Archive for the ‘Medical’ Category
Chilling Thoughts
My site is finally functional again. I wish I could say my hosts fixed the PHP, but it doesn’t appear that is going to happen anytime soon. *sigh* is it too much to ask for cheap, modern hosting? To make matters worse, my DVD burner (on the computer) refused to burn any discs. Turns out the lens was dirty, after I bought 150 different discs for it. I’m not kidding. I bought DVD-R, DVD+R, DVD-RW, Memorex, Sony, Apple, none of them would burn. Then it was suggested that I clean the lens with the little CD/CDROM lens cleaner I bought back in the ’90s with the little brush on the CD. After some weird noises from my CD drive, it’s burning beautifully. Both DVD-R and DVD+R. Anyone want any movies??? Seriously! I’m up to my ears in CDs here and I need to get rid of them!! How about the Simpsons, Family Guy and American Dad Halloween specials?? My computer’s drive copies DVDs made from my new burner beautifully! Free shipping if you say yes!
I had a treatment today. It caused some vision disturbances. I think. I was having the problem last night, so I don’t know if my treatment caused it or it’s something else. I fell asleep during the treatment. When I woke up, I was stiff and cramped. I came home and slept a few more hours, and here I am. Burning movies and waiting for my site to get back in shape. I wasn’t given any pain medication this time, which was strange. I won’t get to see Doc Mick until Monday. Monday is too late for me to go to a good friend’s wedding. That was what I was working towards doing. Learning to drive long distances. Learning to not need so much medicine that I could not think properly. Doc Mick told me I didn’t need to think properly anymore because I had Matt to help me get around, but he’s going home on Tuesday. Yep, I have to learn to make it on my own. After Thanksgiving, my husband is going on the road for a little while, and I’ll be at the mercy of the world again.
The vast majority of my depression and various drug over doses these past few weeks were based on the fact that I could not get to this friend’s wedding. I was one of the first people she told, and I feel that she is mad at me because of this. I feel that I have let her down in a way that is unforgivable, and having cancer or being in pain is no reason to miss something like this. I even went out last month and spiced up my old even gown. But in the end, I failed. That’s what I do best, isn’t it? Fail. Let people down. Let myself down. That triggers depression, which triggers self-destructive thoughts and actions. When I get back on my own I can’t be self-destructive again. Being the one that everyone else is going to lean on, I cannot be weak. But I feel I am. I feel I will not win this time. I feel many things. None of them are good.
The Packing Game
Last night Dennis and I took down PoRo’s room. We packed away her toys, her bedding, her bed, her clothes, her picture albums, her backpack, dance bag, purse, iPod, record player, laptop, tape player, records, art supplies, and other little things that littered her room. I remember getting her every single thing in her room, from the stuffed toys, to the bed that I put together for her in 2001, to the flute that she used to practice every day after school. I remember the starry night throw she would cover up with, her chenille bedspread, the old quilt she kept at the foot of the bed. I even packed away the little wicker dog bed she had for Ziggy at the foot of her bed. I stacked her school books in the old chair she had in her room to practice her flute at, and returned them today. The school bought back all of the books, even though I know there were several they no longer needed. I wasn’t sure what to do with all of her toys and clothes. I knew Chloe would love to have had them, but there is a part of me that would feel wrong in giving them to her. They were PoRo’s. She loved her things. I feel guilty enough that I am giving her old room to her little sister, leaving the three boys in the middle sized bedroom.
I’m sure that in another 5-10 years, we’ll come across that stuff in storage and throw it out. We just can’t do it yet. It’s almost as if we feel that should we keep that stuff, some day our little girl will come back and ask for it, and life will go back to normal. I know, realistically, that is never going to happen. I know the things would be better off donated to charity so another little girl could have what she needed. I know it’s selfish to want to keep these things until they are no longer usable, but I can’t bring myself to get rid of them. I just can’t.
