There I sat, tears streaming down my cheeks in the barely lit room, reading and highlighting pill books and doing bio-chemistry conversions. The master plan, so to say.  He didn’t talk about what I was doing, or why I was in the state that I was in. The sheer urgency of needing a light at the end of the tunnel told him the bad parts of the story, so he didn’t have to ask. He convinced me to call a family member in Las Vegas, or that was their last known whereabouts eleven days ago or so. So I called. A familiar but unidentified voice was on the other end of the line. I asked for my family member and there was a pause then, “Oh, he’s already left. I’m sorry.” Before the “sorry” was ever there, I had fresh tears pooling in my eyes. The sure thing, the one who would care for me no matter what, was already gone on to who knows where. I had thrown out his number before hand, so I couldn’t call him.

Feeling trapped I said my thanks and was about to hang up with the man on the other end of the line offered to take a message. “Do you have [his] number?” I asked. “Of course. But I don’t know who you are, so I can’t give it to you. It’s not my place,” he replied. I felt somewhat relieved. While I was giving the info to him via a speaker phone, my friend James was telling me things through FB to ask. Under any other circumstances, it would have been pretty funny. The guy on the phone asked me who was there, and I said I was chatting with someone through a video, and he replied, “You’re not crazy love, I can hear him too.” I had a feeling of who I had on the line, but I had to ask, and I was right. I felt a little embarrassed about calling his room, upset and thinking horrible thoughts, but I wanted out so badly. We finished up the call, he wished me well, I thanked him, and returned to my video chat. James hit the nail on the head when he asked me who it was by name. I saw his eyes light up. “Why don’t you go live with him! And bring me with you?!” Another thing that would have been funny under different circumstances.

I came to many conclusions last night and tonight. One of them is that I know who I can count on. I know who really loved me. The sad part is that I am not as smart as I thought I was. I thought I would never be taken in my another Roxanna again, and it’s very clear that I have been. She used to promise me hope of deliverance from my domestic violence situations, and then never fully able to go through with it. I didn’t need food. I didn’t need money. I needed companionship, someone to tell me that I was not alone. Someone to tell me that everything was going to be alright and that they were going to be there for me through it all. Looking back at those messages, I have to wonder if I was conversing with Roxanna again. Did she change her voice again? Where is she getting those devices? They all sound like different women, but they use the same sentence structures, same words, same phrases and life stories that she presented to me eleven and a half years ago. How does she keep fooling me off of the computer? Will she ever give up? What is so important that I have that she wants? If she just tells me, I will gladly give it to her for her to leave me alone forever. I am no longer even interested in keeping a record of her lies online anymore because I want her to leave me alone. I won’t even white knight for her future victims anymore. Discover the bitch like I did. Carry on the torch as I tried to. Just. Leave. Me. Alone!

In the mail this afternoon, I received a plane ticket to New Jersey. Do I want to go? Not especially. I can bring along the little ones, but only one carry on luggage each. The tickets are one way. There’s no turning back once I do go. I have faith in James, though. I know if I go to him, he will really be waiting for me at the Newark airport. He will really take me to his place. I won’t end up lost and wandering around alone somewhere down Texas way, with no way to get to even an enemy that I know down there. Not that they would help me, but it would be a familiar face. Maybe there’s a lesson to be learned from all of this, but I have to say that I should have learned it a long time ago when  I first caught Janna in her lies and then caught Roxanna in similar lies. But I fell for it. Maybe it’s my weakness that every human has a heart and compassion for another human being in help, though I know many who have turned a blind eye to me since childhood.

James put a light at the end of the tunnel that I was in. I didn’t know if it was a train or the sunshine, but I could see a light and that was all I wanted to see. It was all I needed. I’m happy that he gave me that hope and didn’t just push me away when I reached out for help. Even if he had not sent me any tickets anywhere, and just conversed with me last night, not shooed me away because his mind and heart were on other things, I would have been just as grateful. I’m saddened a little that I did not marry James when I had the chance, but that’s just one of a thousand regrets that I am going to have to live with.

