I’m thinking about deleting my secret project off of here because ExpressionEngine constantly updates caches, and that makes WP File Monitor go mad. I need to stop thinking about things and start doing. I have no motivation to do anything other than update my journals and feel depressed. It was bad yesterday. Two bottles of pills bad. I was thinking about all the things I’ve done or gone through in the past few weeks, and I just didn’t want to have to deal with these feelings anymore. My heart is heavy, my soul is strong, but my mind is weakening. I cannot control myself once I start. I save up medications and take them in huge doses. Sometimes I lose consciousness from this. Fair-weather friends abandon me forever. Reaching for these pills is rare, but it happens.
I went out trick-or-treating with Matt and my kids tonight. I wasn’t going to go. My back is broken. I have bone spurs, bulging discs and scoliosis. To make matters worse, that has lead to arthritis in my back and knees because I walk funny. We went three blocks, hitting both sides of the street, and then came home. Chloe kept running ahead of us, and I was so afraid she was going to get hit by a car. Almost every house was dark, cars were zooming around with no lights, and the mayor turned the city lights off months ago to save money. Add that to the fact that we have no sidewalks here, and I only have two hands to hold onto James and Ashe, and you get the perfect recipe for disaster. A tragedy waiting to happen.
I don’t know why Matt didn’t hang on to Chloe better. Oh yeah. Because he was painted gold, which oxidized before we got half way done, and with all that body glitter, not to mention he was just wearing short-shorts, no shoes, in cold weather, he could barely walk! And he laughed at me because I was dressed like an alien, but walking like Frankenstein’s Monster because of my back problems. DW tagged along behind us, not saying a word. I don’t know if he was scared or worried or both. Pictures in my journal soon. I promise.
The boys turned three today. Has it been that long? Three years? James is completely potty trained, but Ashe can read better than his brother, though he still has accidents sometimes. The kids are in bed now because of sweet overload. Two cakes plus bags of candy is going to equal some really bad belly aches in the morning. I’m debating not sending Chloe to school, but she may have missed too many days already and be in danger of failing.
Dennis called me from France this afternoon. France! Whoa! We talked and it seemed he just wanted to yell at me. He told me no more giving Chloe lunch money. WTF? The girl needs to eat, right? Then he told me to hurry up and pay the credit card bill so the card is turned back on because he may need to use it Friday. I hate to say this, but he’s supposed to be home for Thanksgiving on Saturday, and I am not looking forward to it, if he’s just going to complain about all of the things I haven’t done. He also made it a point to complain about the car being in the shop because it broke down Friday and stranded me. I didn’t do it. The thing breaks down every time I drive it. I think it’s time for a new car. But what do I know?