Archive for the 'Medical' Category
I called the parents of my friend who passed away back in September. I asked if I could bring my family by for Christmas lunch or dinner. They were thrilled to have us! Doc Dan is such a wonderful doctor and person. I was so saddened when his youngest child died at the age of 29. I picked them each up something today while I was out secretly Christmas shopping.
I spent more than I should have buying gifts for everyone. I spent about $5,000. No kidding. I maxed out two credit cards, wrote checks, and purged my debit card. I estimated that it came to $5,000. It may be more or less. I told my husband that I spent $500 and he had a fit. Wait till the bill comes in, sugar. Ha ha.
I tire easily these days. It’s gotten worse since I returned from Los Angeles. I think it’s guilt and depression making things hard on me. I keep thinking about the friend that I left behind and how much he loved me. Thinking back on these things, I believe that he may have been in love with me. I don’t like to think about that, but it’s possible. I keep thinking about how I lead him on, how things are bad because of me. I know deep down that’s not true, but it clouds my thoughts. I think about him often. Daily. Hourly. I watch videos of us from when I was out in Los Angeles, and I feel like crying. I see how happy we were, but at the time all I can think of is that I wasn’t happy because I was away from my family. I can’t start anew. I have to deal with the cards I’ve been dealt. I can’t just abandon my family because things got bad.
The kids are excited for Christmas. To be honest, I am too. Chloe thinks that she’s getting a pony for Christmas. Another one? She already has a horse. Yes, I spoiled my little girl. But up until last year she was the only little girl that I had. I had to spoil her! She also wants a Christmas dress. I told her her periwinkle snowflake dress would be just fine. She doesn’t think so. She wants something new, like I get every year, made special. I’ve told her that when she’s older and can appreciate a dress more, she can have a dress made special. Mostly I want to wait until she stops growing like a weed before we invest in a specially made Christmas dress.
So it’s back to wrapping presents for me. I have so much that I have to wrap. At five grand, spending minimum, I guess so! I have three bags of stuff that needs detagged, wrapped and labeled. Then I have to get ready for bed. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I have two Christmas parties to go to and three people I have to deliver presents to. Yup, I get to be Santa Claus tomorrow to my friends. It’s going to be magical.
I tried to go shopping tonight. Christmas candy and some fruit and nuts for Christmas Eve. But my damned knees! When did they start hurting so badly? It’s not while I’m walking around, but when I’m at rest that they both tingle with pain. I hate that. I wonder if I could get cortisone shots in my knees to make the pain less? I’d love to have that done, but I’m not sure if I’m a candidate for it or not. Back injections are one thing, but my knees? I cringe just thinking about it. And not much makes me cringe these days.
I also have started throwing up more. I haven’t had a treatment in over a month, yet I’m nauseated and vomiting? I’m going to blame the Code Red Mountain Dew for making me sick. Ever since I first tried it in January 2002, and threw up because I was on such a high dose of narcotics, I can’t stomach the stuff. It comes up cold, which makes me even more sick. If that’s possible. I think I spoiled myself from ever enjoying Code Red again. It’s just the Code Red, too. I can tolerate the orange and blue Mountain Dews, just not the red.
I was able to fit into a size six today. And by fit, I don’t mean that I had to lay down on the bed to get the jeans to close and zip. I was standing up, I was able to close the zipper, all just by standing. I was also able to comfortably breathe and inhale and exhale large amounts of air while I was wearing them! I don’t understand it. A year ago, I could barely struggle into them, now that I’ve gained 13 lbs, I can fit them like nothing! Not that I’m complaining. I’m glad my mass has changed. Even if my weight has not.
So today’s the first day of winter. I love the night sky in the winter, but so far it’s been overcast for days. I miss seeing the stars at night. I miss going out just to see the stars. I saw plenty and over twenty shooting stars in Los Angeles, but I can’t go back there for a long time. I promised. But the sky at night was amazing. There were so many stars for a city infested with light pollution. So many shooting stars. So bright was the moon and the stars that were visible. It was like I was a part of the galaxy, just gazing up at them. I was asked if I got any pictures that night, but I didn’t. Not of the night sky. I only had my camera phone, and that was not powerful enough to take pictures of the night sky and have them come out worth a flip.
Hope everyone has a good start to winter. I’m heading off to bed now, so I can get up bright and early tomorrow morning and get my sutures pulled. I’m excited for that.
I get my sutures pulled Monday. It’s about time. I’m ready for this surgery to be put behind me! I want to be able to go to the Winter Lights Festival, at least one more time, before they shut it down on December 31st.
Not much is happening here. I’m surviving as best as I can. I have an appointment with the oncologist Tuesday afternoon to discuss my upcoming treatment for the brain mets that I was diagnosed with a couple of months ago. I’ve been resting comfortably, but something has to be done to stop the growth and progression of the tumors. I wish I could go into greater detail, but I just don’t know anymore details. I know that I will probably undergo Cyberknife treatment, and there’s a good possibility that I will have a good prognosis afterwards, but that can all change, too. I don’t like to think about the change that could mean.
