I got the job.

I blew all those associate-degree-ed hard workers out of the water, and I was hired today. I start tomorrow, just doing some little stuff, then I get a three day weekend. I didn’t know it was a three day weekend until I saw where someone was posting about a three day weekend on FB. Hmm. Oh well. To celebrate, Dennis and I went to a movie and then out to dinner. We hired a Japanese baby sitter who’s 15 years old and babbled that she always took such good care of her little brother, and she has a twin sister and so fourth. Again, an over-qualified person needing a job that a well-trained chimp could do. We offered her $60 as an entire price for: Taking out the trash, feeding the kids, cleaning the kids up, putting the kids to bed, cleaning up the kitchen, letting the dogs in and out as needed and checking on the kids periodically during the time they were asleep, as well as nighttime maintenance. Piece of cake, huh? Stay at home mommy stuff, right? She babbled that she could do it, and she had her “elite” 10th grade level science book to read when we left. I gave her our numbers and told her generally when we’d be back (11pm), then we hurried off to our night time adventure.

This is where the day stopped being good.

Dennis hit a huge pothole on the way to the theater. It made my shoulder blades start throbbing. I had my percocet with me, but I didn’t want to ruin the night. I waited. We talked of things that wouldn’t matter to anyone but us all the way to the theater. Glancing over the movies at the front door, I wanted to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1 or Burlesque, but before I could say anything, Dennis told the cashier “Two adults for True Grit.” I was kind of taken back. I remember watching the original when I was a child, and I strongly disliked it. Part of that was because I was forced to watch it. Just like I was being forced now. I just can’t get into Westerns. It’s not like I haven’t tried, because I have. I even bought The Searchers a few years ago because it was so highly recommended. But I just can’t do it. So tonight, I just smiled and nodded, bought a Coke and some nachos and sat in the cold, dark theater with Dennis, waiting for the movie to begin.

I choked down my nachos and gulped down most of my Coke by the time the previews were over and the opening credits were going through. I was sleepy. I felt bored. Dennis and I were snuggled together in the theater seats If we were younger and I was in better health, this is where we would have had sex. But I’m hurting, he’s getting on up there, and so we just snuggled. Covered with our coats. Only taking our hands out to take sips from our soda cups.

There was a woman, sitting alone, behind us, crunching ice. It just irritated me so badly. Crunchcruchcrunchcrunchcrunchcrunchcrunchcrunchcrunch. Fast, slow, she had a never-ending cup of ice, or she was eating one of the chairs behind us. Crunchcrunchcrunchcrunchcrunchcrunchcrunch. SlurpsuckBURP. My god. I wanted to move. I noticed people texting. I could actually hear their fingers typing on the little keyboards. Little things were getting to me and annoying me, kind of like when you’re trying to fall asleep, but can’t because there’s always some little annoyance? Yeah. Finally, I whispered to Dennis that I was having pain and if we were going to dinner that night, I needed to take a pill. He shrugged, reached into his pocket and pulled out a bottle, took out a pill and gave it to me. In the dim light, I could tell it was one of my percocets. Perfect. I took the pill with some Coke, and I was soon blissfully nodding away to another world.

After what seemed like a few minutes, I was jerked away by my phone going off in the theater. It was only vibrating, but it vibrates loudly against theater seat arms, and I jumped when it happened, knocking the plastic nacho dish over. I didn’t make that much noise, but everyone in the theater, from the text messengers to the ice smacker, turned to give me dirty looks. Assholes. I burrowed under Dennis’ arm and hurried out to the auditorium, and answered the call. It was the babysitter. The TV had stopped working. She said it just winked out. Alright, fine. I was tipsy from the percocet (I get so drunk and dizzy on just one of those, I don’t know why my doctor recommended that I take four at a time!), and told her we’d discuss it when I got home. I heard James and Ashe playing in the background. I checked my watch. It was after eight. I asked her what they were still doing up, and she babbled that she was going to take care of them, and that they were play-fighting over the potty. Again, I told her not to let them do that. Yes, potty is srs biznaz. I hung up and went back in the theater. My seat was cold and my Coke was warm. I knew that neither was the baby sitter’s fault, but I would blame her anyway.

Dinner was a mess. I ordered the chicken. It was so dry and stringy, I almost didn’t want to pay for it! I did, though, but I left a comment with the chef about how crummy it was.

I was still spitting out pieces of chicken when we got home to the mess that our babysitter left us. Oh. Lord. James was running around the living room. Ashe’s butt was all shit where she didn’t empty the potty (OMG! POOP! NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE POOP!) and he and his brother kept pooping in it. Chloe hadn’t had a bath, brushed her teeth or done her homework, and it was almost 11pm. She didn’t have time to do any of those things now. I sent her directly to bed, washed up Ashe, and wrangled James, tossing kids in bed, dumping poopy potties, and then I had to bag the trash and take it out. All while our babysitter is telling me she doesn’t know what’s wrong with the TV. Girl, the TV is the least of your problems. Dennis had the right idea, though, he just got undressed and went to bed. After getting the kids in bed, I docked the babysitter $5. She got so mad! I didn’t care. She was lucky I paid her at all, and I told her so. “What the hell did you do all night? Break our TV?” “You don’t understand what it’s like to take care of kids!” That statement right there made me usher her to the door. She was babbling about threatening to sue me for that remaining $5 and how she was never babysitting for me again, and she was going to tell all her babysitting friends…Good. From now on I’m going to only rely on adults to care for the kids. Clearly, teenagers can’t do the job.

Before sitting down to post this novel, I brushed my teeth, and there were still bits of that chicken in my mouth. I was so dehydrated, I had to rapid infuse, by drinking SmartWater, of course! I feel better, but I’m insanely tired. G’Night everyone! See you tomorrow!