I’m having a dizzy spell from the three Vicodins that I had to pop today because the pain was just that bad. Severe pain that radiated down my legs and throbbed at the ends of my toes. Pain that made me cry and scream. Pain that had an edge sharper than any sword. The three pills took the edge off the pain. It makes it tolerable, and I’m able to live with it, for some time. I have tried, for the last few days, to make an appointment with Doc Mick, but I cannot get through on his business line. I don’t know what is happening to me, or why it has chosen now to happen, I just know it’s wrong to feel this bad.
I’m starting to wonder if it is the stress? Is it the thought that in a few days I will be (essentially) alone, and have no one to lean on? Is it because I don’t know if I can do this alone? I really don’t want to live this life.
So Far
I didn’t eat today. It wasn’t intentional, it just happened. I got through the entire day, setting up things for my mom, buying her things because she intimidates me like that, and throwing away the ill-fitting, faded, worn out sheets that I have slept on nearly half my life, without eating anything solid. I drank several bottles of water, though. Making the bed shouldn’t have me reaching for my inhaler. It’s just too hard to keep those old sheets on the mattress, and it had nothing to do with the type of mattress we have, either. I’m sure they wouldn’t stay on if we had a regular box spring mattress. It’s always liberating to get rid of some of this clutter. Life shouldn’t be hard when it doesn’t have to, and making the bed shouldn’t be hard for anyone, even if that person sleeps on top of a few hundred gallons of thickened water.
I was able to go back to work yesterday. I will be going tomorrow. It seems as though my boss is the only one who is clued in on me being sick. I was denied insurance because of my cancer status. I wanted to quit after that, but I need my check to pay for my treatments. Dennis assured me that his going on the road in a few weeks has nothing to do with my health status or the financial aspects of it, and he really wants to just promote his new album. Sure. I believe that. I think it’s more that he doesn’t want to watch what is going to become of me. While I still have my hair and nails (yes, my fingernails tend to fall out during chemotherapy), it’s only the first treatment, and I will soon be hairless and full of holes, which I think he doesn’t want to see. The last time he was on the road, our nephew had just gotten the “3-6 months to live” prognosis. Our daughter had gotten the “we can’t do anything for you” prognosis. I truly believe he didn’t want to watch his family members get sick, degenerate and die. It’s not a pleasant thing, but after everything is all said and done, I know I couldn’t live with myself if I had just turned away from them when they were at their sickest.
For some reason, my co-workers did not call me today. I don’t understand why. Any other day, they would be calling every few minutes. How does this work? What is this chemical? Can you tell me where [this or that] is? Today my phone was silent. I embraced the quietness. Even if it was just for a few seconds.
Tomorrow night is Harvest Moon or the first full moon of the fall season. It’s a time of gathering, and a time of sharing the harvest with others. I am going this year. I just learned of it tonight, but I want to go anyway. It has been an important part of my life for the past ten years, and I want to continue to keep it that way. The moon is always so brilliant at the gathering, even its reflection off the lake is brilliant. I won’t be able to take photos, because cameras are not permitted, but I will fully update on what goes on when I get home.
Tests
I went in for my blood work today. Doc Mick is pretty good with a needle. For a doctor. He’s concerned about my vision problems, as well as my vomiting and various bleeding issues. Four tubes of blood were drawn, and I was given another prescription. That brings me up to way too many to count. He told me that several of the medicines I’m on are not really necessary, but I still take them out of fear. My regular physician might not have a lot of common sense, but he has power.
My vision messed up again today. It was awful. A bright circle of flashes blurred out the entire right side of my vision. I couldn’t watch TV, it didn’t go away when I closed my eyes. I was worried it wasn’t going to ever end, and it lasted much longer this time than the other time.
I also made my first serious WordPress theme for the public. If you want to download it, just click the picture below. All I ask is that you keep my link at the bottom. If enough people like it, I can add more or even make some Blogspot themes.
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