Archive for the 'Life' Category
I’m transferring files, mostly WordPress Themes, over to my new domain. Don’t worry, I still have a few months here, so I’ll make the best of it while I’m here. I just need a change of pace, you know? something new, something NU. Ha ha. Get it? No? Oh well. It’s taken hours to transfer all of those files over to the new domain. I wish it didn’t take so long and that I knew how much longer I had to wait. I’ve made a DVD, ate dinner, had three shots, all of this since I got home and started the transfer.
Can you tell I love to talk about geek stuff? I could talk about my pages and times on the web all day if I had nothing else to talk about. But there are other parts of my life, and I have to split it up equally.
In the mean time, Zinnia has started babbling more. She’s walking now and talking somewhat plain. I can understand her. Chloe can’t understand her, but Chloe is very impatient with her little sister. I often wonder if having another baby was the right thing to do. We didn’t exactly plan Zinnia, but we love her very much. I could have terminated the pregnancy, but I chose to keep my baby. I believe that choosing to keep your baby is just as important as choosing to abort or adopt out your baby. It’s still a choice, and one that Dennis and I made together. But something just doesn’t sit right with Chloe and the new baby. It’s been almost a year now, and they just don’t get along. I don’t know why.
It’s supposed to snow tonight, so no star gazing for me. I wanted to go out and see the stars tonight, too. Instead there’s a cold rain falling down on the rooftop. I can hear it so clearly, yet no one else here can. It drives me nuts sometimes, the constant patter of rain on the rooftop.
My friend, James, sang to me over Skype tonight. I don’t know why I felt the need to mention that, since it was so private and intimate at the time that it was happening. I really enjoyed it. Sing to me and I’ll love you forever. Smother you with hugs, kisses and huge tits. *giggle* If you want, that is. I really have a thing for musicians, I can’t explain it. There are some that I just can’t stand, but the majority of them I just want to screw their brains out, you know? Maybe you don’t. I just really love singing and hearing songs that aren’t available on iTunes. Something private and just between us. I was surprised that James would sing to me. He’s supposed to have this better life these days, but something keeps him coming back to me. I guess deep down I love him too, but it’s one of those things that just isn’t meant to be. Love is something special. It can’t be separated or forced. And I love my life that I have now. I assume that he loves his life too. We could never be together. Not in a million years.
Being on insulin has changed me. I check my blood sugar more often now, and I’m rotating my meters. The place that I keep them is a mess. I keep promising myself that I am going to clean up the bedroom, but then I get distracted. I’d rather be updating this site or writing than cleaning off the shelves where I keep my meters and medication, or cleaning out the desk. I really need to do both, though. It’s just that cleaning is so boring. There’s so much more fun things to do than clean off shelves, clean out a desk or sweep a floor.
We curbed Iha Baby last night for the vet to pick her up today for her autopsy. While Dennis and I were dragging her out the front door Zinnia waved and babbled “bye-bye doggie!” She even waved. It reminded me of when Chloe was three years old and her cousin, Jess, died. I don’t think she realised what happened other than Jess left us forever. Sometimes she talks about wanting to see Jess in Heaven, asking if Heaven is some place she can visit. Even to this day, Chloe talks about visiting Heaven, as if it’s a town down the road or something. I think she was especially close to Jess because Jess was her baby sitter for so long, they bonded.
Tonight is a clear night for a change. I tried to see the stars from the bathroom window since it’s the only window we have on the west side of the house that I can get to right now (Dennis is on the land line and blocking the kitchen window on the west side of the house), without an awning blocking my view. I saw the moon, but no stars. I miss seeing the stars at night. I want to go out some night and just gaze through my telescope at the night sky until I’m too tired to stand up any more. That probably won’t take long knowing me, but at least I’d be able to see the stars for a change. I spend much of my night alone with Zinnia. Maybe some day that will change, but right now, it’s mostly alone for me. I really should get back into spending time with friends, going out. I haven’t done much of that since Zinnia was born almost a year ago. Although I am meeting Michelle and Lance on the 6th for our “do we really want to go back working for the Medical Examiner” meeting, I feel as though I am essentially alone. Chloe does her thing alone and usually only comes around when she wants nail polish or for me to fix her hair. The boys entertain themselves, and all I have is Zinnia and Ziggy, mostly because Ziggy is lazy and wants to sleep on my soft bed and Zinnia can’t walk away yet.
Lonely, oh so lonely.
I start to think about what happened to me. Why am I so alone all of a sudden? I got my wish, my husband is home now, he could take me out at night or I could go out with friends. He certainly goes out with friends every once in a while. I don’t even call my friends anymore. It’s as though since Zinnia was born I have crawled into a shell and not come out. I haven’t gotten sicker, that I can feel, but I am pushing people away. I’m certain that my friends would love to hear from me, other than facebook updates. Since starting insulin, I have holed up even more. It’s as though I am ashamed of being on the medicine. What is there to be ashamed of? I didn’t get this way from being morbidly obese, not that being fat would be shameful, but I think some of my friends are that shallow. I’m afraid to go out for very long because I have insulin to take morning, noon, night and bedtime. I keep a strict schedule all of a sudden. A schedule with no “me” time.
