Archive for the ‘Self Improvement’ Category
Just Another Sunday
I got fed up with my mom today. I love my mom, don’t get me wrong, but her outlook on the world is pretty sad. She thinks that she should be able to stay at home, not follow doctor’s orders and the world will come to her. That’s nice for a fantasy, but back here in reality, it doesn’t work that way. You have to make your bed, wash your dishes, clean your house, take a bath, do laundry, and take out your trash. There’s no magic wand to make it all go away. Trust me, if there were such a thing, it would be a best seller.
She doesn’t eat right, and her health is failing. She wants to get paid for staying at home, so she ‘hates’ her job. Her attitude through out this all is very negative.
She yelled at me today before she left for work. She screamed at Chloe for “being in the way”. What kind of a grandmother screams at their four year old granddaughter for playing on the floor? She yelled at me that I ‘should have’ put Chloe outside to play. Yes, in the freezing, pouring rain? I ignored her ignorant mind and told her that I would re-wash her silverware and then probably go home for a little while. She asked if I was going to listen to Christmas music while I worked, and how “thankful” she was that I didn’t have my laptop anymore to sit on her table and have something constructive to do while I washed her dishes and did her laundry. I replied that I was probably going to watch my Saw movies on DVD while I cleaned. She made another remark at how bad those movies were that all the actors in them did were scream and ‘bawl’. I choked back a laugh. “You mean like you when you have to go to work?” I asked. She grabbed her stuff and hurried out the door.
Seriously, I’m doing this woman a favor by going over to her place to do her house work while she clocks in and then sits in the bathroom at her work and cries all day. She doesn’t even do her work there. She gets my step dad to do it.
Her attitude is appalling. I don’t know what she wants anymore. I’ve done more than my fair share of helping her out and trying to make the best of what she assumes is a bad situation, but there’s no helping her anymore. I almost want to tell her that I don’t care what happens to her house anymore and not go over there. She complains constantly that she has to work, that she’s too old to work, and when I tell her that she could have worked back in the 80s, she gets upset and screams how she couldn’t work an outside job because I was there. Hmm. Really? She was always asleep on drugs, drinking with my uncle, chasing her bar friends around town, complaining about me on the phone to her mother then wondering why her own mother disliked me, but she was never ‘there’.
I have tried to explain to her that maybe she needs help. There’s no shame in being on medication to sort out your mood or emotions, and I really feel she would benefit from something like that, but to suggest that makes her go off the deep end. It’s as though she thinks you’re insulting her or something.
At this point, I am almost done with helping her. I have helped her every single week for the past decade. I have tried and tried to help her with her health, her house work, her relationships, but I think I’ve gone as far as I can go without relying on mental health drugs to help her. I just wish she could see all the relationships she’s permanently destroying while she’s the way she is.
It’s Gonna Be A Bright, Sunshine-y Day
I added a couple of new pages to my site.
A profile page and some rules. Don’t forget the rules! 
I had some other pages that I wanted to make, but I’m on a tight schedule right now, between classes, juggling a new professor, and homework that I didn’t do this week, so my other professor is going to single me out like crazy in class this afternoon. Plus I tore my favourite shirt of ten years today, so I’m afraid I’m going to have to throw it in the trash. This is the second time I’ve ripped my clothes in those flimsy auditorium desks. Oh well. If anyone in my home town sees a woman running around with ragged shirt seams, say hi to her. Really loud. It’s me. You know you’ve just been waiting for an excuse to talk to me off of the web!
Speaking of rules, in one week Dennis and I are going to The Premiere. I post-poned my clothes shopping because I wanted to wait for him to get home, and now, we can go pick out a dress for me. I’m actually falling back into old habits of starving myself for a few days and then eating something small like half a sandwich. I noticed my other family members are gaining weight. Sympathy weight, I suppose. But when I get out of class this afternoon, I’m going to pick out the dress. I was thinking of a cocktail dress, but I don’t know if they’re in the stores yet. I know that I’m going to buy it a size or two smaller than I need just to have an excuse not to eat anymore. Bad habits die slowly.
Dennis is bugging me to get ready for class. I’m sitting here half naked and I have less than an hour to get in class and possibly look over my homework before Professor Hateful comes in. Though he’s usually late, he takes points off of our final grades if we’re late or we hand in our homework even one minute past 1pm. Nice guy, huh? Plus, the sun is finally shining after days of cloudy, cold weather. Smile! You’ll feel better!
It's Gonna Be A Bright, Sunshine-y Day
I added a couple of new pages to my site.
A profile page and some rules. Don’t forget the rules!
I had some other pages that I wanted to make, but I’m on a tight schedule right now, between classes, juggling a new professor, and homework that I didn’t do this week, so my other professor is going to single me out like crazy in class this afternoon. Plus I tore my favourite shirt of ten years today, so I’m afraid I’m going to have to throw it in the trash. This is the second time I’ve ripped my clothes in those flimsy auditorium desks. Oh well. If anyone in my home town sees a woman running around with ragged shirt seams, say hi to her. Really loud. It’s me. You know you’ve just been waiting for an excuse to talk to me off of the web!
Speaking of rules, in one week Dennis and I are going to The Premiere. I post-poned my clothes shopping because I wanted to wait for him to get home, and now, we can go pick out a dress for me. I’m actually falling back into old habits of starving myself for a few days and then eating something small like half a sandwich. I noticed my other family members are gaining weight. Sympathy weight, I suppose. But when I get out of class this afternoon, I’m going to pick out the dress. I was thinking of a cocktail dress, but I don’t know if they’re in the stores yet. I know that I’m going to buy it a size or two smaller than I need just to have an excuse not to eat anymore. Bad habits die slowly.
Dennis is bugging me to get ready for class. I’m sitting here half naked and I have less than an hour to get in class and possibly look over my homework before Professor Hateful comes in. Though he’s usually late, he takes points off of our final grades if we’re late or we hand in our homework even one minute past 1pm. Nice guy, huh? Plus, the sun is finally shining after days of cloudy, cold weather. Smile! You’ll feel better!
Healing
My life is slowly going back to normal.
I was able to check the mail today. I was able to pay the credit card bill today. I was able to clean the pet cage today. I was able to sit upright without much pain. I don’t know what relieved my pain, but I’m glad that it’s gone. I’m glad that I don’t have to over dose on pills just to be able to sleep through the night. It was good to just be able to go to sleep and wake up in the morning due to the dog shifting around in the bed and not a pain in my legs and back.
I think tomorrow I will ask if I can go to the coffee shop. I feel better. I want to get well. I need to be able to move about again and not be stuck in bed crying over pain that can’t be solved.
Thank you to everyone who wished me well when I was hurting. It means a lot to me, even though I can’t reply to all the comments and emails individually. Love you all. Tomorrow’s gonna be a better day! <3
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