As long as she doesn’t start calling Dennis “dumb fuck”, mocking her grandfather, I’m not going to correct her yet.

Someone told me that I no longer need ImageReady, as Photoshop CS3 has animation features built in. Anyone know if this is true? Is it as good as the ImageReady animations? I want to try it out, as this is the software the band uses to update their website, but I don’t want to get in another mess with these Apple laptops. The last time I edited anything on the hard-drive, the computer’s motherboard malfunctioned, and I had to take it in for repairs. Advice? Reassurance?

No worries though. I have no motivation to open Photoshop and make pretty digital art. I’m not artistic at all. I always have ideas for a kewl website, and then I never follow through with them. I have hundreds of fonts that I was going to make things with that are sitting on FontBook, unopened and unused. That was okay until I started buying fonts. When I started wasting money on this, I had to pull the plug. I almost look at it like it’s a treadmill or something. I don’t want to create, but I hate what I have. That doesn’t make a lot of sense, particularly since any sane person would try to change what they could. I don’t. I just watch the stuff pile up. I do, however, use the Sims 2 stuff that I download. Does that count for anything?

There’s getting to be less and less that I can do during these. This time it came on suddenly while I was chatting with my friend James on a webcam community, and I told him I needed to go lie down for a while. He called me not more than ten minutes later because he said I didn’t look right to him. It was a good thing he did. My glucose level was 40 and dropping. I ate for several minutes and it was only in the 80s. I tried to call my doctor about this, but as I have told several of you, I am scared of what he might do when I refuse the diabetes medications.

I have a blood test on Thursday. One of these tests is to see if I am taking all of my medication as prescribed. If I am not, my doctor threatens me with being committed to a mental hospital. He scared me once, telling me that I’d lose my family, my schooling, my home. He said when I would eventually be released, I would be broke and homeless. It scared me into regularly taking these medications.

What annoys me is that I ate breakfast. Scrambled eggs, an omelette, and a few potato crisps after. I didn’t over exercise. I simply went to class, came home, and washed a load of laundry because none of my shirts were clean and I had to wear the same shirt I wore yesterday. Thank God it was a plain white shirt, so no one really noticed. After I put the laundry in to wash, I was chatting with my friend James about various things, when I started feeling bad. I said I was feeling dizzy and needed to go lay down. I’m glad he called. Dennis was able to bring me some candy to jump start the glucose levels.

This is the part where I’m going to express hatred for my doctor. He’s obsessed with morbid obesity, diabetes, gastric bypass, and pregnancy. Every time I visit his office, he lectures me on one of those four things, no matter what I am there for. “Oh, you fell down the stairs and hurt your leg? If you’s get gastric bypass, you wouldn’t fall down stairs anymore!” It’s getting to the point where if there was any other doctor taking new patients in even Tulsa, I’d go there. I’d switch doctors. Of course he’d put in my file that I’m doctor shopping for narcotics. [sarcasm]Cuz’ I hit him up for them every chance I get![/sarcasm]

I’m off to finish my homework. Smile. It makes people wonder what you’re thinking!

So…

What are you waiting for?? Get commenting!

I have some pictures I want to post when I get home. Have fun everyone.

I wonder about the web sometimes. I try not to do it too often because more than not, it’s my window to the world. Stuck inside, with this medication rolling through me, I rarely have the opportunity to get out and do things, let alone go places. I frequently have to rest when I’m out and about. It just isn’t right. Then there are the days when I come across people who just want to make my life harder. I don’t understand their motives. Are they jealous of me? Jealous of the fact that I don’t have to get up every day and go to work or force my husband out the door? Are they jealous that he loves me and takes good care of me and our children? Are they jealous that he took care of himself enough so he has the funds to financially care for his family? I’d trade all our money to have good health. I’d trade all my possessions to be able to take a long walk with my kids. Some people think that you can only be rich if you have a lot of money or expensive things. That’s untrue. The true definition of being rich? To have a soul that shines. My soul can’t shine because of my weak body. I will shine one day, though. Maybe not today, but one day.

I don’t understand this medicine. I’ve googled it and almost all the medical sites on it claims that if you’re truly a diabetic, you won’t have low blood sugars. I do almost nothing all day, coasting through with a little as possible, and I have horribly low blood sugars. I want to call my doctor and tell him that this medicine is wrong for me, or he misdiagnosed me. Of course the latter can’t possibly be true. He could never, ever make a mistake!

Other than that, I’m having a good day. Hope you are too!

See, last week, I was in the hospital with strep. Common knowledge all the same. It was bad. I got strep twice last month, only finishing the medication for the second round yesterday. I suffered with rebounds, fevers, inability to swallow, and other things. I was hospitalized because of heart problems that I’ve had since 2000. Suddenly, one of my friends has the same ailments as I do. It was amazing! Over the years, I’ve been feed seeds of doubt about this person, lying to the general online world, that they have things so badly and they’re not well. But when it turns into a pretty much word-for-word copy of what I just went through, I get kind of angry.

When you mis-represent yourself once, intentionally, it’s hard to believe anything else that you say. Not only that, being in this situation many other times, I have to say that when people lie about their health problems, online, it makes those of us who are telling the truth about ourselves that much harder to believe. I can scan medicine bottles. I can scan doctor forms. I can go to my appointments and take video of my doctor and I. The thing is, I shouldn’t have to. I shouldn’t have to go that extra step to prove what I am posting is true because someone decides to lie about themselves or steal my story.

I don’t publish my story online for it to be stolen or reproduced by someone who wants to pull a fast one on others. I don’t publish it because I want sympathy and attention. I don’t want either of those things. I just want to release what is there. Knowing that my site is read by over 100 people per day is still not a reality to me. They’re just numbers on a hit counter. I love all my visitors (I’d love ya even more if I knew who you were!), but I can’t control what people do once they visit my site. If they steal my entries, if they copy my story, if they get ‘inspired’ to start a blog about a dying woman in the prime of her life, it’s ultimately their choice. However, when they get busted, I have to deal with people questioning me. People sharing the home cell phone number on message boards, thinking if they called me, they’d have that ‘edge’ to trick me into whatever they want to hear. I can’t give people what they want to hear. I can only give them the truth. It’s not my fault if they choose not to believe it, or if they choose to discard it.

Take it or leave it. Someone out there is not who they claim to be. And I couldn’t be more disappointed in them.

Dennis is home. I woke up this morning to him sleeping next to me. I don’t know when he got in. I’m happy to see him, happy to be going to the dinner party, and just happy in general. We got a new phone number, so if anyone wants it, contact me or something. I can’t publish it on the web.

Tonight I take my last dose of antibiotics. I’m excited to be getting off the medicine. I know, it’s just an antibiotic, but I’m still tired of taking another pill. I survived going back to class these past couple of days. If I can survive next week, which Friday is mid-terms, I’m off for spring break! I want to go on Spring Break Out, but I don’t know if I can handle that. I still have to go easy on myself. I learned that the hard way, shopping for a present for my mom for her birthday Tuesday. I just can’t go, go, go the way I used to. Or for a little while anyway. I keep forgetting how much getting sick took out of me.

I have some assignments that I have to finish before the dinner party. I have much more going on in the coming weeks, and I’m excited about it all, I just can’t find the time to post about it right now. SMILE! Life is good!