for the 'Life' Category
I need a good foundation. I need something I can throw on in the morning and go. Not something I have to screw with all damned day. I’m looking into many foundations and it’s not like picking out a good fragrance. I have to match skin tone, texture, and blendability. Is that even a word, blendability? It is now!
As of today, I have filled up my third makeup bag with MAC lipsticks, Lipglasses, and other MAC products. Dennis says that I have too much makeup, and that just four years ago, I wasn’t like that. Of course. But since my skin has gotten progressively worse from cancer treatments, I need something to hide the ugliness that the treatments are leaving behind. My doctor says that some day my skin will clear up, but that day has yet to come. I look forward to the day that I no longer need makeup to make myself presentable and then I can show my real face personally. But until then, I need a decent foundation. Have I already said that? I also need a decent, non-cakey, powder foundation, if at all possible. I really just want to be able to look good without worry.
I’m glad to have the weekend off. Dennis and I went out for a little while tonight. We went back to Brookside, and ate out. I wore my retro dress, and my jelly shoes by Crocs. The night was the perfect temperature, and I felt so comfortable there with him. I felt safe, too. I dream these bad dreams of him getting into trouble and us getting killed, most nights, but tonight felt like one of the good dreams. Ones where we’re in the middle of a deserted forrest, where just the moon and stars up above are moving, as they shine down upon us. With a gentle rustling of the grass and trees as a calming wind rushes through. That’s how peaceful I was tonight. I wore my Honey fragrance, and the scent of honeysuckle will always remind me of the peace that I felt tonight. I live for these nights. There’s no hurrying, no emails, no kids, no insulin, no needles, just us, two souls who were made for one another.
I want us to have nights like this forever. I wish they would never end. But soon it will be too hot to go out at night, and then too cold. I know this. I know that we’ve got limited time, that’s why I cherish this time of the year. I can go out and just feel at ease with the one I love. After the walk down the boardwalk, we came home and took a hot bath with rose scented soap. It was so peaceful and relaxing, I almost fell asleep in the bath. I felts so happy.
Now I’m just waiting for bed time, so I can climb into the warm bed, smelling of honeysuckle and roses and dream of how happy I can be, while wrapped in Dennis’s arms.
I wish life could be like this always.
I’ve been incredibly busy this week. Dennis had a birthday yesterday, and so did Zinnia. We celebrated at a restaurant on Brookside. I got a new favourite picture of the girls there. Then we came home and Zinnia opened her presents. I put up pictures on my other site that I am slowly merging onto. I tried to stay away from the camera, but I think there are quite a few there that I was in. Oh well. Speaking of the new site, I added a photo gallery on there, with pictures of me on it. I know that I rarely do anything like that, but I thought it was time.
I’m also working on the final exam for the University. We have to get that turned in before May First. I never thought I would be glad that I am finishing up my semester, especially since I may not be coming back in the fall. We’ll have to see where I am, physically, and then go from there. I feel great, though. I don’t feel like I am sick or dying, even though my doctor says that I am seriously sick.
I spent the last couple of nights watching the sun set with Dennis. We’re skipping tonight because he has some writing to do, and I wanted some “me” time. Part of that “me” time was supposed to be spent working on the final exam, but I am so relaxed and I wanted to just lay down and nap.
Chloe and I are going to decorate my journal with stickers that I bought a week ago. They came in on Monday. Tons of stickers. I really love ordering stickers from that place and putting them in my journals. They make the pages come alive. I also love Moo’s round stickers. I have stickers of all my friends stuck on my computer, in my journals on their birthdays, anniversaries, or just because, and it really makes me happy. Weird little hobby that I have.
Another addiction/hobby that I have is collecting MAC Lipsticks. I’ve spent about $1,200 on MAC Lipsticks alone. With 80+ shades, I have quite the collection. I have three makeup bags full of MAC Lipsticks. That’s not even counting the Lipglassees that I have. I tried to match them with the Lipsticks that I have, but I just couldn’t get all the colours that I wanted. Plus, mixing them up is a good thing, right?
It got well into the 80’s today. And it’s only April! I really hate the heat. I’ve got the air conditioner going full blast. Ahhhh…Recycled air! But it makes for great sun sets and the stars look amazing this time of year. Maybe they look amazing all year long. I’m going out to gaze upon them again tonight, if my neck isn’t too stiff and hurting. I wake up with my neck hurting all the time. I think I need a new pillow.
