Looks almost just like a bear that I bought and photographed 366 days ago! Oh wait. As per the words of the Godiva rep, there’s no date on the left foot of this year’s Halloween bear, and the bag is of mesh material instead of the silky orange with black embroidery that was on last year’s candy bag. That photo could have been taken today. Same computer. Same desk. Same small calendar. Same Halloween bear. Here’s hoping that Chloe doesn’t realise that until waaaaay after Halloween.

At least the Christmas bear does not disappoint:

There’s even a dark chocolate and peppermint candy attached to the sweater! Awesome-ness!

I did some work on the site. I deleted some of the plugins that I didn’t use or need, I optimised the database and tables, and guess what came back? My archive page! Like anyone cares. Most people come here for that little yellow bar, click it and leave until the next day they have to come back to earn them self another point from that site, to pile up to how ever many they need to advertise on other’s sites so that their PR will climb. I doubt that anyone really reads my content anymore. The only comments I get are spammers and “Link backers”. Nothing really worth keeping the site open as a blog anymore.

I’m wondering what to do with this place. Nothing exciting happens on here anymore, not even comments. I guess that’s a sign that my blogging days are over. I’m going to be thinking on this more. Till next time.

The trip to James’ apartment was a quiet one. He didn’t ask why I raced away from my brother-in-law, and I didn’t offer anything. I kept glancing out the window at the sun setting over Manhattan, wondering what the next day was going to bring. I didn’t want to go to the conference. I didn’t want to get out there and accept an award package for my husband. Why couldn’t he do it? The big city doesn’t scare me, even when I am alone. Even if James had not been there. I have walked down those streets at dusk and back, several blocks, and I never once was mugged, raped or murdered (obviously). But I didn’t like being there with my memories, haunting memories, alone, in the city where it all happened. I thought of Paul and the life he never gave me because he was killed in the twin towers. I thought of the game my fellow bloggers and I played just two months before the towers fell. I thought of many things as we crept along the crowded streets. Much of it wasn’t very positive. I remember these things for a reason, and that reason is because I was happy then, and I know I will never be able to do them again.

James’ grandmother was waiting for us at the apartment. His two little boys were parked on the living room floor, playing with an assortment of toys. “We don’t have an extra bedroom,” he said, quietly. I smiled. “I don’t mind sleeping with you.” Yes, it was just as suggestive as I intended it to be. I won’t hide it. I’m a little attracted to James. I always have been.

That night we slept with the windows open and the cool night air drifting over us. I love James’ bedroom. It has three large windows with the headboard of the bed underneath the middle window, the other two curved ever so slightly, as the room curves. I love it. We get a three-way breeze every night, and it seems that no matter which direction the wind blows, we get a good breeze. All of Manhattan twinkled below and above. I didn’t feel lost. I felt as if I were home. After sitting at James’ desk writing in my journal, I closed the book and laid down beside him. He was already asleep. The wooden antique bed was appropriately made with an antique quilt. I wasn’t used to sleeping in a standard bed. I kept waking up. I kept wondering if there was something more there.

The next morning found us at Ground Zero, as slide shows and speeches commenced. When The World Stopped Turning was played. Billy and I received our packets. I returned immediately to James’ side as to not give in to Billy’s begging of forgiveness. Many tears were shed there. James remembered his camera, and took many photos. I remembered Paul’s photos from the slide show. They were donated for the project. The View from the 100th Floor of the World Trade Center.

Photos © 2000 Paul B. Used without permission, for non-profit. Credit Paul if you use these photos anywhere else online.

I indulged a little on the trip. NYC pizza. Bagels. There are just some things that I will always love about the place, that will always keep me coming back. James is a big part of that, but he’s not the only reason. I made it a point to remove my Fentanyl patch before going, and James noticed the marks and scars left behind. How could he not? We explored and loved each other that night, with the windows wide open. It ended peacefully, and I was happy. The next morning, James asked the question he always asks me: “When are you going to marry me? I’ve been waiting eleven years.” I smiled and said when the time was right. I don’t know if the time will ever be right.