My (asshole!) doctor wanted to blame the chemicals that I work with. They can cause severe kidney damage. Sure. If I had worked there for fifty years. He then blames the metformin that I have been on for the past four years. Well, he wanted me to take it because it causes weight loss. He also told me there were no horribly wrong side effects. Um, sure. See, I knew better. If I were an everyday person I could have a lawsuit against him at the moment, but as a bio-chemist, I knew the risks of taking the medicine and I still took it. Having my mother tell me that at 173 lbs, losing 30 lbs since Halloween night, made me less of an embarrassment to her. Of course she’s in her 60s and living off me, but I’m the embarrassment because I was a few pounds overweight. Technically for my height I wasn’t even obese, but I stopped eating, got depressed, and here I am. Though my loving doctor and mother want me down to 100 lbs even by summer. I was encouraged that I could do this. Ever see a 100 lb 6′ 1″ person? We don’t look good. We look like we survived the holocaust. We have no energy. Ten years ago I was down to 100 – 90 lbs and I looked like total shit. No tits. No energy. Constant pains. But damn, I wasn’t an embarrassment to my mother, her family, or my doctor. The people whom I should have truly been trying to please weren’t interested in my weight; I’ve always been perfect to them.

I was put on a double transplant list yesterday. Monday I pick up my pager to wait for the news that there is a kidney or lung (yes, those are fucked up too). I’m not sure if this will affect my trip to Sydney, or the trip to Las Vegas in March. I’ve already paid for my tickets and I want to go. My plane to Sydney is supposed to leave on Thursday morning and I return on Sunday the fifth. I had everything planned, from a new camera to a ton of GBs of space to take pictures and video. I even stocked up on spare batteries and a fast charger so I wouldn’t run out of juice on the trip. Then there’s my “artisan” make up because I was supposed to be a part of the filming we’re going to. I can’t get on camera with a dialysis cath in my arm with the bruises to go with it. This all has screwed up my entire pleasure in looking forward to the trip; I haven’t been to Australia for pleasure since 2003. Dennis was also looking forward to seeing DW again. I guess he can do that without me there, though. Nothing would be stopping him. I haven’t told anyone about this, other than posting it here, for people to sympathise with me over it. Let’s have that Pity Party for me!

On a lighter note, I have a couple of family members who are going to take blood tests and such to see if they match and I can get a kidney from them, possibly. I know my cousin BJ got tested. I’m not sure if I truly need my lung(s) replaced. That’s one of the things we’re going to discuss at the doctor’s office Monday afternoon.

Oh, and my TimeCapsule died and went to hell a week ago. I’ve gone through the motions of removing the hard drive in it (and have the pictures to prove it), and now I am waiting on my check to go into my card so I can get a cord for it. I have another TimeCapsule, but I can’t get the computer to recognise it. I hope that wasn’t the error with my older drive. After harvesting that drive, I feel as though I can harvest the drive from my old strawberry iMac, just to get the data off  it. That would be pretty awesome if I could get that drive too. I may update next with pictures of me harvesting my TimeCapsule drive and the iMac drive, if I can get it out. Right now I have to sit at my desk and update, and that’s a bitch. I usually update from my bed while I’m watching TV. Not anymore! Not until I can figure out how to get that TimeCapsule working. Any suggestions? Advice on anything I’ve posted? Email me if you do. Or leave a comment. Whichever is good for you.

Don’t forget to add my feeds:

here, there, and facebook or just plain add me on facebook. I’ll love you forever!

The kids ganged around their Hero of Time father, hoping to watch him succeed in beating a video game. All he really managed to succeed in doing was keeping the bed from being made for the past few days, twisting his ankle, and breaking a window, on top of hitting the potted plants in the bedroom, causing them to crash down to the floor. I was glad we don’t have carpeting in the bedroom. It was easy to sweep up the potting soil, but then I had to stop what I was doing and re-pot the plants. Three of which were thorny cacti and my thumb is still burning.

This morning, Chloe announced that she did, indeed, have homework this Thanksgiving weekend. Ok, so maybe she wouldn’t have had any if she had sat down three weeks ago and did it or even started on it. She has a diorama due on Monday, but there is nothing done! I gathered up the supplies for her, and an hour later, she wasn’t doing anything with it. Still watching daddy play his game. I read the directions for the diorama and fine-tuned her supplies, and still she did not touch it. I offered to help her with the cutting and placement. Nope, didn’t interest her.