Smile! This world is a beautiful place!
Today I am thankful for soft, fluffy pillows!
Chloe saved up her allowance and bought me a Build-A-Bear tye-dye bear.
She named the bear “Hope”. I think this was a sweet thing to do. We really taught Chloe compassion and empathy and love. I couldn’t ask for a better kid.
I first want to start out by saying I’m sorry that my site was down yesterday. I don’t know what happened since my hosts never emailed me back. I really wanted to write last night. So much more goodies were bought. I got two new pairs of jeans that actually fit me. I’ve lost another twenty pounds and now I weigh 122 lbs. All of my clothes were too big, so I had to buy some smaller jeans. I also picked up Chloe’s Easter basket while I was out:
And I put all of my MAC run offs into a MAC Liberty of London bag:
Aside from the stickers and a couple of tubes of lipstick by MAC, I’m done shopping for a while. I’m out of money and I want to work long enough to get that $1000 monthly bonus. Yes, I’m back to sticking to the University for now. I just can’t make up my mind! I want to stay at the University, and there’s no reason why I can’t. I can say that I’ve had fun shopping these past few days. I really think that retail therapy is the best therapy for me. I’ve been happy and hardly had a bad thought at all this past week.
Aside from that, I haven’t been feeling well. I relapsed and I’m sleepy and tired all of a sudden. I’ve had too many pills, too much insulin. My vision is blurred, I’m dizzy and tired as fuck. I just want to sleep forever. I can barely see to write this entry. That’s how bad I am.
Things in general are looking up. The meeting at Chloe’s school was a success. Her teachers don’t really think anything bad about Dennis or his line of work; it’s not illegal and it pays their bills, so they can’t protest too much. Chloe was encouraged to talk to her teachers privately if she thinks there is a problem. It’s a part of growing up. I’m glad that she agreed to do this. I have faith that my little girl would do this. The University has offered me a $1000 bonus per month that I work without missing a day. I really want this, and it would really help us out a lot, so I am going to take it.
I saved the best part for last.
I have acquired Roxanna’s old domain and I’m in the process of putting her old content back up. I’m uploading plugins and themes in the WordPress installation I put on there yesterday when I acquired the domain. I am excited to be doing this. Roxanna and I had our extreme differences and she trashed a lot of my gay friends, but we were still friends, even if it was complicated at times. I can’t say she would have done the same thing for me, had I been the one who died first, but I am doing this because I loved her. No matter how many times she came on to Dennis or hit me up for pictures of myself to give to my stalker (in the beginning). I really think she loved me back. And that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
~Have a nice night. The stars are shining bright.~
No MAC review. Sorry to disappoint. I have plenty to review, I just don’t have it all yet. Yes, there are more orders coming in and I hope they get here before Monday. Tuesday at the latest. I want to review them all in bulk and be done with it. I know I’m no good at applying or using cosmetics and I don’t pretend to be. So I’m probably using 90% of these things wrong.
My new site is going swimmingly. Heh. Get the reference? Anyway, I’m getting decent traffic there. I was informed that I got over 1000 visitors to this site as of late. I was even asked what my secret was. It’s simple: Be real. People love to relate, and I am no exception. I can relate to many people, and they can relate to me. I also have a new Flickr account going. So add me over there! Lots of pix of me, my adventures, my work, my co-workers, and my family. It’s so liberating, having this new freedom, knowing that my good stuff isn’t going to be ripped off by some hairy-assed, pathetic bitch up north. I’m sure you’ve all read my rant on her though. No need to rehash that here. ;P
Work was interesting. We’re writing the final exams for the year, and I’m stuck on the third question. I wish we could write Seth MacFarlane song questions and astronomy questions. I could write a novel of questions on those subjects. I love them so much. But we’re all stuck on the third question! All the professors! It’s like that is going to be the death of us, either we get something that’s completely Mickey Mouse and give it as a free question, or the exam just be two questions plus the four essays. I say we stick to the original twenty question exam, but we’re all stumped! It’s so funny.
