Archive for the 'Life' Category
I first want to start out by saying I’m sorry that my site was down yesterday. I don’t know what happened since my hosts never emailed me back. I really wanted to write last night. So much more goodies were bought. I got two new pairs of jeans that actually fit me. I’ve lost another twenty pounds and now I weigh 122 lbs. All of my clothes were too big, so I had to buy some smaller jeans. I also picked up Chloe’s Easter basket while I was out:
And I put all of my MAC run offs into a MAC Liberty of London bag:
Aside from the stickers and a couple of tubes of lipstick by MAC, I’m done shopping for a while. I’m out of money and I want to work long enough to get that $1000 monthly bonus. Yes, I’m back to sticking to the University for now. I just can’t make up my mind! I want to stay at the University, and there’s no reason why I can’t. I can say that I’ve had fun shopping these past few days. I really think that retail therapy is the best therapy for me. I’ve been happy and hardly had a bad thought at all this past week.
Aside from that, I haven’t been feeling well. I relapsed and I’m sleepy and tired all of a sudden. I’ve had too many pills, too much insulin. My vision is blurred, I’m dizzy and tired as fuck. I just want to sleep forever. I can barely see to write this entry. That’s how bad I am.
Things in general are looking up. The meeting at Chloe’s school was a success. Her teachers don’t really think anything bad about Dennis or his line of work; it’s not illegal and it pays their bills, so they can’t protest too much. Chloe was encouraged to talk to her teachers privately if she thinks there is a problem. It’s a part of growing up. I’m glad that she agreed to do this. I have faith that my little girl would do this. The University has offered me a $1000 bonus per month that I work without missing a day. I really want this, and it would really help us out a lot, so I am going to take it.
I saved the best part for last.
I have acquired Roxanna’s old domain and I’m in the process of putting her old content back up. I’m uploading plugins and themes in the WordPress installation I put on there yesterday when I acquired the domain. I am excited to be doing this. Roxanna and I had our extreme differences and she trashed a lot of my gay friends, but we were still friends, even if it was complicated at times. I can’t say she would have done the same thing for me, had I been the one who died first, but I am doing this because I loved her. No matter how many times she came on to Dennis or hit me up for pictures of myself to give to my stalker (in the beginning). I really think she loved me back. And that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
~Have a nice night. The stars are shining bright.~
No MAC review. Sorry to disappoint. I have plenty to review, I just don’t have it all yet. Yes, there are more orders coming in and I hope they get here before Monday. Tuesday at the latest. I want to review them all in bulk and be done with it. I know I’m no good at applying or using cosmetics and I don’t pretend to be. So I’m probably using 90% of these things wrong.
My new site is going swimmingly. Heh. Get the reference? Anyway, I’m getting decent traffic there. I was informed that I got over 1000 visitors to this site as of late. I was even asked what my secret was. It’s simple: Be real. People love to relate, and I am no exception. I can relate to many people, and they can relate to me. I also have a new Flickr account going. So add me over there! Lots of pix of me, my adventures, my work, my co-workers, and my family. It’s so liberating, having this new freedom, knowing that my good stuff isn’t going to be ripped off by some hairy-assed, pathetic bitch up north. I’m sure you’ve all read my rant on her though. No need to rehash that here. ;P
Work was interesting. We’re writing the final exams for the year, and I’m stuck on the third question. I wish we could write Seth MacFarlane song questions and astronomy questions. I could write a novel of questions on those subjects. I love them so much. But we’re all stuck on the third question! All the professors! It’s like that is going to be the death of us, either we get something that’s completely Mickey Mouse and give it as a free question, or the exam just be two questions plus the four essays. I say we stick to the original twenty question exam, but we’re all stumped! It’s so funny.
I’m glad it’s Friday. No more rushing around, no more getting up at the crack of dawn. We get paid on Tuesday, so I’ll be able to go shopping with my money. More MAC stuff? We’ll just have to wait and see! I really want to get some more Lipglass since the writing is rubbing off on mine. It just doesn’t look authentic without the writing on it. I know, OMG, how will people know I’m using MAC?????!!!! Haha. It’s just the idea that they made a shoddy product. My MAC labels don’t rub off on the other stuff that I have.
I think I’ve lost a considerable amount of weight. My tee shirt is down to my knees now. I know that I shouldn’t have lost any more weight, but with the diet I’m on, it’s pretty easy. I eat mostly salads these days, and I feel better about myself.
We’re going bowling tonight, Dennis and I. We might pick up Matt if he wants to go. Possibly Michelle and Lance. I hope not, though. I’ve had enough of Lance that I can stomach. I know that’s mean to say, but it’s the truth. The truth hurts some times. Right?
My second doctor’s appointment wasn’t any better.
Basically he said that my body is tired of fighting and I personally need the break in treatment. I’m losing my toenails and I have infections in both toes that I lost the nails on over the last few days. I have several other infections ravaging through me right now, and I’m on an antibiotic to fight them off.