That’s what in vivo narcotics does to a person.

I promised James I would be back. He gave me a soft kiss before I borded the plane. I know he watched the plane take off. Whisk me away, far away, as my eyes kept gazing on the bracelet on my right wrist..

I got my temporary cap changed over to a permanent one, and I was surprised that this time, the dentist gave me one that actually has the real feel of a tooth! I could easily forget about this cap because it really is like having a new tooth! Even the ridges that you grind food with on the top are real! The other cap I had was kind of flat, and I didn’t really like it. With the top cap being flat as well, it was easy to bite the edge of my tongue with the caps, and it reminded me that they were fakes. Now, I don’t have that problem! Well, not entirely, anyway. I got a slight overdose of the gas at the dentist’s office. I almost threw up. I felt like I was fading away, and I pulled the mask off. My head was spinning, and I was salivating like crazy. Still, I wanted to be knocked out because I didn’t want to feel any pain like I had the last time that I was there. So I took deep breaths through my nose and exhaled through my mouth, and I got waaaaay too much gas, and started fading quickly. Man, that was a little scary and fun at the same time. I wonder if I would have actually thrown up if the nurse hadn’t come in and saw that I was sweating and had pushed the nose mask off of my face?

Dennis called me yesterday, and let me know that he has a surprise for me for our sixth anniversary this year. I hope it’s something good! He’s working through our anniversary, so I hope that I get to go with him, where ever he goes that day, and that is the surprise for me! I hope that he’s not planning something sexual, because I’m still a little sore from the last sex-a-thon we had. There comes a time in every person’s life when they get too old to have twelve hours of sex at a time. When they need to stop and rest and heal up before going at it again. Dennis and I tried to go at it for twelve hours, but we just didn’t make it. Or, I didn’t, I should say. He seemed somewhat disappointed, but understanding at the same time, and I did say that we could try again during our anniversary this year. But I am hopeful that I get something more than sex for my anniversary. Like a new(er) car with air conditioning. *wink, wink* Or a new computer. *WINK* Maybe a better colour printer? *hint* A week away from the kids? *HINT HINT!!!!* Whatever it is, I’m sure that I will love it, no matter what.

Now I must finish my paper work and take a nap. I have 100 mcg of Fentanyl on, and it’s kicking my ass severely. My eyes are still messed up, so the writing on this page is all blurry. The paper work I’m finishing up is for my case with my old job. We’re going to trial on November 30th of this year, and I have to be prepared. I’ve already signed that I will be present at the hearing. I hope Lance goes because he was the most wrongfully let go of the three of us. He’s our legal leg we’re standing on.

Wish me luck. These legal papers are kind of hard to fill out. After I finish with the papers, I think I’ll return to the bottle. It’s been a very good friend to me this past week.

In the mail I got a candle from my friend Matt. A Cider Web by Yankee Candle. I think someone’s been reading here again. It was kind of weak in the scent department, but that’s fine.

While I was looking for a lighter to light the wick, I found some other treasures in my desk. Things I never thought I would see again.

Oral Fixation. An oral sex enhancing mint. I wondered where this went to. There were both male and female enjoyment mints. I tingled a tiny bit just thinking about it.

Dead Batteries. That’s the name brand of the batteries. They came with my OhMiBod vibrator back in 2008. The package is unopened, so I have to wonder if the batteries are still good. Again, this made me tingle a tad.

Jones Soda candy. Cream soda flavour. I remember this stuff from when I went to Las Vegas one of the many times and this was all I had to eat at the dinner theater. I wasn’t too upset over it. I felt a little bad slipping this in my drink and flirting with Auz. Some of the people there who hadn’t seen me slip the candy in my own drink thought I was being drugged. It was kind of funny, and a little worrying, since none of the people who saw I had what appeared to be drugs in my drink yet they didn’t tell me about it.

Oh, and before I sign off for a little while, photos of the candle:

Macro without a flash. Better?

Time to go lay down. I’m getting a headache.

