My back hurts this evening. It was so bad that I called my doctor and left him a message and he actually got back to me, suggesting that come tomorrow morning, I come into his office and get back on my anti-cancer routine. I’m not looking forward to getting chemotherapy again, because I have felt so much better this year without it, but I also feel the pain creeping back into my life. I can’t have that. I can’t take the medicine, nor can I take the pain of having to deal with cancer and anti-cancer drugs.

I wish I were strong. I wish I could take all that has been laid out before me with grace and courage, but here I sit trying to find a way to get out of all of this. I went so far as to suggest that we leave state. Go somewhere where they don’t know of my diagnosis. But I can’t run from my body, no matter how hard I try.

My friend James says that he’s coming to see me sometime before May. I don’t know if I want to see any friends after going through a round of chemotherapy.

Pity Party, huh?

There are certainly more people out there that are suffering far more than I am, and they aren’t whining about it in their online journal. I don’t know why I feel that I need to whine about this constantly. It’s not like crying about it can or will change my future. I wish this were a novel and that I could pick up the book and cheat by looking at the back to see how things turn out. Do I get to live well and into my prime, or do I have an early death? Will I get to see what my children grow up to be? Or will they read eulogies to me before they are out of high school?

I shouldn’t be thinking about these things. I should be concentrating on Zinnia’s growth, my Mother’s Day projects, and making up with my mother. My therapist says that in the past seven months I have progressed better than the eleven years I have been in therapy. He says that there are no more pieces that he wants to cover with me, and that by the end of June I will get a certificate that I am well, mentally. I will be staying on the medications, and continue to work on  myself in the privacy of my own home. But I no longer need a leader to help me along the way. We came to the conclusion that Roxanna was the reason I couldn’t get well. I considered her one of my bestest friends, and she made me cry every night with her insults and teasing. She knew that she was making me cry, and she never quite stopped.I gave her permission to hurt me and she did. That really broke my heart. The ones that we give our hearts to will never break them, They will never cause us any pain or tears. I felt like I was breaking up with someone whom I had dated. Now, I think that I should move to another state where people won’t know what I have done as an adult.

Some of the people who are mad at me as the people who want to see me naked, and that’s really none of their business, and when I explain that to them, they get a little irate. Let them get irate. Pissed, Pissed off. Angry. I can’t help their emotions.

I do have a new close friend online, Mandy. Perhaps she could take the place of Roxanna as being the friend who doesn’t make me cry from how badly I am to them, make me cry because I have such awesome friends out there who truly care about me. For twice in my life, I have had some “friends” who would see how much I was being helped, and they would turn away because they “couldn’t compare with that,” over the price of an iPod. The gifting wasn’t a contest or a bragging right. God will love you the same if you brought in canned food for the family to eat on for a month or so, or of you brought your stuffed animals you out grew and there for passed them down to children who were sick, dying, injured or they just want something to comfort them. You don’t back out of a donation-a-thon because someone else did better than you.

I remember giving so much to the dying children. “battered” teddy bears where we all sewed up the bears and make cuddly toys for the little boys and girls. There is no drugs allowed and there there is no such thing and a donation that is too small!

Roxanna has no power over me???????????????!!