The pain in my back is caused from a tumor on my spine. The bloody stools could be from a tumor in my lower intestine, they need to run more tests. More CT scans, more PET scans, more MRIs. I hate those machines. They always creep me out.
I don’t want to focus on the negative. I want to focus on the positive. There doesn’t seem to be much of a positive in here, but I’m sure I’ll find that silver lining. There has to be a positive somewhere out there.
I asked my doctor about alternative treatments, and he couldn’t think of any. So basically I am backed in a corner, and I just have to wait for the paint to dry to cross the floor. I just hope that I didn’t paint myself in a corner with a door and someone opens that door and whacks me in the head with it. Wha…? I’m not thinking clearly.
I must be sick because the doctor offered me unlimited pain killer refills. I’ve taken quite a few, and I feel loopy.
I want to say that my doctor’s conclusion is not my conclusion. I don’t want to quit now. I want to fight some more. I don’t feel tired. I wish that he would tell me more than “you can’t” or “I just don’t recommend it” or some other nonsense than that. I want an explanation! I want to know why he is giving up on me. I want to find a second doctor to tell me that I should just go to bed with unlimited pain killers and cover my head and forget about life. I don’t want to forget about the life that I have lived. I really love being alive and I want to continue to live. I was finally happy where I was and then I get thrown a curve ball like this. It’s just not right.
The problem is the last time I tried to change doctors, I was blocked by my current doctor because he’s afraid I’m going to tell on him. For what I don’t know. I wish I did know, so I could reassure him that I’m not going to snitch on him.
I promise that tomorrow I’ll have something better to post. Something positive. Maybe do a review of the MAC cosmetics I have been purchasing all week.
Right now I am going to go out and gaze at the stars. It’s a clear night and I want to see them while I can. I want to gaze up at the sky and be at peace with my life. Even if it’s for one second.
I was put on palliative care today.
What that means is they aren’t going to progress my treatment, but they aren’t going to give up on me, either. Right now they are focusing on making me comfortable. Pain meds, NSAIDS, longer sleep hours.
I don’t like that the doctor is giving my treatment a “break”.
I’ve been on treatment for a year and a half. At the time, I was deemed “curable”. Now the story has changed and they want to give up on me. Let me lay in bed, stoned, all the time, unaware of what is going on around me. I don’t like the thought of that. I want to be aware of what is going on around me. I don’t like feeling like I’m out of control.
The news is upsetting. I’ve cried over this so many times. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where I’ll be this time next year, or who will care for my kids. I don’t know how my family will make it without me.
I know there are people out there who will tell me to wipe the tears from my eyes and live life to the fullest every day! That way I’ll have no regrets! I really wish I could. I wish there was someone I could confide in that I didn’t care if my death would hurt them. It would make it easier to tell Dennis what palliative care is exactly.
I’m not giving up that easily. I want to fight this fight! Even if it means finding another doctor, one who will fight for me! I want to know why my doctor gave up on me, and tomorrow I will be going back to find out why and where I can go from here. Pray for me. The journey is going to long and rough, but I promise not to turn around or give up!
Tomorrow Dennis and I are going to Chloe’s school for a meeting about why she thinks her teachers don’t like her. I don’t like the whole idea of meeting with the teachers, but if this cures her dislike for school before she is permanently turned off by the idea of having an education, it will all be worth it.
I also have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.
That should go over well since I am technically sick. I tried my best and I failed at staying healthy. I failed Friday night, hence the melodramatic post.
On top of that all, I still have to go to work. Busy day tomorrow. But I’m looking forward to it all the same.
I posted about this somewhere else, but I’m going to touch on it here because I feel it’s important. I made some icons that I hoped to decorate my sites with. I know I’ll probably never use them, though. I start all these projects for the web or for scrapbooks, and then I never go through with them. I also bought some fonts that I feel that I will never use. I don’t know what to do to motivate me to pour my heart and soul into my web pages. I know if I tried a little harder, I’d probably get more comments, more repeat readers, more interactions, because right now I look like a fly-by-nighter and that’s just not true. I need to make my pages appear more permanent. Thirteen years on the web and I don’t have anything that makes it appear that I have been around that long. It really frustrates me.
I think I might make some themes and brushes for people to download. I used to design web pages and I had all kinds of designs here, but those days have passed and I just ran out of ideas. Plus I got lazy. That always helps, huh? Haha. Laziness. It seems to be contagious because Dennis is getting lazy with his writing as of late. I want to encourage him, but he doesn’t especially seem to want to encourage me.
Today is the last day of Spring Break. I’m kind of sad that I have to go back to work tomorrow, but at least I have the exams graded, a new lesson plan for the week, and I feel like I’m raring to go. I have so much that I am looking forward to. The end of the school year is one of them. I’ve decided that I possibly won’t go back to teaching in the summer, but take on that job with the medical examiner. I am torn about how I want to progress with that. On one hand it’s more money. On the other hand, it’s not as rewarding as being a professor.