After dinner tonight, she had the audacity to ask me if I could do the diorama for her! Um, no! She asked Dennis, and he lovingly introduced her to super glue. Yes, super glue! All that accomplished was Chloe gluing my desk drawer shut.

*snarl*

I gathered up her supplies, then gathered her up, and put her in her room and told her she was going to do the project tonight and tomorrow, or she was going to suffer the zero on the assignment. No help from momma or daddy, now. Her reaction was to cry, and scream that I was a bad, abusive mother, then scream for help from her daddy. When I saw the boys giggling about the ordeal where she could see them, I told them to either go back and watch the Link game or go to their room and shut the door. I then closed Chloe’s door and went back to working on sorting laundry. The boys scattered. I haven’t saw them since and I have a feeling I won’t see them until breakfast.

I am glad I took the super glue away from Chloe. She was going to glue my laptop shut and glue my phone’s charging cord to the wall. Little brat! All because I was ‘bothering” her to do her homework. Dennis asked me in mid-battle with some kind of strange monster on the game, if I was sure I had made the right choice in making Chloe do the assignment right that second. “Well, she’s had all month to do it, just now told me that she had an assignment, and so, yeah. I think I made the right choice in making her at least start the project,” I replied.

Upon checking up on her, Chloe had about 70% of the diorama done, and she was sleeping on the covers of her bed. See? It wasn’t that hard!

I have my NanoWriMo to finish and then I have my court on Wednesday. I have to call the judge Monday and tell him that I will be there. I thought the lawyer was going to do that. Oh well. I plan on being there, no matter what.

Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving, and that your Christmas shopping is going smoothly! Have a good night and a good weekend!

My beautiful new compact!

Matt has a weird sense of humor.

Angel fragrance.

Wishful Nite fragrance.

IV first try (there’s much more bruising there now).

Where the IV was.

Bracelet.

IV.

Just so that no one worries: I’m not going to do anything dumb again for a looooong time.

I want to thank everyone who leaves personal support and love for me here. I appreciate it. As for those of you concerned about the personality stealer (which is all that I will refer to her as), I don’t care what she does. If she wants to claim that she and I have the same interests and likes, that’s fine with me. I know that she does not, and in doing so, she isn’t impressing me or anyone out there because I don’t like myself in the state that I am. I feel there is room for improvement and nothing that she says or does will make that any different. It scares me a little to think that she feels that she is a perfect person in mimicking me, and I feel bad for the next person that she pretends to be, but what can one say? I’m annoyed about it a little, and a bit amused, but that is all. Again, thanks for telling me. I appreciate it.

I haven’t been feeling well these past couple of days. I don’t know what it is. I am going to try to clean things up around here and see if I feel any better. I feel pretty bad tonight. Bad enough that I flushed my supper down the toilet rather than eat it. I wasn’t that hungry anyway, and spent a good part of the day trying to sleep. I still feel pretty bad. Back pain. Leg pain. Calf pain. Head aches. I was put on Coumadin a few days ago, and since then I have been a little dizzy. I am thinking of going off of it. I also want to get my act together and see a doctor, even if it is the asshole that I despise, because I need some of my old meds back. I need them to get my life back on track. Or maybe it’s the idea that my mother has been living with us for a year now with no signs of moving out or reconciling with dad? That has always made me feel exhausted because she harps on everything I do, and she can always do so much better than me. On top of that all, she hates Chloe. Yes, she hates her granddaughter for two reasons: One, the girl was born out of wedlock (as if my mother was even married before I was born, and even then, I belonged to another man) and two, I “baby” her too much by getting her a pristine education, won’t let her walk and run the streets at night, and on Halloween I (GASP!) won’t let her trick-or-treat at the registered sex offended (pedophile)’s house! What the hell kind of mom am I, not letting a child who hasn’t hit puberty get molested?!

Okay, I’m being sarcastic and witty. Time to publish my post, close my browser and get to bed!

