Archive for the 'Medical' Category
I want to write again. I want things to go back to the way they were, but we all know that isn’t going to happen. Too many things have gone down and too many things have happened. I wish I could forget the last month of my life, except that short period when I stayed with Sidney in Los Angeles. I liked it there. His friends were so nice to me, and his producer was nice to me. I guess in general, I just want people to be nice to me. Isn’t that what we all want, really?
I had surgery on Monday. I just got home today. Three days I was in the hospital. I haven’t had a treatment in over a month. I went into strike mode a month ago, and refused everything. My medication, my treatments, my doctor visits. I felt like the only cancer patient in the history of man being denied pain management. I went through withdrawals. I overdosed on SRNI drugs. I spent more than a night at the hospital. I can’t say that I’m better, but I can say that I am back at square one with my medical problems. Suicide and attempted suicide don’t pay. They just complicate things more than one can imagine. I never revealed to anyone that I was suicidal. I certainly was. In a way, I was too far gone to start with. I didn’t want to go through the pains of withdrawal. It scared me. I knew what I was doing when I took that SRNI.
While I can be honest about some things, I can’t be honest about why I wanted to die. I can’t be that fucking honest. I want to be, but there is a part of me that doesn’t want that known. Not yet anyway.
And let’s be fair. That’s all anyone really cares about anyway, isn’t it?
The summer is going great. So to say.
I had surgery on Thursday and my face is so swollen I can barely breathe properly. My lips are swollen and I can’t eat solid food. But the doctor says that I’m going to be eating solids today so I can go home tomorrow. Remember that Twilight Zone episode, Eye of the Beholder? Where the woman wanted to be “beautiful” but all the “beautiful” people had fucked up faces? My lips look like those monsters. Swollen on one side, painful to touch, hiked up on one side. I could post pictures of myself, but I don’t want to scare anyone. I look pretty bad. The worst of it is that the only medicine I can have is penicillin, in a pill form, and it’s so damned hard to get my mouth open to swallow the pills. Then when I get them in my mouth, I dribble water all over the place because my lips don’t properly close around the straw. Yet the nurse came in at 8am with my meds and made me take them. To make matters worse, I can’t have any pain medication. None. Nothing. Not even a topical. I had to get the new intern at work to smuggle me in some Tylenol for my migraine I’m suffering from, and some hard coffee to help reduce the pain. I don’t see how I am going home tomorrow when I can’t eat today and I’m suffering so from the pain in my head and my lip. Plus the infection and swelling is so distressing, I really don’t know what I’m going to do.
Lots of things are going through my mind right now. Will I ever be able to wear lipstick and lipglass again? When will the pain go away? Am I going to have to bribe or threaten Joey to bring me coffee and pain killers every hour? How am I going to take my medication tonight? So many questions. Plus school starts in less than three weeks. How will I be able to talk to do lectures? This scarring on my lips wasn’t planned, but I was so out of it from the anesthetic that I bit my cheek, and then to clip the excess skin that I had bitten off, the doctor slipped and cut my lip. I know it was an accident, but damn. Am I going to be deformed for life because of this?
I’ve been awake for 16 hours. I should get back to sleep. To sleep this off is laughable. I can’t sleep because of the pain. But maybe if I try I can get some rest and the rest will help heal my lip. One can hope anyway.
Any advice for me for when I get home? Any medicated chapstick-like products can you recommend for me to put on this? What about pain killers? Should I use my migraine medications to stop the pain or should I load up on fentanyl when I get back home?
I’ve been incredibly busy this week. Dennis had a birthday yesterday, and so did Zinnia. We celebrated at a restaurant on Brookside. I got a new favourite picture of the girls there. Then we came home and Zinnia opened her presents. I put up pictures on my other site that I am slowly merging onto. I tried to stay away from the camera, but I think there are quite a few there that I was in. Oh well. Speaking of the new site, I added a photo gallery on there, with pictures of me on it. I know that I rarely do anything like that, but I thought it was time.
I’m also working on the final exam for the University. We have to get that turned in before May First. I never thought I would be glad that I am finishing up my semester, especially since I may not be coming back in the fall. We’ll have to see where I am, physically, and then go from there. I feel great, though. I don’t feel like I am sick or dying, even though my doctor says that I am seriously sick.