I’ve been having horrible headaches all day. The brain mets, I suppose. The headaches cause vision disturbances, but there’s no sensitivity to light, no nausea. It’s not migraines. It has to be the tumor pressing on a certain part of the brain. I seem to get them at certain times of the day, so I’m not sure what to think of them. I know that I want this cancer out of me. I want to get well and stay well. Doc F says that by missing so many treatments, I may have to have more tests, more scans, more surgeries. But we’ll get this cancer, even if we have to get it piece by piece. Which it seems that is what we’re doing.
I have yet to wrap any gifts. I wonder if we’re even doing that this year. I wanted to. I wanted to buy the wrapping paper and the tape and just wrap things all damned day. I love Christmas and the surprises it brings. I wish we would have another white Christmas. I really liked that year there was snow on the ground and big, floppy flakes fell from the sky. It made me think that I was in a better place. I guess I can’t get everything I want for Christmas. I have only been shopping once this season. I really enjoyed myself. I wish I could shop like that every day. Get something for everyone, get a little something for myself. ha ha. I can really see myself running up a huge credit card bill.
So now it’s time for my night time meds, time to bring the dog in, and time to get settled in bed. I feel kind of depressed this year because I see happier people, healthier people, and I just want to be happy and healthy too. I want to be well. I want to be able to enjoy life without having to be stoned on morphine or drunk on chemotherapy. It sucks. It really does. Especially at this time of the year when everyone else is so happy and joyful.
I want to write again. I want things to go back to the way they were, but we all know that isn’t going to happen. Too many things have gone down and too many things have happened. I wish I could forget the last month of my life, except that short period when I stayed with Sidney in Los Angeles. I liked it there. His friends were so nice to me, and his producer was nice to me. I guess in general, I just want people to be nice to me. Isn’t that what we all want, really?
I had surgery on Monday. I just got home today. Three days I was in the hospital. I haven’t had a treatment in over a month. I went into strike mode a month ago, and refused everything. My medication, my treatments, my doctor visits. I felt like the only cancer patient in the history of man being denied pain management. I went through withdrawals. I overdosed on SRNI drugs. I spent more than a night at the hospital. I can’t say that I’m better, but I can say that I am back at square one with my medical problems. Suicide and attempted suicide don’t pay. They just complicate things more than one can imagine. I never revealed to anyone that I was suicidal. I certainly was. In a way, I was too far gone to start with. I didn’t want to go through the pains of withdrawal. It scared me. I knew what I was doing when I took that SRNI.
While I can be honest about some things, I can’t be honest about why I wanted to die. I can’t be that fucking honest. I want to be, but there is a part of me that doesn’t want that known. Not yet anyway.
And let’s be fair. That’s all anyone really cares about anyway, isn’t it?
The summer is going great. So to say.
I had surgery on Thursday and my face is so swollen I can barely breathe properly. My lips are swollen and I can’t eat solid food. But the doctor says that I’m going to be eating solids today so I can go home tomorrow. Remember that Twilight Zone episode, Eye of the Beholder? Where the woman wanted to be “beautiful” but all the “beautiful” people had fucked up faces? My lips look like those monsters. Swollen on one side, painful to touch, hiked up on one side. I could post pictures of myself, but I don’t want to scare anyone. I look pretty bad. The worst of it is that the only medicine I can have is penicillin, in a pill form, and it’s so damned hard to get my mouth open to swallow the pills. Then when I get them in my mouth, I dribble water all over the place because my lips don’t properly close around the straw. Yet the nurse came in at 8am with my meds and made me take them. To make matters worse, I can’t have any pain medication. None. Nothing. Not even a topical. I had to get the new intern at work to smuggle me in some Tylenol for my migraine I’m suffering from, and some hard coffee to help reduce the pain. I don’t see how I am going home tomorrow when I can’t eat today and I’m suffering so from the pain in my head and my lip. Plus the infection and swelling is so distressing, I really don’t know what I’m going to do.
Lots of things are going through my mind right now. Will I ever be able to wear lipstick and lipglass again? When will the pain go away? Am I going to have to bribe or threaten Joey to bring me coffee and pain killers every hour? How am I going to take my medication tonight? So many questions. Plus school starts in less than three weeks. How will I be able to talk to do lectures? This scarring on my lips wasn’t planned, but I was so out of it from the anesthetic that I bit my cheek, and then to clip the excess skin that I had bitten off, the doctor slipped and cut my lip. I know it was an accident, but damn. Am I going to be deformed for life because of this?
I’ve been awake for 16 hours. I should get back to sleep. To sleep this off is laughable. I can’t sleep because of the pain. But maybe if I try I can get some rest and the rest will help heal my lip. One can hope anyway.