I never thought I would be back here so … soon. That’s a little misunderstanding since I was here back in December, but James and I have not spoken much since January. I looked forward to seeing him again. The entire trip here, I got stuck next to my brother-in-law, who bragged about being back with his psycho ex. AKA: The woman who wanted to put his dying son in a nursing home because she was oh-so-scared that the kid was getting attention that she deserved. When Billy didn’t fall for that, the bitch wanted the kid killed. Or for the cancer to hurry up. Whatever was good for him. When Billy told me this as we were in the air, I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. For five years I had to put up with this woman and her lies about Don Henley, her lies about friends being murdered every day at concerts and how this was Billy’s fault and he should pay the damages, how she had abortions at age seven, how this and that had happened to her, and that we should take pity on her and send her money and expensive gifts. Yeah, that cow ran dry a long time ago, and I’m not in the mood to go back to being bothered by her anytime soon. I made small talk with Billy and answered his questions with as little effort as possible. When the plane landed, I hurried up to my friend James and asked if we could go somewhere, leaving Billy still on the plane for the time being. I grabbed the first suitcase and back pack that even resembled mine (luckily, I was the only one traveling with a black, silver-star-studded back pack and suitcase), and hurried James to his car. I’m sure the airport people wondered if I was hiding something. Nope. Just wanted to get away from someone, before things got worse.

I’m not sure how Billy can just take back his ex after all the trouble she caused this family. She is the reason Billy and his brother don’t talk anymore, after twenty-eight years of having a wonderful relationship. I told Billy a long time ago, if he got mixed up with her again, to forget me. I am not going to put up with her interference in my life again, and he had to make a decision: Me or her. It’s apparent that he has chosen her, so I am going to avoid him this entire trip.

I begged James to let me stay with him. I cannot be in the same hotel as Billy, knowing what he has been up to. I did ask how long this has been going on, and he said over a month. Ok. You know what? I give up. He can have her and her lies and her drama. I’m through with living like that anymore. I don’t want to expose my family to that. It’s bad enough what went on all that time ago. I won’t make that mistake again. He’s tried to reassure me that she has changed. Um, how many other times did she “change” only for the same thing to happen again and again? I’m still at that point where I don’t believe she has cancer, nor do I believe that because I wouldn’t spend copious amounts of money on her, that I cost her her job. I have gone through stacks and stacks of emails, many dating back to 2002, and I cannot see where I have ever promised her anything, other than friendship.

Not to mention that I am suspicious of her. Every time we talked, she wanted photos of me. Why? I’m not sure. It was suspicious because my stalker at the time swore he was going to get photos of me, even if he had to pay someone to do so. Which freaked me out, to say the least.

Enough of that.

Yesterday was a good day, incase you missed it on Twitter. Here’s a good list of five things that happened yesterday:
#5: ALL of my paperwork is caught up for work! WOOHOO!
#4: In 12 hours I will be in Manhattan! *winkwinknudgenudge* *heknowswhoiamtalkingabout*! (Actually, he’s drunk and passed out … for now!
#3: I fixed my SuperDrive, so I was able to burn my digital copy of 1986′s Trick or Treat to DVD to watch tonight! Been waiting to see that! (it was quite disappointing, although I needed the distraction on the plane to get my mind off of Billy and his bullshittery)
#2: I got a HDMI cable for the DVD burner AND hooked up the cable properly, so the DVR and the Wii can be connected at the same time! Yay!
#1: PIXIE.NU is BAAAAAAACK on the web! I own the domain name AND the hosting is on MY VERY OWN DREAMHOST ACCOUNT!!

Yes, I finally did it! I got a Dreamhost account! No more worries about hosting, because I’m hosting five domains on one account for just $8.95 per month or something like that. Also, there’s Green hosting, there’s virtually no limit to the space I use or the bandwidth I need, which is good because I get linked from high-traffic sites quite frequently, and I don’t have to limit my sites to simple blogs anymore! I out-grew the “domain as a blog only” scene years ago. I just never upgraded my hosting to reflect that. I haven’t transferred this site over there yet, but I will. I have a blog, a photo blog, a fan community, a family website and headquarters and I’m hosting a friend’s domain, all for less than $9 a month. If that isn’t a good deal, I don’t know what is! After Christmas, I’ll probably purchase the hosting for a few years, and go with that. *does a happy dance*

Here’s hoping tomorrow goes well for me. I am supposed to be one of about 150 people to get to go through this for survivors of 9/11, in the place of Dennis. I have no idea where he is, just on the road. I still have some work to go over, and them I’m going to get to bed. Long day tomorrow. Even longer day on Monday. I may not be able to go to work this week, that’s how long and hard things are going to be for me. (*giggles* I said “long” and “hard” and “for me”)