I spent the last couple of nights watching the sun set with Dennis. We’re skipping tonight because he has some writing to do, and I wanted some “me” time. Part of that “me” time was supposed to be spent working on the final exam, but I am so relaxed and I wanted to just lay down and nap.
Chloe and I are going to decorate my journal with stickers that I bought a week ago. They came in on Monday. Tons of stickers. I really love ordering stickers from that place and putting them in my journals. They make the pages come alive. I also love Moo’s round stickers. I have stickers of all my friends stuck on my computer, in my journals on their birthdays, anniversaries, or just because, and it really makes me happy. Weird little hobby that I have.
Another addiction/hobby that I have is collecting MAC Lipsticks. I’ve spent about $1,200 on MAC Lipsticks alone. With 80+ shades, I have quite the collection. I have three makeup bags full of MAC Lipsticks. That’s not even counting the Lipglassees that I have. I tried to match them with the Lipsticks that I have, but I just couldn’t get all the colours that I wanted. Plus, mixing them up is a good thing, right?
It got well into the 80’s today. And it’s only April! I really hate the heat. I’ve got the air conditioner going full blast. Ahhhh…Recycled air! But it makes for great sun sets and the stars look amazing this time of year. Maybe they look amazing all year long. I’m going out to gaze upon them again tonight, if my neck isn’t too stiff and hurting. I wake up with my neck hurting all the time. I think I need a new pillow.
Smile! This world is a beautiful place!
Today I am thankful for soft, fluffy pillows!
I first want to start out by saying I’m sorry that my site was down yesterday. I don’t know what happened since my hosts never emailed me back. I really wanted to write last night. So much more goodies were bought. I got two new pairs of jeans that actually fit me. I’ve lost another twenty pounds and now I weigh 122 lbs. All of my clothes were too big, so I had to buy some smaller jeans. I also picked up Chloe’s Easter basket while I was out:
And I put all of my MAC run offs into a MAC Liberty of London bag:
Aside from the stickers and a couple of tubes of lipstick by MAC, I’m done shopping for a while. I’m out of money and I want to work long enough to get that $1000 monthly bonus. Yes, I’m back to sticking to the University for now. I just can’t make up my mind! I want to stay at the University, and there’s no reason why I can’t. I can say that I’ve had fun shopping these past few days. I really think that retail therapy is the best therapy for me. I’ve been happy and hardly had a bad thought at all this past week.
Aside from that, I haven’t been feeling well. I relapsed and I’m sleepy and tired all of a sudden. I’ve had too many pills, too much insulin. My vision is blurred, I’m dizzy and tired as fuck. I just want to sleep forever. I can barely see to write this entry. That’s how bad I am.
Things in general are looking up. The meeting at Chloe’s school was a success. Her teachers don’t really think anything bad about Dennis or his line of work; it’s not illegal and it pays their bills, so they can’t protest too much. Chloe was encouraged to talk to her teachers privately if she thinks there is a problem. It’s a part of growing up. I’m glad that she agreed to do this. I have faith that my little girl would do this. The University has offered me a $1000 bonus per month that I work without missing a day. I really want this, and it would really help us out a lot, so I am going to take it.
I saved the best part for last.
I have acquired Roxanna’s old domain and I’m in the process of putting her old content back up. I’m uploading plugins and themes in the WordPress installation I put on there yesterday when I acquired the domain. I am excited to be doing this. Roxanna and I had our extreme differences and she trashed a lot of my gay friends, but we were still friends, even if it was complicated at times. I can’t say she would have done the same thing for me, had I been the one who died first, but I am doing this because I loved her. No matter how many times she came on to Dennis or hit me up for pictures of myself to give to my stalker (in the beginning). I really think she loved me back. And that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
~Have a nice night. The stars are shining bright.~
My second doctor’s appointment wasn’t any better.
Basically he said that my body is tired of fighting and I personally need the break in treatment. I’m losing my toenails and I have infections in both toes that I lost the nails on over the last few days. I have several other infections ravaging through me right now, and I’m on an antibiotic to fight them off.
The pain in my back is caused from a tumor on my spine. The bloody stools could be from a tumor in my lower intestine, they need to run more tests. More CT scans, more PET scans, more MRIs. I hate those machines. They always creep me out.