I ordered some MAC lipglass. I can’t wait to try it. I’m not big on wearing lipgloss or lipglass, but I really want to try this. It seems like a wonderful colour. I wonder if anyone will notice when I wear it?
I’ve been enjoying my Spring Break. I almost don’t want to go back to work on Monday. But I have to. I have been writing out a lesson plan that’s killer. I can’t wait to show it to my students. I’m sure they will like it.
Chloe asked me today if she really had to go back to school on Monday. I informed her that yes, she had to go back to school on Monday. I asked her why she didn’t want to go, and she said that the teachers don’t like her. I’m not sure why the teachers wouldn’t like her, she’s a really good student. She said they just don’t like her. I didn’t know why she felt that way until she said that most of her teachers dislike her dad, and she defended him. I told her I was glad that she stood up for her father, but could it be that they disliked what he did for a living and not him personally? She had to think about that for a little while, before saying, “What difference does it matter? Dad is what he does and he’s the best dad in the world! There are so many kids there that don’t even know their dads! I think those dads are worse than mine! At least I know my dad!” I had to smile at that. Chloe has her head screwed on straight, even if it means going against people who are “above” her.
Dennis and I talked about this and we’re debating sending her to a different school. I want to talk to the teachers there and find out if they really have a problem with Dennis or not. Chloe has a really big imagination, and I like to nurture it, and I plan to nurture it for as long as I possibly can, and some times that imagination can run wild. She thinks things that are not always true. She gets that from me. I let my mind run wild some times, and I think that people are mad at me when they really are not. Still, if the teachers have a problem with Dennis or what he does for a living, maybe it’s time for a new school. One that is not so critical of where their money comes from. It’s not as if he’s doing something illegal.
I put on some powder foundation for the first time in ages, today. It seemed a little strange, wearing make up. I never do. It’s not that I think I’m too pretty for make up, it’s that I’m too lazy to put it on and take it off properly. Dennis said I looked “bright and sunny” today. I didn’t tell him that I was wearing foundation. I was a little embarrassed to admit to wearing it.
I’m going to go back and watch movies with Dennis for the night. I made a layout for spring (tomorrow!) that I think everyone will like. I worked hard on getting it to work properly on WordPress. I used to use the layout on MovableType back in the day. But it’s simple and clean and that’s what I was going for in a layout. Plus I can have my ten entries on the page and not worry about it looking too cluttered.
I just read an essay online about someone’s experience with my brother in law, Billy. I feel like projectile vomiting. Fans are so… disgusting. The way they tear each other down and the way they think they are the world to their celebrity. I remember when a fan girl tore into me for posting pictures of my own husband on a forum. I never did that again!
I’m feeling particularly nostalgic because I may actually be getting Roxanna’s old domain after all. The idea of making a shrine to a dead woman and letting the world know what happened to her makes me think of my own death. Who will tell the world when I die? Almost all of my accounts are private from real life friends and family. I like it like that. I once had a freak print out my blog and physically mail it to my mother thinking they were doing harm, but my mother said I wouldn’t write things like that and just threw it away. I was so relieved.
But this thing with Billy has me feeling sad. No one really likes him in the family. He gave up his family for a fling, and now he has no close family members. I’d feel sorry for him, but he’s mean to me and has been for the last twelve years. I liked him much more before he met his fling, who is dead now, by the way. Billy thinks he can just pick up where we left off and be the best of friends again. I remember though. I remember the cruel things he said to me in defense of someone I’m fairly sure picked up the other end of the line because she was harvesting pictures and videos of me for my stalker. But I can’t convince Billy of that. I also can’t convince him that he was unreasonably hateful and mean to me during his eight year relationship with her. After I spent money buying him websites to email this woman at, and time setting up blogger/movabletype/wordpress accounts, designing them so that he was “unique” all so that he could write cruel things about me on the pages. In my full name, nevertheless.
But those websites are gone now, and I rarely get hits from them, if ever. I find myself on the WBM to remind myself what he did to me. I also read entries that people made about him to remind myself about the people who could have hurt me deeply. Crazy people. People who will do what someone says, no matter what the consequences. People who won’t second guess hurting a woman, even if she is disabled or unable to defend herself. And that is who Billy surrounds himself with.
As long as those people are around, I am going to make myself scarce. I don’t answer Billy’s calls. I don’t answer the door when he knocks. No birthday card this year, no Christmas cards with the family photo in it. Actually, we omitted him from the family photo in 2009. He doesn’t seem to have noticed.
Until today, he was completely oblivious to the fact that I have been ducking him for four years. Now he wants me to pay attention to him. He wants me to love him, to be his friend. I say fuck it. You made your choice, now go live with it.
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