I’m glad it’s Friday. No more rushing around, no more getting up at the crack of dawn. We get paid on Tuesday, so I’ll be able to go shopping with my money. More MAC stuff? We’ll just have to wait and see! I really want to get some more Lipglass since the writing is rubbing off on mine. It just doesn’t look authentic without the writing on it. I know, OMG, how will people know I’m using MAC?????!!!! Haha. It’s just the idea that they made a shoddy product. My MAC labels don’t rub off on the other stuff that I have.
I think I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight. My tee shirt is down to my knees now. I know that I shouldn’t have lost any more weight, but with the diet I’m on, it’s pretty easy. I eat mostly salads these days, and I feel better about myself.
We’re going bowling tonight, Dennis and I. We might pick up Matt if he wants to go. Possibly Michelle and Lance. I hope not, though. I’ve had enough of Lance that I can stomach. I know that’s mean to say, but it’s the truth. The truth hurts some times. Right?
My second doctor’s appointment wasn’t any better.
Basically he said that my body is tired of fighting and I personally need the break in treatment. I’m losing my toenails and I have infections in both toes that I lost the nails on over the last few days. I have several other infections ravaging through me right now, and I’m on an antibiotic to fight them off.
The pain in my back is caused from a tumor on my spine. The bloody stools could be from a tumor in my lower intestine, they need to run more tests. More CT scans, more PET scans, more MRIs. I hate those machines. They always creep me out.
I don’t want to focus on the negative. I want to focus on the positive. There doesn’t seem to be much of a positive in here, but I’m sure I’ll find that silver lining. There has to be a positive somewhere out there.
I asked my doctor about alternative treatments, and he couldn’t think of any. So basically I am backed in a corner, and I just have to wait for the paint to dry to cross the floor. I just hope that I didn’t paint myself in a corner with a door and someone opens that door and whacks me in the head with it. Wha…? I’m not thinking clearly.
I must be sick because the doctor offered me unlimited pain killer refills. I’ve taken quite a few, and I feel loopy.
I want to say that my doctor’s conclusion is not my conclusion. I don’t want to quit now. I want to fight some more. I don’t feel tired. I wish that he would tell me more than “you can’t” or “I just don’t recommend it” or some other nonsense than that. I want an explanation! I want to know why he is giving up on me. I want to find a second doctor to tell me that I should just go to bed with unlimited pain killers and cover my head and forget about life. I don’t want to forget about the life that I have lived. I really love being alive and I want to continue to live. I was finally happy where I was and then I get thrown a curve ball like this. It’s just not right.
The problem is the last time I tried to change doctors, I was blocked by my current doctor because he’s afraid I’m going to tell on him. For what I don’t know. I wish I did know, so I could reassure him that I’m not going to snitch on him.
I promise that tomorrow I’ll have something better to post. Something positive. Maybe do a review of the MAC cosmetics I have been purchasing all week.
Right now I am going to go out and gaze at the stars. It’s a clear night and I want to see them while I can. I want to gaze up at the sky and be at peace with my life. Even if it’s for one second.
I was put on palliative care today.
What that means is they aren’t going to progress my treatment, but they aren’t going to give up on me, either. Right now they are focusing on making me comfortable. Pain meds, NSAIDS, longer sleep hours.
I don’t like that the doctor is giving my treatment a “break”.
I’ve been on treatment for a year and a half. At the time, I was deemed “curable”. Now the story has changed and they want to give up on me. Let me lay in bed, stoned, all the time, unaware of what is going on around me. I don’t like the thought of that. I want to be aware of what is going on around me. I don’t like feeling like I’m out of control.
The news is upsetting. I’ve cried over this so many times. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where I’ll be this time next year, or who will care for my kids. I don’t know how my family will make it without me.
I know there are people out there who will tell me to wipe the tears from my eyes and live life to the fullest every day! That way I’ll have no regrets! I really wish I could. I wish there was someone I could confide in that I didn’t care if my death would hurt them. It would make it easier to tell Dennis what palliative care is exactly.
I’m not giving up that easily. I want to fight this fight! Even if it means finding another doctor, one who will fight for me! I want to know why my doctor gave up on me, and tomorrow I will be going back to find out why and where I can go from here. Pray for me. The journey is going to long and rough, but I promise not to turn around or give up!
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