Any advice for me for when I get home? Any medicated chapstick-like products can you recommend for me to put on this? What about pain killers? Should I use my migraine medications to stop the pain or should I load up on fentanyl when I get back home?
I’ve been incredibly busy this week. Dennis had a birthday yesterday, and so did Zinnia. We celebrated at a restaurant on Brookside. I got a new favourite picture of the girls there. Then we came home and Zinnia opened her presents. I put up pictures on my other site that I am slowly merging onto. I tried to stay away from the camera, but I think there are quite a few there that I was in. Oh well. Speaking of the new site, I added a photo gallery on there, with pictures of me on it. I know that I rarely do anything like that, but I thought it was time.
I’m also working on the final exam for the University. We have to get that turned in before May First. I never thought I would be glad that I am finishing up my semester, especially since I may not be coming back in the fall. We’ll have to see where I am, physically, and then go from there. I feel great, though. I don’t feel like I am sick or dying, even though my doctor says that I am seriously sick.
I spent the last couple of nights watching the sun set with Dennis. We’re skipping tonight because he has some writing to do, and I wanted some “me” time. Part of that “me” time was supposed to be spent working on the final exam, but I am so relaxed and I wanted to just lay down and nap.
Chloe and I are going to decorate my journal with stickers that I bought a week ago. They came in on Monday. Tons of stickers. I really love ordering stickers from that place and putting them in my journals. They make the pages come alive. I also love Moo’s round stickers. I have stickers of all my friends stuck on my computer, in my journals on their birthdays, anniversaries, or just because, and it really makes me happy. Weird little hobby that I have.
Another addiction/hobby that I have is collecting MAC Lipsticks. I’ve spent about $1,200 on MAC Lipsticks alone. With 80+ shades, I have quite the collection. I have three makeup bags full of MAC Lipsticks. That’s not even counting the Lipglassees that I have. I tried to match them with the Lipsticks that I have, but I just couldn’t get all the colours that I wanted. Plus, mixing them up is a good thing, right?
It got well into the 80’s today. And it’s only April! I really hate the heat. I’ve got the air conditioner going full blast. Ahhhh…Recycled air! But it makes for great sun sets and the stars look amazing this time of year. Maybe they look amazing all year long. I’m going out to gaze upon them again tonight, if my neck isn’t too stiff and hurting. I wake up with my neck hurting all the time. I think I need a new pillow.
Smile! This world is a beautiful place!
Today I am thankful for soft, fluffy pillows!
I first want to start out by saying I’m sorry that my site was down yesterday. I don’t know what happened since my hosts never emailed me back. I really wanted to write last night. So much more goodies were bought. I got two new pairs of jeans that actually fit me. I’ve lost another twenty pounds and now I weigh 122 lbs. All of my clothes were too big, so I had to buy some smaller jeans. I also picked up Chloe’s Easter basket while I was out:
And I put all of my MAC run offs into a MAC Liberty of London bag:
Aside from the stickers and a couple of tubes of lipstick by MAC, I’m done shopping for a while. I’m out of money and I want to work long enough to get that $1000 monthly bonus. Yes, I’m back to sticking to the University for now. I just can’t make up my mind! I want to stay at the University, and there’s no reason why I can’t. I can say that I’ve had fun shopping these past few days. I really think that retail therapy is the best therapy for me. I’ve been happy and hardly had a bad thought at all this past week.
Aside from that, I haven’t been feeling well. I relapsed and I’m sleepy and tired all of a sudden. I’ve had too many pills, too much insulin. My vision is blurred, I’m dizzy and tired as fuck. I just want to sleep forever. I can barely see to write this entry. That’s how bad I am.
Things in general are looking up. The meeting at Chloe’s school was a success. Her teachers don’t really think anything bad about Dennis or his line of work; it’s not illegal and it pays their bills, so they can’t protest too much. Chloe was encouraged to talk to her teachers privately if she thinks there is a problem. It’s a part of growing up. I’m glad that she agreed to do this. I have faith that my little girl would do this. The University has offered me a $1000 bonus per month that I work without missing a day. I really want this, and it would really help us out a lot, so I am going to take it.
I saved the best part for last.
I have acquired Roxanna’s old domain and I’m in the process of putting her old content back up. I’m uploading plugins and themes in the WordPress installation I put on there yesterday when I acquired the domain. I am excited to be doing this. Roxanna and I had our extreme differences and she trashed a lot of my gay friends, but we were still friends, even if it was complicated at times. I can’t say she would have done the same thing for me, had I been the one who died first, but I am doing this because I loved her. No matter how many times she came on to Dennis or hit me up for pictures of myself to give to my stalker (in the beginning). I really think she loved me back. And that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
~Have a nice night. The stars are shining bright.~
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