I had plans to post tonight. I would love more than to write about my experiences with working for the first time since December, and following up on my post about New York, with some Christmas pictures, write about the next up-coming trip in a few weeks, but my heart just can’t do it tonight. I just can’t. I wish I could go into why this is, rather than pussy-foot around the reasons, but believe me, they are good reasons, and some day I will be able to write about them openly and honestly, just not tonight. I have to let what I know and what I witnessed sink in. It’s just part of who I am. It’s job related, and it upset me dearly, but I will survive in the end. Some days, such as the job today that I finished, I wish I had never left my previous profession and was still passing meds and doing procedures. Life was simpler then. It didn’t involve an emotion-less task of playing in a freezer with a familiar human corpse.

It’s not that I’m not skilled at autopsies, nor do I dislike doing them. Nothing satisfies my curiosity than finding out why or how someone died, but there comes a time when you want to draw a line on what corpse you have to slice up, and unfortunately, in my profession, I do not get that option. It was “do it or lose your license”. Nice people. Half my crew chickened out at the last moment, but that didn’t phase me at all. I’d prefer to do the operation on my own; nothing distracts me more than wondering if someone else has found something I’ve possibly missed in the micro-alleys of the human body. I just hope those that chose to run don’t think they one upped me.

I finished the job, kept my license with flying colours, and then came home to take a bath, wishing the pain and shock would run down the drain with with soapy water. It’s not that easy. It never is.

Okay. That’s all I can blog tonight. Till we meet again!