I don’t want to focus on the negative. I want to focus on the positive. There doesn’t seem to be much of a positive in here, but I’m sure I’ll find that silver lining. There has to be a positive somewhere out there.
I asked my doctor about alternative treatments, and he couldn’t think of any. So basically I am backed in a corner, and I just have to wait for the paint to dry to cross the floor. I just hope that I didn’t paint myself in a corner with a door and someone opens that door and whacks me in the head with it. Wha…? I’m not thinking clearly.
I must be sick because the doctor offered me unlimited pain killer refills. I’ve taken quite a few, and I feel loopy.
I want to say that my doctor’s conclusion is not my conclusion. I don’t want to quit now. I want to fight some more. I don’t feel tired. I wish that he would tell me more than “you can’t” or “I just don’t recommend it” or some other nonsense than that. I want an explanation! I want to know why he is giving up on me. I want to find a second doctor to tell me that I should just go to bed with unlimited pain killers and cover my head and forget about life. I don’t want to forget about the life that I have lived. I really love being alive and I want to continue to live. I was finally happy where I was and then I get thrown a curve ball like this. It’s just not right.
The problem is the last time I tried to change doctors, I was blocked by my current doctor because he’s afraid I’m going to tell on him. For what I don’t know. I wish I did know, so I could reassure him that I’m not going to snitch on him.
I promise that tomorrow I’ll have something better to post. Something positive. Maybe do a review of the MAC cosmetics I have been purchasing all week.
Right now I am going to go out and gaze at the stars. It’s a clear night and I want to see them while I can. I want to gaze up at the sky and be at peace with my life. Even if it’s for one second.
I was put on palliative care today.
What that means is they aren’t going to progress my treatment, but they aren’t going to give up on me, either. Right now they are focusing on making me comfortable. Pain meds, NSAIDS, longer sleep hours.
I don’t like that the doctor is giving my treatment a “break”.
I’ve been on treatment for a year and a half. At the time, I was deemed “curable”. Now the story has changed and they want to give up on me. Let me lay in bed, stoned, all the time, unaware of what is going on around me. I don’t like the thought of that. I want to be aware of what is going on around me. I don’t like feeling like I’m out of control.
The news is upsetting. I’ve cried over this so many times. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where I’ll be this time next year, or who will care for my kids. I don’t know how my family will make it without me.
I know there are people out there who will tell me to wipe the tears from my eyes and live life to the fullest every day! That way I’ll have no regrets! I really wish I could. I wish there was someone I could confide in that I didn’t care if my death would hurt them. It would make it easier to tell Dennis what palliative care is exactly.
I’m not giving up that easily. I want to fight this fight! Even if it means finding another doctor, one who will fight for me! I want to know why my doctor gave up on me, and tomorrow I will be going back to find out why and where I can go from here. Pray for me. The journey is going to long and rough, but I promise not to turn around or give up!
I am sick.
Not “in dire need of some opiates” sick, but the kind of sick that makes your brain fuzzy and you want to stay in bed all day. I’ve taken some medicines, put on some creams where I was sore, and I’m waiting on the Coke (cola) and ginger ale to whisk me away while Carl does the lectures.
Dr.Bishop and I talked of how long I expected to work. I laughed and said until I was well into my 70s, maybe 80s, and that I planned to live forever. He didn’t see my humor. “You’ve got to be realistic”. Realistic. I have a head CT in a week, and since I can’t get my doctor to schedule radiation therapy or a gamma knife, my tumor is probably too large to operate on anymore. How’s that for realistic? Trevor isn’t helping any at home, I have a baby who needs me and little kids who cannot prepare their own food, with a father who disassociates every month or so. I berate myself over my thoughts as it replays the what if’s that hold me back from the fulfillment I’m seeking. How’s that for realistic? I hate people who want me to be realistic when I want to turn away from the darkness. Is it a crime to smile once in a while? Is it a crime to let someone be happy?
I feel that if I were happy, I’d feel much better about my outcome of things.
I know that my time here is limited. That’s why I come in every day. I know that some thing bad is going to happen. I’m okay with that. I’ll jump that hurdle when I come to it. For the time being I’d like to smile. I’d like to laugh. I’d like to share a joke or two with everyone. Just let me be happy. For once.
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