In the meantime, I am buying professional themes and wasting money left and right. Dennis is going to kill me when he gets the credit card bill this month. But it was all worth it.
And the dog is laughing at me.
It’s a lazy, beautiful day out. I’m enjoying the sunshine before the wintery mix comes in this weekend. Seriously, am I the only one who is sick and tired of winter? I want to wear shorts and feel the fresh grass between my toes. I guess I’ll just have to wait a few more weeks. Come mid-July I’ll be bitching about the heat, I know I will be.
Michelle, Lance and I are going to meet up about winning our lawsuit. I’m not sure I want to go back to working in the morgue. I like being a professor. As I touched on in my last entry, I love that people are hanging on my every word. I love my line of work. I know what to expect, I can work with the dead in GA Labs, and I don’t have that far to walk from my car to the building. Just because we won the lawsuit doesn’t mean that I have to go back to my old line of work. Michelle and Lance are wanting me to go back and the three of us work as a team again. I don’t know if I want to do that.
Chloe is still bouncing off the walls. I don’t know what is wrong with that girl. She keeps talking a mile a minute about her day, her Barbies, the dogs, her school work. It’s enough to make me want to get out the NyQuil again! I asked her to be quiet several times, but she’s still for about three seconds and then goes off again. I even offered to paint her nails to get her to sit still and she didn’t take me up on the offer! I don’t know what to do with her. I don’t think she has any hyperactivity problems, but what do I know?
I know that it’s a nice day out, and that I should take the little ones to a park to blow off some of their hyperactivity. That might make me not have to use the NyQuil tonight!
I feel at a loss for what to write here. There’s so much that I want to say, but there’s so much that I can’t say for fear that my stalker will use it against me. There’s also the problem that I felt that it’s all already been said a thousand times over again. Is that a sign that it’s time to close down the ole blog? I hope not. When I first started doing this, I was certain that I’d only do it a few times, now I’ve been plucking away at the keys for over fourteen years. That’s a long time. So many people are closing down their blogs. I wonder why that is? They never give an explanation other than they don’t want to keep the blog anymore. The web is littered with LiveJournal and BlogSpot accounts that haven’t been updated in a decade or more. Not many people stick with writing online. They certainly don’t do it as long as I have.
Not that I am seriously thinking about quitting. I just have so many other projects going on that it’s impossible to keep them straight at the moment.
Add to the fact that Lance, Michelle and I won our court case. We can go back to working in the morgue at after March 6th. I was so happy and excited for that. More money, a job I love more. Or do I? Watching my students take down notes of everything I was saying this morning was really up-lifting. They hang on my every word. They trust me. They do what I say. They memorise what I say. They take tests that I write and write down things that I have told them. Do I really want to give this up? Do I really want to go back to handling dead people? If I don’t go back to my old job, all that court cases and appeals and lawyer fees will have been for nothing. Lance and Michelle might stop talking to me. It’s a risk I think I’ll take. Life is just one big exciting thing after another.
I actually feel happy at the moment. Happy that I can do what I please and that I’m no longer under any laws that say I can’t do this or that.
Last night I had a parenting fail moment. I gave Chloe some NyQuil so I could get some sleep. She just wouldn’t stop talking and bouncing off the walls. I hate that I had to drug her, but I felt like I had no other choice. I’m an awful parent who doesn’t deserve her kids, right?
So here are the physical gifts that I got for Valentine’s Day. I really liked them all, and I am really fortunate enough to have a husband who is not too proud to go into jewelry stores and buy me things. Like the entire Open Hearts Collection from Tiffany’s!
Or the Godiva teddy bear with candy:
Maybe getting the diamonds re-set in my wedding band:
I think I’ll make a bold move…
Do I really dare to wear that outside of the bathroom???? I know what my doctor said, but I think we’ll make our next baby tonight.
I hope your Valentine’s Day was just as fun and fun-filled as mine was. I’ll write about the Sock Hop tomorrow night. I’m just so tired from all that dancing and singing and more dancing. I think Justin is just as tired. We won second place in the dance off, and more people cheered when Dennis and I were singing than at the entire Sock Hop.
One of the better things that I got for Valentine’s Day was a song Dennis sang exclusively to me, in our bedroom. I really married my best friend when I married him! He’s happy with me working, he’s happy with the house being a mess, because with four kids plus a senior citizen, there’s no way this place could possibly stay clean. So I just don’t try. Why bother? I missed so many of PoRo’s milestones scrubbing the bath tub, washing dishes, vacuuming, and taking out trash. I’d rather have the memory of the boys’ first loose teeth than the thought of me lugging heavy bags of trash out to the curb. I can’t believe I used to rush home to wash dishes, clean floors, clean a bathroom and chuck trash outside. What was I thinking?! I have more fun these days and I don’t have to worry abut that is getting done or not.
