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Dark Illusions
I’m torn. There are times like today when I want to help, but helping seems like the worst possible thing to do. I sit back and wonder why people come to me for help, I lead them so blindly forward and they refuse the help I give them because it points to them being wrong? There’s no shame in being wrong. We’re all human. We’re all wrong from time to time.
If you ask for my advice, I’ll answer as best as I can. I hold three degrees, one of which is a medical professional degree. I don’t claim to ‘know everything’ but I do know that I know more than a non-compliant person. Doctors and nurses don’t tell people to eat better and watch their weight because they’re “assholes” or because they want to control that person. They do it because it’s a proven path to better health. The same with don’t ask me for advice, and when I answer truthfully and seriously, you tell me that I’m full of shit or I don’t know what I’m talking about, simply because my answer doesn’t match up with your “continue eating a box of salt a day–your doctor is evil and full of shit!” attitude. I didn’t pass three years of nursing school because I gave good head. I passed because I studied text books of over a century of medical testing and science that proves to work in most cases. Granted, most of those cases the patient gives 110% for over a year, not ‘try it for three hours, don’t see any results and gets discouraged and quits’.
It’s hard to care for someone who clearly doesn’t care about themselves. It’s hard to give advice that should be taken seriously to someone who clearly just wants someone to agree with them. I want to give up. I want these illusions to be shattered and I can see things for what they really are. I wish I had the courage and the strength to find the end of the tunnel, but there is no light. The tunnel has no end. I’m tired of walking through this dark, empty, cold tunnel. I want to live in the sunshine again. I want to be happy again. I remember a time when I was happy, but it was so long ago, it’s just a distant memory. At this point, I’m unsure of what will even make me happy anymore. The tunnel has jaded me. The darkness. The illusions. The coldness. It sucks the soul away and destroys smiles.
I’m alienating myself from people. I haven’t talk to Matt in weeks. When he calls, my phone mysteriously shuts off. Yes, that’s my doing, but I just don’t want to hear it right now.
I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. Is that so wrong?
For those of you Googling Costas Mandylor check out that link. Jealous much?
Lost In Emotion
I cannot punish Chloe. I tried tonight, for tearing up some of Dennis’ papers. The papers were trash, but I don’t want her feeling that it’s ok to tear up paper lying on the floor. I didn’t hit her, but I said angrily to her that she was bad. She paced from one end of the bedroom to the other, starring down at the floor. I angrily told her to go to bed, then got out my night shirt and some clean undies to take a bath, and she laid down on the floor. While I was setting up the bathroom for my bath, Chloe came running into the bathroom, arms outstretched, begging me not to stop loving her. What…?
After that, I had to tell her that I loved her. I asked her if she was sorry and she wrapped her arms around my legs and hugged me tight. “Please don’t stop loving me! I-do anything for you to love me again!”
Talk about a guilt trip! Where did that baby learn this? Was she really worried that I didn’t love her any more? Are three-year olds really that developmentally advanced? I haven’t told Dennis what happened. I really don’t want to because he’ll accuse me of being to harsh in punishing her. On the other hand, if we talked about this, there’s the chance she’s done it with him and I’d probably feel a little better. Are three-year olds really that emotionally manipulated? She seems emotionally better now, so am I the one who is over-reacting?
Hit and Run
Ow.
Monday evening, I was sitting at a red light, minding my own business, when a pickup truck, turning, over-corrected the turn and smashed into the passenger side of my husband’s car. I was driving the car back from getting gas. My head smacked into the driver’s side window, and I spent yesterday in a great deal of pain. I couldn’t move my head to the left at all. I could barely get the dishes done and take a bath and get to bed. I took one of my pain pills and passed out around 10pm. I’m still drowsy, and my head still somewhat hurts, but it’s not as bad as it was yesterday.
I called the police on this because the driver of the truck just backed up and took off! He didn’t even stop to see if I was hurt or dead or alive. Nice man! Just when I think there’s hope for humanity, something like this happens.
Right now, I’m starving. So I’m going to get some breakfast and relax for the rest of the morning. Maybe check the mail this afternoon.
Birthday Recap
I swear, if it wasn’t for this blog, I wouldn’t even get out of bed anymore. I just don’t feel well anymore. I hurt if I lay in bed too long, and I emotionally hurt if I don’t. It’s a paradox.
My birthday went fairly well. I see it was a bad idea to give Matt posting rights to my blog. Lord knows what he’ll do now. *all smiles* ;D
I went out to dinner, as posted, and I got the majority of my presents. I want to say it was a “total flop” but that’s just not true. My dad gave me an internal SuperDrive for my desk top, so I can now download, convert, save and burn DVD movies on my desktop and not have to worry about leaving one of my notebooks open all night long. Burn up that hard drive some more. hehe.
Matt gave me one of those eight-hour Mac Book Pro batteries. The problem? It doesn’t fit my current model. This was the only flop that I got for a present. The thought was nice, but in reality, I can’t use the battery. It’s really too bad, too. There’s nothing more I’d rather have than a battery that lasts longer than twenty minutes, on either of my notebooks. I’m thinking of asking the Apple store if I can just trade it for more memory or something of equal use. Maybe even ink cartridges or the new iPhone when it comes out.
Dennis and Chloe made me this really awesome cake. It had mint green and purple icing, with vanilla cake dyed orange. It reminded me of a pumpkin. 
I got my other present from Dennis last night. 
Ten times. O-O I must have been in need, I’m not even sore.
James made the lovely graphic at the top of the blog. He also made me a new EntreCard ad and some link buttons, which I will be putting on the About page as soon as I can get my FTP to work.
Daisy sent me this card:
(click to view larger)
Much thanks and love. 
I had a dream about Chris last night. It’s weird that he would come to me in a dream last night. As if he knew I was thinking about him, though I wasn’t. It was the first time in a long time that I haven’t fallen asleep thinking about him, and he comes to me in a dream. He was so Chris in that dream, too.
The bad part? I missed out on meeting Seth MacFarlane. I guess you can’t have everything, huh? It’s really a shame because I wanted to meet him so bad, maybe get some pictures. But there’s always a next time, right? The other bad part is Dennis lost some of my presents between last week and today, and I’m playing the “pissed off wife” card. For example, I’ve “forgotten” to make the bed and change the sheets, knowing that he hates those little fuzz balls on them, and I’ve “forgotten” to make some more iced tea. Oh well. When I get my presents back I’ll remember how to do all of that.
I need pain killers and some sleep. My back hurts and I still have crying bouts. Not even my birthday could cure that.
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