My mother left me a message that she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. This is partially because I asked her Monday night to stop calling me every hour or so and waking me up. I told her to stop around 2am because I had to get to sleep for work the next day. She said she was never going to call me again. She wasn’t even calling about anything important, just giddy over the fact that Scott (my brother) is going to send her a large lump sum of money, and she wanted to tell me what a model child to her he was. Great. That’s fine. I’m scum. I get it. Now can I sleep? But no. She’d call back in an hour or two to tell me something else, all happy and excited, or to ask me something, still happy and excited. Apparently, today, he sent her more money, and suddenly he’s her favourite child in the world. No one else can top him, because he gave her money. The four years of free nursing service that I gave her means nothing. She can’t spend that on pieces to make her friends jealous. Of course I don’t understand her need to show off to her friends. My husband naturally buys me expensive things that I just happen to have and I can show off so naturally. Really? That’s what I’ve been doing all along? Showing off? Of course! My computer, my jewelry, my clothes, my stationary, my car, my TV, DVR, anything and everything in the house. I tried to reason with her Monday night and tell her that we didn’t really spend a lot of money; we bought what we wanted the first time, none of that “let’s buy the cheapest, sleeziest thing in the store to hold us over till we can afford the one we really want” attitude. We simply went without until we got what we wanted. That’s how it’s supposed to be. But I can’t tell her that. She started hitting me up for money days ago, but I refused, so she went to her sons for money. Scott took the bait, apparently, and now he is her favourite. As I have said before, I can’t afford my mother’s love and respect. I have to pay my own way in life, as well as take care of my children. There’s no way that I am going to buy my mother at the same time. She had to buy her mother, at the expense of her children, and I’ll be damned if I am going to make the same mistake.

I worried about the impending doctor’s visit. They are going to draw blood and do an ultra sound. If I’m feeling something moving about inside me, they want to see if it’s a baby or gas, or something gone horribly wrong. I am at a loss for words, because I never expected that I would have to go through this again. I am eating very little because eating makes me sick. That is one of the things that I experienced with all three of my past pregnancies. Especially the last one. I suffered from morning/mid-day/evening/night sickness from the instant I was pregnant, until the day I went in to have the babies. The tiredness is something I don’t actually remember, but I am sure that I experienced it while I was pregnant. I just want to sleep. I got out of bed at 8am to get the family up and ready, and then I went right back to bed, and slept for over twelve hours. I have been up a little over an hour, and I want to go back to sleep already. I feel as if I didn’t get any sleep at all. What in the world is wearing me out so much? Being pregnant isn’t this exhausting. Can you see why this whole thing has scared me?

I still haven’t told Dennis what is going on. I am always sleeping when he calls, and I have the phone either turned off or on vibrate so I can sleep peacefully. But I still don’t feel very rested. Right now, my eyelids are heavily drooping. I don’t know how Dennis is going to react to all of this. I know he will want to come home, and I just can’t do that to him. Not with him coming home in a little over a month anyway, and then the anniversary surprise. I know he would want to cancel the surprise if he thought I was getting sick again, and I really want to see what he has planned. Where ever it is, he bought us plane tickets there. I found the $900 charge on our cards today. There was no mention to where the tickets were to, so I am excited to be going. There were hotel reservations, too, but like the plain tickets, they didn’t reveal where we were going to be staying at all. I guess he knew that I could easily check the credit cards, so he had the charges hidden. I’m still like that. I even search the house for my Christmas presents at Christmas time. I guess that’s a good sign that my spirit has not yet been broken. *happy*

Is it possible to be both happy and scared at the same time? Because that is how I feel right now. I know there is something big going to happen in the next few days. I can feel it. I just don’t know what it’s going to be, other than life-changing big, and it scares me a little. At the same time, I am happy and excited for the change. If that makes sense.

I am going to pray again tonight. It eases my mind a little when I pray, as if things are really going to calm down and everything is going to be alright.

And now I must get to bed, because I typed that last paragraph with my eyes closed. I am literally falling asleep at this computer!