The mood seemed right. We got home, the kids were asleep, and we fell into each others arms. Playing around, getting out our anniversary present to test it out. Half way through the passion, it burned out. The Ohmibod just stopped point blank. I tried changing the batteries. I tried letting it cool off. Nope. It’s dead. We just had it a couple of weeks and this was the first time we used it and it failed! Being a fair player, I let Dennis get done, but I’m sitting here, sexually frustrated, writing angry emails to Suki Co, and getting ready for bed. It’s just. not. fair. Funny, though.

Touching on some other things, today is the four-year-anniversary of The Morning After, or the video that I made to lobby my family into letting me make the decision about my nephew’s treatment. I made the wrong one, but I’m happy in making that decision. It’s my mistake. If I had gone another route and he had lived, I couldn’t say that I did anything. If I had made the wrong decision and he died, I’d never be able to forgive myself in letting something like that happen. Embrace your family. Love who you have been given. Even the unruly, unreasonable teenagers who seem to be riddled with more emotional mood swings than ever. You never know when you’re going to be spending your last Christmas or Thanksgiving with them.

It was supposed to snow yesterday:

So glad we dodged that bullet!

And….

I’m thinking of uploading my novels to my site. I have several. I don’t know how I’ll go about doing it without someone stealing my work. And yes, someone would do that just to try to piss me off. I have eight years worth of novels saved on my external drive that I don’t know what I am going to do with them. Something will come up. I just can’t let them rot on there.

Of course I would come to this realisation the week my mother is here and the kids are home from school.

I spent several minutes wandering the house looking for a secure place to screw or play. Away from kids, pets and mothers.

I used to have this healthy, over-sexed libido. These days, I barely have any energy. Even when I’m in a web of sexual energy, I cannot allow myself to let go and just get off.

After a few minutes of silence, Chloe burst out, “HA HA HA! I SEE DADDY’S DING-A-LING!” she was pointing at the TV. Oh. God. It was an early digital video made from my first digital camcorder. Matt quickly ejected the disc. My face was beet red. “What are you watching in there?” Dennis called from the bedroom. “Nothing!” I called back, grabbing a hold of Chloe’s overall straps to keep her from spilling the beans to her dad.

Matt approached me with the disc. “No wonder you had to have a hysterectomy.. . … Um, by the way, can I borrow this tonight?” I took the disc away from him, “Oh no you’re not!”

A little later, I checked the video on YouTube that was generating so much drama just ten feet away from me. One of the fans had left the message that Dennis had the most perfect eyes she had ever saw. Hmm. Really? Because we were noticed in public the other day and someone commented that he looked just like [his stage name], except the eye colour was off. Maybe I should add some more pictures to his profile? Such as the secrets of his eyes:

Yep. Blue contacts. Behind those are the strangest colour eyes I have ever saw. They are golden. They have hazel borders. There are flecks of gold and green in those borders. His Driver’s License says he has hazel eyes, but I think that’s just because there was no box to check “weird golden eyes that would put Commander Data to shame”. But I have to agree with some of those fans. Those eyes can melt me and sometimes have me tingling in places I didn’t even know I had!

Not that I don’t want it. I just find this odd. Even after most surgeries, I couldn’t go much more than a week without sex, and here I am, going an entire month without so much as a little bit of foreplay? Is this a sign I’ve gotten old? Or that now that I have these really good pain killers, I don’t need sex anymore?

We sat on the rock, overlooking the city. We had never met up there before. With the city glitter below us, we watched as the stars fell. “How many stars will fall tonight?” “Not nearly as many as in your eyes.” The line was cheesy and stupid, but it made me melt, and melt I did, in his arms.

A warm, summer’s night. The hot surface of the rock below us. The stars falling above us. The twinkling of the city lights in the distance.

I was surprised that no cars traveled through the street. It’s a back road, but the traffic is frequent on most summer nights. Not last night. Last night it was all our own. The world was empty except for us and the falling stars.

Tuesday cannot get here fast enough.