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June 12th, 2009 by Echos

Something More

Depression, Family, Kids, Life, Married Life, Relationships 1 Comment

I don’t know what happened tonight. It was as if a different person appeared out of thin air. I know my husband has DID, but it’s never been this severe in any of the documented cases that I’ve read in medical journals or on the web. I’ve never read anything like what I’m experiencing. It started out innocently enough. After James’ show, we went to the mail box because I have friends who told me they were mailing me out things for my birthday. There was one package, and Dennis took it from me and shook it. “Is it a tape?” he asked. I shrugged. “I dunno. It’s packaged like one, so probably. We’ll have to dig the VCR out of storage and copy it onto a DVD,” I replied.
He then asked a series of goofy questions about it. “Is it porn?”
“I doubt it.”
“Is it Hot Cherry Pies 3?”
“I hope not.”
“Well what is it????”
“I don’t know!”
“Open it!”
“It’s for my birthday!”
“Oh.”
He was clearly disappointed. But that was fine with me. We could see what was in the package on Sunday. Going home, we discussed our kids a little. He said he wished he’d stayed with DW’s mother. I almost slammed on the breaks right there on the freeway. W….T….F?! How could he say something like that to me? All the way home I got to hear how wonderful she was. It wasn’t sex or because of the package. I only brought up the package because it seems like the transition happened right then. I can’t tell what triggers the transitions. Once we got home, he brought up the past. He wants me to destroy my Costas Mandylor ticket–I’d do it if I loved him. Or so he hammered into my head. I’d do lots of other things if I “really loved him”. It’s bullshit.
The fighting escalated tonight. It got so bad that I loaded the three kids up and drove south. I made it all the way to Purcell until I checked my phone and the battery was so weak I couldn’t get a signal out there. I couldn’t call the person I was headed for and they might not want company. I couldn’t call home. I didn’t have any money, since I’d accidentally grabbed the defunct card on my way out, and the gas tank was low. There was no where to go but home. Or hell. Whatever one chooses to call it.
I don’t understand why someone would stay with someone else, voluntarily, if they made them so miserable? It doesn’t add up at all. But it sure breaks my heart right in two.

May 19th, 2009 by Echos

Cancer

Depression, Family, Kids, Married Life, Pictures!, Relationships 9 Comments

I think one of my boys might be autistic. Why:

Give him anything with colours and he matches them up according to colour and then eats it (if it’s food). His brother just eats when he’s given fruity Cherrios. That’s a sign of autism, right?
Pogo woke me up, crying, today. She woke me up at 4am in tears from the pain. I gave her some more pain medicine, but I don’t think it’s really doing any better for her. She just sleeps all the time. When she’s not on high levels of pain medication, she cries from the pain. It’s gotten to the point where Dennis and I don’t even speak to each other about this. I wish there was something else that I could do to prolong her life. It isn’t right that I have to sit by and watch my baby die a slow, painful death from cancer.
This is the part where you can leave your condolences. That little girl went down hill so fast. We knew she was terminal before her birthday, but she was doing great up until this past month. Now we don’t know if she’ll be here in the morning or not.
She tells us about ghosts that are visiting her. Ghosts of the family whom she was close to. “I seen Jess. She couldn’t pass over because of the bruises…” we never told her about her cousin’s bruises. There are many things we didn’t tell her that all of a sudden she knows about. I’m not extremely mad. When I worked at the pediatric oncology center, I watched parents being mad at the doctor, being mad at the staff, and it doesn’t do any good. Being mad at the doctor or the staff doesn’t give your baby anymore time. Killing the messenger doesn’t prevent the inevitable.
I need to go dig a splinter out of Dennis’ foot. This is going to go over well.

April 29th, 2009 by Echos

Start Spreadin' The News….

Depression, Family, Married Life, Relationships Comments Off

My friend Josh made a casual comment to me while I was waiting for Dennis to get out of the bathroom. It was kind of ironic..I was a little excited and we were going to slip away to bed when I checked my IMs and Josh had sent me a message. I thanked him for (eventually!) getting back to me, when he messaged me back and said he was busy organising this year’s JournalCon. For those of you who have no idea what that is, it’s a gathering of bloggers who have blogged since 2000, read each others blogs, and commented, linked, or other wise communicated with one another. It’s mainly for old school bloggers, but sometimes we make exceptions for other people to be invited through sponsorship.
JournalCon is going to be held over the Fourth of July weekend in New York City, and Josh emphasized that he’d love to have me there, just like old times. When he said that to me, I tracked down an old Simpsons episode and watched it. I got this really wicked sense of wanderlust. Dennis waited for me for nearly an hour while I chatted with Josh about JournalCon and watched that episode. When it was over, I brought up the suggestion to Dennis that I get a small, personal vacation this summer. “Why? Where?” he asked. “I was wondering if I paid up my credit card bill and had them bump up my credit limit to two-thousand, if I could go to New York City this summer for the JournalCon weekend,” I suggested. He wasn’t thrilled. Firstly, the attitude he gave me was that I’m this extreme idiot. I can’t handle myself alone. Second, I don’t deserve a personal vacation. Third, there’s street crime in New York City…. How well do I know this Josh character…? Oh, not much. I met him before I met you…
So…
Validate me. Am I too stupid to handle a weekend in New York City? I’ve fired a pistol before. I’ve loaded one before. I just don’t have a permit to carry concealed.
Dennis’s gone to get his dad from work. I can imagine the bitch-fest they have in store for me. How dare I want a little fun of my own!!

April 29th, 2009 by Echos