All that tinkering led me to putting up a new page, and get my archives working again. So be sure and read my new page and my archives, if you’ve got a few hours on your hands!

The summer is finally winding down. We had some severe weather last night that went on for almost an hour or so. My air conditioner system was frozen up (typical of triple degree temperatures!), so I sweltered in the hot, dark night, watching Saw 3D and writing a list of things to take to my doctor tomorrow. I also rummaged through some of my stuff looking for the loose ends that I needed to clean up before school starts this fall.

Tonight, Chloe wanted her hair washed and conditioned with the coconut shampoo and conditioner. She also wanted to use the Caress bath wash because she liked how it made momma smell after a bath. I told her she smelled like coconut flowers. That made her night and she skipped away in her pony-print pajamas, holding her pink bear. I am so good at this mommy stuff sometimes!

Little James is sick again. He’s not getting out of bed much and complaining about being “warm all over”. So it’s off to the doctor’s with him on Thursday afternoon. I’m afraid he has a bacterial infection somewhere. I’ve given him some Tylenol for the fever and the pain, but that was a few hours ago. He’s back complaining of the pain and warmth again. I’m making him some sweet lemon tea to settle his stomach for now.

Dennis is somewhat ignoring me. He won’t answer his phone, and he refuses to call me except at times when he knows that I can’t talk on the phone. It really bothers me that he is doing this. I almost have to ask if Trevor is back. It’s times like this when I ask God for help, but it has been so long since God has answered me that I sometimes wonder if God has turned His back on me. So many times I have asked for His help with my marriage, He has not answered me, nor has the situation improved any. I know that I am just impatient, but I don’t want to think that way anymore. I don’t want to think that God has turned his back on me. God doesn’t do these things. I am looking for Scripture that has something to do with marriage worries, but I cannot find any. If anyone wants to help point me to some Scriptures that have helped them with relationship worries, I’d appreciate it.

Yes, I know that Google.com exists, but I would feel better to get some live feedback from people that, I assume, have been reading about my situation for the last few years. Ever since our little PoRo died, our marriage hasn’t been the same. I sometimes wonder if the relationship was falling apart because she died, or was it falling apart all along and we just didn’t know about it?

Dennis joked that with all that Duct tape on the air conditioner face, we could have a nuclear war, and be in the perfect bomb shelter, thanks to my handiwork. I took that as a compliment.

I haven’t been letting the kids out to play in the summer because of the heat. I guess that’s wrong of me, but what can I say?

I got some emails about Pixie.nu being down. Yeah, I know that. I need to find a host that is under $200 for two years, can host multiple domains, and be WordPress friendly. I’m looking at ThinkHost, FatCow and as always, DreamHost. I haven’t made a decision yet. I think this site will stay right where it is. Ack. Having a website shouldn’t be this damned complicated!

Anyone want to identify this weird toy? I found it under my desk the other day.

I also shot a video of what it can do. I figured out why I couldn’t upload videos, much thanks to Sandy. He told me that I needed to upgrade to the “advanced” uploader. That worked! I was able to upload my iMovie made video! You know what this means??? I can make some more game reviews now! Wootness!

We’ve had some weird bugs this summer:

I made some cookies from scratch, and got a new purse, since my purse was stolen in San Antonio back in April.

That’s about it. I upgraded my Flickr account, so I’m pro again for two more years. Add me and all that good stuff. I’m going to Manhattan for the Fourth and taking Chloe with me. There is going to be a bloggers’ meetup there, as we do every year at this time. I’m going to be taking my digital camera, so expect lots of photos to be uploaded to my Flickr page! Of course with all this shopping I have been doing (got me a new pair of shirts, some photo stickers, another yearbook, and other things), I am broke again until the end of next month. Good thing James is going to be paying for all that I need and want in Manhattan! I have some other things that I want to post about, but right now I am sleepy from the narcotics, and in dire need of sleep.

I am expected to be in Manhattan from July 1st through the fifth. Don’t know if I will be able to post. Sad, isn’t it? My life suddenly got waaaaay too busy for my poor blog! Hopefully, that will change once the weather cools down some. These triple digit temperatures are keeping me inside and under the air conditioner all the time. Dennis isn’t expected to be home until the eleventh. I sincerely hope that he doesn’t bring Trevor with him this time. That was pretty bad.