So I’m tired and heading off to bed. Here’s hoping that I don’t sleep too long tomorrow. I have a lot of writing to get done this weekend. Plus I may opt to teach in the summer. I think that would help keep my mind off of that bad bill of health I got the other day. I’ll touch on that tomorrow. I wish things were better, but it just doesn’t seem to be that way. Pray for me,
We finally got the lights fixed in the bedroom. With all this bright light, I can finally see how cluttered the bedroom truly is. I wanted to clean it up, put some books standing on end on the desk to make me look like an intellect at home, but the stress of cleaning really turns me off. Who the hell is going to be seeing this mess other than us? So what if we live like pigs, where our dirty laundry is on the floor, the bed is unmade and there is dust on the appliances? We have lives, that don’t involve being janitors. Besides, my shrink told me that a spotless house is a sign of a mental illness. I do have to clean out the desk, though. All that clutter is getting the best of it and I can’t open and close the drawers properly anymore.
So what do we spend our time on here at home? As artists, we write, we draw. We spend $600 on coloured pencils. I’m the TV watcher. I have to have the TV on all the time or I can’t seem to concentrate. Dennis is the radio person. He has a radio or his phone playing music all day. When we’re not writing or drawing, we’re taking care of an infant and she’s spoiled rotten. Things have to be a certain way with her, or she gets upset. Then there are the other three that I really have to keep an eye on. But as artists, we sort of put our talent ahead of taking care of our kids. Rather than buy the kids a BluRay player/recorder and some blank BluRay discs, we bought coloured pencils. Probably instead of a Valentine’s Day present, Chloe will get a visit to the dentist. She’s due.
Of course if you take me seriously, you have serious issues.
But we did buy the coloured pencils instead of a BluRay player/recorder. And yes, the kids will be able to use them. Dennis is teaching Chloe art strokes and pen and ink as we speak (I type?). It’s something that is going to get her a long way and she really could use something to occupy her mind more than music and dolls. Something she can do when she’s in high school and won’t be picked on or made fun of for doing.
Had a hard day. But there’s no easy days when you’re prepping your students for mid-terms. Yes, it’s only three weeks into the new semester, but I’m already prepping for mid-terms. So far there have been a few students who can’t keep up and they’re whining that I’m “unfair” but if they took notes in lectures and actually paid attention to what I say in the lectures, they’d be doing just fine. I noticed these are the same students that ran out on the GA labs. If you can’t handle the dead, you have no business being a doctor. Just saying. Apparently the administration staff agrees with me because they told these whiny cry babies to suck it up, study more and stop trying to fuck with an honest working woman.Would you want a doctor working on you who whined and cried their way through med school? Yeah, me neither.
Next week we get to do it all over again!
Or I may not be doing much.
The other night I almost went to the hospital. The chest pains were bad, and I had no pain killers around except for those flimsy patches that don’t do anything for me. I may still go out there yet. I was denied being sent out there because there were other things that needed done and lord knows I’m the only one who does them or they just don’t get done. I’ve had to take out the curtains from the bathroom because our nasty assed family will wipe their shitty asses on them if they run out of toilet paper on the pot. I’ve had to remove the dish towels from the kitchen because people thought they were to blow their noses on.
Not that I’m complaining. I love my family. I love their quirks, no matter how nasty they are. Someone’s got to love these people.
I also was sick. Throwing up sick. I promise I wasn’t in withdrawal, but I was having problems just the same. I wanted to go out to the ED. I got dressed, I waited in the car. Nothing. What if I were really sick and about to die? What then? I hate the conditions I live under sometimes. No wonder my ex seems appealing these days. At least he was concerned when I was sick and treated me better.
Speaking of ex’s and drama, I’ve posted about this on my new URL but I won’t be linking to it here. Want to know where and what went on? Email me! I’ll gladly give anyone the new URL. I just can’t put it here because certain people stalk this site. What they’er looking for, I don’t know. . But back to my new URL, I wrote about a certain someone whom I had an affair with nearly ten years ago, and now it’s come back into light. Hey, it’s not my fault that when I tried to call him six months later, five months after I found out he had a wife, that his number was disconnected. We could already have plowed through this drama. But it’s more fun to make a spectacle of yourself, I suppose. I hope the outcome is in my favour, but something in the back of my head tells me that he’s right and this is all going to get nasty in the next few months. It may even make the news! It’s certainly going to go around the O Boards. Ooopsie.
So back to work on my new site for me. Yippie! Have a good night every one!
currently viewing: %%range%%